In the famous tradition of 紅白(Red vs White), it's Minestrone vs Clam Chowder. Which team will win? Watch them and see ... It helps that it has English subtitles but the entertainer's expressions are also priceless ...
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Another Kind of 紅白 - どっちの料理ショー
I just finished watching this episode of どっちの料理ショー (Dotchi No Ryouri Cooking Show), which was split into 5 parts and I found it too irresistible not to share. For fans of the cooking show "Iron Chef", this looks like a spinoff and though, the main attraction for me initially was three singers in the tasting section, it slowly became a very educational and entertaining exercise. Hope you will enjoy them as much as I did!
Friday, April 28, 2006
堀ちえみコンサート～青春の忘れ物～
Just saw this song list from Chiemi's concert last year from a blog and from the BBS of another site, the DVD is rumoured to be 97 minutes with a 33 minutes of special features (特典). That's quite a good deal for the fans and I wonder why Akina never does that. Apparently, the 特典 will include clips from the other concert which is not the main feature (not sure which is the one but she had two concerts in Osaka and Tokyo last year.
What attracted me to look for the song list is not only because I showed interest in buying the DVD, much to the chargin of my fellow VAMPires (Ha! Ha!), but also because I read on wikipaedia that there was a special guest star during her concert.
I would have thought that if she wanted a special guest star, it would probably be her fellow team-mates from キューティー★マミー - 松本伊代 and 早見優, but you will be just as surpised as I am. In Tokyo, 中村あゆみ collaborated with Chiemi to sing one of my favourite songs 「翼の折れたエンジェル」 ...
If that was included in the DVD, then it would be a great feature to look forward to!!
『堀ちえみコンサート～青春の忘れ物～』
01.ちえみシングルスメドレー ～潮風の少女～夏色のダイアリー～稲妻パラダイス～クレイジーラブ～夢千秒～愛を今信じていたい～
（MC）
02.太陽NO.１
03.暗くなるまで待って
04.T・H・R・E・A・T
05.ストロベリー・ハート
（MC）
06.Jimmy's Girl
07.ミス・ロンリー・ユニヴァース
08.Shoes
（バンド紹介・衣装チェンジ）
09.浮気なリップス（タップダンス披露）
～スライドにてタップの練習風景～衣装チェンジ
10.渚のライオン（ダンサー紹介）
（MC）
11.抱きしめたい
（MC）
12.翼の折れたエンジェル（ゲスト：中村あゆみ）
（MC）
13.さよならの物語
14.東京suger town
15.夏咲き娘
（MC）
16.リ・ボ・ン
＜アンコール＞
17.愛のランナー
18.CHIEMI SQUALL
19.名前を呼んで
Looking at the list of songs, it appears so that Chiemi chose quite a few album songs (maybe one from each album) since this was her first concert since she semi-retired in 1987. I am less interested in those but am happy that she sang some of my fave singles of hers too. To commemorate her collaboration with 松本伊代 and 早見優, she sang two of their songs, which she also included in her cover album last year 「'80s IDOL SONGS COLLECTION」, which I didn't manage to get. I don't mind 「抱きしめたい」 from 松本伊代 that much, not that it's a great song, but I really wonder about 「渚のライオン」, which in my mind, is a really childish song. 早見優 has so many better songs, so I wonder why she chose that ... Still, I think it was good that she sang those covers during her concert. I guess this will be a sentimental rather than rational purchase which I will enjoy regardless of the quality. And now for a short キューティー★マミー performance.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Guilty Pleasures
We all have little addictions that we indulge ourselves in. My vice is CDs and DVDs and I have been more careful recently in not going overboard. A few months back, I decided not to join my fellow VAMPires for an encore of last year's visit to Japan for Akina's concert. I am totally at ease with the decision now, though I had to admit that there was much struggle and anger then. Together, we managed to work things out and I am very happy that I am still going to live through the experience from them who are attending.
Akina has been very active recently, co-starring in a drama 「プリマダム」 and singing the ending theme "花よ踊れ". The new single will be released on the 17th May and all of us Akina fans on VAMP have decided that we are disappointed with the ugly cover and apparently Akina was too, because she replied "不思議" when asked about her first impression. It was a drawing of her when she was dancing at the age of 5/6 years old, but the scale is rather uneven and the colour unflattering. The style of drawing is apparently a big hit in the US right now and as fugly as it is, it will not stop us from buying the CD single.
