Au Revoir 2006

Six more hours till the last second of 2006 strikes, I reflect on the year that has been. I started the year out easy, spending my semi-idllyic days welcoming my eighth year in Australia and cruising through my job in my sixth year. Enjoying the extraordinarily high calibre of Oscar nominated movies, like "Brokeback Mountain", "Walk The Line", "Goodnight and Goodluck", "Transamerica", "Capote", "Crash", "Munich" etc, life was fun and easy.

Making the decision to give up joining my friends again this year in Japan to watch Akina in April after enjoying wonderful concerts from K.D. Lang and Bette Midler, we decided to spend more time in theatres. Thankfully, tt was a wonderful year of theatrical drama, the main highlights being "The History Boys", "I Am My Own Wife" and "Holding The Man".

In June, we embarked on a seemingly never ending journey in looking for our "perfect" new apartment to call our true home, and our weekends were starting to laden with more stress and strain. It was not a totally unenjoyable journey though one can get a little dis-spirited after many fruitless searches. The good thing is actually knowing and recognising immediately what we don't want, and tearing those bits apart. I guess it's all part of staying sane in this mad world, and thankfully, we have the encouragement and advise of our wiser friends, who have been down this same journey, hence reminding us of our humanity.

The rest of the year looked to span out similarly until a fundamental change in me made me realise that I had to move on in life, which sparked on a spirited charge. Oh, how I hate interviews and still do. I count them as just as bad if not worst than public speaking, because at least I can control public speaking to some extent. Anyway, I was happy to get that over and done with. Though I wasn't entirely certain that it was the right move at that time, future visits to my old job gave me the affirmation I needed.

Not long after this came another obstacle where we were told to move out of the apartment that we called home for 18 months. It can be stressful because it can bring up abandonment issues, but I focused on one issue at a time, with the knowledge that if things came down to the worst, we still had generous friends whom we could rely on. Thankfully, the move was very successful and we are happy in our new abode though it has confirmed that we will not be looking for a one bedroom apartment when we purchase. Ha! Ha!

Friends ... how can we do without them. 2006 marked my 35th year and I am so lucky to still have so many generous and loving people around me in Australia that I see as part of my family. My darling John arranged for an appreciation party and I got the best presents from everyone - their kind love and heartful words which will always grace my life for as long as I live. As for my dear friend, Jack, whom I lost this month, I didn't think I would miss you as much as I did, but I do. My dearest friend, Leslie and Ryan, who are in Japan and their lovely gift - Leslie's new book SuperStars (a few photos attached) in time for my birthday. My friends in Singapore (especially my fellow VAMPires) and around the world whom I only have mostly email contact with, thank you for all your emails and love. So, to all my dearest friends, no matter where you are, Thank you for everything ...

Two of my favourites from the book: Ultra sexy Japanese ex-soccer star Hidetoshi Nakata and Wada Akiko in a pose you will never have seen her in. Ingenious! (You can also buy this beautiful book here)

And now onto my family, John and his family. I spent a most wonderful Christmas and this year in particular, it was an exceptional season and I feel that I have truly arrived and participated as part of the Jones' family. John, whom I will be celebrating our 5th anniversary, everyday is a fruitful journey of love. Thank you for this wonderous joy! For my own family, whom I only get to see once or twice (for the past two years though the second trip is always impromptu and very short), I thank you for your love and grace ... allowing me to live my dream in Australia, it is the greatest gift anyone can give me. I sincerely hope that I will get more opportunities to spend more time in future with all of you and you must all know that I will always love you, no matter where I am.

To end, I would like to share some photos (which I haven't done much of in the last few months of the year). As you can see, I am in love with babies and hopefully some day, I will have one of my own, but if not, I will always have these babies I consider children of mine. People should always be loved, so take my advice: give give give!!

Firstly, my two darlings - Joshua and Joy who teach me how to love more everday. I love them so much and they bring me so much joy just knowing that they miss having me around to play with.

Her first pony riding experience!!

I love this photo because Joy is growing up so quickly and is a master poser when it comes to photoshoots and Joshua is just so playful. Here he is striking a "what he believes to be a similar" pose to his sister.

My other bundles of joy in Sydney - the beautiful Jamie and Sophia!!

John and I with wonderous and ever happy Marley separately.

Finally, Here's wishing everyone a loving and wonderful 2007 filled with exhilarating surprises sparkling all along the way!!! Take care, stay healthy and in love ...

35才の誕生日

Another year has passed ... so many bitter sweet memories that graced the 34th year of my life that I will always remember. Since my friend has passed on so recently, the lessons on cherishing life is at the forefront of my thoughts and birthdays are always a good time to say Thanks to everyone who continues to contribute to my life. My parents, especially my mother who brings up the story of being in labour for over17 hours to bring me to this world, my siblings whom I grown up with, fighting, teasing and loving, and who now accept me for who I am. My little nephew and niece who continue to such inspirations in my life teaching me how to love so much more than I thought I was ever capable of. My dear friends everywhere around the world, especially my surrogate family in Australia who create this wonderful loving world for me, and lastly, my dearest lover, John, who I am so honoured to share every day waking up next to.

Even if the world is imperfect, my world is as good as it can be and I want to remind myself to be thankful for all that I have. Spread your love everyone, make a difference in someone else's life ...

今天是我三十五岁的生日。走了这漫长的人生道路，感慨良多。除了学会珍惜家人与朋友的爱戴，也懂了爱惜自己。有了这份自爱，才能真心真意地打开心房接受与散播爱。生日不是属于我一个人的，最感激的是把我带进这世界的父母，照顾我张大的大家，与我成长的弟弟妹妹，展开友谊之手的朋友，和教我如何爱的恋人与已故的外婆。谢谢大家的爱，我是幸福的，我的生命是充实。

My Dear Friend - RIP Jack Lavery

Yesterday I was still looking at an invitation sent by him last year and now he is no longer with us ...

Jack Lavery, my dear dear friend, someone who I respected and was one of my closest friends in Sydney, died this morning. It came as an entire shock because we haven't been in close contact for the past few years but always held him close in my heart. I remember bumping into him at Chinatown, where I sat down with him and his partner, Charles, and Charles' mother for lunch. We had (always have) a great time and we talked about how we should catch up after that. We never did ... though I did mean to after coming across the card last night. Maybe that was a sign that I should have picked up on ...

I met Jack at my first independent home that I moved into after leaving my aunt's in Sydney. I was living in Redfern on top of a shop and after university one day, walked in and Laurie, the owner introduced us. Jack was an English teacher who was always happy to share. He lived a full and exciting life and I always looked forward to seeing him because I always learn so much from him. He taught me many life experiences and was always keen to inspire me to be a better person. He taught me to be comfortable in my own skin and always inspired me to write because of my love for it.

Since he was so well read, I always felt that his encouragement was priceless since I never had any idea if I could really write well. I remember his generosity when I moved out of the shop house into my first apartment and how he gave us a really nice carpet and many pieces of crockery and cutlery that they no longer needed. He always invited us to the most delicious meals and even organised my first Halloween party, which I (and everyone who attended) never forgot. He always swore by his French cookbook and taught me to make the most delicious Crème Brûlée I have ever tasted. I remember going to their apartment and he taught me how to make my first dessert. Instead of burning sugar as the topping, we did a chocolate mousse topping which really complemented and differentiated my Crème Brûlée. I still constantly laugh at his remark when there was an instruction in the cookbook to beat the eggs hard, and when I did it, he said "Now, you're hitting it like a gay man. Harder!" I swore after that I would never make it again but I just might have to do it now just for remembrance.

