One Sided Fantasy -片想い-

I am certain everyone has their fair share of infactuations and fantasies while growing up, but I wonder if homosexuals have more than the heterosexuals in this area, since in many cases, we may never be able to fulfill them.

I have had my fair share of one sided romances while I was growing up and sometimes, I create little fantasies that can seem a little too real when the other party starts playing them out as well. It all gets a little confusing and as impossible as it may sound, most of these play out during my two and a half year compulsory stint in the army. Maybe it is the closeness and artifical world that we live in then (like the reality show "Big Brother"), disconnected with the world except for about 48 hours over the weekend, where we get to resume our normal lives. It was a little disconcerting to know then that some or most of them would claim that they are heterosexual and have girlfriends outside, but somehow, the enclosed borders seem to diminish that fine line of sexuality, and they participate in actions that they will never ever think of doing.

Of course, some of them are performed under the influence of alcohol but we also see these acts of "love" amongst team mates in sports, where it is totally acceptable for themto hug or kiss each other on the field but not off. There seems to be this unspoken professional code which deems these actions acceptable at certain times.

For me, a lot of my fantasies surrounded around just having love and affection and most of the times, it is just enough for me to give and not receive. As long as the other party showed appreciation, it was the world to me. Though some became too close that we had to create a "catastrophe" to end it, others that I have one sided affections for, remain as close friends of mine, so that I can love them in a different and friendly sort of a way. I just had an interaction with a friend who brought this up, so I thought I might explore it from my own point, discovered that if we can't love them close up in that sort of a way we can, at least we can still love them from a distance. I know that I am not alone is saying that we all have friendships with people that we used to admire.

For me, Love is not all about physicality, it is more so about the connection that one has with another, which makes it univeral yet unique at the same time.