Her first original album in almost 3 years "Destination" is also due a month later on 21st June, and hopefully, the cover art will be better. Her first record company, Warner Music", is also releasing a limited release deluxe box set "Akina Box", which includes all her albums from her Warner years, from her debut "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Cruise".
At the price tag of ￥37,000, I have given up on this fancy idea and will settle on the individual limited releases that I don't own, which is from "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Possibility". These special re-releases will replicate the style of the original LPs with a deluxe paper cover and album sleeves, which should be most interesting.
Coupled with the two new releases, I will also get three other re-released for the umpteenth time, concert DVDs that I don't own:
(a) East Live 23
(b) Bitter and Sweet 1985 Summer Tour
(c) Live in '88: Femme Fatale
Today, I received an email notice from HMV, that 堀ちえみwill be releasing a DVD of her special concert last year "Memorial Live 2005" at the end of July. I was quite amazed that her record company is rather actively releasing new works considering that her works last year did not sell very well. Her collaboration with 松本伊代 and 早見優 to form the disturbingly named group キューティー★マミー (Cutie Mommy) with their first single 「ミッキーマウス・マーチ（ファミリー・パラパラ・ヴァージョン）」 (Mickey Mouse March) - theme for "Disneyland" (Yes, it's the M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, Mickey Mouse Yah yah yah! song that I grew up with), only sold 1661 copies on its first week's debut at #72 on Oricon.
They are re-releasing the single on the 3rd May including a CD and DVD, and you can watch a cute preview of them dancing on their Avex homepage and download a video of them from the site as well. It's a homage to high camp, but they look great for their age, though thinking of them as 40 year old women and their combined 9 children, dancing in such teenage fashion causes some concern.
Akina has been very active recently, co-starring in a drama 「プリマダム」 and singing the ending theme "花よ踊れ". The new single will be released on the 17th May and all of us Akina fans on VAMP have decided that we are disappointed with the ugly cover and apparently Akina was too, because she replied "不思議" when asked about her first impression. It was a drawing of her when she was dancing at the age of 5/6 years old, but the scale is rather uneven and the colour unflattering. The style of drawing is apparently a big hit in the US right now and as fugly as it is, it will not stop us from buying the CD single.
Her first original album in almost 3 years "Destination" is also due a month later on 21st June, and hopefully, the cover art will be better. Her first record company, Warner Music", is also releasing a limited release deluxe box set "Akina Box", which includes all her albums from her Warner years, from her debut "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Cruise".
At the price tag of ￥37,000, I have given up on this fancy idea and will settle on the individual limited releases that I don't own, which is from "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Possibility". These special re-releases will replicate the style of the original LPs with a deluxe paper cover and album sleeves, which should be most interesting.
Coupled with the two new releases, I will also get three other re-released for the umpteenth time, concert DVDs that I don't own:
(a) East Live 23
(b) Bitter and Sweet 1985 Summer Tour
(c) Live in '88: Femme Fatale
Today, I received an email notice from HMV, that 堀ちえみwill be releasing a DVD of her special concert last year "Memorial Live 2005" at the end of July. I was quite amazed that her record company is rather actively releasing new works considering that her works last year did not sell very well. Her collaboration with 松本伊代 and 早見優 to form the disturbingly named group キューティー★マミー (Cutie Mommy) with their first single 「ミッキーマウス・マーチ（ファミリー・パラパラ・ヴァージョン）」 (Mickey Mouse March) - theme for "Disneyland" (Yes, it's the M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, Mickey Mouse Yah yah yah! song that I grew up with), only sold 1661 copies on its first week's debut at #72 on Oricon.
They are re-releasing the single on the 3rd May including a CD and DVD, and you can watch a cute preview of them dancing on their Avex homepage and download a video of them from the site as well. It's a homage to high camp, but they look great for their age, though thinking of them as 40 year old women and their combined 9 children, dancing in such teenage fashion causes some concern.
Their first performance and meeting fans session:
In Cold Tokyo:
Even 柏原芳恵 is releasing a new single " Ma-Ma/みえない翼" on the 24th May, but I wil give that a miss because I am not interested enough. HMV does not mention "Ma-Ma" as the A-side but her fansite indicated so with the cover (pointed out by Hamu). Thanks!
