The Wedding Banquet

My baby wants recognition from my family as my lover. My baby says he doesn't want to bear the effects of my not coming out anymore ...

The discussions about my status as a gay son in my family has recently been escalating. Initially, I embark on my usual voyage of denials and affirmations that my parents are not "matured enough" to take the news if I break it to them, and with the encouragement of some friends to do it at my own time, I usually get away with diverting the conversation for some other time.

Yesterday, this topic of intense interest has been sparked by a lecture we attended on gay, lesbians, human rights and marriage issues given eloquently by the Honorable Justice Michael Kirby. During the lecture, he not only discussed the need for us to address the homosexual issues relating to human rights, but also any other minority group facing the same discrimination all around the world. It's not just an issue that affects us, and even though we may not live to see the day where we will universally be loved, we have to work hard together to pave the way for this to happen.

One of the topics that he also discussed was the coming out to the family and how we need to do that so that people around us, our friends, colleagues and families will not longer have the opportunity to declare that they do not know anyone who is gay. We need to be brave and stand out, so that they will understand that fundamentally, we are no different from them, and are not evil spirits within.

I got the message and when the topic was brought up during our dinner again, John brought up the first valid point that really struck home. He has previously likened his experience with me as an invisible lover ... just a flatmate that James spends an incredible amount of time with, but his parents still look forward to the day James will find the right person. He wants to be recognised, even if they are going to shun him (which will be my anticipated reaction), like the way his Mum accepts me as her son's lover. Yesterday, he likened it to being in a relationship with someone for 4 years and he is ashamed to bring me home as his lover.

I'll give him this as his most valid point. If we were in a heterosexual relationship, my parents would probably be planning a weddding banquet now ... the one that I am going to break their hearts and their dreams that they are never going to have one.

My parents love me dearly. Ever since we were young, we have been doted with lots of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, and Dad asking us if we love him back. I thought it was normal or rather common until I realised that my friend's parents hardly touched them. Slowly, it started getting embarassing as we grew older and we confined it within the four walls of our home. I will also always remember promising Dad and Mum that I will look after them when I grow older, which is probably why this integrity makes coming out so difficult.

There must be something in not being honest about my sexuality that feeds this denial. Not wanting to hurt them, shatter their dreams, feeling the anxiety, losing face .... So many points for my home run ... Does my current stance of "cultural differences" still stand as a valid point?

Everytime I go back to Singapore nowadays, I try to be the perfect son. I feel like I am a bad son in my parents' eye because selfishly, I have chosen to live my dream staying abroad, instead of doing my part as a dutiful son. Yes, I have traditional values that I still keep, but that is what defines me. My fundamentality as a Chinese that I am proud of. It doesn't mean that I have to give this up just because I choose to live in foreign soil. I have adopted some Aussie trademarks, but I am still me deep within.

Even though my parents appear strong and wish me well, I know that deep down they are hurting because I am not there. I called my aunt recently and her first response was "Have you come back to Singapore for good?". When I last saw my cousins, one of the elder ones said "Why do you choose to stay away when your parents love you so much. Can't you see that you are hurting them?"

These are guilts that I have to live with. I call them three times a week, I write them "love letters" when I go, and I never forget to let them know how I feel. Still, deep down, I feel like the bad son. My Mum's "We are not going to be around all the time" may sound like emotional blackmail to some, but when your mother says this to you with an aching heart, how can you steel yours?

John says I have to grow up and accept that they are not always going to be happy with my choices and that I don't have to live my life according to them. This is true but I am learning to make my own decisions still. It is my journey to walk and even though I have the love and support of my friends and family, it is my consequence to bear, and that is my crossroad.

We both have our own cases with valid points and I have seen many other couples who have dealt with it before me. Some have lasted much longer than we have, but their partners are still in the closet. Is it that their partners are so generous and understanding that coming out doesn't matter to them, or have they just given up? Is there a balance we can strike?

I know what my coming out can bring. Lots of good and plenty of bad as well. John has confidence that my parents' love for me will eventually shine through, though I wonder if I am ready for this ride yet. Ang Lee's movie "The Wedding Banquet" still rings as the most realistic portrait of interracial relationships (not only for Asians but other cultural groups binded strongly by beliefs).

One of the main reasons why I haven't come out or I freeze at the thought of it is my parent's impression of homosexuality cultivated by the gatekeepers of society. I believe my Mum has stronger intuition than my Dad who is seemingly oblivious. She sees and she probes. I wonder if that is a sign that she knows or she is just getting ready for the revelation one day? With Asians, saving face is the most important thing in their world, so like the parents in "The Wedding Banquet", it will probably remain an open secret within the small confines of my family, if I do come out. Without the society's support, it will remain tough to declare our love but like what Justice Michael Kirby says, we will be the ones that will have to make that bold change.

I think I know that it is a day that is coming soon, and maybe I am working harder towards building the courage for that to happen. Maybe it's the part of me that wants to please, so that I am still lovable that leaves me in a further dilemma. I guess deep down in me, I can still make that wedding banquet dream happen, but with my love instead of what they had envisioned. Isn't my happiness most important?

囍宴就是幸福的开始吗？
那不结婚就不会幸福吗？
粉碎父母的梦想就是不孝吗？
我心慌，我彷徨，
真爱真地能克服万难吗？
面子真比我们的幸福重要吗 。 。 。