Honesty versus Kindness

What do we want in our life ... honesty or kindness. Sometimes, we are so conditioned, that our responses are automated. Before I came over to Australia, I lived in a collectivist society where kindness preceded honesty in response. It's not that we only wanted to hear sugar coated white lies, but somehow, it was much easier to accept and made life much easier.

As we grow older and sometimes gain patience in the progress, we tend to want more honesty in our lives because we realise that it is the only way to move ahead in relationships with our lovers, friends and family. I find myself at this crossroad sometimes wondering which to apply. After being in a relationship with my wonderful John, he has taught me to want more honesty. He is an advocate for total honesty but I always had my doubts. Maybe it stemmed from my childhood experiences that honesty seem to bring more hurt while I searched for a little kindness ...

I remember the criticisms from my mother about my ability and looks which made me feel rather unattractive. In her intense love for us and desire to mould us into better human beings, she was sparring with her compliments and I felt a little unwanted at times when she was cross. To make things worse, I was teased at school. I was overweight and unattractive, and since I wasn't a sports nut, I wasn't cool and "one of the guys". Their honest remarks made me feel lonely. It wasn't a nice experience and so I swore then never to make disparaging remarks about others' appearance. Thankfully, I survived knowing that there are still other misfits that I can count on.

These experiences made me stronger and realised that people who criticise others are usually the ones that are the most insecure within. They do it so that others will stay off them. They are also the most unkind, not only to others, but also to themselves. I often taught, all everyone needs is a little kindness ...

Honesty is not all bad, because after I finished my personal development course with Landmark, I confronted my mother about the remarks that she made and she was unaware that she said those things. She asked for my forgiveness and we have since become closer because of my honesty. So, honesty does bring people closer. Which brings gays and lesbians like me, to the question of "to say or not to say" in the issue of coming out. Honesty brings closeness but at the wrong time, brings hurt and sorrow. Acceptance and love takes time to nurture once again. So, is kindness the answer?

I like to think that I am honest in most of my relationships, but I am careful to practise kindness as well. After all, didn't someone say "If you don't have something nice to say about someone, then don't say anything". Looking back at my previous encounters with friends who couldn't accept the fact that I was gay, they were angry that I was dishonest, which I wasn't. I didn't lie about being straight, I just didn't admit that I was gay. I was looking after them, giving them kindness, but they wanted honesty, and then when you give them what they want, they seem to be unable to accept that as well. So, where do we go from here?

I look at open relationships where partners can knowingly "allow" their partners to have casual and sometimes even regular partners on the side, and I wonder where this issue lies with them? Do they strive for total or partial honesty in such relationships? At what point do they apply a little kindness in their honesty and tell a white lie or choose not to disclose at all. I am not only talking about homosexual relationships and sexual encounters, but the darkest secrets that partners and friends keep from others. Is there any other way to move from without hurting the other person.

I have grown older to allow constructive criticism but I know there is also a limit to acceptance. I believe in giving praise whenever I can. To cynical others, it can sound patronising, but to me, it is honest because it is kindness that can come from the heart. We could all use a bit of kindness sometimes. I guess for me, it is an ongoing journey and it applies from person to person. Honesty brings us closer and forward but kindness make the trip slower but easier. A fine balance to achieve for indeed ...