One Sided Fantasy -片想い-

I am certain everyone has their fair share of infactuations and fantasies while growing up, but I wonder if homosexuals have more than the heterosexuals in this area, since in many cases, we may never be able to fulfill them.

I have had my fair share of one sided romances while I was growing up and sometimes, I create little fantasies that can seem a little too real when the other party starts playing them out as well. It all gets a little confusing and as impossible as it may sound, most of these play out during my two and a half year compulsory stint in the army. Maybe it is the closeness and artifical world that we live in then (like the reality show "Big Brother"), disconnected with the world except for about 48 hours over the weekend, where we get to resume our normal lives. It was a little disconcerting to know then that some or most of them would claim that they are heterosexual and have girlfriends outside, but somehow, the enclosed borders seem to diminish that fine line of sexuality, and they participate in actions that they will never ever think of doing.

Of course, some of them are performed under the influence of alcohol but we also see these acts of "love" amongst team mates in sports, where it is totally acceptable for themto hug or kiss each other on the field but not off. There seems to be this unspoken professional code which deems these actions acceptable at certain times.

For me, a lot of my fantasies surrounded around just having love and affection and most of the times, it is just enough for me to give and not receive. As long as the other party showed appreciation, it was the world to me. Though some became too close that we had to create a "catastrophe" to end it, others that I have one sided affections for, remain as close friends of mine, so that I can love them in a different and friendly sort of a way. I just had an interaction with a friend who brought this up, so I thought I might explore it from my own point, discovered that if we can't love them close up in that sort of a way we can, at least we can still love them from a distance. I know that I am not alone is saying that we all have friendships with people that we used to admire.

For me, Love is not all about physicality, it is more so about the connection that one has with another, which makes it univeral yet unique at the same time.

紅白歌合戦選考曲目リスト発表 (Updated)

Akina performing "Desire" at 1986 Kohaku

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, NHK is changing the format of this years Kohaku Utagassen from the usual where they invite the most popular singers of the year to perform at the program to one where they get the fans to vote for the songs they would like to see most being performed this year.

It is an attempt to revive the flagging viewership and I think that if they manage to invite the top singers of the 70s, 80s and 90s to perform again, it will be so wonderful. I hope that they realise that Kohaku means less to the younger generation than to fans like us, who used to sit behind the idiots box waiting for our favourite singers to appear. The younger people just want to party and for older fans like us, we don't want to watch it if we don't know or like who is on the program.

Of course, fans like us are hoping to see Akina on the list, but I am also praying to see many more familiar faces than the newer ones that I can't be bothered about.

Anyway, here are the links to the websites:

http://www3.nhk.or.jp/kouhaku/

http://www3.nhk.or.jp/kouhaku/sukiuta.pdf

For those who can't read the 2nd link above like myself previously, my very kind and generous friend, Eugin, has decoded it sent it to me, and I have uploaded the zip file here. Thanks Eugin, you're always so nice!

Looking at the lists, I see so many familiar names and songs and I wonder if some of the really old singers will be able to come out and sing those old hits. Momoe and Seiko had 3 songs on the list while Akina has two, which is alright since Ayu has two only as well.

山口百恵

Surprisingly, they omitted her best selling single opting for better songs in my opinion and only one song "プレイバックPart2" was ever performed by Momoe at Kohaku:

秋桜, プレイバックPart2, いい日旅立ち

All I'm wondering about is how are they going to play these songs if people chose them? Momoe is not coming back onto stage to sing them for sure.

松田聖子

青い珊瑚礁, 赤いスイートピー, あなたに逢いたくて～Missing You～

In contrary to Momoe, Seiko has performed 2 of the 3, missing out on her most memorable hit "赤いスイートピー" in 1982.

中森明菜

Akina has two songs and both of which she performed in 1986 and 2002. I hope she performs the former because I don't like the "pant suit" concept for the latter song. It will be great to see her perform "Desire" in a kimono again.

飾りじゃないのよ涙は, Desire

The surprising entries:

悲しみがとまらない - 杏 里 (instead of Cats Eye)

春なのに - 柏原芳恵 (only 2 appearances and got nominated and 河合奈保子 who performed for 6 times did not receive a single nomination)

In my opinion, the biggest surprise, someone who has never appeared in Kohaku ...

