Pray

Please pray for us. I'm not a religious person but I believe that there is a higher being, like God, but my God is impartial and listens to everyone. So, I was hoping that you can reach that God of yours and help us say a little prayer.

I don't know if you are aware, but John and I moved into our current apartment in December and signed a six month lease in hope that we would find our dream home to own. Unfortunately, fate has been a little unkind. Not only did we not find something that we liked, but the current owner ran into some financial difficulties resulting in him having no choice but to put our home up for sale.

To add to our woes, the new owner has decided to move into the apartment, hence giving us till the end of our lease on the 9th June to move out. Unfortunately, according to the NSW TenacyAgreement, if one is still within the lease period, the owner only has to give us 14 days notice to move out. We had 4 weeks.

As reported in the news, the rental market is rosy for the owners but horrible for renters like us. We have been looking over the past week or so, and have only settled on one today that we would like to move into. Not surprisingly, there will be competition, and sadly for us, we will only get the outcome on Monday.

Life has been extremely stressful over the past week. Last Saturday, I experienced my first bout of anxiety attack in a really long time. After inspecting 7 apartments and finding nothing that suited us, I felt this strong nausea attack come from no where. I felt weak in my joints and at times could hardly walk. I told myself to take deep breaths and at the same time, not crumble because I cannot do so at this crucial point in time. Since John suffered more the last time than I did when we were given a first "eviction" notice six months ago, I felt that I had to be strong because we can't both suffer a breakdown at the same time.

Thankfully, a friend of ours invited us for a DVD evening which helped to calm us down a little with lots of pampering (good food, wine and hosting) but the rest of the weekend dragged on. I felt myself falling into a deep pit and all I craved was the sounds of my friend's soothing comforts, even though I knew that there was no real solution they could offer. It was only till Sunday evening that I sort some respite when I finally grabbed hold of the phone and blabbered to my closest friends, who all lent a very sympathetic ear.

I realised that the breakdown and the anxiety was due to inaction. The moment also brought me back to the times when I had to wait for the Australian Immigration department to approve on my work visas. There was nothing that I could do except wait for the outcome or the weekend to end in this case. It was horribly insecure feeling and I totally understood how John felt. According to Maslow hierarchy of needs (look I retained my Marketing knowledge), survival needs are at the very core, and if these needs are not satisfied, then nothing else matters. I floated through the weekend like a timeless soul lost in my own home and space. I think I was trying to be brave and strong the entire time I was surprised that I suffered all that anxiety and felt like throwing up.

Once the weekend was over and I was back at work, I was kept distracted with a heavy workload but my colleagues's and boss's understanding to allow me to take some time off to look at property websites and inspections itself helped me to gain a bit of solid ground.

John and I had a few arguments, miraculous considering the amount of stress that we were both shouldering. However, I wasn't going to let this destroy me, us or him, so I took on my carer's cap once again. There were times when we both turned impossible but it was constant communication that kept us and our relationship sane.

I was at the Mens' Group yesterday and I told them that one of my releases is to write. To explode into words, not screams and insults because they would just seem to fade into thin air, and disappear. Writing offers me a solace, like a faithful friend, always ready to listen, never questioning. Sometimes, I get on a flow, especially when I am wounded like this, and words pour like blood out of the wound.

John says it will take him at least a week to get over this anxiety, and I agree, but I am trying to be sensible and rational. It might not be the healthiest, but I guess the army trained me well to accept the stressful situation but always keep a lookout for the light.

Tomorrow is the start of another weekend, strangely a few of those that I don't look forward to. I don't know how I will cope tomorrow afternoon if we still don't find any other suitable accomodation. We have very kind friends who have offered to share their homes with us, but we don't want to do that and are keeping that to the very last resort. Will I have another anxiety attack? Will I resign myself to fate? Will I wish that the weekend will never end, so that hope lingers in my heart that we might get to rent the place we applied for today.

I can only pray. Pray that something good might come out of all the good things I have done in my entire life. Will God listen? Will I still believe if I don't get it?

People say that life experiences happen for a reason. If this happened so that I realise the importance of owning a home, can I say that I have learnt that lesson well already? All I know is that I will never wish this upon anyone. So, my friend, if you are listening, can you please pray for us? Thank you ...