Lastly, the mother of all these "Let's look younger with every year we grow older" "trend", 松田聖子 is also releasing a box set "Seiko Matsuda", and as much as I enjoy her albums in the 80s, the exhorbitant ￥100,000 price tag is impossible. Her new single and album both titled "Bless You" is due for release in April and May, and surprisingly, the single cover is rather mature, but still non-innovative.
Looking at all these makes me feel really happy that Akina is more comfortable with her age and is allowing herself to age gracefully instead of trying to dress and act cute. To listen to her new Latin influenced dance single, you can visit our site specially dedicated to Akina Nakamori - VAMP, which I am immensely proud to be part of a wonderful and supportive team of VAMPires. Borrowing from my wonderful fellow VAMPire 乱火 who is currently milking his stay in Japan, here are some captures of Akina on television, which I think she looks so beautiful.
So, here are my guilty pleasures that I will be indulging in the next few months and I certainly hope to be squeezing some time for a trip back to Singapore, which I have yet to decide on, because I wanted to time it with Leslie's visit. However, my family has been asking me when am I planning to visit them again, and they don't usually do, so it's a little bitter-sweet because of my current indecisiveness.
Happy Days
Giving is a beautiful feeling. The week before, in conjunction with Easter and a few birthdays within my family, I went on a shopping spree and bought a few things to send back to my family in Singapore. The first place I walked into was this child learning toy shop which was near when we do our shopping and most of its items were on sale, which made shopping rather fun but difficult at the same time. I wanted to settle on a farm and some ranch dolls and animals, but since the toys were rather small, John expressed his worry that my two year old nephew might end up putting them into his mouth.
Not wanting to risk that, though I had a pretty good idea he had stopped doing that, I moved toward another section and saw some jockey dolls on sale. Two female and one male. The price tag of $5 each (down from $20) quickly clinched the deal within my mind, especially when I recalled a conversation with Mom a month back that Joshua was quite fascinated with horses. I looked around for a suitable horse, and there was package that came with one, but it was for the whopping price of $40 for the horse and the jockey. "No way I'm going to pay $35 for a small unimpressive horse like that.", I said to John.
We looked around the shop and found some smaller horses at a cheaper tag, but they were too small for the dolls, and it would have been pointless. I suggested that we moved to KMart, and eventually found a great deal - a rainbow brite looking doll without the ugly rainbow makeup. A good sized, smart looking horse with a full mane, tail and comb, all for $12.50 at KMart. It was a steal and I immediately bought two of them and went back to the other shop for the dolls. Yes, I had to buy two of each because it was my niece's birthday next week and I didn't want them to fight over the one doll. Afterall, they could go horse-riding together. No brokeback moutain adventures, because I got a male and a female jockey, but it would still be lots of childish fun.
Anticipating my mother's "distaste" for such "extravangance", I wrote a note explaining the joys of giving, and my present to her was the gift of their smile and joy. Packed with other goodies like dates and chocolates, I sent the parcel, expecting it to arrive in a week. I received a call in 3 business days at around 8.30 pm (Australian) and 6.30 pm (Singapore) with an invitation to speak on web cam. The web cam has been great, allowing me to see and talk to them in real time and it really eases the loneliness of not seeing and watching them grow up, which is something I am really missing, not only because it is more difficult for me to have children.
My only request for a present was a videoclip of them opening up their presents. Though I didn't get it, and had to see their delighted faces on screen with their presents already opened, I had the pleasure of knowing that Joshua had his mouth wide open when he tore up the wrapping paper (in times, I know he will be taught to open them nicely. Ha! Ha!) and saw the horse. Joy was also equally excited, playing with Joshua immediately. I was also told that they were not crowding around the webcam because they are so excited about their presents and couldn't wait to start playing with them. "It was thoughtful of you to buy two" my sister told me, and the entire episode brought a lot of joy for me. Coupled with our anniversary, the double happiness resonated with me for many days after that.
Not wanting to risk that, though I had a pretty good idea he had stopped doing that, I moved toward another section and saw some jockey dolls on sale. Two female and one male. The price tag of $5 each (down from $20) quickly clinched the deal within my mind, especially when I recalled a conversation with Mom a month back that Joshua was quite fascinated with horses. I looked around for a suitable horse, and there was package that came with one, but it was for the whopping price of $40 for the horse and the jockey. "No way I'm going to pay $35 for a small unimpressive horse like that.", I said to John.