センチメンタル・ジャーニー - 松本伊代

I think online voting starts on the 31st August and I certainly hope that this year's Kohaku will be dream come true for many of us.

JPop 歌姫 Idol Crown

I have been called many names (sometimes behind my back), but one that I am most "proud" of, is a "walking encyclopaedia" for Japanese Pop History. There is a part of me that likes to frighten my Japanese friends with my knowledge of JPop "has-beens", and it is so fun just to watch their expressive mix of dismay and nostalgia when they hear that long forgotten name.

I have an immense interest (and memory) in sales figures and discography information of Japanese pop singers (in chronological order as well for some singers), and remembered that I liked to compare the sales of the single to the song, wondering why an audience would buy this and not another. It's no wonder that I eventually found my niche in marketing because it's all about consumer behaviour.

I was more ignorant then and I isolated all other factors such as marketing and the exposure that it would gain from being a commercial or theme song for a movie/drama, which usually increases the sales for the single. My friends, perhaps not jokingly, would say that if I had a similar interest in my studies, I would do much better.

For me, I guess it all boils down to interest, and we all have an area of "specialty" that we have more knowledge and would seek out information to fulfill our further desire. Therefore, I read with much interest on a subject that Tien posted "ランキングと売上数". She said "To be crowned 歌姫/トップアイドル, what is the deciding factor? Sales? Or chart ranking? (sic)" Which is the most important. She went on to describe how her favourite idols (and mine too) did not sell very much, and came to the conclusion "Looking at the single sales of my favourite artistes, I think it's both and yet neither.... You must first hit it BIG and subsequently maintain a decent sale record.(sic)"

I started replying on her blog but then I got more excited as I started writing and it became too long, so I decided to shed a little "light on the mystery" as to why 山口百恵 (Momoe Yamaguchi), 松田聖子 (Seiko Matsuda) & 中森明菜 (Akina Nakamori) were the Queen of Jpop during their era of dominance,.

A singer's popularity is usually primarily about sales figures but there are also other factors like the likeability of the singer and the songs they cover and their newsworthiness. It is not so much about their ability to sing as we can, because there are many amateur singers who can hardly sing live, not only in the Japanese pop industry but also everywhere around the world. Momoe and Akina are much better singers than Seiko will ever be, but Seiko started a trend and even had the term "burriko" specially formulated for her because of her image (which means girls who like to act cute and younger than her age). She also has dodged many critics and have came back every single time which translates into longevity.

If we are solely looking at sales figures, which is what Tien's article was primarily about, I had the same thoughts when I first noticed the sales figures of Momoe, Seiko and Akina. Compared with the million sellers of Hikaru Utada (宇多田ヒカル) and Ayu Hamasaki (浜崎あゆみ) today, it seemed like peanuts ... but then, we have to adjust for inflation.

I don't know how you do that, but it is most important to look at the sales for that year or how long the artiste managed to stay on top. Amongst the three, Momoe's sales were the most dismal. As Tien pointed out, her best selling single was 「横須賀ストーリー」, which sold 66.1万枚 (661,000 copies). She also said that it was nothing compared to the million sellers for ピンク・レディー (Pink Lady), which had 5 million sellers. What Tien didn't notice was that, they were all in 1977 and 1978. So, we can liken ピンク・レディー to a fashion or a fad, because the Japanese are notoriously fickle with their tastes. It is true that they were the top sellers for the 70s, but if they only managed to dominate for 2 years out of a decade, and then retire in 1980, I don't think we can call them true blue idols.

Momoe on the other hand, was not only selling consistently but she was also big in movies and TV drama as well. She was definitely the top idol for the 2nd half of the 70s. Yes, there are many other people who outsell her - only two of her singles managed to hit the Year End Top 10 Sales Chart:

山口百恵 (Momoe Yamaguchi)

(a) 冬の色 - No. 10 in 1975
(b) 横須賀ストーリー - No. 8 in 1976



What Momoe didn't have in significant sales figures, she made up for it in consistency. All of her singles after her 5th single and first big hit (ひと夏の経験) hit Top 5, except しなやかに歌って (#8) & 愛染橋 (#10) and all sold more than 22.0万枚 (220,000 copies). If you look at her "fellow singers" during that era, none of them achieved this consistent result. While Pink Lady's golden era lasted for 2-3 years, Momoe had 6 years, which was why she was the Top Idol for the 70s. Moreover, she retired at the right time, and people miss her more than they think they would, so she is a legend now.

