Aftermath and Acceptance

John asked me the other day after I received the first phone call from my aunt after the coming out incident, "How long are you going to make her wait?"

I guess for me, I have been walking in trepedation after the incident, partly because of the embarassing questions I was subjected to, but also a loss at what the next step should be. Should I wait for them to make the next move, what can I do to make this a less painful experience? So many questions, so little suitable answers.

The conversation over the phone was short and I wondered if the real purpose was camouflaged by the actual subject we talked about. She did end the conversation with "Are you okay", sensing that I was a little tense when I picked up the phone. Maybe it was the few failed phone attempts earlier on my mobile that set me into this mood, I don't know. All I know in my heart was that I probably wasn't ready for any "new revelation".

My reply to John was two weeks ... with silent hope. I want to be able to tell her that everything is okay and I am proud of who I am, but I am fearful. I want to let her know what deep down, I have not changed, and I am still the same person fundamentally down under. She doesn't have to pigeonhole me into the gay stereotypes in her mind, because I want some of the same things as my gay compatriots but yet am different because I am who I am.

I received a letter from my friend who "caught me out" and is someone that I had also temporarily shut out of my life. I am not proud of that but I was at a loss, maybe as much as they are. The email was nice and accepting, and it gave me renewed courage to face her in the new light.

I guess we all needed time to adjust and rethink, but am aware that sometimes, time is an endless terminology. These incidents made me realise how wonderful my sister was, when I asked her how she felt after the revelation, and her reply was "I feel a little sad, but nothing has changed because after all you are still the same person and you are still my brother."

I know it is too much to ask for everyone to be able to immediately accept us for who we are, but a little kindness is always welcome. Maybe we need to anticipate their reactions and be kind and accepting as well. If we are not proud of who we are, then how can others accept us.

I know that I need to keep the communication because it is through courage and commitment that change will take place and results will occur. Courage comes from acceptance of the situation and the people involved, and each step breeds further confidence. I know that it is difficult path, but it is one that I had chosen, not to be gay but to be honest and to be proud of who I am.

I am thankful for the support I get from everyone and if there is someone out there walking the same path as I am, I hope my revelations allow you to know that you are not alone and I believe these experiences sometimes makes us stronger human beings because we learn to love each other more.