Xiao Xiao Gan Shang - A Little Sadness -

Everytime I come back to Singapore for a holiday, I always post myself a similar question near the end of the trip, "Will I be able to live in a country I once used to call my home?"

Somehow, I always face a similar dilemma because my visits here are always laced with days of idle, where I can do exactly as I please, and not have to go through the rigours of daily work life, like I have to back in Australia. The realization of this fact is very important in the conclusion I eventually arrive upon because life is indeed a bed of roses here, or anywhere when we are on holidays.

I count myself extremely fortunate, to be able to be loved and remembered by so many friends and family even when I have left this city 7 years ago. Everytime I return, I am always flooded with invites, and I am so touched by the sincerity and the generosity of everyone and their time.

This time, I have made many more friends, which will mean that I might be open to more invitations and gatherings in the future. This new fact makes Singapore worth returning to, but is it enough for me to consider moving back here. The answer right now and in the near future is negative because of the restrictions I can still see in my life, some of which are self imposed, and some of which are governmental, hence, uncontrollable. The fact that I left this place as a "straight" man, and hence, somehow I feel that I have to put up a show sometimes, makes me fully aware of my dishonesty and my discomfort.

I love my family very much and I thank them for all the love and gifts they showered upon me, and I am lucky that I love this family that I did not have the power to choose. As we move through in life, we form our own family, people that allow us the freedom to be ourselves, and I know that currently, only in Australia, do I have a larger and closer network of friends that I endearingly call, my family, that I can truly express myself.

I never take life and happiness for granted, so I always want to make sure that I show my gratitude , just for everyone's love and friendship. As this visit reaches its end, I am felt with a little sadness once again ... but I know that I have the wonderful memories and also the time and distance, will pave the way for another highly anticipated visit in the near future ...