Masculinity

I have recently joined a Mens' Group, which we have formed as an emotional support network for men. I don't have too much of a problem relaying my thoughts anywhere as you can tell, and my initial reaction was that it would both be a great opportunity to know my friend better and also human behaviour in the process. What I have learnt and am surprised are the masculine roles that heterosexual men have been pigeonholed into, and how these societal models have forced them into conformity and the resulting emotional stress and pain from living up to these responsibilities.

It is a rare occasion that I feel that I am more fortunate that I do not have to feel the same pressures to have to worry about the mortgage and putting food on the table, and that this is my sole responsibility because I am the man. To feel that I have to live up to this expectation and worry about exposing my vulnerability and fear to my female partner and family, this is a truly big burden to have to bear.

With John and I, we are pretty lucky that gays don't have to prescribe to the traditional man vs woman roles in our relationships. This gives us the freedom to express our joys and our fears but I am not advocating that this is true of all gay couples because there are still many that feel they need to be masculine and not reveal their emotions. However, I wonder what holds them back is their denial of their feminine side or an upbringing that just did not encourage that. The insistence of not wanting to look, sound or act gay, parts of which I prescribe to, but the emotional shutdown they impose on exposing their vulnerability, even towards their partners, is something I find a little difficult to fathom.

Is it the disappointment through past life experiences or the low trust level they embody a strong factor in this decision they make. When will men realise that it takes more courage to be vulnerable sometimes, than to be strong all the time.

We are lucky that we are both emotionally rather mature beings though I know that I hold back sometimes, not because I have a problem against vulnerability. Just because I don't always cry at movies is a not an indication, but it could be that my Asian upbringing encourages me to "keep my problems to myself". I think that vulnerability is beautiful and it can help bring people closer together and I think that this mens' group is a great outlet for them and me, to feel more comfortable playing outside the box.

I used to think that I want to be in this group to help someone and possibly find my calling, but I now know that I am gaining something from it too. Through explorations of others' experiences which can be a reflection of a past or current state of mind, I can feel myself growing and accepting myself and being more comfortable with my imperfections. It is also a great way to help build and strengthen relationships with people that mean the most to me, both within or outside the group. On top of educating them about us and what they can possibly learn from gay relationships or what I have with John, we can all help to crush and remodel the fixtures we have in our minds since our young age of five or six when we start learning values and beliefs that shape who we are today.