I have recently joined a Mens' Group, which we have formed as an emotional support network for men. I don't have too much of a problem relaying my thoughts anywhere as you can tell, and my initial reaction was that it would both be a great opportunity to know my friend better and also human behaviour in the process. What I have learnt and am surprised are the masculine roles that heterosexual men have been pigeonholed into, and how these societal models have forced them into conformity and the resulting emotional stress and pain from living up to these responsibilities.
It is a rare occasion that I feel that I am more fortunate that I do not have to feel the same pressures to have to worry about the mortgage and putting food on the table, and that this is my sole responsibility because I am the man. To feel that I have to live up to this expectation and worry about exposing my vulnerability and fear to my female partner and family, this is a truly big burden to have to bear.
With John and I, we are pretty lucky that gays don't have to prescribe to the traditional man vs woman roles in our relationships. This gives us the freedom to express our joys and our fears but I am not advocating that this is true of all gay couples because there are still many that feel they need to be masculine and not reveal their emotions. However, I wonder what holds them back is their denial of their feminine side or an upbringing that just did not encourage that. The insistence of not wanting to look, sound or act gay, parts of which I prescribe to, but the emotional shutdown they impose on exposing their vulnerability, even towards their partners, is something I find a little difficult to fathom.
Is it the disappointment through past life experiences or the low trust level they embody a strong factor in this decision they make. When will men realise that it takes more courage to be vulnerable sometimes, than to be strong all the time.
We are lucky that we are both emotionally rather mature beings though I know that I hold back sometimes, not because I have a problem against vulnerability. Just because I don't always cry at movies is a not an indication, but it could be that my Asian upbringing encourages me to "keep my problems to myself". I think that vulnerability is beautiful and it can help bring people closer together and I think that this mens' group is a great outlet for them and me, to feel more comfortable playing outside the box.
I used to think that I want to be in this group to help someone and possibly find my calling, but I now know that I am gaining something from it too. Through explorations of others' experiences which can be a reflection of a past or current state of mind, I can feel myself growing and accepting myself and being more comfortable with my imperfections. It is also a great way to help build and strengthen relationships with people that mean the most to me, both within or outside the group. On top of educating them about us and what they can possibly learn from gay relationships or what I have with John, we can all help to crush and remodel the fixtures we have in our minds since our young age of five or six when we start learning values and beliefs that shape who we are today.
Friday, March 23, 2007
The Reader and The Writer
I wouldn't consider myself an avid reader because I am not burying my head in the book for most parts of my free time. However, I do read a bit, especially during my bus trips to work and before bedtime, which I do enjoy immensely. I do spend quite an amount of time on the internet reading blogs, news and forum articles, so I wonder if the term "reader" should be reclassified to include electronic material instead of just hard copy.
I don't like science fiction and I am definitely not a detective/slasher novel fan, though I had read of some which still resonate in my mind when I recall good books that I have read. Starting from fairy tales, transgressing to the Secret Seven Series and Nancy Drew in my childhood and ultimately to classics like "Little Women", "Great Expectations", "Pride and Prejudice" in my teenage years and now predominantly biographies, non-fiction, contemporary or Booker and Pulitzer Prize winning material, I reflect on how my taste have been shaped by the happenings of my life.
I guess my taste in books also progressed alongside my preference for certain genre of movies as I matured, hence my DVD collection at this point screaming "No more drama. Give me comedy!". I am currently reading an old classic "The Alchemist", which is hailed with "The Little Prince" as classics that teach us simple life lessons that have been clouded by materialistic desires in our life. Simple words, simple phrases ... nothing to truly scream "Prize winner" or "Prose", but unlike many book prize winners, I found these books profoundly moving because it touched my soul more than the flowery language that authors sometimes use to "wow" instead of move.
Do we applaud the author for managing to squeeze the most number of "dictionary browse-worthy" words in one sentence, or a paragraph that describes the ethereal ambience and things, or is the impact on our sense of our worlds more phenomenal? For me, simplicity rules. It's like speaking from the heart instead of decorating the voice. I fall victim myself sometimes, but I know that my true voice rings through when I am "stripped bare" and I certainly hope to be reminding myself to do more of this in the future.
I don't like science fiction and I am definitely not a detective/slasher novel fan, though I had read of some which still resonate in my mind when I recall good books that I have read. Starting from fairy tales, transgressing to the Secret Seven Series and Nancy Drew in my childhood and ultimately to classics like "Little Women", "Great Expectations", "Pride and Prejudice" in my teenage years and now predominantly biographies, non-fiction, contemporary or Booker and Pulitzer Prize winning material, I reflect on how my taste have been shaped by the happenings of my life.
I guess my taste in books also progressed alongside my preference for certain genre of movies as I matured, hence my DVD collection at this point screaming "No more drama. Give me comedy!". I am currently reading an old classic "The Alchemist", which is hailed with "The Little Prince" as classics that teach us simple life lessons that have been clouded by materialistic desires in our life. Simple words, simple phrases ... nothing to truly scream "Prize winner" or "Prose", but unlike many book prize winners, I found these books profoundly moving because it touched my soul more than the flowery language that authors sometimes use to "wow" instead of move.