As for Seiko and Akina, they did not sell as well as the singers of today, but they were "unlucky" because the 80s were probably the lowest selling singles of all time. One has to view the economic history of Japan to be able to decipher why this trend occurred.

松田聖子 (Seiko Matsuda)

Seiko's singles constantly hit the No. 1 spot (24 consistent No. 1s - a record until B'z broke it), but like Momoe, only a handful hit the Year End Top 10:

(1) チェリーブラッサム - No.9 in 1981
(2) ガラスの林檎／SWEET MEMORIES - No.7 in 1983
(3) Rock'n Rouge - No.3 in 1984
(4) 天使のウィンク - No.10 in 1985

Most of her singles were in the 11th to 20th position.



She had better luck with her albums. On total sales for artistes for the year, she managed to top all year for 1984 (could be the only year). She dominated during the early 80s and then moved on to have a healthy career and is still going relatively well now.

中森明菜 (Akina Nakamori)

In contrast, Akina achieved much more. Firstly, she is still the only singer to top the total sales of the year for 4 years - 1983, 85-87 (I think Ayu holds the 2nd position for 3 years together with 松任谷由実 Yuming). Secondly, her singles constantly feature in the Year End Top 10.

1983

セカンド・ラブ (No. 8)



Although only セカンド・ラブ (Second Love) was in the Top 10, her other 3 singles 1/2の神話, トワイライト～夕暮れ便り～ & 禁区 all landed in the Year End Top 20. Akina was the best selling artiste for 1983, accounting for 4% of all music sold in that year.

1984

十戒（1984）(No.6)
北ウイング (No.9)
サザン・ウインド (No.10)



She followed this incredible feat with another 3 singles in 1985 in the Top 10

1985

ミ・アモーレ (No.2)
飾りじゃないのよ涙は (No.6)
SAND BEIGE -砂漠へ- (No.7)



1986

DESIRE -情熱- (No. 2)
ジプシー・クイーン (No 7)



NB: "Fin" was No. 17 that year but it had only sold about 80% of its eventual sale at the cut off date for this calculation.



1987

TANGO NOIR (No 2)
難破船 (No. 6)
Blonde (No. 7)


She didn't do so well in 1988, but "Tattoo" and "Al Mauj" were 11th and 12th for the year.



1990

Dear Friend (No 6 in 1990).



No other artiste has been able to emulate the success that Akina has and that is why she was the Top Pop Idol for the mid-late 80s while Seiko dominated the First Half the 80s till Akina came along. If you look at Ayu’s sales, they might be high, but she did not dominate and captivate like the other 3 did. She had 1 single each hit the Year End Top 10 in 1999-2000, 2 singles in 2001-2 and 1 single for 2003. Utada Hikaru has 2 Top 10 in 1999, 1 in 2000, 3 singles in 2001 and 1 each in 2002-3. I'm not so interested in these 2 singers, so I will not bother to list the names but you can look at this website.

So, if we look at the impact the singer has on the audience for the year, we can see that Akina was immensely popular during her heydays. She also strived for individuality and difference from the other singers, which was why she was able to stand out from the rest and dominate the sales like that. So, I hope this helps to answer some of your questions and to anyone who wonder why we are who we are now ... crazy over Akina ...

Most of the statistics can be viewed on this website. The rest are from memory.

Honesty versus Kindness

What do we want in our life ... honesty or kindness. Sometimes, we are so conditioned, that our responses are automated. Before I came over to Australia, I lived in a collectivist society where kindness preceded honesty in response. It's not that we only wanted to hear sugar coated white lies, but somehow, it was much easier to accept and made life much easier.