We looked around the shop and found some smaller horses at a cheaper tag, but they were too small for the dolls, and it would have been pointless. I suggested that we moved to KMart, and eventually found a great deal - a rainbow brite looking doll without the ugly rainbow makeup. A good sized, smart looking horse with a full mane, tail and comb, all for $12.50 at KMart. It was a steal and I immediately bought two of them and went back to the other shop for the dolls. Yes, I had to buy two of each because it was my niece's birthday next week and I didn't want them to fight over the one doll. Afterall, they could go horse-riding together. No brokeback moutain adventures, because I got a male and a female jockey, but it would still be lots of childish fun.
Anticipating my mother's "distaste" for such "extravangance", I wrote a note explaining the joys of giving, and my present to her was the gift of their smile and joy. Packed with other goodies like dates and chocolates, I sent the parcel, expecting it to arrive in a week. I received a call in 3 business days at around 8.30 pm (Australian) and 6.30 pm (Singapore) with an invitation to speak on web cam. The web cam has been great, allowing me to see and talk to them in real time and it really eases the loneliness of not seeing and watching them grow up, which is something I am really missing, not only because it is more difficult for me to have children.
My only request for a present was a videoclip of them opening up their presents. Though I didn't get it, and had to see their delighted faces on screen with their presents already opened, I had the pleasure of knowing that Joshua had his mouth wide open when he tore up the wrapping paper (in times, I know he will be taught to open them nicely. Ha! Ha!) and saw the horse. Joy was also equally excited, playing with Joshua immediately. I was also told that they were not crowding around the webcam because they are so excited about their presents and couldn't wait to start playing with them. "It was thoughtful of you to buy two" my sister told me, and the entire episode brought a lot of joy for me. Coupled with our anniversary, the double happiness resonated with me for many days after that.
Happy 4th Anniversary
Thursday marked the 4th Anniversary of our love. It was really difficult to believe that 4 years had flown by because many a times, the love still feels so fresh. I am a firm believer of "make believe it's your first time", so that there is no such social term as "the honeymoon period" is over, and it works with us.
I think we are very lucky to have each other and are able to feel this way because I know that there have been times in past relationships when the "honeymoon" was over, but we are able to sustain it this time. We are officially celebrating it in two weeks when we fly to Melbourne for a three day holiday and I am looking forward to it. Melbourne is a city that I fall in love over and over again whenever I am there. Maybe it's the Victorian structure of the city and even though it's about an hour and a half flight away, it has the feel of London/Europe (though I have not been there but have seen lots of pictures on it) and I always sink into the holiday mood immediately.
I love the sidewalk cafes and the feel of being a "tourist", the eyes that sees and appreciates things that citizens have taken for granted, and even if I had been to the same place before, it sends an air of nostaglia that brings forth the emotions of a first time ... I know I will fall in love all over again, with the place and the person I have been with for the past 4 years.
It is easy to take for granted, what we have in life because it is there, but we have been very lucky to indulge in positive appraisals of each other, so that the other is never left feeling unappreciated. I think this is an important ingredient to any relationship success and it applies to friendship as well. We have been honest and kind, and I have learnt so much, not only about relationships, but about life itself, and how much love we have within ourselves.
A person can inspire us to give more than they think they can. It's the mind that stops us with the "social norms" that there is a limit or we will get hurt, but the standard prevents us from moving ahead, from exploring the impossible and from ultimately achieving beyond. John is one such person to me, and I just wanted to say "Thank you once again for all the lovely times and the hard ones. I look forward to the next phase of our life and I love you dearly"!
I think we are very lucky to have each other and are able to feel this way because I know that there have been times in past relationships when the "honeymoon" was over, but we are able to sustain it this time. We are officially celebrating it in two weeks when we fly to Melbourne for a three day holiday and I am looking forward to it. Melbourne is a city that I fall in love over and over again whenever I am there. Maybe it's the Victorian structure of the city and even though it's about an hour and a half flight away, it has the feel of London/Europe (though I have not been there but have seen lots of pictures on it) and I always sink into the holiday mood immediately.