Do we applaud the author for managing to squeeze the most number of "dictionary browse-worthy" words in one sentence, or a paragraph that describes the ethereal ambience and things, or is the impact on our sense of our worlds more phenomenal? For me, simplicity rules. It's like speaking from the heart instead of decorating the voice. I fall victim myself sometimes, but I know that my true voice rings through when I am "stripped bare" and I certainly hope to be reminding myself to do more of this in the future.
Happenings
It's been a long time. Not because of writer's blog but pure fatigue from the hectic schedule at work over the past month or so. We have also been subjected to high levels of stress because we have been given notice once again that we might have to move again. This is because the apartment that we moved to since December is once again up for sale due to the owner's inability to make the mortgage payments. Poor luck, but it could also be read positively as a sign that the universe is trying to tell us something.
This invariably impacts on our decision to buy an apartment but we have to be very careful that we do not make a rash decision because it would end up disastrous in any case. Owning a place one can call home is ultimately many people's dream, man or woman. I have found that Australians do not have a tendency to build their savings as much as Asians are educated since young to do so, hence many Australians are unable to realise their dream till later in their lives, which is a really common phenomenon. Hedonism and qualify of life ruled against than the security needs of most Asians.
Citizens in Singapore are fortunate enough for the government to realise that satisfying this need for security and dream is vital to most people which is why affordable housing weighed high on their plans and they have succeeded well. Australians on the other hand, have over the years, used mortgages as their way of forced savings. My friend read an article in the Economist that now, with the economy tapering off and slowing down, significant gains are not going to be seen through mortgages and most of the payment is for interest, rather than true savings because the property market will not be seeing any significant booms. Hence, my friend's decision is to save for ten years, and then pay cash for a piece of property, rather than be tied to a mortgage. This is just a point of view from an economist and I can totally see the validity of her point. However, I can also see the emotional need for security from John's point of view, so I guess the ultimate decision lies with what is more important for us and what will make us happy. If a house is what we need to cement our relationship by building a home because we cannot get married, then that would be the best.
Some of my friends have also claimed that it is now inevitable that my parents do not have an inkling of my sexuality and our relationship, since they support both of us buying a house together, and potentially being tied to a mortgage for thirty years. It's a softer and more rational way for them to accept us and maybe this is their way of dealing with the fact that I am gay. However, I don't think they will ease on asking the same questions, giving the same advice (on girlfriends), so that they get to deal with this to best they can, and hope that they did not fail as parents.
Ultimately, I want my parents to know that regardless of my sexuality, I am happy and that they have done a good job. I want them to share my world, my wonderful family and group of friends who give me so much love and support. I want them to be proud of who I am because I believe they should be. It's a long lesson and potentially a hard one, because I will be the teacher this time, but it will possibly happen, if and when they come and visit me again in Australia.
This invariably impacts on our decision to buy an apartment but we have to be very careful that we do not make a rash decision because it would end up disastrous in any case. Owning a place one can call home is ultimately many people's dream, man or woman. I have found that Australians do not have a tendency to build their savings as much as Asians are educated since young to do so, hence many Australians are unable to realise their dream till later in their lives, which is a really common phenomenon. Hedonism and qualify of life ruled against than the security needs of most Asians.
Citizens in Singapore are fortunate enough for the government to realise that satisfying this need for security and dream is vital to most people which is why affordable housing weighed high on their plans and they have succeeded well. Australians on the other hand, have over the years, used mortgages as their way of forced savings. My friend read an article in the Economist that now, with the economy tapering off and slowing down, significant gains are not going to be seen through mortgages and most of the payment is for interest, rather than true savings because the property market will not be seeing any significant booms. Hence, my friend's decision is to save for ten years, and then pay cash for a piece of property, rather than be tied to a mortgage. This is just a point of view from an economist and I can totally see the validity of her point. However, I can also see the emotional need for security from John's point of view, so I guess the ultimate decision lies with what is more important for us and what will make us happy. If a house is what we need to cement our relationship by building a home because we cannot get married, then that would be the best.
Some of my friends have also claimed that it is now inevitable that my parents do not have an inkling of my sexuality and our relationship, since they support both of us buying a house together, and potentially being tied to a mortgage for thirty years. It's a softer and more rational way for them to accept us and maybe this is their way of dealing with the fact that I am gay. However, I don't think they will ease on asking the same questions, giving the same advice (on girlfriends), so that they get to deal with this to best they can, and hope that they did not fail as parents.
Ultimately, I want my parents to know that regardless of my sexuality, I am happy and that they have done a good job. I want them to share my world, my wonderful family and group of friends who give me so much love and support. I want them to be proud of who I am because I believe they should be. It's a long lesson and potentially a hard one, because I will be the teacher this time, but it will possibly happen, if and when they come and visit me again in Australia.
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