A home is a place we can all rest our feet, relax and be whoever we want to be. For some lucky people, their home is their birthland, where they fit in exactly with no difficulties. For the rest of us, we may travel all around the world to find a safe place we can call our home.
I remember first arriving in Australia and sensing a new change in me. A place where I can "start afresh" and build my self esteem from the ground. No dramas from history that will hold me back from being the real me. Maybe it is because I didn't choose an honest life back in Singapore and being overseas for a long period (three years at least then) allowed me the courage to explore different avenues and possiblities ... and so I did.
Now, when I go back to my birthland Singapore, with some of my older friends and the majority of my family and relatives that I am not honest about my sexuality, I feel like we just pick up from where we left it the last time we said goodbye. I don't seek out to lie, but also choose not to be totally honest, which I am entitled to. Over the past few trips, I have found myself looking for places of gay interest in Singapore, which surprisingly has increased over the years that I have not been around. There was a mixture of danger and also confusion as to why I needed to explore such places. I am not interested in the saunas but wanted to see the scene for myself, and probably justified in my mind then, that it was an adventure of island and self exploration.
Today, I had a conversation with a couple of friends, and one of them, Mark pointed out that he has found a trend where gay saunas are packed to the brim (or over) during the X'Mas season, and the reason he has for this is because we all need a sense of belonging (and they are the only gay places open then). After spending some or an amount of time with the family, we are in search of a need to reaffirm our sexuality or to be around our people, especially when we have to live "another life" when we are around them. It may sound rather ridiculous but it happens to everyone. Just imagine how happy we are sometimes when we are stranded in foreign land, and then we see something familiar that allows us to feel a sense of homeliness. It's the emotional state of belonging somewhere that is the most important to us, which is universal.
For me, making friends who know and accept me for who I am is very important in Singapore, where I have never been comfortable in the past, being who I truly am. Now, I know that when I go back, I have friends that I can sit down and let my hair down for a little while, even if it is just for that few hours, where I can feel that I am truly myself. It is not easy finding a place we can call home. Many of us have lived our lives perfecting the intepretations of non verbal communication signs from people and mastering the art of acting, so that we are not being picked on. It is a hard enough life just for us to be able to accept ourselves for who we are, and not self destruct, let alone being ostracised even further by so called societal "norms".
Australia has been very kind to me, for allowing me a chance to carve the life that I want and the connections that I have with the people around me, which have blended into an integral mix of my life. In this place I call my home, I can be myself and I am lovable, and am loved. Thank you to myself and everyone for making this possible ...
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