Missing You

I had a dream last night ... A dream about my beloved grandma who took me under her wings, and taught me how to love, not only myself but also the rest of the world. Without her, I would not be who I am today, and I am richer, all because of her love for me.

I may have felt down because I was picked on when I was younger, by friends and then myself, but in her eyes, I was perfect and I was able to accept myself because of her love. I have spoken of her in many of my emails and even in a presentation at university, about how a book taught and gave me the courage to say "I Love You" in a "Love Letter" to her, before Fate took her away from us.

It's been long since I dreamt of her in such a vivid way. I could smell her, and feel the touch of her, and also the fabric of her sarong that she donned, as we hugged. It was a gathering that we usually have every Chinese New Year, and it was in the same house that she said Goodbye to us in. Though I don't remember her saying much or anything at all, she was happy ... and I was happy.

She was carrying some of the new additions ... my sister's and cousins' babies, and hushing them to sleep in her arms. I remember weeping with joy when I saw and held her. Those brief but real moments, I can still savour them right now as I write.

Then my cousin and my aunt decided that it was late and they would leave. I went back to the room that she and some of my other relatives were in, and I remember protesting their departure, sobbing because I knew that I would lose her once again if everyone left ...

Like the widowed daughter-in-law in one of my favourite movies, "Tokyo Story" who feels a little guilty sometimes that she does not think of her husband very often because life goes on, I feel the same way but having you in my dreams allows me to feel your presence once again.

I know you are here with me because I see shades of you in me, my actions, and the stories that I share, with whoever is willing to listen, and you will be in my heart forever. I am so lucky to have had you in my life, and you will live on and on, because of the stories I will pass on to your great-grandchildren. Dreams are a strange thing because they can feel so real sometimes, and I am happy you were there last night. Thank you. I miss you ...