Finding Neverland

As friends, we sometimes play shoulders to cry on and a listening ear to show our support and appreciation. I had the chance to do that last night to my young friend who is trying to get rid/over her first love.

Looking at her and her innocent/naive ways, it reminded me of the days when I first found myself in such situations. Is it really so bad of us to expect a fairytale start and finish to the fantasy in our dream? Why is it so wrong to have expectations of our lover? How do we define our first love? Is it the first crush or the first full blown affair that we have with someone?

For me, I sometimes consider my first love to be my current relationship because it is the first time I have such intense feelings for someone which is reciprocated. Though we have been together for more than 3 years, everyday is still a learning journey for us in building the relationship that we want.

It is easy to confine our thoughts and ideals to the societal norms and want what our heterosexual "comrades" want, though for me, the idea of marriage is more about respect for both of us as individuals and recognition of our love. However, I have learnt through the years that every couple is different and it is important for us to carve the path we both want to walk on .... It is a sign of maturity and at times, I wonder if it robs me of my innocence and my dreams ... of a "perfect" relationship.

Is there such a thing as a perfect relationship? How do we start defining it? As the years go by, I know that it is about respect, communication, support and free loving. Loving and not having the expectations. Just enjoying all the joys of giving our love and being appreciated . Sometimes, when we don't show appreciation for the things we desire most, we will not get them anymore because the giver doesn't understand that we actually want more of it. So, there is also honest communication with each other but kindness has to be present. To love freely is not to suffocate because love cannot grow out of a vacuum, and both parties need to grow. Relationships are difficult things and there is plenty of work needed to live with someone and love them at the same time, but the rewards are fulfilling. As long as both parties are happy, loving and supportive, then we should be contented.

Knowing some of my friends who have grown cynical over the years with each relationship failure, I try my best to inject some sunshine into their lives, and am sometimes with a compromising smile. It's difficult to love like you have never been hurt before because no matter how we try to shake it, we will always have that little bit of baggage with us. However, closure is important for us to move on in our lives. Can we regain that bit of "innocence" and belief that we are still lovable and that we are still worthy of a lovely relationship? To me, that is still possible if we believe. If it is up to us to create the relationship that we want, then it is also up to us and our minds to believe that happiness is still possible and dreams can still come true.

I look at my friend who is heartbroken and I think of my times that I have learned to grow and accept that things will not always work out the way we want, and that most of the times, we just can't have expectations that the person will perform the way we want them to. Like us, they have their own life and path to walk. This is reality. Thankfully, I have done some personal development courses to differentiate their choices with the meaning I can allocate to their actions, and am more capable to take a step behind and look at the situation more carefully. Sometimes in our rage, confusion and frustration, we say and do things we don't mean to, and it hurts both parties, so it is sometimes good to take some time out to cool down and reconstruct our emotions. When it is a first love, it is tougher because we are less experienced and the expectations are higher, but still dreams don't have to be squashed with every failure.

John told me that my innocence will still be intact even if we grow in our relationship. Like our recent favourite movie, "Finding Neverland", it is all in believing. Today, as I reflect on my responses to my friend yesterday night, I can smile, because even though I have shared with her some of my process of growing up and my realisations, I have remained hopeful and this is my innocence alive.