Jack, oh Jack, how I will miss you and your brave cheerful being. Always telling me not to listen to what others have to say if it is negative and believe in myself. How I wish I could have had one last good long conversation with you. I know you wanted us to remember you the way you were, but this is rather cruel to us, as your friends, to be able to say Goodbye. I don't like farewells so I understand and I will never forget all your stories and pearls of wisdom. I hope you are peaceful and free of pain now. I love you Jack and you will always have a special place in my heart ...

You're Gonna Love Her ...

This is without any doubt, one of the most challenging songs to sing in history. Made famous by the original Jennifer Holiday in Broadway, it is matched by this 11 year old girl Bianca Ryan, who went on to win the competition. Former "American Idol" evictee, Jennifer Hudson, sings it in the upcoming cinematic version of the Broadway musical "Dreamgirls" and the movie is apparently, all hers. Can't wait to see the movie.

True talents have finally emerged from these mediocre competitions ...

The Original

The New

Disappointment

I was very surprised when I saw Leslie's name on the Singaporean local Chinese newspaper. Anticipating with relish, I clicked onto the link only to be dismayed by the slander that has been piled upon him.

http://stars.zaobao.com/pages4/guofucheng061129.html

http://www.udn.com/2006/11/28/NEWS/ENTERTAINMENT/ENT8/3623522.shtml

Leslie has spent 3 years working on this Superstars project to showcase the best of Asia to the world. With a vision to break the primitive mould of Asian beauty, Leslie has presented the world with some of the most beautiful photographs of these Asian celebrities. I was amazed to see some rather daring poses of these actors but they were so tastefully done, I would have been extremely proud of them.

However, two actors have come out recently saying that they had no idea that those photos will be used, even though the major photo is question of Aaron Kwok was digitally remastered. Aaron is apparently furious and so is Andy Hui, who is a close friend of Leslie's too. Aaron Kwok claimed that he wore black underwear for the photoshoot and the original is also enclosed in the book. However, the one used in the exhibition was the remastered, and caused quite a furore.

Knowing Leslie, he would never do such a thing especially since he is now a famous photographer, so I quickly sent him an email to show my love and support. I was greeted back by a newspaper article from him clearing his name. Apparently, Aaron's manager suggested remastering the original photo so that Aaron didn't have to disrobe for the photographic suggestion that Leslie made. However, she is denying vehemently now, saying that it does not match with Aaron's image.

http://stars.zaobao.com/pages4/guofucheng061130.html

What does not fit with one's image? It's not like they are portrayed as virgins anymore. It would be sick if they still are because he is a man in his 40s. If it was badly doctored or taken, then I can understand why someone can be upset (case in point: Paparrazzi showing Britney with her legs apart with no undies, hence exposing her privates), but if this is really a piece of art, why can't they be a little more gracious? Maybe someone can have a look at the photo and tell me if this is racy?



How can we break out of our mould if we don't live outside the box? Leslie has taken his one year experience in NY and is trying to achieve something refreshing in our Asian market, only to be met with negative publicity from prudes, who scream at the sight of pubes. How will free expression and breakthroughs happen if we keep building fences for ourselves?

Even though I am not a celebrity, I had once shed all inhibitions and taken some art nude photos as a 30th birthday present for myself. Since I will not remain young forever, I wanted some good photographic proof my youth. I have not regretted a minute because I was careful about the photographer and I was certain that he was not going to exploit the opportunity. If we are all clear about how the photos are going to be used (or not), then we can all work in a safe environment. Trust the photographer and he will bring the beauty out of you ...

Since this is also a charity project, where proceeds will go to the victims of the Asian tsunami, I am disappointed that Leslie's hard work and generosity had garnered such negative publicity. Still, coming from a marketing perspective, no publicity is bad publicity, so let's hope that this will have the double effect of widening our perspectives and also selling more copies. Extra note: This edition of "Superstars" has a limited run of 7000 copies or so.

Leslie has opened exhibitions in Tokyo and HK, and still has Singapore and another Asian country (I can't remember which one) to tour. You can purchase it when he is there or from any major Japanese bookstore in your country. If you want to purchase a copy online with Leslie's signature, please visit my good friend, Ryan's blog to order your copy online - Buy Superstars At KatoonBaby

Leslie, no matter what anyone says, I believe in you and you will always have my love and support!! Carry on your inspirational work!

Kind Or Fool

I am slowly coming to terms that I may never see the iPod that I bought over Ebay. The seller has not communicated for over 2 weeks and I have made complaints to Ebay but since the seller is no longer registered, there is little hope of getting any results.

When I tell my friends about the loss, they seem to be more horified than I am. Maybe they are helping me to express the anguish that I might have hidden down below or maybe it is because I have been burnt worst before that this is peanuts.

Talking to friends is the way I release that anger. Like the first time I was cheated, I was anxious and frightened, and even lost some sleep, but life eventually still went on. I will still live in spite ...

It happened around 5 months after I arrived in Australia. I had just experienced the death of my beloved grandma 9 months ago and shared some really beautiful memories with my aunt Constance on a trip to Korea. A story that she told me on a cab ride back to the hotel is still fresh in my mind today. The morale of the story was: "Always have pity on people poorer than us."

Before she became blind at the age of 6, she used to follow my grandmother to the markets. My grandma had $7 marketing money for food every week. One day on their way there, they passed by a crippled man who was begging on the streets with his infant daughter. Ever the kind-hearted, my grandma approached them and spoke to them. My aunt didn't remember what the conversation was about, but my grandma took 5 dollars out of the 7 she had, and handed it to the man. With another 50 cents, she ushered a trishaw and paid for the journey back to the man and his daughter's home. With $1.50 left, my grandma could only afford vegetables for the week. When my grandfather questioned about the lack of meat on the table, all she offered was the high price of meat and they couldn't afford it. She never once spoke of the good deed she did.

My aunt never forgot that lesson and neither did I. In July of 1998 with one more examination to go, I decided to go to Pitt Street Mall in the city for a breather. I was waiting for some friends outside a bookstore when I was approached by an Asian pregnant lady. She told me of her sob story, about how the banks were closed and she didn't have an ATM card. About how she needed money to buy medication for her pregnancy, and wondered if I could help. Taking pity of her plight, I innocently offered her some money which she swore she would returned. She even allowed me to copy down the details of her house from the driver's license card she carried.

She said she would return it 2 days later and she took my mobile number. I didn't hear back till almost a week later. She called to say she was stranded in Melbourne and needed more money. Flustered, I wired it through and the stories kept coming till the amount reached a wholesome amount of around $5000. When I couldn't take it anymore, I told my cousin who I was not very close to. She was very sympathetic and swore not to tell my aunt whom I was staying with. She handled the next call for more cash and threatened to call the police if she dare ask for more money and if she didn't return it. We never heard from her again.

Frustrated because the money was for my university fees that I had saved through hard work, I decided to pay her a visit at her home. I called up a close friend who went down to Warwick Farm (which was about an hour's train ride) and when we approached the block and started looking "suspicously" around, we were greeted by a friendly old man who was sitting and staring all these time. He said "Are you looking for xxx?" We said "Yes" and his answer was "How much did you give her this time?"

She was a professional and I was not the first. Apparently, she had moved out more than 2 years ago and people constantly come and look for her. He also said that she was "eternally pregnant", which meant that it was a pillow disguise. I felt stupid, disgraced and naive for some time after that incident. Thankfully, my best friend told me that there was no way I knew and that she was a professional, which meant that she must have been really good. He told me that there was no use crying over spilt milk.

