Coming Out

It is not an easy decision to come out. Even though I lead a sexually honest life in Australia, I still find it very difficult to come out to my family and friends in my motherland, Singapore.

Today, I received a email from a dear female friend, who expressed shock when she accidentally stumbled upon the truth from my blog that I am gay. My best friend came out to her and another friend earlier last year, and though he said they took it well, my conversations with them have left me feeling rather shaky. Instead of addressing his partner by the name, they seem to hide a chuckle and shake of the head at the same time while asking "Is he still with that guy?", as if expecting this to be a phase that he would step out of soon, or that he needed God's help to get through this.

I respect their Christian values and maybe it is the way they seem to perceive him now, which is why I had some reservations about coming out to them. I think the misconception that most people have is that being gay is a choice.

As far as I am concerned, the only choice I made is to be honest and live my life in Australia as a gay man. I did not choose to be gay, just like I did not choose to be born a man or Asian. If it was a choice, why would I choose to be part of a minority group that is constantly subjected to discrimination. Why wouldn't I choose what the common thing is, which is to be heterosexual and lead a "no frills" life. I love children so why should I be robbed of the same priviledge to have kids. Why can't I walk down the street with my lover tugged under my arms or openly kiss and not be afraid of the next weird glare or even an attack? Why should my love for my lover not be recognised like heterosexuals and if I die, my partner gets no recognition or any of my belongings if I do not set up a will? Why would I, in the right mind, chose to be gay?

I want to be honest to my friends but I am not lying as well. If you don't ask, I wouldn't need to tell, and then I will not be telling a lie. It is difficult for most of my Singaporean friends to accept me as a gay man because of the way I "talk about love" like no other man they know. They always say they imagine it to be some lucky woman, which I cringe when I hear it, but I am not responsible for your dreams. I am only responsible for my life.

I watched a Hong Kong - Singaporean movie "Rice Rhapsody - 海南雞飯 - " two days ago, about a Singaporean mother (played by one of my favourite actresses, Sylvia Chang), who has to deal with two gay sons, and the inevitable possibility of the youngest turning out that way too. It is quite a delightful movie and the scene where she goes to every fortune teller to find out if her youngest darling is gay too, and how to "remedy" that is hilarious, but very true, because that is what my friend was subject to when he came out.

There was one heart-renching scene when the eldest son attracts media publicity when he decides to get married to his gay lover, and Sylvia, who is lying in bed from a fall, pleads "Why do you have to let Mummy suffer so much". To me, that is heartbreaking and it sounded like it came from my own mother's mouth. If I do come out to my parents I don't want to be selfish and just expose my sexuality and let them deal with it all alone in Singapore. It would be too painful and heartless of me. I can only heal the wounds with my love and education. Until then, the perception will be linked to "What will people think and will he die of AIDS because he is gay?"

I still have a long way to go and I am always thankful for everyone who accept me for who I am, because this is the greatest gift anyone can give ... the freedom to be ... In the meantime, life will continue to be a rollercoaster ride and plenty of re-education every time I come out ... but with the courage that builds, I hope to lead an honest life on all aspects one day. I am only one, but if I can educate, then hopefully I am making a difference everyday.