Myself - 自我 -

I believe I have mentioned it before that I am currently in a Mens' Group. It was set up as an avenue for men in safe (confidential) environment to discuss freely about the matters of their hearts. Initially I thought that I wouldn't have too much need for this because I pour out my heart on my blog and my friends, but recently, I found that I am really enjoying it because we are exploring deeper into who we are as human beings, which are really interesting topics.

One of the most interesting points that stayed with me previously was that "It is always easier to talk about someone else than us". I think part of this is because I have been brought up to think that I would be too conceited if I just blabbered about myself incessantly all the time, and rarely in daily conversations, do we explore the myriad of feelings and emotions that we experience with various incidents. It is always easier to just describe the events and ignore the impact on us when it is obviously what caused us to talk about it in the first place. It is easier to curse the situation, person than share our experience and effects because it does not make for interesting gossip for most people. It helps to connect people but we are more used to conventional water cooler topics than revelations that could move. Are we just more shallow when it comes to having such conversations with friends or do we just not try hard enough?

I am lucky to have friends outside the Mens' group that I can do so, but I am also acutely aware that not everyone might be comfortable sharing such intimate information, but are we ready for it when someone takes the first step? Would this world be a more beautiful place if we share our real selves and everyone listened without prejudice and judgment, like in these artificial environment nurtured by the groups.

Another fascinating discovery over our last meeting for me was "When in a relationship, when it is okay to put ourselves in the first place?". Being the only gay man in the group, I think I don't have to feel like I am the breadwinner or the protector of the relationship, but I was seriously thinking about how many of us, including myself, do not put ourselves in the first place. I don't know if it is my insecurity that if I don't constantly give, that I will not receive the love back, or just that because the true joys is more in the giving, that I always believe in putting myself below other's needs most of the time. But if I don't, I am reminded that the world will not collapse and I will not die.

One important thing that came to mind is my determination to visit my family and spend at least two weeks with them a year because of their love for me. It is their love for me that allows me to stay in Sydney and this is one of the only ways I can repay them for their generosity. Since we only have about a month's leave a year, this does not afford me another opportunity for another long holiday with John both financially and time wise. One of the other things that someone shared reminded me that John and I have a family of our own and our little traditions that we will plan and live, and it is sometimes that I have not given too much thought of in the past, but I thought completely true and sweet.

It is the second time I heard that "I will not die if I don't go to Singapore for one year", which is true but the fact is that I do miss my family terribly and thankfully, John is totally empathetic. He told me that he wouldn't like to imagine being able to see his Mum only once or twice a year. However, I am acutely aware of our own need for a holiday, so I sometimes struggle to strike a balance to keep everyone happy. But am I?

I love my family and I love John very much. It isn't easy but I guess I have to find better ways to strike this balance and how I can do this both because as much as I would love to travel, would someone understand the pain of not being able to see and share their love with their families as often as possible? I can only do what I can, but I am happy when everyone is, and the price of seeing my family happy makes my yearly visit to Singapore fruitful. That said, I would like to give this new hypothesis a try by visiting Paris and parts of Europe with John next year.

A final issue that emerged, which John has constantly reminded me and was brought up, was my relationship with my father. My father is not the typical Asian father one would associate with. Growing up with a father who practised polygamy, he never had a 24 hour full time dad that he could live with. He had to share him with two other families and many other foster siblings. I can't expand more because he is fiercely private about his childhood, and hasn't shared much as compared to my mother, so I only knew snippets from my Mum or aunt. His views on fatherhood was probably shaped by his own experience, and hence he set out to be the best father he can be, and he has succeeded. Instead of taking a cold authoritarian approach, he was kind but firm, and never shied away from displaying affection, like kisses or hugs whenever he can.

He helped us in all our decisions (and probably made most of them - Ha! Ha!), and I know I am admired by some of my friends for having such a loving and dutiful father. I have learnt to appreciate his love more as I grow older because he has proved to be a very positive role model but transition from father to friend has been a little tougher. It isn't easy all the time when he has told us before that we will always be his little children no matter how old we are. I don't think this is a reflection that he wants to be the patriarch, but that he will always want to provide us with whatever we lack in life, and be a parent and friend at the same time (which is what he told us when we were young), but I noticed that we seem to have difficulties in discussing about certain life issues like adults, because I don't think he sees me as one sometimes.