I love the sidewalk cafes and the feel of being a "tourist", the eyes that sees and appreciates things that citizens have taken for granted, and even if I had been to the same place before, it sends an air of nostaglia that brings forth the emotions of a first time ... I know I will fall in love all over again, with the place and the person I have been with for the past 4 years.
It is easy to take for granted, what we have in life because it is there, but we have been very lucky to indulge in positive appraisals of each other, so that the other is never left feeling unappreciated. I think this is an important ingredient to any relationship success and it applies to friendship as well. We have been honest and kind, and I have learnt so much, not only about relationships, but about life itself, and how much love we have within ourselves.
A person can inspire us to give more than they think they can. It's the mind that stops us with the "social norms" that there is a limit or we will get hurt, but the standard prevents us from moving ahead, from exploring the impossible and from ultimately achieving beyond. John is one such person to me, and I just wanted to say "Thank you once again for all the lovely times and the hard ones. I look forward to the next phase of our life and I love you dearly"!
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Sequel To Brokeback Mountain (10 Years After)
A beautiful sequel written by a person named Steven on another board for lovers of the movie. It was so moving that I just had to share it with all of you - a most fitting end to a classic:
JACK TWIST
Driving north was proving to be long and lonely.
Bobby had never really understood why his father, Jack Twist, was willing to make this 1400 mile trip two or three times a year. He knew that the attraction was not his grandparents up in Lightening Flat.
His daddy wasn't all that fond of going home, and had never once taken Bobby to meet them. Oddly enough, they never came to Texas either.
So much of his daddy's life had seemed mysterious to Bobby.
He knew one thing though; his daddy loved him, although he never said so--western men don't--, and he had loved his daddy. He still thought of him and missed him even though it was now ten years since his death.
Wyoming seemed to Bobby an awesome place. He was used to Texas where everything and everyone was bigger than life. Here in Wyoming everything really was big but seemed so tight, so claustrophobic. He felt the sense of something coming, but he didn't know what.
His mother, Lureen Newsome Twist, had died just three months earlier. Thankfully, the cancer had taken her quickly and she didn't suffer much. He always felt like she was so unhappy beneath it all. She was so successful with the company that they had become quite wealthy. She knew her way around a business—it was people she didn't seem to get, especially one Jack Twist.
Bobby remembered all the times with his daddy—riding in the tractors, riding horses, tutoring him for school (although Bobby realized he knew more about math than his daddy). Jack had a sense of life about him Bobby could not forget.
That was part of the reason he was making this trip. He needed to know his daddy better and now was finally the time.
When his mama was ill she had opened up more and told him many things. She told how she and Jack met at the rodeo and how part of the attraction had been that she knew her own daddy would hate him. She talked of her regret about doing that to Jack but also it was clear there was more to the story—she did love him and still did.
She proceeded to prove her love and her forgiveness for Jack in ways Bobby was yet to understand. After all, that was the unspoken purpose of this trip.
One day Lureen had instructed Bobby that he should go to meet his grandma, if she was still alive. She added, "You need to go to Riverton and look up Ennis Del Mar. He was your daddy's only real friend."
Riverton came first on the road so he decided to try to find Mr. Del Mar before going to Lightening Flat.
Riverton was a true "one horse" town. It was small, dusty and seemed lonesome sitting between the surrounding mountains. One small post office, one hotel and one grocery store.
He decided to ask at the grocery store if they knew of Mr. Del Mar. The store wasn't very busy but it was clean and neat, looked like it was lovingly cared for. He asked the cashier if she knew of Ennis. The cashier said she thought the manager just might.
She summoned over a beautiful woman in her mid twenties, blonde hair and deep brown eyes, who looked at the stranger and found herself immediately struck by him. He was tall, had deep brown hair and piercing blue eyes that both seemed to dance and be full of loneliness.
"Bobby Twist, ma'am. Pleased to meet you"
Jennifer hesitated, still a little stunned by the eyes of this Man, and "I'm Jennifer Del Mar. How can I help you?"
"Did you say Del Mar?" Bobby said, not believing his luck on both counts. "Do you know an Ennis Del Mar?"
"That's my daddy".
Jen felt her body fill with a kind of excitement but she didn't know why.
"Well, that's the man I'm looking for. I'm Jack Twist's son."
