Religion and Myself

I have never been brought up to be religious. Besides the usual offering of respects to our ancestors at home and the trips to the temple, I have never been exposed, like my Christian and Catholic counterparts, to weekly mass or scriptures, like the Bible. My parents were Taoists, or Buddhists, which is the more general term, and thankfully, in many ways, they never forced religion upon us. I will never forget what Mum said one day that we are allowed to eat hamburgers and beef products (due to restrictions from religious beliefs) because we are still too young to decide which religion we want to follow. Though they had some reservations when my brother deviated from the "family tradition" and became a Methodist, they were fine with it after a while.

Coming out hence, was not too a painful process as opposed to a struggle. Deep down, I had my suspicions for some time, and every time when someone acted upon it, I chose to shy away quickly and prevented anything remotely serious from going further. I was safe in my little haven. Imagining and creating little fantasies of me and someone desirable being together, little mundane things that heterosexual couples do, which I could live out in my dreams. Strangely, I never imagined about the sexual bits and I was happy just creating saccharine sentimental scenes. It was fun, safe but ultimately unfulfilling because it was not real. Behind these facades, I was happiest when I was living outside myself.

Australia allowed me the chance to fly. To adopt a totally new personality and take on a new approach in life. I could have chosen my familiar route, but I deviated. It was not an easy decision because many of my fantasies were crushed very quickly and my heart was broken a couple of times ... for real, but I would never ever trade these painful experiences to carry on living my fantasies. I was living for the first time. I was loving someone openly for the first time. I was having my heart officially broken and I could talk and cry over it with someone real for the first time. No more imaginary friends, no more scenes for me to fake. The pain was real and the experience was enriching.

Looking back today, I am rather thankful that I wasn't "bogged" down by more dilemmas like religion. I want to start off by saying that I don't have any problems with it. Like the Dalai Lama, I believe that there should be one religion for every single person because there is no one belief that suits everyone entirely. People need something to believe in and to hold on to, for faith and hope. If it makes them a better person, then I am all for it.

What I don't like that much are the interpretations that have been magnified. Religions usually preach about love and acceptance for everyone, but I find it ironic that it is those who teach/talk most about it, that are the worst offenders. Would there be the word "minority" if everyone just loved and accepted everyone for who they are. Would there be names to differentiate everyone according to class, system, colour, preference?

The reason why I am bringing religion into today's equation is because I have two close friends (maybe more that I don't know of) who are closeted homosexuals because homosexuality is at odds with their religious beliefs. Like most of their religious counterparts, they see it as a sin, and their "deviations" something that they will be punished for, when they finally meet God. I know of friends who have struggled with growing up, and found God who led them the way to being who they are today, and they are very grateful for this. The dilemma starts when they fear that this "sick" but irresistible homosexual thoughts will bring them down ultimately because that would be a totally unacceptable way to repay the God that redeemed them when they are down in the troughs. They can deny it all they want but their hearts know the truth. They may have come close to tasting the forbidden fruit and succumbed to such temptations, but when they bring themselves out of this "trap", they punish themselves even more. Like a merry go round, these events will "haunt" them again and again all over their lives.

Why is God always painted as mighty beings that we are fearful of? Why are we taught to love Him/Her but are only loved back when we do just as our religious scriptures prescribe? Any deviations and we become sinners and must be punished. Isn't the dilemma and the contemplation painful enough? Isn't living a lie miserable enough? Why do we want to make it easier to hate ourselves even more? Why would God create us to be who we are? Isn't it easier for everyone if we were just carbon copies of each other? Why can't they see that the God who rescued them with His/Her love and acceptance will do the same this time around?

Life is full of choices and contradictions. If anyone thinks that homosexuality is something that strikes like lightning, and we wake up one day with that limp wrist and thinking of living our lives with the same sex, then they are in for a rude shock. There are endless struggles within ourselves to accept and love ourselves for who we are. In our minds, we are so unlovable because we are different. I didn't need religion to let me know that it was not the accepted thing. I felt dirty, unwanted and unloved, not only by everyone else but also myself. I couldn't find a strand of love in me to accept and love myself for who I am. Why am I created this way? Why can't I feel the love for girls like everyone else? Why does everyone seem to pick on me? Do they know I'm gay? God! What if they find out? What will happen to me?