I recovered and though I don't carry this story around, it was the first I shared with my brother when he arrived. I wanted to let him know my lesson so that he will not make the same mistake. I don't hate her just like I don't hate this guy who has cheated me of my iPod, I pity them. I pity them because of this dishonest life that they have chosen to live. I believe in Karma and they will get their just desserts.

I told my colleagues today when one of them complained about a $100 ticket that she never recovered. They said that I had a "big heart". I don't know if they were being nice because if it was told to a total stranger, they would probably have said I was a fool.

Anyway, my heart was closed for a little while until I went back to Singapore and saw how generous my family was with beggars and I opened myself up again, though I am a lot more cautious now. I am angry at these people who have robbed all opportunities for the real needy but I have also learnt that there are other ways to help. Ultimately, I still thank my grandma for teaching me of life's loveliest presents ... love and compassion. Thank you.

Leslie Kee's Superstars Launched!!

One of my best friends, Leslie Kee has launched his special edition of "Superstars", a charity production dedicated to the unfortunate Asian tsunami victims. As reported earlier, it is a special issue featuring only Asian superstars, and you can see the list of participants on the official website.

The opening party was held on 10th Nov, and according to my other beautiful friend, Ryan's blog, it was an immense success with about 450 people in attendance, including the cover girl 松任谷由実 and some other celebrities and creators.

Please visit Ryan's interesting blog to see more photos of the event and the magician behind the works, my dear friend and the master himself, Leslie Kee. Congratulations, my dearest friend. Looking at your success, I am very proud and am sad that I can't be there. If any of you get a chance to pick a copy up, please do not hesitate because you will not only be treated to high quality photographs at resonable prices but you will also be doing a kind deed!!! It will be a tribute to Leslie's generosity and love as a human being.

Official Superstars Website: http://www.super-stars.net/index2.html

Love Support

How do you comfort someone who is facing the possibility of death? How do you not sound patronising when you try to say "everything is going to be alright" when deep down you know that there is no guarantee? How can you help someone stay positive when chaos and the shock of a "sudden end" is ruling their minds?

I consider myself to be rather good at giving advice or showing support but I am rather dumbfounded when I am faced with the problems above. There is a very fine line between showing support and sounding condescending, so how we do make sure that we don't fall into the wrong side of the track?

The only true past experience I had is with my grandmother when she was very ill in 1997. The doctors seem to indicate that there wasn't much hope and my mother told me the night before that I'd better spend some time and go visit her in the hospital. I remember nodding and then rushing to my room, sinking my head in my pillow and sobbing. I felt so helpless. I didn't want to be a doctor so that I can help cure her. I just wanted to be with her ... always.

I went to the hospital the next afternoon, trying hard to be a man and hold back my tears. When I neared her room, I saw some people outside, whom I quickly recognised as my aunt and cousins. I stood back while watching them wipe their tears away. The rush of emotion overcame me and I slipped through the nearest exit and sobbed in the stairway. Was this for real? It took me about 10 minutes to recompose myself before I could step back into the hallway towards her room.

They were leaving now and they nodded at me when I addressed each aunt that was there. They told me to take care of grandma because they had to leave now. I nodded and walked into the room. It was painful to watch my loved one connected with all sorts of tubes in her, and I just walked up next to her unconscious body and started staring.

When she stirred, I started stroking her hair and I believe she starred at me in acknowledgement. I looked at her and remember singing a lullaby hoping to soothe her into sleep. She closed her eyes and the tears started flowing. I choked them back and tried to say that everything was going to be okay but I didn't know if it was the right thing to say. A nurse soon drew the curtains and took the tube out of her mouth. Looking at my grandma, she asked if I was her grandson, which I nodded. She then asked if I would like to feed her and I said Yes.

She had fed me when I was growing up, so it was my turn to return the favour. She didn't seem to eat a lot and then somehow more tears fell and I watched as she looked away ... Puzzled, I wiped the tears away. The same nurse approached us and drew me away for a second, telling me not to cry. Not because I have to be a man but she said I was a positive force for my grandmother. She said that she has eaten more than she has in the past few days and she looks like she is getting better. This time, the tears were of joy. I didn't know that she would actually leave us in the another 6 months but I did say all the positive things to encourage her.

Now, I have a friend who's partner is very possibly facing death and we discussed about how to show support and say the right things. We both agreed it was tough and the only thing I can do as the third party is try to show support for my friend, and be someone she can come to for support. This, I learnt from the wonderful book "Grace and Grit" which said that even support people need support. However, I did face her partner once and there were many awkward silences because I didn't know what to say, so I chose not to.

What would I want someone to say when I am in that position? Do I want to discuss the possibility of my death or do I want to hear positive encouragement? I had come to believe that sometimes, a doctor's "deadly" disgnosis is not always the worst thing in life because it is like being handed a "death sentence". You know how much time you are going to approximately get. Even if we extend it and fight bravely, death is never too far away and then, we are inspired to get rid of the bullshit that sometimes dictate our lives and we live every second. On the other hand, almost all of us live like there is always going to be a next year and hence we push our dreams away to a some day.

I guess for me, ultimately, I want to know that my time on Earth has not been wasted. I want to have led a fruitful life, and for me, it doesn't lie in the emptiness of extravagance but through love, friendship and support. One of the few times I wish I was richer, is when I wish I could afford my parents a better life because of their love. Otherwise, I just want my eulogies read to me before I die and that is probably what I mostly want to hear ...

If We Hold On Together ...

We just received notice from our real estate agent that the owner of our apartment is getting married and wants to move into the apartment, so we have 65 days (effective last day: 6th January 2007) to move out.

We have been expecting this since his last visit but it is nonetheless, still a dampener since we have not found a place that we are ready to buy. We don't particularly want to rent again because that would bind us for another 6 months, so it might turn out to be a rather "moving" Christmas and New Year for us.

One thing that we are probably happy about is not having to experience another Indian Summer in our bedroom because it gets the afternoon sun and there are no windows to let the air through during the night.

We are thankful to the few friends who have offered us a place to reside in the meantime if we need to, but we don't want to exploit the friendship and will only do if we do need to. So, I guess we will need to support each other more during these trying times and believe that some good will come out of all this. Even if it is just knowing that all the efforts that we have put into loving and supporting our friends has not gone to the waste basket, that would have been a good thing ...

First Review of "The Last Destination"

Thanks to my wonderful and generous friend, I finally had the chance to watch my idol Akina Nakamori's "The Last Destination" this morning. It was a concert that I fought to watch live but since I have been saving to buy an apartment with John, had to "割爱" (literal translation: "cutting ones love"), and give up the opportunity.

I don't regret it because I finally saw it and I loved every minute. It has been some time since Akina has appeared so confident from the start and performed so well throughout the entire concert. I can finally understand why my VAMPire fans claim this as one of her best concerts ever.

Not only was the stage presentation the most elaborate I had ever seen for her, but she seemed to put every ounce of energy into it, and it makes us all so proud to be a fan. Her concerts may not have the glossy pyrotechnics and multiple dancers, but her professionalism and stage presence makes her a true legend.

For a sneak preview of her "last" song on this concert viewing (hopefully there will be extra material on the DVD if it is released), please visit our Akina fansite VAMP.

The New Chapter

So, how was the new job?

