My Number One Indulgence

It's not everyday that one finds someone or something magical.

My 26 year "love affair" with Japanese singer Akina Nakamori (中森明菜) occurred in January 1984 via an evening newspaper (新明日报) calendar showcasing 12 young singers on that Saturday's telecast of the 1983 34th Annual Red and White Song Festival 紅白歌合戦 (held on NYE every year).

It was love at the first sight when my eyes landed on "July" and saw Akina's photo. I still remember it being one of her in a purple long sleeved blouse with a yellow headband beside a window (or something of that sort). I remembered my father watching the previous year's telecast and I fell asleep halfway, so I wondered why this captured me the way it did that day.

Being the eldest, I had the "power" to force my siblings to play the games I want to, so excitedly, I went home, spread the paper and asked them to each choose one. Interestingly, neither of us chose the same. My sister chose Yu Hayami (早見優), which is funny in hindsight because some of my friends compared her similarity in looks at a certain point in her life to Yu. My brother chose 柏原芳恵 for reasons unknown. I'd like to think it was because of her buxom appeal.

That Saturday, I sat down with Dad and watched the program from start to finish. Dad went to bed halfway but I waited and waited for Akina's performance. She was totally what I expected and not, at the same time. Underlying that sweet look was a deep voice I had never expected. She was different, in a good way.

I don't think the infatuation commenced immediately because I didn't rush out to get her cassettes or anything like that, but it did plant a seed, and when my older cousin passed me his copy of the 34届紅白歌合戦 mix-tape, there was no going back.

My infatuation with J-Pop commenced then. I had no idea what they were singing, and till today, it makes no difference. I love the infectious melodies and it was also the start of the J-Pop craze in Asia like how K-drama captured hearts a couple of years back. Everyone was wrapping their files with posters from HK magazines like Good Times (好时代) and New Times (新时代).

It was also then that I met Leslie and he jokingly blames me for his infatuation. I would like to say that though I did plant the seed, he definitely exceeded all expectations.

I come from a middle income family with a sole breadwinner. Times weren't bad, but we didn't have indulgences very often. A trip to MacDonalds was an indulgence for us. Dad worked hard and Mum did her part by taking work home to supplement the income. We were always taught to be frugal, and Mum was strict with the family budget and with us, but we were never denied anything that we truly wanted. She would tell us stories of her impoverished childhood and we loved them, even though that would mean that we would not get the new toy or something that we were going to ask for.

I can see how it was difficult for my parents financially at that time, to support us through school and made sure that we had a good life. My parents were strict, so that we would be better people when we grew up, always encouraging us to do better, all the time.

Many a times, growing up, I didn't always understand why I had to do all that. Leslie always had extra pocket money but I didn't. I was envious that he could buy anything that he desired while I had to compromise. To me, those were necessities in life, but not everyone understood. Only friends like Leslie and Terence did, but understanding didn't bring the goods.

Mum will say that the infatuation was my "downfall" because it led to my relative "ignorance" of my studies.  I never stopped my love for learning but it just transferred to another path - J-Pop instead of my textbooks. I pored over magazines at bookstores because I didn't have money to buy them. I read anything I could. I was hungry. Love is a mystery and the transition to teenage-hood is all but an easy path for me, a misfit of sorts. It was the start of my rebellious years ...

I was a pudgy boy in the early years of my teens. When others sprouted, I waited for mine which never really came. It was all just a gradual process for me. I tried sports, but didn't like it. I did it so that the "cool ones" would not tease me too much about it. I tried hard to fit in, but always felt like a fake waiting for someone to expose me.

Akina was my security blanket. Someone whom I could hide behind and be who I truly wanted to be. She created fantasies and dreams and made me believe that I can be who I want to be. Her music brought solace to my uncomfortable teenage years and inability to fit in with the general crowd. If I was termed a nerd, I might actually find another group, but I wasn't really one, so I was relatively alone. Except when I was with Leslie and Terence, who shared my passion for J-Pop.

It was also around this time when I wanted to know more about J-Pop that I finally discovered Familiar Music Library - my home and a home for many people like me. It was there that I met Zing, an influential person in my life. He opened my eyes to the world of music and taught me all I could never learn from books and magazines. He was my mentor of sorts. He was so cool to me, and he was my friend. When others in school would never cast a second eye, he lent out his hand. I don't know know what I would have done if I had not found Familiar Music Library and friends like Zing at that time. He made me believe that it was alright to have an infatuation.

This sparked the beginning of my rebellious years. I became the villain at home. Poor at studies and constantly having arguments with my Mum. I was no happy because I felt that all Mum cared about at that time was my studies, and not me. If she had shown some acceptance of my love, I wonder if my life would have turned out differently.