Why should anyone in their right mind want to live their lives around a big fat lie and subject ourselves to scrutiny and accusations? Do you think it was comfortable for us to lie constantly to our friends and family in the belief that somehow this lie will iron itself out as the truth and like lightning, we will become "normal" or "common", and we will find the love once again? Every time I chat with a friend or someone who is still closeted, all the memories flood back. I have been there, and I feel I can help, but I know that I can be defenseless against the mighty force. I have had discussions with some of my religious heterosexual friends, who accept and love me for who I am, and I am thankful that they can say that many of these "beliefs" are interpretations of man, and sometimes, power gets in the way of the over zealous leaders preaching their own agenda instead of God's true sermon.

In my mind and I do believe in the existence of God, I believe that if God created me for who I am, then I must be loved just like my other counterparts, no matter how different we are. I may make mistakes like most people do, but homosexuality is not a choice in life and hence not a mistake. The only choice, and I stress again, is honesty. To live an honest life and being true to myself. To accept and love myself for who I am, and only when I am at peace with that, can I feel God's love once again. God is approachable, like most religious people know, but not only when we are good. They are there when we are bad because when the guilt comes, it is when we need them more. Someone to believe in and who will let us know that we are fine. As long as we are not doing something that harms someone else, then we are not doing anything wrong.

There can be an interpretation that we are harming our family with our honesty but I do not see that. I understand that they have their dreams of seeing us leading the same path that most of them have walked on. The dreams of marriage, children and how happiness can only be achieved when we have all these "luxuries" in life. Yes, they are luxuries because they offer love and support, but if we can't even love ourselves, where will true love come for others? We have our own life and our own dreams to live and create. We cannot live our life fulfilling someone else's dream so that they can be happy while we are miserable. To live a dishonest life is one of the most miserable things in life. My parents may be unaware of my homosexuality because I have chosen not to confront this with them right now. It is in part the traditional Chinese/Asian way to keeping things peaceful but also that education about homosexuality and AIDS is not widely available in Singapore. There are still many misconceptions about the suicidal tendencies and the contraction of AIDS in the country and the strict gatekeepers do their jobs well. John constantly reminds me that it may be my "task" to educate them and all I can say now is "Someday ..." I am not living with them right now, so it would be unfair to lay it on my siblings to have to cop that inevitable rage and confusion.

Wwhat I want to say is that coming out, no matter how many times I do it, to friends and strangers, is still a struggle and painful decision to make. If it was accidentally exposed, it sets my heart beating 100, 1000, 1 million times faster because I am afraid. Fearful that I will not be loved and accepted. Afraid that all that good work that I have done and put into our friendship will just go down into the drain because they realise the fact that I am not who they think I am. Whether or not it is the fact that their dreams about me have been shattered or the dishonesty, I may never know. All I know is that it is painful but life goes on ... and most of the times, it gets better with time.

I love and treasure my family and my friends very much, so like many others, I shield my painful truth from them, but I know at the same time that there is no liberation. I can never be as free to be and that is the price I pay. For my two or more closeted friends, I feel your pain and your struggle. Though it is of less intensity, I want to be that ear and the light at the end of the tunnel for you. It is not going to be easy but each baby step that you take towards honesty makes life more bearable, and it can be easier than you think it is. Just think of being able to speak to everyone like you speak to me. To be loved and accepted by many others just like I have been subjected to.

It is this love and acceptance that has helped me grow and I am still taking little steps and learning everyday. I want to share this because I want to challenge mind sets. To allow people unlike us to understand the dilemmas and struggles we have to go through in life. For every decision they have to make, be it be a purchase or a life choice, be it facing an unwanted pregnancy, having kids when they didn't expect or any other life/death matter), I want you to know that we live this discomfort every day. It is not trivial because many people do think of death before coming out. Death is the easier choice because there is no life and consequence to live after the decision about honesty is made about our life.

You may not outwardly know anyone who is gay but they could be closeted. Hiding from you because they are afraid that they will not be accepted or loved by you. They could be very lonely and like anyone, just needs a smile and a hand of true honest friendship. We are all "hidden" amongst all of you, come in all sizes, shapes and colour, and do not cross dress most of the time. We do not all speak in high pitched voices or dress nicely or fashionably as well. However, like all your heterosexual counterparts and all living things, we need love. For my dear closeted friends, I just want to say that you are lovable. I love you just the way you are, no matter how bad you think you are and how no one can love you in that state, I am there.

I still have my journey to walk on but I am less afraid because not only do I have the love and acceptance of my dear friends and some family members, but more importantly, from myself. It is only when I have cleared the muddy space in my heart that love can grow once again ...