Birth Order and Destiny

One of the best things about dinner parties is the knowledge that we can pick up from conversations. One of our closest friends, Sophie, who is a psychologist, spoke about how our characteristics could be linked to our birth orders (the position that we are born in our family). After she explained what it was, we all exclaimed that we can see parallels in our lives, just like she has with hers, and I would like to share this interesting observations with you.

The following is an extract from "How Children Grow Up: Breaking the Cycle of Family Dysfunction" by Timothy J. Zwart, Ed.D. and also some additions from Sophie.

The children in the dysfunctional system typically assume one of four roles: the hero, the scapegoat, the forgotten child, and the mascot.

First Child: The Hero

The two identifying marks of the hero are over-achievement and caretaking. Hunger for love, recognition, and control motivate their behavior. Heroes often become the emotional caretaker of the family.

These "little adults" are at risk of never growing up emotionally. Adults who continue the hero role often develop a compulsive drive for perfection and control. They are prone to workaholic behavior and stress-related illnesses. They will likely find someone to "save"--recreating dysfunctional relationships. The intergenerational cycle continues as the child hero becomes the "adult" enabler.

Sophie: They hold the flag for the family, lead the way, break boundaries etc. The Hero is generally claimed by the father.

Second Child: The Scapegoat.

The scapegoat often displays delinquent, defiant, and underachieving behavior. This role serves an important function to the family since these behaviors remove the focus from the parental dysfunction. As adults, the scapegoat's pattern of irresponsibility, addictions, self-destructiveness, and impulsive behavior often continues. Scapegoats often find a hero to take care of them.

Sophie: The Scapegoat can't compete with the Hero position, so will often become the 'bad' one in order to gain attention. The Scapegoat is claimed by the mother, and quite often that relationship is either very enmeshed and overly close, or alternatively it can be highly conflictual.

Third Child: The Forgotten Child

To escape the tensions and confusion of the dysfunctional system, forgotten children remain shy and introverted. They prefer to stay alone and solitary. To compensate for their loneliness, they often develop a rich and active fantasy life. As adults, these individuals remain socially isolated and may seem peculiar.

Sophie: This child appears to have absented themselves from the family drama, and often spends a lot of time away from the family orreading or studying. Although the Lost Child appears to be disinterested in the family dynamics, it does in fact watch very, very carefully to keep an eye onwhat's happening.

Fourth Child: The Mascot

The last common role is the mascot. Mascots learn to use humor and pranks to get attention. The mascot represents a source of fun and levity in an otherwise tense environment. Unfortunately, many mascots never grow up. As adults, they remain quite immature and dependent, craving the limelight and unable to handle stress and disappointment.

Sophie: This child takes on the role of entertaining the family and distracting from the family drama. They may do this by being the family joker, or they may be very dramatic or troublesome or sick.

There is a marked contrast between these characteristics and rigid roles and the healthy family. In a healthier system, there are flexible roles and flexible rules which allow change and growth. For example, a healthy system will not scapegoat one member. And rules that might have been appropriate for a young child will be renegotiated as the child becomes a teenager.

Sophie: The roles then repeat with subsequent births and if any sibling steps out of their designated roles (e.g. the Hero decides to drop out of his successful job and being the family mediator) then another child willhave to step up into that role, whilst still needing to enact their rightful sibling position role too!! Also, miscarriages and abortions also need to beincluded when determining the sibling position.

This is fascinating to me because there is so much there about life and psychology that I would like to learn about and though there are some similarities in my family, no one fitted the model to a T, maybe because my family is not as dysfunctional as those that the research is based on. I wanted to share because this may offer some insights into your own life and it does say that you can control destiny ... but only if you are aware.