John laments that our conversations are relegated to the "Yes-No" simplicity and he constantly reminds me of our short time on Earth, but I find it difficult to break the mould over the phone. Listening to one of my friends who is a father himself to six grown children, he says that he yearns for his children to know him, not as a father, but also as a contributor to this world, a human being in all. I am most inspired by this and know that I will seek to learn about my own father in my next visit. I am also eager to explore deeper relationships with my closer ones in my life as I get more comfortable in my own skin. I have known for a long time that we have to be open before we can move others to open to us as well, but I have never really done too much of that with my own family. I think my family would like to know me as a person and I think they should be proud of who I am.

I know now that it is not conceit but vital for me to talk about myself sometimes, and for me to place myself and my needs first because then I will be a more balanced human being. In being so, I am possibly open up new windows within myself that may delight others in the process as well.

Better Safe Than Sorry?

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post, which seemed to be quite a "hot topic", my dear friend from Canada wrote me a rather passionate letter warning me about the potential dangers of just being who I want to be, which seemed to be the reflection of thoughts from some of you.

He was unable to post a comment because he probably didn't have a gmail account, but this is what he wrote:

Some people wrote to you to say that you should not be concerned if your conscience is clear and you are simply doing what is good. Sorry, I disagree with them. Who is going to back you up if no one is looking and if you had not planned ahead of time. From experience I can tell you that most people prefer to remain "uninvolved" and out of any kind of controversy. Truly, you want to help those in need but you also want to protect yourself.

One of my friends was sentenced to time in minimum security prison because he felt sorry for someone, tried to help them and was accused of sexual misconduct. I know the guy, know how he tries to help everyone and also that he would not have committed sexual misconduct because this was a woman accusing him and he is gay. Any way, I was not present so could not vouch for him and others would not get involved. The only thing I could to to help was visit him in prison. Now he is out but always has someone with him when he is helping anyone out. One of my other friends was accused of misconduct but I was actually there and able to defend them against those who were accusing him. There are a number of other examples I could speak of but my main point is that you have to be careful, regardless of your intentions. Intentions only get a person so far so, please don't be naive enough to think that a clear conscience is protection for accusations. Keep in mind that I am speaking not of just sexual misconduct; physical abuse, emotional abuse, are also accusations that people are having to face. I am not suggesting that a person live alone in a cave, just that they be careful to protect themselves from unjust accusations.

I am really thankful to Makary for bringing this to my and now everyone's attention. I totally believe that there are such true cases in life, because the society does certain communities of people who are perceived to be more vulnerable. If a woman that I am helping suddenly accuses me of sexual assault even though I am innocent, and no one is around to witness, who would the judge believe?

My dilemma though now is when to help or do we just stand by and watch it all happen? There is a current case in Australia where a Muslim was jailed in suspicion of assisting in the foiled London bombings recently and was held with no actual charge of about a month. The Australian Federal police and government claimed that they had proof that his mobile SIM card was found in his cousin's car that exploded. It was since discovered that it was a lie, and the SIM card was about 300 km away. This is the first case that tests the new Australian anti-terrorism laws and now that this debacle has put these laws into the spotlight, the prime minister is saying that "When it comes to terrorism, it is always better to be safe than sorry."

I know that this is not entirely linked, but it does reflect the fear that we possess for our fellow beings, and it is our leaders who helped shape the attitudes of the world. What messages do I, as an adult, want to pass down to my younger generation, in particular, my nephew and niece? When it comes to helping others, is it really better to be safe than sorry, or does it only restrict to us, as single men? What can we do to change the impressions of the world?

Is This Still The Same World?

I had a particularly nasty experience last Sunday, rather Earth shattering in many ways to me. I believe my love for children is well documented, not only by my stories but also by the number of baby and children photos I share on this blog.

Last Sunday, as I walked out of JB Hi-Fi (the local mega music store) towards Town Hall Station, I passed by the boutique Jeans West and a shirt on the show window caught my eye. As I turned around to head for a closer look, I was distracted by the sight of a two or three year old boy running out of the store, giggling with glee. I saw the woman in front of me flinch, paused for a second, and then proceeded to go on her way. Seeing that there was no parent in sight, I caught hold of the child's arm as he swooshed past me.

