I believe I have mentioned it before that I am currently in a Mens' Group. It was set up as an avenue for men in safe (confidential) environment to discuss freely about the matters of their hearts. Initially I thought that I wouldn't have too much need for this because I pour out my heart on my blog and my friends, but recently, I found that I am really enjoying it because we are exploring deeper into who we are as human beings, which are really interesting topics.
One of the most interesting points that stayed with me previously was that "It is always easier to talk about someone else than us". I think part of this is because I have been brought up to think that I would be too conceited if I just blabbered about myself incessantly all the time, and rarely in daily conversations, do we explore the myriad of feelings and emotions that we experience with various incidents. It is always easier to just describe the events and ignore the impact on us when it is obviously what caused us to talk about it in the first place. It is easier to curse the situation, person than share our experience and effects because it does not make for interesting gossip for most people. It helps to connect people but we are more used to conventional water cooler topics than revelations that could move. Are we just more shallow when it comes to having such conversations with friends or do we just not try hard enough?
I am lucky to have friends outside the Mens' group that I can do so, but I am also acutely aware that not everyone might be comfortable sharing such intimate information, but are we ready for it when someone takes the first step? Would this world be a more beautiful place if we share our real selves and everyone listened without prejudice and judgment, like in these artificial environment nurtured by the groups.
Another fascinating discovery over our last meeting for me was "When in a relationship, when it is okay to put ourselves in the first place?". Being the only gay man in the group, I think I don't have to feel like I am the breadwinner or the protector of the relationship, but I was seriously thinking about how many of us, including myself, do not put ourselves in the first place. I don't know if it is my insecurity that if I don't constantly give, that I will not receive the love back, or just that because the true joys is more in the giving, that I always believe in putting myself below other's needs most of the time. But if I don't, I am reminded that the world will not collapse and I will not die.
One important thing that came to mind is my determination to visit my family and spend at least two weeks with them a year because of their love for me. It is their love for me that allows me to stay in Sydney and this is one of the only ways I can repay them for their generosity. Since we only have about a month's leave a year, this does not afford me another opportunity for another long holiday with John both financially and time wise. One of the other things that someone shared reminded me that John and I have a family of our own and our little traditions that we will plan and live, and it is sometimes that I have not given too much thought of in the past, but I thought completely true and sweet.
It is the second time I heard that "I will not die if I don't go to Singapore for one year", which is true but the fact is that I do miss my family terribly and thankfully, John is totally empathetic. He told me that he wouldn't like to imagine being able to see his Mum only once or twice a year. However, I am acutely aware of our own need for a holiday, so I sometimes struggle to strike a balance to keep everyone happy. But am I?
I love my family and I love John very much. It isn't easy but I guess I have to find better ways to strike this balance and how I can do this both because as much as I would love to travel, would someone understand the pain of not being able to see and share their love with their families as often as possible? I can only do what I can, but I am happy when everyone is, and the price of seeing my family happy makes my yearly visit to Singapore fruitful. That said, I would like to give this new hypothesis a try by visiting Paris and parts of Europe with John next year.
A final issue that emerged, which John has constantly reminded me and was brought up, was my relationship with my father. My father is not the typical Asian father one would associate with. Growing up with a father who practised polygamy, he never had a 24 hour full time dad that he could live with. He had to share him with two other families and many other foster siblings. I can't expand more because he is fiercely private about his childhood, and hasn't shared much as compared to my mother, so I only knew snippets from my Mum or aunt. His views on fatherhood was probably shaped by his own experience, and hence he set out to be the best father he can be, and he has succeeded. Instead of taking a cold authoritarian approach, he was kind but firm, and never shied away from displaying affection, like kisses or hugs whenever he can.
He helped us in all our decisions (and probably made most of them - Ha! Ha!), and I know I am admired by some of my friends for having such a loving and dutiful father. I have learnt to appreciate his love more as I grow older because he has proved to be a very positive role model but transition from father to friend has been a little tougher. It isn't easy all the time when he has told us before that we will always be his little children no matter how old we are. I don't think this is a reflection that he wants to be the patriarch, but that he will always want to provide us with whatever we lack in life, and be a parent and friend at the same time (which is what he told us when we were young), but I noticed that we seem to have difficulties in discussing about certain life issues like adults, because I don't think he sees me as one sometimes.
John laments that our conversations are relegated to the "Yes-No" simplicity and he constantly reminds me of our short time on Earth, but I find it difficult to break the mould over the phone. Listening to one of my friends who is a father himself to six grown children, he says that he yearns for his children to know him, not as a father, but also as a contributor to this world, a human being in all. I am most inspired by this and know that I will seek to learn about my own father in my next visit. I am also eager to explore deeper relationships with my closer ones in my life as I get more comfortable in my own skin. I have known for a long time that we have to be open before we can move others to open to us as well, but I have never really done too much of that with my own family. I think my family would like to know me as a person and I think they should be proud of who I am.
I know now that it is not conceit but vital for me to talk about myself sometimes, and for me to place myself and my needs first because then I will be a more balanced human being. In being so, I am possibly open up new windows within myself that may delight others in the process as well.
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