The Asian Queer "Revolution"

I received my usual updates from Fridae and there were some interesting articles about a famed Malaysian journalist and some ordinary Singaporeans coming out in their books respectively.

Since this is a topic of discussion on my previous post, I thought it would be nice to share a few of these "brave stories" here to spur me and everyone else caught in the same boat.

Here are the links:

Oyoung WenFeng

Queer in Singapore



Talking Cock

I believe it is good that these people are stepping out into the limelight and particularly brave of the 15 ordinary Singaporeans featured in the second link. The following quotes from the Indian lesbian resonated with me:

"Coming out is an act of courage but you need to support your community by being out too. I needed to do it to help bring my own community as in the Indian community out of the closet and that it's okay"

I am lucky because I am out to my friends here in Australia but I do have some friends back in Singapore who have to lead a secret life, not only to their families but to their friends as well. I don't know how much exposure these articles might get in the media but I am hoping that the press will help to shape positive attitudes when the books are launched. Sometimes, ordinary people can be daily heroes too.

The Wedding Banquet

My baby wants recognition from my family as my lover. My baby says he doesn't want to bear the effects of my not coming out anymore ...

The discussions about my status as a gay son in my family has recently been escalating. Initially, I embark on my usual voyage of denials and affirmations that my parents are not "matured enough" to take the news if I break it to them, and with the encouragement of some friends to do it at my own time, I usually get away with diverting the conversation for some other time.

Yesterday, this topic of intense interest has been sparked by a lecture we attended on gay, lesbians, human rights and marriage issues given eloquently by the Honorable Justice Michael Kirby. During the lecture, he not only discussed the need for us to address the homosexual issues relating to human rights, but also any other minority group facing the same discrimination all around the world. It's not just an issue that affects us, and even though we may not live to see the day where we will universally be loved, we have to work hard together to pave the way for this to happen.

One of the topics that he also discussed was the coming out to the family and how we need to do that so that people around us, our friends, colleagues and families will not longer have the opportunity to declare that they do not know anyone who is gay. We need to be brave and stand out, so that they will understand that fundamentally, we are no different from them, and are not evil spirits within.

I got the message and when the topic was brought up during our dinner again, John brought up the first valid point that really struck home. He has previously likened his experience with me as an invisible lover ... just a flatmate that James spends an incredible amount of time with, but his parents still look forward to the day James will find the right person. He wants to be recognised, even if they are going to shun him (which will be my anticipated reaction), like the way his Mum accepts me as her son's lover. Yesterday, he likened it to being in a relationship with someone for 4 years and he is ashamed to bring me home as his lover.

I'll give him this as his most valid point. If we were in a heterosexual relationship, my parents would probably be planning a weddding banquet now ... the one that I am going to break their hearts and their dreams that they are never going to have one.

My parents love me dearly. Ever since we were young, we have been doted with lots of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, and Dad asking us if we love him back. I thought it was normal or rather common until I realised that my friend's parents hardly touched them. Slowly, it started getting embarassing as we grew older and we confined it within the four walls of our home. I will also always remember promising Dad and Mum that I will look after them when I grow older, which is probably why this integrity makes coming out so difficult.

There must be something in not being honest about my sexuality that feeds this denial. Not wanting to hurt them, shatter their dreams, feeling the anxiety, losing face .... So many points for my home run ... Does my current stance of "cultural differences" still stand as a valid point?

Everytime I go back to Singapore nowadays, I try to be the perfect son. I feel like I am a bad son in my parents' eye because selfishly, I have chosen to live my dream staying abroad, instead of doing my part as a dutiful son. Yes, I have traditional values that I still keep, but that is what defines me. My fundamentality as a Chinese that I am proud of. It doesn't mean that I have to give this up just because I choose to live in foreign soil. I have adopted some Aussie trademarks, but I am still me deep within.

Even though my parents appear strong and wish me well, I know that deep down they are hurting because I am not there. I called my aunt recently and her first response was "Have you come back to Singapore for good?". When I last saw my cousins, one of the elder ones said "Why do you choose to stay away when your parents love you so much. Can't you see that you are hurting them?"

These are guilts that I have to live with. I call them three times a week, I write them "love letters" when I go, and I never forget to let them know how I feel. Still, deep down, I feel like the bad son. My Mum's "We are not going to be around all the time" may sound like emotional blackmail to some, but when your mother says this to you with an aching heart, how can you steel yours?

John says I have to grow up and accept that they are not always going to be happy with my choices and that I don't have to live my life according to them. This is true but I am learning to make my own decisions still. It is my journey to walk and even though I have the love and support of my friends and family, it is my consequence to bear, and that is my crossroad.

We both have our own cases with valid points and I have seen many other couples who have dealt with it before me. Some have lasted much longer than we have, but their partners are still in the closet. Is it that their partners are so generous and understanding that coming out doesn't matter to them, or have they just given up? Is there a balance we can strike?