At the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an adult running out, and assuming it was one of the parents, I stood still waiting for whoever it was to claim the child. A young woman rushed out, flustered, and when she saw that I had held onto the child, paused about 2 metres away from me. In a scene reminiscent of a police heist, she said to me sternly "Mate. You can let go of him now". I was shocked. I thought I had heard wrongly. She repeated, "Yes, you can let go of him now".

I loosened my grip and then she said "Thank you". It all turned out to be a blur from then on, as I proceeded to the window to look at the shirt. However, I no longer held interest because a part of me was dying inside. Here is a stranger who has just accused me of being a possible pedophile, kidnapper, nasty man etc. I sought within myself to deny this new "identity" that this stranger has just imposed on me. I was drowning with this new tag on top of me. I was confused that I didn't know how to react. Instead of getting back at her, I silently walked away.

I don't know if I was expecting any gratitude, but her reaction was totally uncalled for. What I did was a good deed and all I received was an accusation. It was unfair and what I would hate to come out of this is my fear of caring and intervening when we need to. This is why people stop helping others. The child could have run into an escalator or a door and injured himself. Someone else could have ran away with him. What did she think I was going to do? There were so many people around. None stopped to help and what did she think I could do? Run, molest, kidnap?

It really affected my mood for the rest of the day and upon further analysis, I realised that it touched on several insecurities and issues within myself ... especially around the seeming impossibility of parenthood and how I may never have this sort relationship with any child that I can call my own, and also the fact that I have been away from my family for almost a year, and I miss them.

Thankfully, my friends whom I had shared my experience with, have all expressed their shock and horror at the mother's reaction. I wonder if it was her way of skirting responsibility and asserting blame on others since she was the one that had not taken more care of the child? If not, what has this world become?

カバークレイジー - Just The Way We Were -

I'd never thought I would say this. I'd probably die if I knew at 16 or 20 that I was going to sound like my parents. "Music just isn't what it is anymore ...", they would lament to the "innovative" sounds of Faye Wong, who brought on a new generation of breathy singing. "You are just a "traditionalist" that can't keep up with the times", I used to think.

Japanese music has really moved on from the traditional enka to 70's pop which still had a very distinctive Japanese flavour to 80's bubblegum pop, 90's R & B infused pop to today's hip hop and rap generation. Where have all the good songwriters gone? Have they run of ideas or inspiration, or just that their melodic songs are no longer being heard because they feel that they have to conform to today's trends?

Today's popular Japanese music is heavily Western influenced and rarely do we all agree on a good melody because there simply isn't one anymore. It's all about hooks and all 5 seconds of it, repeating itself throughout the songs. The rest of the songs become fillers around this hook. I'm not complaining about all of them, and I am not sure if it is because I have grown older that I don't feel like humming/singing to those songs anymore. The new generation move their bodies to the beat like waves hitting the shores, as they close in their little worlds with their iPods. then, my music transported me to a new fantasy land, and I sing to the entire song, with as much belief, even if I couldn't understand what they were singing. That probably helped a lot too because then I could plan my own magic carpet ride ...

Is this why we are seeing a growing trend of cover albums by singers that we have grown up with in the 80s and 90s? That they share the sentiment that there are not many good songs that they really feel are worthy or is it a project that they take on, in hope of good sales so that they can move projects that they really want to embark on?

Akina is slowly gaining more recognition amongst the younger generation as a "cover artist" because her cover albums sell a lot more than her originals. Not surprising since more marketing is dedicated to it, but are we, as a generation who have started listening to Japanese music in the 80s and 90s, unable to move on, and prefer to hang on to our melodies and memories?

What constitutes a good cover album? A good selection of songs or good sales? Is it a singer who is able to make the compositions theirs and move you to a new level or one that inclines you to pick out the originals and immerse yourself in those bitter sweet memories again? Where does Akina lie?