For the first time in my life (as far as I can remember), I took plenty of initiative. I don't know if it is because I have plenty to live up to or just because of my maturity that I took on this new approach, but I did it. I had some prior warning that I was going to work with someone who was rather inefficient and I needed to be "on the ball", but my kind boss also told me that I only needed to do my work and not have to take on any other responsibility. That helped to ease the pressure but my good friend Maya has been introducing me to everyone outside the department as someone capable and responsible and at the back of the mind, I am half doing the "Who is this person she is talking about?" and the "Omigod. Please don't do that." thingie.

It has been a trip down nostalgia as well, reliving the memories of my student years and walking the same paths again as staff. The food is still bad for what its worth but I am getting a lot more walking exercise (up and down campus), which has been good. On my first week there, I even had the opportunity to be a model for the new Undergraduate Prospectus, which will probably be published for students next year.

It was a rather chilly morning that we had to do it and it was strange trying to pretend to be friends with someone we only met 5 minutes ago. There were also a few "F.R.I.E.N.D.S" shots with 6 of us walking in a straight line (Yeah! Like that's what happens in real life) and pretending to be doing group work with a gap in front, so that photographer gets to photograph everyone's faces. Still, it was time off doing real work and getting paid (with an added bonus of two free movie tickets), so I guess I shouldn't complain. ;-)

The best thing was getting to know some colleagues from the same department on a more personal friendship basis and also having many laughs. We also constantly warn each other not to stick our fingers in our noses, no matter how tempting it might get because there was a prior incident which is now infamous in the handbook of this particular guy pretending to listen to a lecture and having his finger up the "no-no" region.

Last Friday, I also attended the Postgraduate Ball, which was a rather smallish event but shockingly amateurish. Altogether it was a rather boring event but since it was free, it was good to catch up with colleagues outside the work environment as well. Beats me though why anyone would pay for an event like this. Ha! Ha!

So, the first two weeks have been great but it has been a rather steep learning curve and strangely, even though the hours are shorter, I am feeling rather tired and am trying to find the motivation to share more on my blog, hence the time lag of posts. There looks to be many more Christmas and Thank You functions since it is near the end of the year, so maybe I did choose a good time to enter. It is a new change and I am looking forward to the challenges that lie ahead of me.

Trepidation

In the middle of last month, I made a purchase on Ebay for a 60G iPod because my 20G iPod was really not serving its purpose anymore. I bought it second hand in the first place and after many repeated listenings, I found that it is far superior to any other form of portable disc player. Since I listen to such a huge variety of music - English, Japanese, Mandarin, Cantonese and some French and Latin, I started finding that I had to start deleting songs from the iPod so that I can fit the new songs in.

I don't usually have any problems with purchasing on Ebay which is why I proceeded with this purchase, seeing that the seller was a power seller with many positive comments. I paid for the purchase and after a week, did not receive any payment confirmation from the seller. I emailed him and asked him if he has received it and he said that due to some problems at Ebay, his account was suspended, but it was not his fault, he reassured.

I waited for another week before I confronted him again and he said it was going to be fixed in the matter of days. After more waiting, I was not only frightened but frustrated, so I wrote and said that his problem with Ebay really had nothing to do with me since I had paid for the item I purchased, so I should be shipped my iPod. He wrote back apologetically and said that it would arrive in 7 days. That was about 2 weeks ago. After waiting a day with no response to my upset email, he wrote back today to say that Apple was having some problems with supplying the 60G iPod because it has been discontinued, and would offer a free upgrade to 80G at no extra charge because of the blunder.

He also said it will arrive on Thursday. I later found out that it meant arriving to him on Thursday instead of me. I am a little miffed about this purchase because of the amount of money involved and even though he has been very polite, rather prompt and professional with his replies, I still can't help feeling cheated.

I am now praying that it will arrive eventually but I just don't know how much I will trust buying on Ebay for expensive items like this again. Why didn't Ebay inform me that there was going to be some problems with the seller if they were going to drop him? Why did he only tell me that there was a problem with supply only after I sent another email that it has not been delivered?

I "used to" work in the ecommerce industry which gave me the confidence to purchase online but this has rocked me a little. So, has anyone else had similar experiences? What should I do if it doesn't come through?

I Am Free

I hadn't expected it to be this difficult but it was nice to receive such appreciation and validation of the work that I had done over the past six and a half years. There were many surprised looks, voices and exclamations, many from people whom I only had a phone relationship with, and had never met.

I always thought that my family in Australia was my John and his family and my close network of friends, but then I was wrong. In some ways, I had created a family at work and many of the suppliers whom I had never met were like a family of some other sort as well. So, when I said Goodbye, I felt a wave of sadness, almost like my idol Momoe Yamaguchi when she was putting down the microphone for the last time and giving up this world. I could feel how it must have felt.

The last time I felt this way was when I left Seagate (my last company in Singapore) and there were tears. I wrote everyone a personal farewell card and did the same this time, though I was thankful that there were less to write. I also wrote emails to all my suppliers and some came back with beautiful compliments back, and I would like to share some of them here. It can be interpreted as "showing off" but I will take that risk to show how we can all colour others' lives with our efforts and make a difference:

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear James,

What a truly beautiful email – I wish all our customers were as wonderful as you…!!!!

We will miss you very much as you have always been one of our very favourite “friends”

I want to wish you every success and happiness for whatever the future holds & also thankyou
for being such a genuine delight to deal with.

If the world had more people like you – it would be a much better place.

Take care and keep in touch
With my very best wishes & love
From Tara

Thank you James......It has been a real pleasure working
with you on the phones and helping you with your inquiries.

You always knew the products and your orders are just so
easy to work with and process.

Take care my friend ..the Book industry will not be same
without you and your knowledge of the products.

ALL THE VERY BEST.

Please keep in touch.

Cheers

Sylvia

If you ever move back into this line of business in the future, please contact me, as I would be more than happy to move my patronage to any enterprise you consider.

Regards, and all the very best for the future,

Tom

Congratulations James - we both wish you all the best in your new adventure!
We have always had the ultimate service experience from you and are sad to
see you leave the company. Thanks you so much!! We hope you have a very
special day tomorrow and look forward to your new journey!
Cheers,
Veronica

Hi James,
Thanks for the kind words.

Sorry to see you go.
You were the heart and soul of that business, I hope he appreciated everything you did!!

Good luck in your new ventures.

Cheers

Chris

LOL it’s the strangest thing being so attached to someone you have never
personally met but James we truly appreciate all the training and knowledge
you have patiently passed on to all of us here and really will miss you!

Just reading your email made me all teary and this customer walked in and
almost walked out again...and so I was trying to compose myself and then you
called and it made me cry all over again! Luckily hes a regular customer!

I really wish you all the best and hope you stay in touch with the bookware
team! It will always be a pleasure to work with you!

Best wishes and good luck with your future endeavours,
Maryam
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

During my last interview that I was successful at, I was asked "What do you see as your biggest achievement" over the past 6 years at your current job? My answer was the relationships that I had built over the years with these people. That is my biggest achievement.

Friday was my last day and there was times when I cried when I read some of those emails. However, when I left my work as an ex-employee, there was a lightness that came along with the freedom. I can now look back on those days fondly and walk towards a new chapter of my life with new friends to make, and new lives to grace ...

"Mr Big" in Our Lives - 片思い Part II -

Last Sunday at the pool while sunbaking, I was chatted by a fellow swimmer, who turned out to be a Chinese fashion designer. Once he realised I could speak Mandarin, he started spraying his life philosophies on "Love and Relationships" at me. After a few disappointments, especially in his last relationship, he is now jaded and prefers to be single.