In hindsight, it was not really a rebellion because I didn't do too many hurtful things (at least not outside home), but myself finding my own voice within, and believing that I can love and be loved. I know I may have hurt my parents and my siblings, but I was trying to find myself, and not drown.

If I had the chance to rewrite this part of history and do it all over again, the only thing I would do is to cause my parents less pain, and the knowledge that what they truly wanted for me was to have options in my life, but I guess that is what life is all about. Learning from experiences. Falling down and getting up again.

I have spent much on J-Pop and Akina and some may say it's a waste, but the expense is nothing compared to the solace she and they provided. Akina is like a closest dear friend, always listening, singing to me my deepest thoughts (even when I have no idea what she is saying), and she's telling me "Everything is going to be alright ...".

Thank you Akina for some of the most beautiful moments of my life ... the anticipation, the exhilaration ... if only once, I can say I have truly lived.

A Final Chapter of a Decade

As I turn the pages and start the final chapter of a decade in my life, I look back at my life and am quietly thankful for all that I am blessed with.

I remember being rather annoyed when I started university at a mature age of 26, and a freshman in my class said "Wow! You're 26. Aren't you supposed to be a manager by now?". I was annoyed probably because he was correct, if measured via societal norms. Though I am still not a manager by position at work, I am confident of my level of competence and do not need titles like this and societal norms to define me.

I am the manager of my life, and I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved. What I may not have achieved in rank, status or fame, I believe I have achieved that in my relationships with people around me. I have a close network of true friends whom I know love me for who I am, because after all, what else can they stand to gain from me, except love and friendship.

This chapter is titled "Love and Relationships", because it is what dominated this decade of mine. After spending years dreaming of finding someone to share my life with, I have found the one, and am leading an honest and truthful relationship with a wonderful man. There have been times when the tidings have been tough, but these arguments helped me to open up, set new ways of communication, discard old superstitions and beliefs, and lay new foundations to build and design our relationship. Though I don't see myself still as an expert in relationships because life can always throw curl balls at you, I know what things are worth fighting for, and how I am not the only one that compromises. I get to stand in his shoes and experience what he is feeling, and that hopefully makes me a better person.

My relationship with my family has also deepened over the years. With my increased financial contribution to my family since my dad's retirement, the sense of guilt that I am not in Singapore living with them has lessened, and I feel less unfillial than I used to. My learnings from my own relationship with John has helped me to be more confident with myself and it has in turn helped me to be more vocal with my parents and my own family, which I hope has been appreciated in many ways more than one.

My only major regret is not having more time to spend with my nephew and niece who only get so little of me, and I can see them wanting more. I know that I may be a novelty because I only come back once a year and everytime they speak or see me, they get a present, but I sense that our relationship is deeper than that, and they truly love me.

As for friendships, I have been one that liked to hold onto as many friendships as possible, and trying to rekindle some older ones that have moved on, and may not care as much anymore. I know that our circle of friends get smaller as we grow older, and I am starting to realise that "Quantity is not equal to quality" and it takes effort to maintain a friendship. One person alone cannot make it happen. It may be difficult to let go, but sometimes, it may not be a bad thing. I guess this will be something that I will have to explore more of, in the future.

I have always had a desire to write but life and social media has gotten the better of me over the past year. I bought myself a notebook (non-electronic) recently, and hope that it may inspire me to start the writing juices started again. My dear friend Stephen, whom I met last year, gave me encouragement to keep writing and his words ring as inspiration every day.

So, as I start writing my life for this final chapter, I want to thank my loving family, partner John, relatives and friends, for loving me, tolerating me, and giving me the inspiration to love. Thank you.

Time goes by

People ask me why I go back to Singapore every year? Is that a real holiday?

No, not really, but these are some of the "sacrifices" I have to make for living my life in a land away from my loved ones. I cherish all the time I get to spend with my family, relatives and friends, and I think this sense of urgency allows us not to waste precious time with just "living with each other under the same roof", but actually being together because we want to.

I know there are many other countries that I would like to visit, but I also know that time with my family is precious, especially with my parents and my not so little niece and nephew. Every time I see them again, it's another year gone. I am not there to watch them grow, but I am going to make sure that they know that I will always be there for them whenever they need me, and I love them, more than they may ever know.

There will come a time when they will reach teenage-hood, and may choose not to associate with this uncle that only comes back once a year. So, I am taking my chances and strengthening the building blocks that I continue to pile on each year. This year, as my nephew turns 6 and my niece 8, I am increasingly having "adult-like conversations" that surprise me, and it only helps highlights my "agony" of not being with them more often.