For me, Akina likes to pick more obscure songs, with the exception of Zero. It is always a gamble to challenge an original especially if the singer who popularised it is synonymous with the song. It is going to invite comparison but it is a good selling/talking point as well. It takes a lot of courage to do so and walk away with it victorious. Overall, I believe that Akina is good singer and is able to inject her own life into their songs. I don't particularly feel that I have a desire to go listen to the originals to relive my memories. I can still walk that road with Akina. Another singer that I feel I can do is with is 福山雅治, whose cover album "The Golden Oldies" is the best selling cover album of all time and deservedly so. He is able to transcend the originals and make a song his, even if the original is a female singer. I haven't listened to any of 岩崎宏美's 「Dear Friends」 series, but she is a good singer, so I think she will fall into the "good covers" category.

Not so successful is 工藤静香 whose cover album is not as interesting, though it may be because she covered plenty of obscure material to me. Many people may also say that she has a rather unique voice which is not soothing, and the cover albums tend to be more "stripped to the basics", with a band or orchestra, creating that jazzy, easy breezy listening style that is unintrusive . However that said, she did lead me to the discovery of the song 「かもめはかもめ」 which I love. It is also one of the "quieter" songs in that album though.

Another singer that I have a hard time debating myself over is 徳永英明, who 乱火さん adores. His 「Vocalist」 series have been huge hits and I have always been cynical because I think it has more to do with the song selection that anything else. He can hit all the higher notes alright, but to me, he sounds monotonous, and I yearn for the originals to let them wash over me like tsunamis, not ripples that he sends.

While 「艶華-Enka-」 keeps its daily ranking of 28th for the second day, I noticed yesterday that 徳永英明's 「Vocalist」 and 「Vocalist2」 re-entered the daily charts from nowhere to No. 9 and No. 6 respectively. Fuelled probably by the release of his new cover single 「恋におちて -Fall in Love-」 this week, it has invigorated sales of his two previous cover albums, in anticipation of his cover release due 15th August. Out of curiosity, I played his two 「Vocalist」 albums this morning, and in my "semi-conscious" state, I found them rather enjoyable, in an unintrusive sort of way, like BGM. Maybe I can now understand how 乱火さん feels. I think it is also a quiet evening album of loneliness, and his voice projects that. I sing along, but in my head, the voice of the originals floats, and my voice seem to channel them instead of him. I wonder why ...

According to the AN Fun Site, the songlist for his new 「Vocalist 3」 has been released together with the news that another singer that I like, 杏里 is also releasing a new cover album to celebrate her joining the Universal Japan family. These are the tracklists for both albums:

徳永英明「VOCALIST3」
2007年8月15日発売
【収録曲】
01. PRIDE (今井美樹)
02. まちぶせ (original: 三木聖子written by 荒井由実 and popularised by 石川ひとみ in 1981. 松任谷由実 self covered it to higher heights in 1996)
03. ENDLESS STORY (伊藤由奈)
04. 桃色吐息 (高橋真梨子)
05. CAN YOU CELEBRATE？ (安室奈美恵)
06. やさしいキスをして (Dreams Come True)
07. わかれうた (中島みゆき)
08. 迷い道 (渡辺真知子)
09. たそがれマイ・ラヴ (大橋純子)
10. 恋におちて-Fall in Love- (小林明子)
11. Time goes by
12. 月のしずく (Rui: 柴咲コウ)
13. 元気を出して (薬師丸ひろ子,written and covered by 竹内まりや)

杏里「tears of anri」
2007年9月12日発売
【収録曲】（予定）
悲しみがとまらない（杏里）
やさしいキスをして（DREAMS COME TRUE）
夜空ノムコウ（川村結花）
雨音はショパンの調べ（小林麻美）
会いたい（沢田知可子）
優しい雨（小泉今日子）
あなたのキスを数えましょう～You were mine（小柳 ゆき）
探偵物語（薬師丸ひろ子）
聖母たちのララバイ（岩崎宏美）
雨（森高千里）
LOVE IS ALL～愛を聴かせて～（椎名恵）

I am still happy to listen to 「VOCALIST3」 but I am looking forward to Anri's cover album more. Maybe it is novelty but if Anri released an original album and this cover album, I think I would be more inclined to buy the latter. I wonder if I am now a laggard, someone who does not follow the buying trend as quickly as the younger generation would, or I just enjoy my music the way it used to be.