I know what my coming out can bring. Lots of good and plenty of bad as well. John has confidence that my parents' love for me will eventually shine through, though I wonder if I am ready for this ride yet. Ang Lee's movie "The Wedding Banquet" still rings as the most realistic portrait of interracial relationships (not only for Asians but other cultural groups binded strongly by beliefs).

One of the main reasons why I haven't come out or I freeze at the thought of it is my parent's impression of homosexuality cultivated by the gatekeepers of society. I believe my Mum has stronger intuition than my Dad who is seemingly oblivious. She sees and she probes. I wonder if that is a sign that she knows or she is just getting ready for the revelation one day? With Asians, saving face is the most important thing in their world, so like the parents in "The Wedding Banquet", it will probably remain an open secret within the small confines of my family, if I do come out. Without the society's support, it will remain tough to declare our love but like what Justice Michael Kirby says, we will be the ones that will have to make that bold change.

I think I know that it is a day that is coming soon, and maybe I am working harder towards building the courage for that to happen. Maybe it's the part of me that wants to please, so that I am still lovable that leaves me in a further dilemma. I guess deep down in me, I can still make that wedding banquet dream happen, but with my love instead of what they had envisioned. Isn't my happiness most important?

囍宴就是幸福的开始吗？
那不结婚就不会幸福吗？
粉碎父母的梦想就是不孝吗？
我心慌，我彷徨，
真爱真地能克服万难吗？
面子真比我们的幸福重要吗 。 。 。

Leslie Kee and Akina Nakamori

Image: Courtesy of 乱火from VAMP

I was the one that introduced Japanese music to my friend, Leslie Kee, who is now a famous photographer. I am "the root of the evil" because we became so embroiled in it that our studies were affected. Maybe because we were both trying so hard to fit in somewhere somehow, this avenue allowed us a safe place to hideaway. The best thing is that it has helped us to bond deeper and I am so proud of his every achievement and I hope that I will continue to draw more inspiration from him in my life everday.

Akina is and always has been my favourite. I will never forget a birthday present that I was given by Leslie where he superimposed Akina and my image together in a photostand (he photocopied our images a couple of times till he obtained the right size and proportion because there was no photoshop in the late 80s). It is still sitting in a cupboard in Singapore and everytime I see it, I remember the exhilaration I experienced when I first set my eyes on it.

Until last year, I had never seen her live and thus, when I was urged by friends to offer 3 free tickets to Leslie, I hurried. Alas, due to bad timing and weather, he had to give it up because of a CM shoot with new Japanese superstar Koda Kumi. He told me that he will try his best to watch the last concert on the 8th August with a TV producer but couldn't commit to it. Still I begged him not to miss the concert after reading all the fabulous reviews that our fellow VAMPires had gushed about after they returned home.

2 days had passed and I hadn't heard back, so I assumed that he didn't make it. But I am crying silently now because Leslie has written me an email about him catching Akina's final performance at the Tokyo Forum, and here is his letter ...

Dearest James

Wow, I have to say Akina is a killer on stage.

I have probably seen more than hundreds of concerts in the last 12 years
in Japan, but nobody is like Akina, what a perfectionist on stage, and the
most incredible experience for me, was that all the audience stood up
throughout the entire 150 mins concert !!!

Not even Yuming nor Ayu nor Hikaru's live ever have such response
from the audience, inspite of the mega scale in big halls.

Guess that all your Akina's fans must have already shared with you their
feelings for this The Last Destination Live. Luckily enough was that I
was sitting in the middle, 10 rows from the stage, very very good seat
and her charm and power that night, was just so irresistable !

In her 2nd encore, she sang Momoe's 夢先案内人, Takeuchi Mariya's
September and Slow Motion, which was requested by the audience.
She performed those 3 songs without any music, but so beautifully.
I managed to enter backstage, as I met actress Kanda Uno (who acted
in the drama with her, and is also one of the 300 artists in my book)
and she was very nice to have brought me in. However that night,
according to Akina's record management (Universal Record) , she was
not in the mood to meet anyone, so even Uno has no choice but to
leave without meeting her.

Almost there, so close, but too bad. However I have a great talk with
Universal Record, and began to understand many reasons why Akina
refused so much major offers in the last 10 years of her career.
Akina thinks very deeply, and will only accept projects and jobs if
she feels it. Sometimes it's also about timing.

Please keep on loving Akina - she is such a lengendary Diva, and I
promise you that one day, not very far from now, I am going to photographher with the most amazing beauty which we have been missing from her,for a long time.

By the way, my SUPER STARS Book will be out on 10 November 2006.
Opening party on that evening, at the Omotesando Hills, Tokyo.Another 3 more months from now !

This is such a fabulous review from someone who is not a core Akina fan but who loves and admires her as well and I am so touched by the comments. I feel almost as if I was there watching and screaming with Leslie, which we had not done since 1994 at Yuming's concert with Zing and Kong as well. This is a wonderful testament to Akina's prowess and I can't wait to watch the performance on DVD which I hope will be released. Thank You Akina. You have made all of us fans very happy and extremely proud of you.