I didn't offer any of my opinions. I just quietly listened and nodded at times, allowing for the conversation to flow like a lecture. Why he chose to say those things I don't know? Was he trying to warn me or did he try to make small conversation with such heavy opinions? Unfortunately, he wasn't that interested in knowing who I was, or he would have realised that he is wasting his time.

I have met people like him and maybe I was naive then, but I tried to convince them otherwise. They persisted but I am happy to say that sometimes, it just takes the right person to change that. I look back at my romances or fantasises and wonder how some would have turned out, if I had just made the "right move". I told my story to my dear friend, Dani, and he says that they are the "Mr Bigs of our lives", and everyone has them.

Mine happened at university. I was rather "blind" then. Thinking back, there must have been a few of them who were interested but I was oblivious. Maybe I wasn't physically attracted to them. The funniest thing is that during my 2nd and final year at uni, I fell for two "straight" guys. They were undeniably one of the hottest in the faculty and they were in some of my classes. Interestingly, they were polar opposites. Both gorgeous but R was dangerous while D was proper.

I will always remember the first day I set my eyes on R. He walked into my 6 pm Marketing class which I had no choice but to take because I wasn't available for the earlier classes. I was dreading it until he appeared. It was surreal because he seemed to float through, smiling at the lecturer and then nonchalantly taking a seat in class. It was almost like how one would see James Dean walk by the screen. So effortless yet so sexy. I soon noticed that I wasn't the only one looking because whenever he came to class, which wasn't very often, heads turned in his direction.

I fell hard in lust but all I really wanted was to get to know him. During the first mid term exam, I purposedly sat in front of him, and after we walked out of the hall, he said "So, what did you think?" I turned around like an idiot wondering if it was me he was talking to, and I even said (I think) "Me?". The rest is history.

We talked, we walked, we said goodbye. From then on, I kept notes for him when he never attended class and called to see if we could meet up so that I could pass him the notes. In many ways, I was like a shy school-girl. One common topic that binded us was our passion for Japan. We talked about it and he asked me what I thought about being an exchange student. I encouraged him to do so, so that we could have more opportunities to meet.

Funnily enough, a friend who later turned out to be my tutor felt the same way too, and it was coincidental that the person that we both swooned about, turned out to be the same person. Secretly, I think we were both envious of each other though we never did let that affect our friendship.

I will always remember a night when after we had drinks and when he took off in the bus, I waved and said goodbye. He mouthed it and then planted his palm on the window like they did in "Titanic" as the bus drove away. I smiled. I think that was the last time I met him.

It was pure kataomoi (crush) but my heart always raced whenever I see him. I think he could have experimented (or rather my friend thought so because heterosexual guys don't do coffee) but it was probably the wrong time. I never saw him again after we went on to 3rd year because he was apparently expelled.

D, on the other hand, was a Jewish hunk. He had a great body, beautiful face but no girlfriend. I first noticed him staring at me weirdly in class and this would happen not only once but almost all the time. I enjoyed the attention but I think I was waiting for R, so I didn't do anything.

One incident that I was still puzzled happened at the computer lab when I sat one seat away from him typing away at my report. There was an empty seat apart but from the corner of my eye, I saw him staring at me. After 5 or 10 minutes, he finally spoke and asked me something trivial. Unfortunately, I was still too smitten by R then to take on the "cue", and even though we would stare at each other in class, we never found the courage to take a step further. I wonder why he spoke that day? We shared the same him for a coffee?

I saw him again on a bus once after we both graduated but he alighted soon after. I think he recognised me but he never allowed me that pleasure of knowing.

They are both cases of beautiful "what if's ...". They could be life lessons for me then to know when not to let a good thing go later in my life. I am now happily married to the love of my life but like Mr Big in Carrie's life, they will always be beautiful "could've beens".

单恋是痛苦的，
但回忆时是甜美的。
一生要单恋几回，
才有真正的勇气去爱一个人。

Can't Let Go?

With every second I draw nearer to Friday 13th October. I am not a superstitious person, so I had never paid particular attention to the day, but this time, it will be different.

It dawned upon me today as I stroll my usual path to work, that the few trips I will take next week will be one of my last routines. I seem to be more acutely aware than I had been, secretly savouring whatever is left, looking at things with a sense of nostaglia to come.

I think it is going to be tougher than I had thought. Six and a half years I had worked at my job. When I first started telling my suppliers that I am leaving, I was over-whelmed by their sense of loss. One said that she heard this "really nasty rumour" that I am leaving, and when I confirmed it, she said it was such a loss because it has been such a pleasure working with me over the years. They wished me luck in unison and said that I would have to call and say goodbye when it is time. I cried silent tears down the back of my eyes.

I have yet to call my customers but I will do so for my regulars. It almost feels like giving up my baby, but there is always a time when one has to let go. Maybe my body knows me better than my conscious mind and it's grieving. For the better of the past week, I have been suffering a tight back and a very sore neck. My masseuer says that it has to do with "letting go" and the body is unable to do so, which is why it is holding back. When will I let go? Will I cry at my own farewell party?

I was also a little surprised by the reactions of my co-workers whom I had trained. For the first time, I am the one leaving. Maybe I had played the part of big brother and protected them, providing them with a place that they feel comfortable enough to be themselves. Sophia, the only female colleague exclaimed once that the boys always come to me when they have troubles in their personal lives. Maybe I am really the lucky one instead ...

I know who I am and I am not one that lets go of friendships easily. Friendships to me are little miracles that we sometimes forget to celebrate every living day. Maybe if I see the new work as a chance for new miracles, then maybe my body might accept it easier ...

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

It has served me well for the past 6 years, allowing me an opportunity to live my dream, but the time has come to say goodbye. Ironically, it has been my longest relationship since I arrived 8 years ago and it has been a very difficult decision. Afterall, it is like a baby that I had nursed and now, I have to let it go and watch it grow under someone else's care.

Over the past few months and particularly so the past 3 weeks, I had made unreasonable demands on myself, putting myself outside my comfort zone to achieve what I finally set out to do a few years ago. Maybe part of it was to prove that I was still capable and the only way to do it was to dive head on. I am proud of myself but I am now wide awake at 5.30 am this morning, feeling the effects of the morning after.

I am leaving my job. To many people, I have become an image of my workplace. The reliable person that you get when you call or come to the retail end of the store. I don't have all the solutions but I try. I didn't have any experience running a business but I did it. There are many things I achieved that I should be proud of, but they are not quantitative. It is not only the success of the business but the relationships I have established. The suppliers, customers and my close relationship with my boss.

I told John last night that I still have a lot of love for my boss as a person because we are more like friends than boss and subordinate. However, the workload in heavier periods has sometimes created a bit of resentment, so this has freed the opportunity to care about him like a friend once again.

I guess I can always see it not only as moving on in life but progressing to another stage of our relationship, which will make it easier because I stilll want this friendship. I'd always knew it would be difficult but it has to be done ...

Thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive during my dormant years and pushing me on to achieve this, especially John. A step up towards our future!

爱到分离仍是爱。
不只是情人，
工作也一样。
可能我比较善情，
所以才会矛盾。
可是毕竟是一种爱，
离别抉择终有伤痛。

Aussiebum

I have been posting so many serious issues that I thought I might sex it up a little with pictures of my new swimshorts that I bought over the net and wore them for the first time today. I am really happy with them because they are really comfortable and the cut helps create a sexier image.

