My Happiness

Isn't it strange that when people learn that their friends or loved ones are gay that the first thing they offer is to "help you" get over this phase? They seem to link it with an illness or a psychological virus that they think that they can help cure us. When will they understand that we do not want your sympathy or your help, we want your understanding, respect and the freedom to be.

I have a friend who has been religious in the past, and still believes in God, but is trying to find peace within himself and his God. He wonders if all these protests that gay activists advocate is a sign that we do not accept ourselves. It can certainly be viewed as that, but on the other hand, I think it is more an education process not only for for the common folk to recognise that we are humans too, and thus also deserve respect, but also for those closeted gays to accept themselves, and be comfortable with who they are.

I have recently been confronted by a close relative about my sexuality and I decided to be honest about it, but the "interrogation" I was subjected to later, shook me quite badly. They were inquiries of ignorance, and deeply personal, some of which extended beyond what we do behind closed doors. I felt terribly uncomfortable answering them, but at the same time, I unconsciously took on the role of an educator, trying to make them understand, and that this is not what I chose to be, but who I am.

The most ridiculous parts of the conversation arrived at the "boy-girl" roles that we take on in a homosexual relationship and if I cross dressed just because I am gay. I was gob-smacked because I wasn't prepared for the latter question. I wondered then if I should laugh or cry. If there is something I learnt as I grew, it is that just because a person is effeminate does not mean that he is gay and vice versa. People tend to pick on effeminate people and call them gay related names, and thus there is a certain prejudice, even in the homosexual community, to distance away from such traits as much as possible. I have been called many such names when I was growing up, so I knew how it felt, and thus my stronger stance on projecting masculinity in public.

The other misconception that gay = AIDS is a common "myth" ignorant people hold. They are oblivious to the fact that more heterosexuals contract the deadly disease now than homosexuals. It is an illness that used to be "gay" but look at the Africans and the increasing heterosexual population suffering from AIDS. It is the information gatekeepers and people of high positions in society who "decide" who we are and what is acceptable (e.g. condoms). I am happy that they show such concern for me, but do they really know who I am or do they just assume the worst? Do they think that I roam the streets and loiter around the public toilets looking for promiscuous sex?

The recent incident in Tasmania where a gay person was rejected from donating blood to the Red Cross further highlights this "proposition". The Red Cross has a ruling that "anyone who has sex with a man within the past year is not allowed to donate blood", and it is a very good sign that we are not respected as human beings and that we are flawed. There was a comment in the papers that protested about how it is possible that a promiscuous heterosexual man is preferred over a homosexual man in a monogamous relationship when it comes to blood donation. Where is the logic here?

In their search for "my happiness", people try their best to stress on what is good for me, like choice. It is okay for me to stay a bachelor all my life but please reconsider about being gay. It's not an illness and we are not saying it is sick, but maybe you can see someone to help you cure this. You can choose to pick from both plates and get the best of both worlds, and isn't that better? Don't decide that you are gay now, Okay? Think over it ...

This encounter has shaken me and as funny as some of the comments may sound, is a process that many gay men have to go through in the process of coming out. There is no easy path and I wish there was for me because it is easier to just deny, but I took the difficult but honest path. At the end, I had to choose kindness (my two choices) because I know it also takes time, and this is all they can accept for now.

I thought it would bring me closer to them after I told the truth, but I seem a little more frightened that more "disasters" are to come, and I just want the distance. I am angry because of the misinterpretations but I have to be patient. It is my happiness that I am seeking and am responsible, and it is ironically, what they want for me as well. In their blind faith, they have mistaken my happiness for theirs, and have insisted that I conform to their ideals. Writing and discussing about it is my only asylum, so I am building strength through this further process of self discovery. If they want what is best for me, then they might want to start learning more about what it feels like for us, and to respect my life and my choice to live an honest life, and accept me just for who I am.