I can take photos and record moments, but some of these special times are not always able to be captured at the right time, so here are some pearls that I would like to share and etch in memory. For my eternal loves, Joy and Joshua ...

Joy: Uncle James, can you please stay with us tonight?
Joshua: Yes, stay with us tonight. Sleep here.
Me: Sorry I can't because there is no room for me.
Joshua: I know. You can sleep on my bed and I can sleep on the sofa.

Me: Joshua. It's your holiday this week. Isn't that wonderful?
Joshua: Where got holiday? (Singlish - which means "What do you mean by 'holiday'?" There is still homework from Mummy everyday.

Joshua: When are you coming to Singapore again? Or are we going to visit you in Australia?
Me: Well, I believe I will visit you next year. Who knows, you may come to Sydney earlier. Do you want to come to Sydney?
Joshua: Okay. I will ask Mummy. It can be my birthday present, or I know. I can come and visit you when I earn money when I grow up.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up, Joshua?
Joshua: I want to be a policeman. No, I want to be a car driver.
Me: A car driver?
Joshua: Yes, a racing car driver. F1 racing car driver.
Me: I see. Well, that's nice to know.
Joshua: Yes. I want to win and then I can drive to Australia and see you.
Me: That's so sweet. Well, if you believe in yourself, then you will win!
Joshua: Yes, I hope so. That is why I need to practise.
Me: Practise?
Joshua: Yes, I have to practise on my remote control racing car driving. So, I will ask Mummy to buy me another remote control racing car for me this Christmas so that I can practise.

Joshua: What did you do today?
Me: I just finished work.
Joshua: How many pages did you do? (My sister gives him a number of pages of homework to complete)
Me: Uhmmmm ... 20 pages.
Joshua: Wow! (He usually gets 3 - 5 pages)
Me: Can you do 20 pages too?
Joshua: Yes, sure. But not all will be correct.

A Slice of My History

History. I discovered my love for history during my last HK trip, and though I have yet to pick up history books, I have gone off on another tangent with a desire to learn about my own history. My ancestors and who they were as individuals, rather than just a namesake.

I have listened to my mother’s stories about her childhood, stories that I see depicted in many Chinese dramas as I grew up, and I never tired of listening to them, even though they were variations of the same theme. Something new always occurred in those stories that I didn’t capture the first time round. The other times when I would hear these stories as I grew older was during my grandparent’s funerals when my uncles and aunts would openly share their own experiences, or when I visit my Aunt Constance in Tokyo, and we would lie on our beds, sharing our stories about everyone.

As the memories of our grandparents fade with every year, I am more eager to capture this, not only for my sake, but for the younger generation who never knew them. Our loving grandparents, especially my maternal grandma, whom I call the “wind beneath my wings”, whom I still miss so much every day, whom I hope I made her proud and happy. Our younger generation will never know who these people are, if we don’t share our stories.

We all hold a piece of the jigsaw puzzle and it takes all of us to present a glimmer of who they are. Circumstances can shape who we are, and these are timeless lessons of gold that we can learn from. Stories of strong, loving people who worked hard to keep the family together, building bonds of kinship which still bind us today.

Though I have always been nourished by my mother’s stories, my father’s family always remained a bit of an enigma. I had a grandmother who was a true matriarch, and I think in some ways, resembled the towering figure of an Empress Dowager. She was a modern independent woman who donned a bikini in the 40s, a photograph framed under the glass of her table next to her bed. She was definitely authoritative and for that, she could be misunderstood as being tough and not kind and understanding, like my maternal grandmother was. I believed her upbringing shaped her into who she was, like we all do, and I had so many misunderstandings of her, that it finally took my Aunt Vera (who lives in Sydney) to correct some of them.

I am only starting to learn more about her as a person and though the stories span only small significant sections of her life, they offered me a glimpse of who she is. My aunt shared her childhood and many stories about our ancestors, starting from Dad’s grandma, Tai Po, who adored Dad. We knew so little about Dad’s family history and it is such a shame. Now, with my revived relationship with my aunt, I get a chance to listen to the stories, and know who our relatives were. My history is so colourful that they seem to read like “Joy Luck Club” or even “Wild Swans”, even though I have never read the books before.

Tai Po was the second child in a family of seven children, the first six being girls and finally a son being born into the family. Her sister and her eventually married two brothers, who during the Gold rush, sailed to Chicago to seek better fortunes. In order to capitalise on the fortunes, they had to marry new wives in Chicago. During this time, Tai Po stayed back in China and worked in the fields everyday. She had a very strict mother in law, and her life is probably like those that we see in the serials, where she is forced to go back to plough the fields, not long after child-birth. She bore two children – a son whose altar we have next to hers, and Grandma.

