我的根源 - My Roots -

John likes to say that I must have been born a Japanese in my past life. My fascination, friends, idols, loves, desires ... mostly lie in the Land of the Rising Sun. It is not surprising also to read my various posts and deduce my dedication to their pop culture as well.

However, I am Chinese, though many have commented that I do not look like one, which I am not, because my maternal grandmother was a Peranakan (i.e. she has a Chinese father and a mother with Malay blood in her). I have often been mistaken as a Malay in Singapore, especially after my national service, when to the chagrin of my Malay colleagues on my first week at work, found me devouring Chinese food at the canteen (Malays can only consume Halal food - which has been prayed to and specially prepared). They soon figured out, to their utmost surprise, that I am Chinese. Here in Australia, I have also been mistaken as a Vietnamese (most common), Thai (by a middle aged female stranger who came up on the bus to tell me that I am a very handsome Thai) or Filipino. Seldom do I get the "touchdown" that I am a Singaporean Chinese. I should consider myself lucky because I have been blessed, hopefully, with the best of both cultures, but more so because my sister and cousins have been mistaken as Filipino maids in the past when they went down to the provision stores, which made them rather upset.

It may be because nationalism is not naturally strong in Singapore, where we preach and practise multiculturalism, and live harmoniously with each other, that sometimes, we seek outside for the real identity within ourselves. As an impressionable young, I was very quickly influenced by the likes of Japanese music and its pop culture, but at the same time, rooted in me, were my Chinese superstitions, beliefs and values. Though there were times when I yearned to be Japanese, I knew that it was only when I am comfortable in my own skin that I can be truly proud of myself.

My friend, Leslie Kee, is one great inspiration. I was shocked to hear in an interview once that his desire was to promote Asian culture to the forefront of fashion and beauty in the photographic world. In this sometimes myopic world where beauty is defined in Western terms, it is not easy for Asians to have high self images of themselves in the beauty stakes. It may be due to the Western education that I received and books I read that help form this opinion, but I think international beauty pageants in the past seemed to only confirm this "fact".

I was in awe and I did set out to be more aware of my culture and who I am. I know that I have not talked much about Chinese culture or even Chinese pop culture, but it may be because I don't have many friends in the past that I had much opportunity to speak the language with. In my attempts to acculturize myself here in Australia, I started out by throwing myself into the deep end. I refused to join any social clubs in Sydney or at University that would mainly cater to the Asian culture. I desperately wanted to experience this new world, to explore what it was to be like an Aussie. I made some friends after quite a long time, though I found that it was only with my fellow international students that I truly clicked. Somehow, it was difficult to break into the networks that had been built over the years.

It was tedious and frightful ... to throw away one's comfortable life with many friends into this new surrounding and having to start making friends all over again. I am now reaping the fruits of labour but a few thoughts crept into my mind recently in my insecure moments that I still seemed to lack a true network of very close friends that would call me if they ran into any troubles, or just for an idle chat. Thankfully, a few phone calls that week helped to reaffirm my earlier beliefs that I do have my own family here in Australia now. Still, I seem to find few avenues to explore the Chinese in me.

It seemed strange that it would take a new colleague from China that made me realise my Chinese roots. She is a delightful person to work with, and she laughs often when she recalls the first day I gave up training her in English because she was having difficulty understanding me. Since I hadn't spoken Mandarin for long periods, I found it a bit of a struggle, but then again, one does not have to translate many work procedures into Mandarin everyday. I spoke haltingly and had to apologize many times for my poor Mandarin. She smiled and said that I should revert back to English and only try to explain in Mandarin to elaborate a process she did not understand.

Since then, which has been about 2 months, she remarked recently that my Mandarin has improved leaps and bounds. I debated that it was because I was more comfortable and that it was easier to talk idly in the language, which she agreed. Unfortunately, her English hasn't been given as rigorous an exercise as I have been. It is a also delight to discover the differences in our cultures and the similarities, even though we are both Chinese. To clarify various myths, especially the one child policy in China and that it is mostly untrue that most Chinese will find ways to kill their firstborn if she turns out to be a girl. Well, Sophia is the best example because she is the only daughter. With her, I was able to discuss and rediscover my love for Chinese culture. I will still cringe at the bad "obiang" (old fashioned) costumes and the noisy lion dances, but I am remembering the really old Chinese movies that I watched with my mother, my day trip with my paternal grandmother where she brought me to watch two Chinese romantic movies, because I liked them. It all seemed like such a dream but they were so warm and so real, and I was transported, back in time, to that boy of about 7, who was really happy.

Our discussions and quizzes have prompted me to want to introduce more Chinese pop culture into my blog, take trips down nostalgia and explore the dormant part of myself. To be inquisitive and to introduce good Chinese movies that are worth watching, so that others will know that there is more than just the "pugilistic kung fu" movies that I am just so not interested in. I am interested in human relations and the way of life. How events help shape the way Chinese people are, and how Western influences can have on the Chinese culture. It all comes to a full circle with many Chinese traditions and superstitions finding their niche in Western everyday lives as well. Hopefully, through the discussion of these movies, music and experiences, I will be able to introduce our rich Chinese culture, further define my internationality and ultimately, rediscover my roots ... that I am indeed proud to be a Chinese.