As we grow older and sometimes gain patience in the progress, we tend to want more honesty in our lives because we realise that it is the only way to move ahead in relationships with our lovers, friends and family. I find myself at this crossroad sometimes wondering which to apply. After being in a relationship with my wonderful John, he has taught me to want more honesty. He is an advocate for total honesty but I always had my doubts. Maybe it stemmed from my childhood experiences that honesty seem to bring more hurt while I searched for a little kindness ...

I remember the criticisms from my mother about my ability and looks which made me feel rather unattractive. In her intense love for us and desire to mould us into better human beings, she was sparring with her compliments and I felt a little unwanted at times when she was cross. To make things worse, I was teased at school. I was overweight and unattractive, and since I wasn't a sports nut, I wasn't cool and "one of the guys". Their honest remarks made me feel lonely. It wasn't a nice experience and so I swore then never to make disparaging remarks about others' appearance. Thankfully, I survived knowing that there are still other misfits that I can count on.

These experiences made me stronger and realised that people who criticise others are usually the ones that are the most insecure within. They do it so that others will stay off them. They are also the most unkind, not only to others, but also to themselves. I often taught, all everyone needs is a little kindness ...

Honesty is not all bad, because after I finished my personal development course with Landmark, I confronted my mother about the remarks that she made and she was unaware that she said those things. She asked for my forgiveness and we have since become closer because of my honesty. So, honesty does bring people closer. Which brings gays and lesbians like me, to the question of "to say or not to say" in the issue of coming out. Honesty brings closeness but at the wrong time, brings hurt and sorrow. Acceptance and love takes time to nurture once again. So, is kindness the answer?

I like to think that I am honest in most of my relationships, but I am careful to practise kindness as well. After all, didn't someone say "If you don't have something nice to say about someone, then don't say anything". Looking back at my previous encounters with friends who couldn't accept the fact that I was gay, they were angry that I was dishonest, which I wasn't. I didn't lie about being straight, I just didn't admit that I was gay. I was looking after them, giving them kindness, but they wanted honesty, and then when you give them what they want, they seem to be unable to accept that as well. So, where do we go from here?

I look at open relationships where partners can knowingly "allow" their partners to have casual and sometimes even regular partners on the side, and I wonder where this issue lies with them? Do they strive for total or partial honesty in such relationships? At what point do they apply a little kindness in their honesty and tell a white lie or choose not to disclose at all. I am not only talking about homosexual relationships and sexual encounters, but the darkest secrets that partners and friends keep from others. Is there any other way to move from without hurting the other person.

I have grown older to allow constructive criticism but I know there is also a limit to acceptance. I believe in giving praise whenever I can. To cynical others, it can sound patronising, but to me, it is honest because it is kindness that can come from the heart. We could all use a bit of kindness sometimes. I guess for me, it is an ongoing journey and it applies from person to person. Honesty brings us closer and forward but kindness make the trip slower but easier. A fine balance to achieve for indeed ...

Review: 中森明菜 - Akina Nakamori Special Live 2005 Empress at CLUB eX -

I am now in my second and last leg of my unplanned Winter holiday, in cloudy Singapore. My experience in Tokyo has been another memorable one but made more special because of my 21 year dream come true of finally seeing Akina live.

It is an experience that is inexplicably exhilarating, and it was more than I could ever bargain for. I was relatively relaxed on the day but I started experiencing the jitters when I was outside Club eX and looking at all the fans gathering outside, waiting to enter the small concert hall. It was the 16th July (Sat) and I paced around, waiting for the others to arrive. I took out my camera and started taking photos of the venue and the fans. Most of them were around my age group and more (40s, 50s and even 60s), and like what Daniel had speculated, many of them were gay. There was even a lady carrying a walking stick with her family and it is so nice to see that Akina has a wide appeal for almost all age groups.

We arranged to meet around 9-9.15 pm for the 9.30 pm session and as the guys were a little late, I did my wandering and photo-taking till they arrived. They were still selling some last minute tickets (the final 2 performances were sold out) and also her CDs, DVDs and some concert special items. We were later escorted and examined for cameras in our bags, but I managed to hide mine in my pocket without them noticing.

