An Overwhelming Exercise

Right now, as I am writing this, my heart is still trembling ... It is not a bad feeling, just that I had thrown myself out into the abyss, and came back with an unexpected pot of gold.

I chose to be brave today ... to risk my newly rejuvenated friendship with this friend that I just wrote about, and decided to be honest about myself and come out. It really isn't any easier, even though I have been experiencing more of these episodes recently, because every new person is another individual with totally different sets of characteristics and values. It just doesn't get any easier.

I understood that he was religious and my revelation would be in conflict with the beliefs, but I just had to take the risk. I could have chosen to sugar coat every line and fact of my life (like I do with new strangers and some friends) but I am increasingly hating to lie and substitute he for she, his for her. So, I chose to come from the heart and stress on the importance of honesty in relationships.

As I anxiously paced in my heart for the reply, I was astonished to realise that he totally understood what I was going through and his empathy for me was rather overwhelming. His understanding and acceptance of me and his personal revelations has elevated our relating to each other to another level, and it wouldn't have been possible if I had chosen to be a coward on this occasion.

It was not an easy decision for me to write that email to him because I didn't necessarily want any more dramas, and like any "new" relationships, there was still plenty of areas to test, but I couldn't be happier with the end result.We all have our journeys to walk on, and some are tough while others have an easier time. I believe that the tougher roads only serve to make us stronger and better.

I realised that by taking this big step (for both of us), we learn to forgive that part of ourselves that can be the most self critical and serve it a blow. I am thankful I do not have a religion that confines me to certain rules but I respect everyone's choice. I have some gay friends who are religious and they face the extra conflict that I don't. Some of them have forsaken their religion, so that they can be who they are. Others have chosen to reconcile or continue to hide behind it. To me, God is loving, accepting and forgiving, and the love is not only confined to colour, status, sexual preferences or any other human condemning differences.

My true life journey has probably just started and with each painful challenge comes a revelation and a new discovery. Strength to build on to move on farther down the road. Now, I can only teach myself to continue loving, caring, accepting, respecting ...