Fear

People say that finding a relationship is tough, and I totally agree, but after speaking to a few friends who have not been "in the loop" for sometime, and have sort of resigned themselves to never finding one, I wonder if fear is the real obstacle?

The older we get, the more cautious we become. From the wisdom that we gathered from past experiences and others' mistakes, we inject hypotheses as we wonder if things will work out with our every date. We see the warning signs quicker than we use too, but are we being too cynical and are we extinguishing something before we know if our conclusion is true?

I was just speaking to a good friend the other day who has not been in a relationship for over 7 years and he confirms that he is "not ready for a relationship". I drew it down to fears of having one because it's been so long and he agrees. We get so set in our ways, there's a reluctance to want to get out of it. It's moving out of our comfort zone, a nest that we have built that shields us from any possible horrors. We may lament about never meeting someone, but when the opportunity arises, fear overcomes and we'd rather stay status quo.

Anticipation/Fear is worse than the real thing itself. When it arrives, humans find the means like we always do to deal with whatever obstacles that are ahead. We have enough wisdom and life experiences to guide us through. If not, then it will be a new learning experience and it is not always a bad thing. With our friend's love and support, we always find the strength to get up again and move on.

The important thing I strongly believe is to focus on one thing at a time. If we look at the long term picture all at once, if it works or it doesn't, then it frightens us back into our shell because then we can keep on complaining and not do anything. It's a safe haven but we stay complacent. Focus on one thing at a time and then it becomes more manageable. Not only the task but also the fear.

I understand better why some of my friends say that they prefer to remain single, even if the loneliness gets to them sometimes. At least, it "looks less pathetic" than trying and failing all the time. Of course, I agree that there comes a time when "enough is enough" and we just want to be left alone. I don't have any problems with that, but I just want them to know that fear is not a good reason to give up.

Relationships can be scary but if there is trust within to allow both people to still maintain their individuality, then it will work. It is not about suffocation, but about freedom, even as a couple. John and I give each other what we call "free time" to develop and maintain our individual souls, so that when we are back together, we feel recharged and are able to spend more quality time together. We don't believe in a need to spend 24/7 hip to hip just to prove our love for each other. Sometimes, we even take "pains" to sit away from each other at our big "family" dinners, because there is no need to speak to each other, or hold onto each other for security, because we already spend so much time together.

It is the trust that we have within our relationship that allows us to be who we are, and maintain that individuality. It is not courage, but communication that keeps this a viable option for us, and an important one for our relationship to keep growing. There are definitely obstacles that come, but always remember that they go as well. Focus is one important lesson that allows us to deal with fears that arise, and that anticipation is always worse than the real thing.