The concert started with a two man band playing a drummed up version of 私は風 from the Utahime I album. It is not one of my favourite songs but Akina did quite a good job of it. She walked through the curtain, onto the runway, and then to the seat in the middle of the round stage, to cheers from the crowd. Tien said that since it was a rather special and upper class concert, not many fans chose to wolf whistle or scream, like they would do in most other concert halls.

I felt a lump in my throat when she sang the first few verses, but since our seats were on the 5th row (last row) and her back was facing us, I didn't feel the nerves that John told me I would experience when he watched Barbra Streisand for the first time. She proceeded on to sing more songs and explained the origins of the songs (as in why she picked them). I enjoyed my first concert of hers and though her voice was rather hoarse, she managed to project it well. However, one could tell that she was holding back, because there were two more final performances the next day and I was going to the final performance at 9.30 pm.



On the 17th (Sun), I brought my aunt, who is blind, to the concert and I will never regret doing that. She is not a fan of Akina and the only song that she has heard of Akina's was "Desire" in 1986, when she first arrived. We attracted quite a few stares from other fans when I escorted her to the front row this time. I was naturally very delighted to have such wonderful seats. When Akina appeared this time, it was to wild cheers. The crowd was ready for a great time because we all knew there would be no going back, and were we in for a treat. Akina sang so beautifully I had goosebumps on most of the songs. I also wolf-whistled and screamed my "tits" off because it is the only time Akina will hear me scream "Akina"!! I can do it at home too but it will not be the same!

Here is the song list and my review:

(1) 私は風 - She really projected her voice so well on the final performance night. She showcased her singing prowess and she hit all the high notes so well. Kakoii!! Even my aunt who dislikes rock songs cheered on wildly, as did all of the fans.

(2) 傘がない - Another chilling rendition

－MC－ This is where Akina said Hi to all and explains the origins of the songs. For the first night, it was relatively quiet and routine talk but we had a transvestite sit right in front of Akina and she was wonderful in interacting with Akina. My aunt also shouted a few times that she was pretty and wonderful. Akina acknowledged her with Thanks. Akina explained that she usually gets quite anxious during concerts, so the fans (and my aunt) included shouted that she was great to make her feel more at home.

(3) 別れの予感 - The stage rotates during this song and I get to see Akina face-on. It is an unforgettable moment.

(4) アデュー - Not one of my favourite songs but she performed it better than the album cut.

(5) 踊り子 - I preferred the album's arrangement to this, but Akina sang it in a jazzy manner which was refreshing.

－MC－Another round of interaction with fans. Again the transvestite and my aunt did the lion's share of chatting with Akina. Akina said that she felt that time passed very slowly when she had to perform the 11 days straight but now that she was on the final night, she felt a little sad and lonely. We all screamed that we were too, and she kept prompting all of us to say "Sabishii" with the gentle movement of "come on" with her wrist and then she added in the coolest fashion "Then, please come and see the dinner show" to raptuous laughter from all". She showed off her quick wit and there was great laughter from the interaction with the transvestite.

Then came the moment I will never forget. My aunt shouted that we were fans from Singapore who had come specially to see her concert. She turned around, faced us, said "Thanks" and then waved to us. I waved back and then I froze there. It was such a special moment that I could have died. The guys congratulated me later and said that I would probably not be able to sleep tonight, which I managed, but with the greatest smile ...

(6) 接吻 Originally by オリジナル・ラヴ (Original Love) - A new song for Akina. The guys didn't like it, but Akina and I did. It's not an outstanding track but it had a sweet melody and I liked it.

(7) アサイラム - The first non cover song. It was from Akina's 6th album "Anniversary" and chosen because it was "summery". All fans sang along and swayed. My aunt and I shouted "We love you too" at the end.

(8) サザン・ウィンド - The first single song with a Bossa Nova remix. Akina explained that this was a mature treatment of the song and she flirted with the entire audience with many sexy poses throughout.

－MC－During this chat, Akina imitated the tranvestite to wild laughter and applause and she said that she was enjoying herself so much, which was what she wanted to achieve with this smaller series of concerts. She also said that it was good to be able to finally place a face to the name and the voice. Love her for that!!!

(9) 窓 - I liked the album version better than this remix, but Akina sang well.