I don't know if I ever want Akina to stop singing covers, because I think she would release a great jazz influenced original album, or a cover album of 山口百恵 songs. I would also like to see her cover/sing a 中島みゆき and 松任谷由実 composition (魔法の鏡 is from her 荒井由実 years) in my lifetime because I think she has the experience now to cover them to satisfaction. Just like 「いい日旅立ち」, I think she covered it well. I don't want to compare it with the original because Mome sang it when she was 19 and she is synonymous with the song, but I think Akina interpreted it well.

ロマンスが止まらない - A Touch Of French -

I love good surprises, so imagine my joy when I received one of the most wonderful surprises over the weekend, a romantic concert experience and a sumptuous dinner to follow.

Since John is not someone who generally enjoys a surprise, he asked me this time last week how much time and preparation I would need if he planned a surprise. I didn't really know what to say, so I replied "Well, I guess I don't need much time, but if you need me to be at a certain place at a certain time, then I think a reasonable time should be allowed." I shoved it to the back of my mind, thinking it must be the musical "Spelling Bee" that I mentioned that I would like to watch.

On Saturday afternoon, I received a phone call from an anonymous person asking to speak to John about a nine o'clock dinner reservation. I didn't manage to catch the name of the restaurant and I also wondered if I had heard wrongly because nine was very late, and we never have our dinner this late, but I didn't persist on questioning the origin of the call. Deciding that this was the surprise, I played along and said "I think this is meant to be a surprise, and unfortunately, he is currently in a seminar which will end around 3 pm. Would you mind calling him back then?" She sounded a little sheepish and promised to do so. John called back about 20 minutes later to see if I had picked up a call and I mentioned in nonchalant fashion that there was someone who called about a 9 pm dinner reservation. He quickly dismissed it as a work function that he was organising and I played along.

I decided to give him some free time to himself so I settled on my weekly routine of Chinatown marketing and shopping after the phone call. On my way back, I received a phone call from John asking where I was, and I reassured him that I was near home. When I returned, he told me that I must have guessed that the dinner was the surprise, and I assured him that I really didn't know the name of the restaurant that we were going to. When he revealed it to be Wildfire, which we had a really wonderful dinner once with my ex-boss which was my farewell dinner at my last work, I was elated.

We left for dinner around 6 pm, parked the car about 1 km away, and started walking towards Sydney Opera House, because Wildfire was on Circular Quay. As we neared the Opera House, since it was still too early for our 7.30 pm dinner reservation (he says), he fished out two tickets to a cabaret performance by French singer Caroline Nin: Hymne a Piaf. It was her tribute to Edith Piaf. I was shocked because I had no idea and this is such a generous and lovely gift, but it did help to explain why the dinner reservation was at nine.

It was his present to me for showering my love and support during these past few months, and it was a really sweet gesture. When I didn't show any exhilaration, he questioned my admiration for Piaf and I reassured him that it was probably that I was still recovering from my surprise.

We walked into the small intimate hall (the Studio) and sat on the first row, though not exactly in front of Caroline because there were tables and chairs in front of us to replicate the feel of a downtown French cabaret bar. Caroline started off with a relatively unknown Piaf song in English and then polished it off in French. We were both wondering if she was going to continue this potentially tiresome routine, but we were soon very pleasantly treated to a journey in France and a trip down Piaf's life. Caroline has her roots in Jazz and though she never reaches the power of the original Edith Piaf and is disappointing to some, I found it so soothing to hear her interpret Piaf's songs with a jazz twist, and entertaining at the same time as she re-enacted scenes in some of these songs. In poetic fashion, she retold the stories in the songs, which would otherwise have been lost on most of the English speaking crowd. She drew John and I into this romantic swirl and left us enthralled, our escapade in Paris, French music and love.

It kicked off the perfect start and by the time the 1 hour and 10 minute concert ended, we were in the mood for a romantic dinner. There was way too much delicacies and also too much champagne for me, but this really made up for the horrible times that we shared last month. It also help squash all myths that couples cannot find romance five years down the road. I believe we love each other more than we did in the first year and this was one of the definitive ways to celebrate it. Easily one of the most memorable and romantic evenings we shared, I will never forget it. Thank you my love ...