These are photos taken off the Aussiebum website and as much as I wish the "six-pack" was mine, I love food too much to starve for such perfection. But I can dream ... an improbable dream ...

A perfect way to start Spring!

Forgiveness

John and I were watching a typical Korean movie "A Moment To Remember" highly recommended by my sister, who also bought it as a present for me. The movie was full of clichés and patchy in spots, but was bearable due to the beauty and charisma of the two actors.

There was only one "true moment" to remember in the movie and it was this quote "We build houses in ourselves and forgiveness is about placing hatred in a small room." It is rather poignant because it teaches us not to let hatred consume our lives.

Saying sorry is not a difficult thing for me because I don't put a lot of emphasis on pride and I like the feeling of allowing myself to look silly to get a smile or a laugh out of someone who is not feeling particularly well. I remember clearly an incident during my army days when my best friend and I let the smallest of misunderstandings diminish the bond between us. We were so close. He was heterosexual but was comfortable about holding me, laying his head on my shoulder or even teasing me like a guy does his partner.

To many, they saw us as great buddies and I helped him through some of the hardest times of his army life. Somehow, lines were blurred in the army, and even though we never got intimate with kissing or anything further, it was more than a brotherhood that I could feel. Maybe deep down, it was more incomprehensible for him than me, so when the opportunity arose, he maximised it. We never got back to the same intimacy. We were not fearful of being burned but the little tiff toppled us both over.

Eventually, when we ended up having to work together, forgiveness was unnecessary but we couldn't even pin-point where what it was that started it all. It was too far down our minds and we reached this silent compromise that it was probably for the better that we never got so close again. I have not seen him since I left the army and even when I speak of him to my other friends, I feel the closeness we once felt. We didn't address the issues in a timely fashion and I guess we just missed the boat which sailed on, leaving us on opposite sides of the dock.

An Early Frost

I had just watched the 1985 TV movie "An Early Frost" and I am amazed at how the film's message still applies today. It is the very first gay movie made on AIDS and to me, it was more realistic and touched on more sensitive issues than the seemingly definitive "Philadelphia" in 1994.

For starters, in 1985 people were still starting to familiarise themselves with the terms HIV and AIDS. Rock Hudson apparently came out a week after the movie screened on TV, which was watched by 33 million viewers and topped the viewership for the night. I was too young then, but I do remember the gaunt looking Hudson gracing the headlines of the local Singaporean papers. We were all learning about the disease in our own ways, and forming prejudices and beliefs based on what we hear from the grapevine, rather than the truth.

Truths may be presented but what do the experts know? We believed that nothing was greater than pure prevention. So, when I came out in Australia, at the back of my mind, I wondered how I would be affected by it. Active gay men are strongly encouraged to go for HIV tests regularly if they are having sex with more than one partner, and I remember the first test I had to take. It wasn't so much the anxiety over the blood drawing, but more so the embarassment of having to answer all sorts of personal questions you don't even like to ask yourself. Then, there is agonising one week wait and then the never ending time at the waiting room to be called in for your results. It is an excruciating painful process, even if the eventual results turn out negative.

When I made my first friend with HIV, I reacted the same way anyone who has read but never experienced would do ... I asked myself what is the appropriate behavi0ur? It isn't easy because I think they didn't want me to know but yet they knew I must know somehow. It's just coming out to another gay person. I actually remember now that I didn't know when I first met them, and only when I pondered and eventually askedwas the truth told, but never from the person, always from someone else. I was shocked because that was my first. I had all the same fears but deep down, I knew it was wrong to feel this prejudice. He was after all a friend of my friend's, and I wanted to show that my friend that I was supportive.

So, I decided to see them not as needing my pity, but rather my friendship. I wasn't going to treat them any different from my friends because it would not be doing them any favours. I was going to be myself. I hug and kiss them and I don't think twice about it anymore. It has become a way of life, but it would not have been possible if I had not taken the opportunity and the effort to know them, and understand that most of them have a strong sense of humour and a positive outlook on life. I don't know if it is coming close to death that allows them this freedom to be ... to not have this care that we have about looking bad, and just treasuring every moment they have, and live.

The first funeral I attended in Sydney was one of these friends. I still remember him clearly, but it is not the sick images or stories of him that I recall but I see him in his sunny self. Thankfully, there is better medication out there for people living with HIV, but it is still incurable. "It is not a gay disease" as spelled out in this movie but this message still gets lost because conservative gatekeepers in our society prefer to keep it under wraps and handle it the only way they can, by pointing the easy finger. We now know this truth because millions are dying in Africa of AIDS everyday. However, without powerful voices like us, prejudice remains.

We need love in our lives to carry on our daily motivations but more so the less fortunate people around the world. Perceptions can blind us but truths and love will clear the way ...

A Surprise Trip

Much has been happening but nothing significant to report or explore, except that I will be making a very short 4 day trip back to Singapore once again from the 22nd - 25th September. It is a late surprise gift from my Aunt Constance in Japan, who called me about a week or so ago, asking if I could spare some time to attend my cousin's wedding.

Initially, my response was No. Not only because I had just returned, but more so that I didn't want her to "waste" any money unnecessarily. On the other hand, there was the issue of John and I was concerned that we were not spending enough time on holidays and here I am, taking another 2 days off work to go back to Singapore. However, she persevered and funnily enough, when I told my parents of her good intentions, their initial reactions were predictably negative and a little hurting at the same time. Rationale ruled over heart and they implored me to be strong in negativity. In slight retaliation, I told Mum to call aunt instead and discourage her from doing so.

Within 5 minutes, I get a call from aunt who began the first line with "Why did you tell your Mum? I wanted to give her a surprise." How that escaped my mind, I don't know. I guess I was seduced by the fancy idea of having my family in my arms once again. When you are that far away from the people you care so much about, any chance is a dream come true.

I said "Sorry and Yes, I will start looking at flights" absent-mindedly because I could feel my heart in my throat. We hung up and within a minute, there was Mum again asking me what aunt had told me. Still fazed, I said "Nothing", but she pressed on "Did she say she wanted to surprise me?" to which I nodded with a soft "Yes", amazed by the telepathy between the sisters. Mum then calmed down and asked "So, are you coming or not?". I said "I don't know. I'll think about it" twice because she repeated the question. Laughing at my "broken record", she says "I know that means that you're going to come" with my dad's laughter echoing in the background.

Almost a week passed before I spoke to them again and to my surprise, they had dropped defences and are embracing my possible return, albeit for such a short time. I have just booked the ticket but have yet to let them know, but I guess they don't really need to, because they do.

It will be a testing time because I also see it as an opportunity to redefine my relationship with my aunt since she outed me last year. Consciously due to fear, I have distanced myself from her, and have reduced the amount of fancy telephone chats over the past year. I am not proud of that but it is difficult for me to operate outside my comfort zone. I lacked courage and was embarrassed by it. So, I chose the easy way out. Most conversations tinged with fear and a constant lookout for the escape hatch ...

Since she is a sensitive woman, I have a strong feeling that she realises that, and is trying to work something out here. I will also have a chance to let her know my side of the story, which is that "I am happy", and I think this is very important. I will also be meeting my uncle whom I have not met before since their marriage 2 years ago, so it would be nice to catch up, though I don't know if she has revealed the secret to him. I am sure we will have some quiet time where I can poach the subject.

I can already see it as a tiring trip to and fro and will not have any opportunity to meet up with anyone, except my VAMP group who knows my aunt and who would most likely want to see them again. Nevertheless, blood relations will always remain important in my life and the spontaneity of the trip will most likely leave me grinning in spite of the fatigue.