(10) リバーサイド･ホテル 井上陽水 - Another special new song for the concert. It is obvious that Akina loves this song and it shows. It is the best performance of the second evening.

(11) 飾りじゃないのよ涙は - Another favourite of Akina's. During the first evening, she left halfway through the song, and when she came back, the song was over. She asked why didn't the audience sing along like in karaoke because that was her purpose. She then resung the whole song, which was her best performance of the first night that I watched. It was also interesting to notice that there were a few fans who dressed up like her during her latest Kohaku performance in 2002. There are some rumors that since NHK is going to change this year's Kohaku to one that features "famous songs of the past", the fans are debating if she will be invited again this year.

- MC - It was during this that the best news for a long time arrived for Akina's fans. The transvestite commented that Akina's version of "Riverside Hotel" (song 10) was better than the original singer, to which Akina quickly hushed her, saying that we had better not let him hear that because he is currently writing her a new song. It looks like it was a slip of the tongue and there is no current date as to when it will be ready but we will all be eagerly anticipating. Finally, someone famous writing for her again, and we have more confidence if it does fulfill, it has more potential to create publicity and be a hit!

(12) 赤い花 - Her newest single She is famous for crouching down to the floor, climb up the chair (like she did on the 16th) or lie on the floor when singing this difficult song because the chorus doesn 't allow much room for breathing. She paced herself so well the last night, it was one of her greatest performances ever for this song.

After she finished the last song, she rushed off the stage, ready to take her bow and bid goodbye to all, like she did on the 16th, but then something happened. In the dark, I saw a shadow jump onto the stage, and I initially thought it was security, but it turned out to be a crazy fan. The fan he sat next to said he noticed him shivering during her final number, and he just jumped through the barricades onto the stage. He had no intentions of hurting her because he paused when she turned around, and he seemed to want to shake her hand, but the security got to him. He started pushing, kicking, shoving and then punching. Akina kept her cool while watching and at one point, when he was pushed off the stage, looked concerned for the fan's welfare. She was then quickly ushered backstage.

We were all dumbfounded and we felt robbed because no matter how much we cheered, and it was for about 10 minutes or so, she never came back onto the stage. Some fans were seen sobbing and we all left to gather again outside to sing praises and lament about the lost encore.

It was a night to remember, even for my aunt who was not a fan. I could tell that she was impressed and I was happy that she had given me the best present ... a wave from Akina, specially for me ... what more can one ask for.

I would also like to once again thank Eugin and John for making this possible. Thank you for making my wildest dream come true. Hope to see you again soon, Akina (I know I will) and thank you for the best memories ...

Happy Birthday

Firstly, I would like to take this opportunity to wish Eugin a very Happy Birthday. I am sorry I didn't know it was your birthday earlier or I would have send you my best wishes on the exact day but I am happy to know that you received many lovely presents. They are a reflection of who you are to all of us, and you certainly deserve the best for your grand generosity.

I am so happy to be able to call you my friend because my life would certainly have been a lot poorer if not for your friendship, and I would not have been able to fulfill this wonderful dream of seeing Akina live if not for you. Thank you and may you have a most wonderful year ahead!! Now that I'm back, we have to catch up soon and make it up!!

Tokyo Dream

I didn't think it would happen so soon, but I am visiting Tokyo again for the 3rd time. My last visit was more than 7 years ago in 1998, so this will be another nostalgic trip. I am certain that many changes would have surfaced, but my love for Tokyo will always be there.

There are times when I walk past a street or a scent anywhere around the world, and it would remind me of my days in Tokyo, as short as they were, infinitely memorable. As I renew my love affair with Tokyo tomorrow morning at 7.30 am, I am looking into a possible future of "Nothing is impossible". Afterall, this is still an "unbelievable" dream come true.

I will try my best to update this blog with my happenings in Tokyo and I do hope to hear from anyone. Take Care and wish me luck ...

Sad Day

It is a sad day when innocent people are killed in accidents and I always pray that they and their loved ones have had the oppotunity to express their love for each other before the horrific accidents. My sympathy goes out to all of those who lost their loved ones in this terrible accident.