After 16 years of living in Chicago, the two brothers decide to come back to China and fetch their wives to Chicago. I could have been US citizen. Unfortunately, Tai Po’s husband died on the boat during his trip, so Tai Po decided to leave China with her two teenage children and boarded a junk as a “slave” (working on the boat for their boat fares). Grandma was about 12 years old then. They arrived in Singapore and lived in a place like a gambling den (or those premises which lent money to people). Tai Po took on a job outside while her children worked in the den, serving food and pouring tea etc.

This is where it gets really exciting. Until then, I always thought that Dad’s uncle (Grandma’s brother) died at child-birth. How wrong was I. He was a fisherman/sailor and one fateful day, he dropped his oar in the rivers, and he dived into the waters to rescue it. Unfortunately, he was killed by a sea snake, and by the time, they fished him out, it was too late. Grandma was very attractive when she was young and she had many suitors. She was also deeply superstitious and loved to seek the advice of boh-mohs, who could revive spirits from the underworld. Perplexed by the number of suitors and who to marry, she decided to go to one, and they summoned her brother’s spirit. His advice was “Marry the man who offers something to me on a date, your dead brother”.

Well, needless to say, our grandfather was the only one that did it. I always thought Grandma was a bit weird to marry a man with two wives already and after realising the truth, I am more than a little ashamed. Our grandfather grew up in a middle class family. His mother organised a child bride, so that when they grew up, they would get married and have children. Our grandfather was a philanderer but he also had a kind heart. He never married the child bride. He married another woman and had a child during the Second World War. During an air-raid, they hid in a bomb shelter, but the baby boy couldn’t stop crying. In order not to implicate the others and alert the Japanese, his wife stepped out with her newborn baby, and unfortunately a bomb hit, and she was killed instantly by the shrapnel. The baby survived and was brought back to the child bride who opened her heart and took it in her care.

Grandma was grandfather legally binding wife and she had no idea that her husband had a child bride till she entered the house on her marriage day.

Our philandering grandfather decided to consummate his relationship with the child bride as well, which is why she bore children around the same time as Grandma. When Dad was conceived, Tai Po decided that if it was a boy, it would be offered to her dead son as his own child. Grandma agreed. When Dad was born, Tai Po doted on him immediately, and wanted him to bear the surname Chung, which is Grandma maiden name. True to her strong character, Grandma disagreed vehemently, which is why we are still named Lew.

Grandpa struck good fortune when Aunt Vera was born and apparently Grandma was tired of his philandering ways, and was more afraid to catch venereal disease. Aunt Vera said that she had many sores on her head when she was growing up, and Grandma thinks it is a sign of venereal disease. Which was why she decided to divorce grandpa a few years after third uncle was born. I think she really signified a modern woman because of her determination and her love for her children. She didn’t want any future children of hers to suffer the same fate. I think Uncle’s under-developed chest on one side could be a result of that.

Grandma led a new life then, and that is when she started wearing the bikini on the beach, to assert her new freedom. I remember looking at those photos of her, and marvelling at her courage to do so. A modern woman indeed. I didn’t learn much about her decision to marry Grandpa Soh, but I guess that could be a story for later.

Just so that you don’t think badly of my Grandpa, he was actually a good father. He doted on Aunt Vera more than Dad and she says that Dad was always a little envious/jealous of that. She always retorted that their grandma loved him more too than any one of them, so it was fair. Dad didn’t have a close relationship with his father, which is why we rarely hear about him. His father always met them at school or at the bus stop to give them pocket money, and Dad was a little jealous that Aunt Vera got more than him.

Grandpa’s good fortunes ended with his philandering ways and after Grandma left him. He worked as a bus conductor and eventually settled at the bus depot as his home in the final years of his life. Aunt Vera always tears when she recalls how he used to wait for them, and walk them to school and stories like that. You can tell that she really love and miss him. He suffered a heart attack at the bus depot and was brought to the hospital. Aunt Vera and the family visited him at the hospital, before his bus colleagues came and they left. An hour later, he suffered a massive second heart attack and died.

I pushed Dad the other day to tell me more about his history but he is reluctant, and he laughed it off, in an attempt to circumvent the topic. I tried harder but he wasn’t in the mood, so I think this will take some time but I know I will keep at it. I want his perspective of his childhood and what he thought of his parents. I want to know my Dad as a person too.

I believe it is so important to know our history, because we tend to see grandparents, parents and kids as relatives and children, but not as real people. Like us, they have an identity and I am keen to know who they are as real people. So, my task this year is to create a web platform for all of us to share our stories about our grandparents, ancestors and children, so that our younger generation will know that we went through the same human emotions and conditions as they did, and hopefully, they will cultivate some new respect for the older generation.