The Asian Queer "Revolution"

I received my usual updates from Fridae and there were some interesting articles about a famed Malaysian journalist and some ordinary Singaporeans coming out in their books respectively.

Since this is a topic of discussion on my previous post, I thought it would be nice to share a few of these "brave stories" here to spur me and everyone else caught in the same boat.

Here are the links:

Oyoung WenFeng

Queer in Singapore



Talking Cock

I believe it is good that these people are stepping out into the limelight and particularly brave of the 15 ordinary Singaporeans featured in the second link. The following quotes from the Indian lesbian resonated with me:

"Coming out is an act of courage but you need to support your community by being out too. I needed to do it to help bring my own community as in the Indian community out of the closet and that it's okay"

I am lucky because I am out to my friends here in Australia but I do have some friends back in Singapore who have to lead a secret life, not only to their families but to their friends as well. I don't know how much exposure these articles might get in the media but I am hoping that the press will help to shape positive attitudes when the books are launched. Sometimes, ordinary people can be daily heroes too.

The Wedding Banquet

My baby wants recognition from my family as my lover. My baby says he doesn't want to bear the effects of my not coming out anymore ...

The discussions about my status as a gay son in my family has recently been escalating. Initially, I embark on my usual voyage of denials and affirmations that my parents are not "matured enough" to take the news if I break it to them, and with the encouragement of some friends to do it at my own time, I usually get away with diverting the conversation for some other time.

Yesterday, this topic of intense interest has been sparked by a lecture we attended on gay, lesbians, human rights and marriage issues given eloquently by the Honorable Justice Michael Kirby. During the lecture, he not only discussed the need for us to address the homosexual issues relating to human rights, but also any other minority group facing the same discrimination all around the world. It's not just an issue that affects us, and even though we may not live to see the day where we will universally be loved, we have to work hard together to pave the way for this to happen.

One of the topics that he also discussed was the coming out to the family and how we need to do that so that people around us, our friends, colleagues and families will not longer have the opportunity to declare that they do not know anyone who is gay. We need to be brave and stand out, so that they will understand that fundamentally, we are no different from them, and are not evil spirits within.

I got the message and when the topic was brought up during our dinner again, John brought up the first valid point that really struck home. He has previously likened his experience with me as an invisible lover ... just a flatmate that James spends an incredible amount of time with, but his parents still look forward to the day James will find the right person. He wants to be recognised, even if they are going to shun him (which will be my anticipated reaction), like the way his Mum accepts me as her son's lover. Yesterday, he likened it to being in a relationship with someone for 4 years and he is ashamed to bring me home as his lover.

I'll give him this as his most valid point. If we were in a heterosexual relationship, my parents would probably be planning a weddding banquet now ... the one that I am going to break their hearts and their dreams that they are never going to have one.

My parents love me dearly. Ever since we were young, we have been doted with lots of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, and Dad asking us if we love him back. I thought it was normal or rather common until I realised that my friend's parents hardly touched them. Slowly, it started getting embarassing as we grew older and we confined it within the four walls of our home. I will also always remember promising Dad and Mum that I will look after them when I grow older, which is probably why this integrity makes coming out so difficult.

There must be something in not being honest about my sexuality that feeds this denial. Not wanting to hurt them, shatter their dreams, feeling the anxiety, losing face .... So many points for my home run ... Does my current stance of "cultural differences" still stand as a valid point?

Everytime I go back to Singapore nowadays, I try to be the perfect son. I feel like I am a bad son in my parents' eye because selfishly, I have chosen to live my dream staying abroad, instead of doing my part as a dutiful son. Yes, I have traditional values that I still keep, but that is what defines me. My fundamentality as a Chinese that I am proud of. It doesn't mean that I have to give this up just because I choose to live in foreign soil. I have adopted some Aussie trademarks, but I am still me deep within.

Even though my parents appear strong and wish me well, I know that deep down they are hurting because I am not there. I called my aunt recently and her first response was "Have you come back to Singapore for good?". When I last saw my cousins, one of the elder ones said "Why do you choose to stay away when your parents love you so much. Can't you see that you are hurting them?"

These are guilts that I have to live with. I call them three times a week, I write them "love letters" when I go, and I never forget to let them know how I feel. Still, deep down, I feel like the bad son. My Mum's "We are not going to be around all the time" may sound like emotional blackmail to some, but when your mother says this to you with an aching heart, how can you steel yours?

John says I have to grow up and accept that they are not always going to be happy with my choices and that I don't have to live my life according to them. This is true but I am learning to make my own decisions still. It is my journey to walk and even though I have the love and support of my friends and family, it is my consequence to bear, and that is my crossroad.

We both have our own cases with valid points and I have seen many other couples who have dealt with it before me. Some have lasted much longer than we have, but their partners are still in the closet. Is it that their partners are so generous and understanding that coming out doesn't matter to them, or have they just given up? Is there a balance we can strike?

I know what my coming out can bring. Lots of good and plenty of bad as well. John has confidence that my parents' love for me will eventually shine through, though I wonder if I am ready for this ride yet. Ang Lee's movie "The Wedding Banquet" still rings as the most realistic portrait of interracial relationships (not only for Asians but other cultural groups binded strongly by beliefs).

One of the main reasons why I haven't come out or I freeze at the thought of it is my parent's impression of homosexuality cultivated by the gatekeepers of society. I believe my Mum has stronger intuition than my Dad who is seemingly oblivious. She sees and she probes. I wonder if that is a sign that she knows or she is just getting ready for the revelation one day? With Asians, saving face is the most important thing in their world, so like the parents in "The Wedding Banquet", it will probably remain an open secret within the small confines of my family, if I do come out. Without the society's support, it will remain tough to declare our love but like what Justice Michael Kirby says, we will be the ones that will have to make that bold change.

I think I know that it is a day that is coming soon, and maybe I am working harder towards building the courage for that to happen. Maybe it's the part of me that wants to please, so that I am still lovable that leaves me in a further dilemma. I guess deep down in me, I can still make that wedding banquet dream happen, but with my love instead of what they had envisioned. Isn't my happiness most important?

囍宴就是幸福的开始吗？
那不结婚就不会幸福吗？
粉碎父母的梦想就是不孝吗？
我心慌，我彷徨，
真爱真地能克服万难吗？
面子真比我们的幸福重要吗 。 。 。

Leslie Kee and Akina Nakamori

Image: Courtesy of 乱火from VAMP

I was the one that introduced Japanese music to my friend, Leslie Kee, who is now a famous photographer. I am "the root of the evil" because we became so embroiled in it that our studies were affected. Maybe because we were both trying so hard to fit in somewhere somehow, this avenue allowed us a safe place to hideaway. The best thing is that it has helped us to bond deeper and I am so proud of his every achievement and I hope that I will continue to draw more inspiration from him in my life everday.

Akina is and always has been my favourite. I will never forget a birthday present that I was given by Leslie where he superimposed Akina and my image together in a photostand (he photocopied our images a couple of times till he obtained the right size and proportion because there was no photoshop in the late 80s). It is still sitting in a cupboard in Singapore and everytime I see it, I remember the exhilaration I experienced when I first set my eyes on it.