It is easy to condemn the actions of these extremists and point the finger without trying to understand why they would want to do something like this or kill themselves to "save the rest of mankind", just like how if something is missing in the house, the maid or the guest would be the first suspect, but is it fair to jump to such conclusions?

These bombings have timed themselves with the G8 meetings and is widely viewed as a protest to globalisation. Globalisation, while being kind to the richer and developed countries, has created a widening gap between themselves and the poorer countries, plunging many underdeveloped countries into further poverty. As we continue to use our computers and our iPods and live our days without much worry for the next day, people in improverished countries struggle just to find enough food for the next meal. It is easy for us to dismiss these actions and cry helplessness, but poverty and helplessness sometimes drive people into actions that are deemed "insane" by us. If you were hungry and helpless all the time and have to suffer under the "reins" of the richer, wouldn't you have feelings of contempt as well.

It is almost similar to being the unpopular kid being picked at in school and personally, I know how it feels. There comes a time when the nerd retaliates, sometimes in a group, sometimes as themselves. If they don't harm themselves (sometimes by suicide or mass suicide, or by simple self hate or lowering of self esteem), they harm others. We've seen it in the movies, we've seen it in real life. When we learn the stories behind the actions, do we pity they bully or do we sympathise with the nerd?

I am not supporting these barbaric actions. On the contrary, I condemn the act of killing, for any reason. However, I think we need to be fair and try to understand how we can stop this violent attacks. We have invaded Iraq, captured the leader, but killed millions in the process of doing so, and many more are still dying every day. Violence breeds violence ... I just want to know when will we learn that violence does not solve problems.

If we do not understand the fundamentals of the problem, how can we solve them? With the current world leaders and media control, it is unlikely that we will be casting a compassionate eye. What we will be seeing will be the images of inoncent people dying, but not of those in the countries that we invade, but of those that will support their case for further violence.

The world is going on a downward spiral and is currently having its breakdowns. I wonder if we will all still be around eventually when we hit rock bottom for the breakthrough to eventually occur ...

Fly Me To Love

There is something deliciously dangerous about making an impulsive decision, like travelling to Tokyo to see a concert in less than 2 weeks. It is a sudden rush of excitement that can hardly be described as rational, but it is so nice to receive so much support for making this decision.

The nicest compliments have been that I deserve this for the love I put out there and I am truly flattered, though the rational side of me nags about the frequency that I have holidays (especially after some of the conversations I had with the people that I work with). I don't know if it is jealously or a plain complaint that I seem to idle around, but if they wore my shoes for one day at work, they will understand my need for re-energizing at various intervals.

I have told myself today that I am going to leave the sadness (and hopefully the sickness too) behind and bask in the glory of this seemingly impossible decision. I am going to Tokyo in about 1 week to see my favourite idol and it is a 22 year dream come true. I am very lucky to have an aunt living there who will probably be there only till early next year and it will be another trip down memory lane for us. We had a little laugh last night just reminiscing about my first trip to Tokyo.

I remembered making the excited decision only to be partly dampened when I heard my beloved grandma say that my aunt wanted me to bring 100 rice dumplings to Tokyo for her. Before you start screaming or squealing in fright or delight, my grandma is a Nonya woman (half Malay, half Chinese), and the rice dumplings that she makes are smaller than the pyramid types that are more common. Still, a hundred sounded really daunting, but I was so excited that I said "Yes, anything is possible." When I arrived to collect the dumplings the day before I left, I was told that she only packed 50 in the bag and another 50 of the more common pyramid dumplings becuse my uncle said those were nicer. She had made more than 100 and was giving the rest away.

My mother tasted both and said that my grandma's were definitely better, so we changed the ratio to 70 or 80 of hers and 20 of the pyramid dumplings. There was a myth then that we had to wrap them up as presents, because the Japanese customs did not permit food, so we placed them in boxes and then wrapped them up in beautiful paper. I eventually left for a 10 day trip with 4 pieces of luggage. When we realised we could only check in 2 pieces of luggage (due to weight), I had to carry my backpack, and one of the big bags containing half of the rice dumplings. It was easily over 30 kgs and I tried my best to act cute and innocent so that they would allow me to carry such big bags into the cabin. I was very lucky because after various attempts to fit it into the overhead compartment, we gave up and the stewardess placed it in one of her compartments.

