Love Support

How do you comfort someone who is facing the possibility of death? How do you not sound patronising when you try to say "everything is going to be alright" when deep down you know that there is no guarantee? How can you help someone stay positive when chaos and the shock of a "sudden end" is ruling their minds?

I consider myself to be rather good at giving advice or showing support but I am rather dumbfounded when I am faced with the problems above. There is a very fine line between showing support and sounding condescending, so how we do make sure that we don't fall into the wrong side of the track?

The only true past experience I had is with my grandmother when she was very ill in 1997. The doctors seem to indicate that there wasn't much hope and my mother told me the night before that I'd better spend some time and go visit her in the hospital. I remember nodding and then rushing to my room, sinking my head in my pillow and sobbing. I felt so helpless. I didn't want to be a doctor so that I can help cure her. I just wanted to be with her ... always.

I went to the hospital the next afternoon, trying hard to be a man and hold back my tears. When I neared her room, I saw some people outside, whom I quickly recognised as my aunt and cousins. I stood back while watching them wipe their tears away. The rush of emotion overcame me and I slipped through the nearest exit and sobbed in the stairway. Was this for real? It took me about 10 minutes to recompose myself before I could step back into the hallway towards her room.

They were leaving now and they nodded at me when I addressed each aunt that was there. They told me to take care of grandma because they had to leave now. I nodded and walked into the room. It was painful to watch my loved one connected with all sorts of tubes in her, and I just walked up next to her unconscious body and started staring.

When she stirred, I started stroking her hair and I believe she starred at me in acknowledgement. I looked at her and remember singing a lullaby hoping to soothe her into sleep. She closed her eyes and the tears started flowing. I choked them back and tried to say that everything was going to be okay but I didn't know if it was the right thing to say. A nurse soon drew the curtains and took the tube out of her mouth. Looking at my grandma, she asked if I was her grandson, which I nodded. She then asked if I would like to feed her and I said Yes.

She had fed me when I was growing up, so it was my turn to return the favour. She didn't seem to eat a lot and then somehow more tears fell and I watched as she looked away ... Puzzled, I wiped the tears away. The same nurse approached us and drew me away for a second, telling me not to cry. Not because I have to be a man but she said I was a positive force for my grandmother. She said that she has eaten more than she has in the past few days and she looks like she is getting better. This time, the tears were of joy. I didn't know that she would actually leave us in the another 6 months but I did say all the positive things to encourage her.

Now, I have a friend who's partner is very possibly facing death and we discussed about how to show support and say the right things. We both agreed it was tough and the only thing I can do as the third party is try to show support for my friend, and be someone she can come to for support. This, I learnt from the wonderful book "Grace and Grit" which said that even support people need support. However, I did face her partner once and there were many awkward silences because I didn't know what to say, so I chose not to.

What would I want someone to say when I am in that position? Do I want to discuss the possibility of my death or do I want to hear positive encouragement? I had come to believe that sometimes, a doctor's "deadly" disgnosis is not always the worst thing in life because it is like being handed a "death sentence". You know how much time you are going to approximately get. Even if we extend it and fight bravely, death is never too far away and then, we are inspired to get rid of the bullshit that sometimes dictate our lives and we live every second. On the other hand, almost all of us live like there is always going to be a next year and hence we push our dreams away to a some day.

I guess for me, ultimately, I want to know that my time on Earth has not been wasted. I want to have led a fruitful life, and for me, it doesn't lie in the emptiness of extravagance but through love, friendship and support. One of the few times I wish I was richer, is when I wish I could afford my parents a better life because of their love. Otherwise, I just want my eulogies read to me before I die and that is probably what I mostly want to hear ...