Until last year, I had never seen her live and thus, when I was urged by friends to offer 3 free tickets to Leslie, I hurried. Alas, due to bad timing and weather, he had to give it up because of a CM shoot with new Japanese superstar Koda Kumi. He told me that he will try his best to watch the last concert on the 8th August with a TV producer but couldn't commit to it. Still I begged him not to miss the concert after reading all the fabulous reviews that our fellow VAMPires had gushed about after they returned home.

2 days had passed and I hadn't heard back, so I assumed that he didn't make it. But I am crying silently now because Leslie has written me an email about him catching Akina's final performance at the Tokyo Forum, and here is his letter ...

Dearest James

Wow, I have to say Akina is a killer on stage.

I have probably seen more than hundreds of concerts in the last 12 years
in Japan, but nobody is like Akina, what a perfectionist on stage, and the
most incredible experience for me, was that all the audience stood up
throughout the entire 150 mins concert !!!

Not even Yuming nor Ayu nor Hikaru's live ever have such response
from the audience, inspite of the mega scale in big halls.

Guess that all your Akina's fans must have already shared with you their
feelings for this The Last Destination Live. Luckily enough was that I
was sitting in the middle, 10 rows from the stage, very very good seat
and her charm and power that night, was just so irresistable !

In her 2nd encore, she sang Momoe's 夢先案内人, Takeuchi Mariya's
September and Slow Motion, which was requested by the audience.
She performed those 3 songs without any music, but so beautifully.
I managed to enter backstage, as I met actress Kanda Uno (who acted
in the drama with her, and is also one of the 300 artists in my book)
and she was very nice to have brought me in. However that night,
according to Akina's record management (Universal Record) , she was
not in the mood to meet anyone, so even Uno has no choice but to
leave without meeting her.

Almost there, so close, but too bad. However I have a great talk with
Universal Record, and began to understand many reasons why Akina
refused so much major offers in the last 10 years of her career.
Akina thinks very deeply, and will only accept projects and jobs if
she feels it. Sometimes it's also about timing.

Please keep on loving Akina - she is such a lengendary Diva, and I
promise you that one day, not very far from now, I am going to photographher with the most amazing beauty which we have been missing from her,for a long time.

By the way, my SUPER STARS Book will be out on 10 November 2006.
Opening party on that evening, at the Omotesando Hills, Tokyo.Another 3 more months from now !

This is such a fabulous review from someone who is not a core Akina fan but who loves and admires her as well and I am so touched by the comments. I feel almost as if I was there watching and screaming with Leslie, which we had not done since 1994 at Yuming's concert with Zing and Kong as well. This is a wonderful testament to Akina's prowess and I can't wait to watch the performance on DVD which I hope will be released. Thank You Akina. You have made all of us fans very happy and extremely proud of you.

More Reviews of Akina's concert on VAMP.

Lastly, for those of you who are in Tokyo on the 10th November, please go and support Leslie on his launch. I am sure you will see many famous artistes there if they are free. Yuming will be writing the foreword/preface for the book, so she might be there too. Thank you lastly to Leslie for keeping my dream alive!!!

Please visit Leslie's website for more information on his upcoming publication and why he is dedicating this book to the unfortunate people who died and suffered during the tsunami 2004.

Tales and Fables

Remember the tales and fables we were told when we were children? Not only those to scare us, like "Don't screw your face up because the wind might change and your expression will stick" or variations of the "bogey-man if we are not good?", but others like "Where did we come from?"

That came up as a nagging thought after I watched the new Australian movie "Ten Canoes", which is also the first to be filmed in an aboriginal language. It is an amazing film that traces the origins of Aborigines and also the fable of a man and his three wives. For Aborigines, they believe that their souls originate "like a tadpole" (the way I remember it) and they hibernate in a pond until their calling, where they enter their mother's vagina. When they die, their souls return back to this pond where they originate and they await their rebirth. It is all about nature and is very spiritual.

The Westerners believe in the tale that the stork would carry a bundle of joy (baby) to their parents and hence their arrival. However, no matter how I searched my memory, I cannot recall a Chinese fable that covers our birth. Maybe I haven't heard it, or maybe I just remember the stork story, but I seriously think there isn't one. Are us Chinese not concerned about how we were born? It could also be that there are so many Chinese fables (my favourite is 画蛇添足） to be told that we never practise the art of questioning, or we have just been told to shut up if we ask too many questions. Ultimately, all I can recall is that I just came to the conclusion in my schooling years amongst discussions with friends that my parents just had sex and created me.

Maybe it is also because I am born in Singapore, a multicultural city that seeks to define its own identity. Even though we are Chinese descendants with our grandparents or great-grandparents migrating from mainland China, we still practise many traditions that might not be celebrated in China today. I read once that migrants bring with them a piece of tradition that is passed down status quo, unaware that sometimes in the land of origin, practices have updated with times. So, was this tale lost in time?

Though the movie "Ten Canoes" is rather slow, it was very authentic and both interesting and puzzling, but I understand that foreigners would feel the same way about my Chinese culture as well. These are the cultural differences that help define us and we should be proud of them. The movie not only allows newer generations of Aborigines to understand a piece of their history but also to be proud of it. Foreigners like me are hence also offered a chance understand them better through this depiction.
For me, the highlights of the movie is ironically, the death ceremony. It is intriguing because the person who is near death has to perform a death dance until he/she is breathless and can no longer continue. Someone else will then dance for them till the dance is over. It is almost like being in the spotlight for the last time while the villagers celebrate your life for the last time. It is very unlike the Western and Chinese culture, which are poles apart to start with.

The Western affair is solemn but the Chinese prefer to mourn in a louder fashion. For Buddhists and Taoists, there will be a more elaborate affair, and the extend of the "extravagance" will depend on the age of the deceased. The older the person is, the longer will the ceremony be held. There will be lots of talking, eating and mahjong playing all through the night, to "scare the evil spirits who want to take the soul of the deceased away". These old wives tales that form the core beliefs of our system.

The deceased in both cases do not celebrate their life in any fashion. They lie silent within the confines of their final resting place. Westerners have eulogies but Chinese don't. They just talk and share amongst themselves and the saddest thing is that not everyone will hear these wonderful stories that may help them to understand this person/relative better.

Tales and fables ... they help to define our core belief systems and structures, which is why it is difficult sometimes not to be superstitious about certain traditions, but do they need updating with times? One of John's favourite is questioning the validity of the word "heaty", which he thinks is preposterous, but to me, defines the way Chinese see their body ... as a temple of yin and yang, the imbalance of which creates illness within the body. It is a concept difficult to them, and equally puzzling to us as to why they can't understand such a simple concept.

If I could change one tradition which seems to be universal, then I would change the way we mourn death. Eulogies are nice, but the dead cannot hear. They deserve to be heard because it can help to change or even save lives. It should be a celebration and we should have such ceremonies at least once in our lives because we all deserve it. My darling John had an appreciation ceremony for his mother in 2001 and they are still talking and reminiscing about it, and one of my best friends and someone I really look up to, Robbie did it recently for his partner's Margaret's 60th birthday. Jokingly, she said it resembled eulogies.There was tears and laughter , and altogether, it was just beautiful. A celebration of love, friendship and souls. I was hesitant about speaking up because I didn't have that much history but I realised after that that many others felt the same way and chose not to speak. I see the wasted chances and will seek courage so that I will do so in any future opportunities.

I remember a time when I worked in Singapore when I would write a farewell/appreciation letter to every person who left the company that I was working at. I will never forget their faces when they read the email/letter and the connections we established. It was pure magic and I wonder where it has all gone now? So, maybe this year, for my 35th birthday, I will ask not for presents, but just a figment of our sweet memories ...