When I arrived at the airport and went through customs, I was stopped by a Japanese customs officer who wanted me to open 2 of my bags. Thank God the rice dumplings bag was not opened. He took out the items one by one, many containing tidbits like peanuts, biscuits and stuff like that, and stopped at one. He shook it, and then asked "Okashi?" (Tidbits?) I knew a little Japanese then, but somehow in my state of excitement and fear, forgot what it meant, but I knew I couldn't say food. So, I quickly replied "No, rocks ... stones ... rocks", hoping he would understand what I meant. He did but he shaked it a little more and then put it back into the bag. I heaved a sigh of relief because I thought he was so kind. It was a pack of groundnuts, so it was too light to be rocks/stones, but he probably thought the language barrier was too great to bridge and I looked too innocent then to carry drugs, so he let me go.

The big laugh occurred when I reached Shinagawa Prince Hotel, which is where Akina is holding her concert this year. After I alighted the bus to the delight of my aunt and Leslie, who was studying there then, they were suprised to see that I had so much luggage. I told my aunt that grandma said you wanted 100 rice dumplings and she nearly fell over. She felt so bad because she had only said 10 or something like that, but out of my grandma's love and longing for her, she made it up to be a hundred.

So, this is the story of my first trip to Tokyo. This new trip holds promises of many new adventures and the strengthening of my friendships with Tien, Eugin, Danny and Joy. It will also mark the end of a chapter of my travels with my aunt in Tokyo since she will migrate to London next year. I will miss the times but I am keeping them all in my mind, heart and sharing them with all of you here.

An additional bonus will be that I will be stopping over in Singapore on my way back for 4 days, so that I get to see my lovely family again, whom I do miss a great deal. Unlike some of you, I can't just stroll up to my parents' place anytime I want, and though I like the distance, I understand the longing we have for each other, and I will always take any opportunity I have to show them the love back.

So, wish me luck and lots of fun. I will still be updating this site before and after I leave for Tokyo. If you have any suggestions about where to go in Tokyo or what I should do, please leave some comments and I will try my best to experience them.

Dream Come True? - 東京へ いきますか-

Caption: Akina during rehearsal. Is that her with short hair again? I prefer her with longer hair.

One of the greatest gifts that someone can give me has materialised. Up till now, it still seems and feels like a dream because there is almost a possibility that I will be going to Tokyo to watch Akina's concert in 2 weeks after all. I had not entertained the thought previously because of tight finances and the possibility of a Europe trip this year, but I have just been offered a free ticket on the final night of her concert and it was too good an offer not to take up.

I have been in a dilemma for most of the morning because I didn't want to disappoint John because he was looking forward to touring Europe and the other thing is that, the day of the concert is actually the day that Julian is leaving. I was actually giving myself the guilt that I envisioned my parents giving me for forsaking him on his last day in Australia for some time, but I felt better after speaking to him, and he gave me his blessings and told me that he wanted me to go, which I am very touched.

John has been so wonderful, telling me that he would be disappointed if I didn't give myself this pleasure and it would have been wonderful to visit Tokyo with him, but he will be working that weekend, so it is impossible. He also told me not to feel guilty because the measure of my love for my brother is not just measured by this one single day.

So, I am allowing myself this joy and doing little jumps, kicks, screams and sharing this wonderful news with all my friends because it has been a 22 year dream to see Akina live. So, Thank you Eugin for pressing me on into fulfilling my dream.

Coincidentally, all my trips to Tokyo have been very impromptu. The first in 1994 was an offer from a friend who won a ticket to Tokyo but wanted to sell it for S$400 and I grabbed it. The second in 1998 was an offer from my aunt who lives in Tokyo (till Spring next year) who wanted someone to accompany her to Seoul from Tokyo, and now this ...

This will probably be my shortest but my most expensive trip to Tokyo (A A$1400 return flight is considered cheap here in Australia) and I hope that my destiny with Tokyo will expand beyond because there are still so many places in Japan I want to explore, but I guess for now, a concert with Akina will have to do, and it is positively, one of the best things that has happened to me ...