Så som i himmelen

What does your heaven look like? For me, it's a place where there is no fear, only love, and I will have everything that I always wanted - not so much material goods, but the people I love around me.

"As It In Heaven" made the Australian news recently as the small film that out-grossed "Titanic" at the classic Orpheum cinema in Cremorne, North Sydney. We made plans a couple of months ago when we heard raves about the movie to watch it, but since it was a fair distance away (across the Harbour Bridge which we rarely venture unless we visit John's family in Newcastle), it never eventuated.

We finally bit the bullet in shivering temperatures last Thursday evening, and walked out close to midnight, warm in our hearts. Made in 2004 and a Best Foreign Picture Oscar nominee in 2005, this crowd pleaser is a story about relationships and how music and love can move us to open our hearts and allow love in. It could have been a real mush-fest but under the skillful hands of Swedish filmmakers, we are thankfully excused from a saccharine and sentimental experience.

The movie begins with a talented seven year old boy playing the violin in the fields and how not far away, ran some bullies who would soon locate and beat him to a pulp because he was different. His sole parent, his mother soothes him and comforts him that he will never have to suffer the pain again by moving them to the city. There at fourteen, while preparing for his entry for a major contest, he glances out of the window just in time to catch his mother being knocked down by a chair.

We are treated next to his adulthood and here he is, grand as a world renowned conductor of an orchestra, his genius in full force as blood is gushing out of his nose while he in fully entrenched in his work. The next few scenes establish him as a perfectionist as he berates the musicians for apparently not dedicating their lives as much as he does to his passion. As he walks off finishing another performance, he collapses, and it is revealed that he suffered a heart attack.

He decides to take a break and though he doesn't realise why then, decides to go back to his birthplace, and buys the school that he first studied at. Being a loner all his life, he finds life in this small town a little difficult to adjust to at first, because of the proximity of the relationships between the townsfolk, which he is not accustomed to, since he has been a loner since his mother died. One day, he makes a decision to train the church choir, and through his unique techniques, to breathe and live music instead of just singing it, he brings salvation and freedom to the many people in this choir and town. Without being aware, he buys the school he was taught and ends up teaching life lessons to them and himself.

It is not exactly "The Sound of Music", which is one of my favourite films of all time, but it does share a similar theme of the power of music and love. There are some wonderful scenes and messages in the film, the best easily being the confrontation between the town pastor and his wife. I am so happy that someone finally put it down on the screen because it is so true that Jesus Christ never forgave because he never condemned in the first place. It is all about power hungry people using religion as their own way of getting what they want, and preaching their own views and values rather than Christ. I am not religious but I really balk at what some famous archbishops have to say about issues and in particular marginalised people, just because they are not common. We are all normal, just uncommon.

I also adore the theme of honesty in the movie, and how we need to open our hearts first before love can enter. It is all about giving and the joys of it, and how when it can return if you start by giving. I love the communal feel of the small town and how these group of people learn to speak their minds and live the lives that they want, and the support they learn to provide to each other, and strength in numbers. The power of being and the inspiration of music and life.

Another scene that struck a real note with me was one of the choir members standing up to a bully, and finally confronting him for berating him all these years, giving him a nickname that he could never live outside. This really reminded me of the painful days when I was growing up, and how nicknames given by bullies at school used to hurt so much, and no matter what I did, tried to fit in, that I would never be able to be one of them. Why does this still happen in life? Oh what I would give to relive all those years and give it back to them. To be brave and say to them that I am happy with who I am and I no longer have to be afraid. Maybe this is why I have not kept in touch with them, and I know that if I stood next to them today, that I wouldn't be the one feeling ashamed. I may not be more successful or richer than anyone of them, but I am certain that I am more complete and I am happy with I am and the life I am leading.

This is a truly moving and powerful movie. It is so many things to so many people that one word or an adjective cannot sum up the entire movie, but they are speechless nonetheless. I don't want to hike up the expectations for anyone because it is dangerous to walk into any film with such hopes, but if you do get a chance to watch it, see if music opens your heart to love as well.