More Reviews of Akina's concert on VAMP.

Lastly, for those of you who are in Tokyo on the 10th November, please go and support Leslie on his launch. I am sure you will see many famous artistes there if they are free. Yuming will be writing the foreword/preface for the book, so she might be there too. Thank you lastly to Leslie for keeping my dream alive!!!

Please visit Leslie's website for more information on his upcoming publication and why he is dedicating this book to the unfortunate people who died and suffered during the tsunami 2004.

Tales and Fables

Remember the tales and fables we were told when we were children? Not only those to scare us, like "Don't screw your face up because the wind might change and your expression will stick" or variations of the "bogey-man if we are not good?", but others like "Where did we come from?"

That came up as a nagging thought after I watched the new Australian movie "Ten Canoes", which is also the first to be filmed in an aboriginal language. It is an amazing film that traces the origins of Aborigines and also the fable of a man and his three wives. For Aborigines, they believe that their souls originate "like a tadpole" (the way I remember it) and they hibernate in a pond until their calling, where they enter their mother's vagina. When they die, their souls return back to this pond where they originate and they await their rebirth. It is all about nature and is very spiritual.

The Westerners believe in the tale that the stork would carry a bundle of joy (baby) to their parents and hence their arrival. However, no matter how I searched my memory, I cannot recall a Chinese fable that covers our birth. Maybe I haven't heard it, or maybe I just remember the stork story, but I seriously think there isn't one. Are us Chinese not concerned about how we were born? It could also be that there are so many Chinese fables (my favourite is 画蛇添足） to be told that we never practise the art of questioning, or we have just been told to shut up if we ask too many questions. Ultimately, all I can recall is that I just came to the conclusion in my schooling years amongst discussions with friends that my parents just had sex and created me.

Maybe it is also because I am born in Singapore, a multicultural city that seeks to define its own identity. Even though we are Chinese descendants with our grandparents or great-grandparents migrating from mainland China, we still practise many traditions that might not be celebrated in China today. I read once that migrants bring with them a piece of tradition that is passed down status quo, unaware that sometimes in the land of origin, practices have updated with times. So, was this tale lost in time?

Though the movie "Ten Canoes" is rather slow, it was very authentic and both interesting and puzzling, but I understand that foreigners would feel the same way about my Chinese culture as well. These are the cultural differences that help define us and we should be proud of them. The movie not only allows newer generations of Aborigines to understand a piece of their history but also to be proud of it. Foreigners like me are hence also offered a chance understand them better through this depiction.
For me, the highlights of the movie is ironically, the death ceremony. It is intriguing because the person who is near death has to perform a death dance until he/she is breathless and can no longer continue. Someone else will then dance for them till the dance is over. It is almost like being in the spotlight for the last time while the villagers celebrate your life for the last time. It is very unlike the Western and Chinese culture, which are poles apart to start with.

The Western affair is solemn but the Chinese prefer to mourn in a louder fashion. For Buddhists and Taoists, there will be a more elaborate affair, and the extend of the "extravagance" will depend on the age of the deceased. The older the person is, the longer will the ceremony be held. There will be lots of talking, eating and mahjong playing all through the night, to "scare the evil spirits who want to take the soul of the deceased away". These old wives tales that form the core beliefs of our system.

The deceased in both cases do not celebrate their life in any fashion. They lie silent within the confines of their final resting place. Westerners have eulogies but Chinese don't. They just talk and share amongst themselves and the saddest thing is that not everyone will hear these wonderful stories that may help them to understand this person/relative better.

Tales and fables ... they help to define our core belief systems and structures, which is why it is difficult sometimes not to be superstitious about certain traditions, but do they need updating with times? One of John's favourite is questioning the validity of the word "heaty", which he thinks is preposterous, but to me, defines the way Chinese see their body ... as a temple of yin and yang, the imbalance of which creates illness within the body. It is a concept difficult to them, and equally puzzling to us as to why they can't understand such a simple concept.

If I could change one tradition which seems to be universal, then I would change the way we mourn death. Eulogies are nice, but the dead cannot hear. They deserve to be heard because it can help to change or even save lives. It should be a celebration and we should have such ceremonies at least once in our lives because we all deserve it. My darling John had an appreciation ceremony for his mother in 2001 and they are still talking and reminiscing about it, and one of my best friends and someone I really look up to, Robbie did it recently for his partner's Margaret's 60th birthday. Jokingly, she said it resembled eulogies.There was tears and laughter , and altogether, it was just beautiful. A celebration of love, friendship and souls. I was hesitant about speaking up because I didn't have that much history but I realised after that that many others felt the same way and chose not to speak. I see the wasted chances and will seek courage so that I will do so in any future opportunities.

I remember a time when I worked in Singapore when I would write a farewell/appreciation letter to every person who left the company that I was working at. I will never forget their faces when they read the email/letter and the connections we established. It was pure magic and I wonder where it has all gone now? So, maybe this year, for my 35th birthday, I will ask not for presents, but just a figment of our sweet memories ...