Jen suddenly felt a rush of feelings as she remembered thoughts of Jack Twist. It was a name she heard infrequently but often enough to remember. It had an odd energy attached to it. She knew her mama, Alma, didn't like to talk about him. He was a fishing buddy of daddy's.
“I remember meeting your daddy once—just for a few minutes—seemed like he just drove up and drove off again" said Jen, thinking of that time when Jack came up just after the divorce. She thought about how sad her daddy was after he saw Jack that day—she remembered he paced all night that night and didn't sleep. She had never seen him so unhappy.
"I would like to meet your daddy if I can", asked Bobby.
"Sure. Let me see if he is at the house. He is out visiting my sister and her kids. Your timing is good. He lives up in Lightening Flat. Usually up there."
***
When Ennis put down the phone, he looked as is he had seen a ghost. Alma Jr. asked, "Daddy what's wrong—was that Jen? Is everything O.K.?"
Ennis couldn't quite answer. He sat down and felt a rush of memories flood his awareness. He saw Jack standing before him like he looked on that first day they met. He saw the vision of what he believed happened to Jack in the end. He thought of the bloodstained shirts hanging in his house.
"Daddy?" asked Alma again.
She put her arm around him sensing something very upsetting. "Tell me what is going on".
Ennis' eyes filled with tears, but he refused to let them flow down his face.
"Jen is coming over and bringing someone, name of Bobby, Bobby Twist"
That was all he needed to say to Alma.
A long time ago she had put the carefully camouflaged pieces together and knew that Jack Twist was the love of her father's life, although she never told her daddy she knew.
"Oh daddy, are you OK?"
He could neither look at his daughter nor accept her compassion. It would be too much, even though he suspected that she knew and understood in some way—he had thought so for years, ever since she came up to Lightening Flat when Jack's mother passed.
Jack's son.
Ennis had wondered if he would ever know him. He longed to know how he was, to let him know that he was not alone in grieving his father.
Nevertheless, Ennis never could take the chance of intruding on Lureen's life. In addition, he was sure he wouldn't be welcome. For so long he had wanted to have this day come.
When Jen pulled up in Bobby's truck, Ennis's heart raced so hard he thought he was having some kind of attack, but he knew what his feelings were on this day, not like so many years before with Jack standing before him.
"Mr. Del Mar, I'm Bobby, Bobby Twist".
Ennis couldn't believe what he saw. It was like Jack standing before him. Bobby was so close to Jack physically that it stunned Ennis. He shook his hand and Bobby could feel Ennis shaking as he grasped his hand.
"I've been looking forward to meeting you. My mama told me you were my daddy's only true friend. It’s an honor to make your acquaintance."
Ennis knew Jack was somewhere, looking down, sending out a big "yeehaw!!”
"So you're that boy of Jack's". Ennis felt like he sounded stupid but he could barely talk.
They all went into the house, Alma got them some coffee, and they talked all together for a while, Alma taking the lead and Jenny catching on that they needed to help their daddy out.
Finally, Bobby asked about Ennis' life in Lightening Flat.
Ennis took a deep breath, "I live on what used to be your grandparent's ranch. Your grandmother gave it to me before she died".
"You know I never knew them, my grandparents".
“I know. Your grandma just hated that, but that was how it had to be", replied Ennis. He realized now that Jack was somewhere out there, behind all of this, bringing them together. He heard Jack's voice - “Be a daddy to my boy Ennis—you need each other".
***
They went to Lightening Flat together that next day.
Ennis had worked hard to pull the place together. He had done this in Jack's memory and to honor what he came to know was his deep, consuming love for Jack. That feeling was as strong now as it had ever been. If only he had realized that would be true when he had Jack alive and with him—"Jack, I swear…"
Somehow, Bobby came to understand all he needed to know about his father through Ennis. He also came to understand the truth about Ennis and Jack. He had no judgments and no recriminations to offer for he saw how true the love remained in Ennis' heart. And Bobby grew to love Ennis as he would a father.
Ennis put his heart and soul into being a father to Bobby and to taking care of the ranch. Bobby made sure Ennis had all he needed to make the ranch the best place it could be. For Bobby, this was to honor his grandparents, his daddy, and the man he came to understand loved his daddy more than life itself.
As the years passed, Bobby also found himself in love with Jenny. They married and had a boy named Jack Jr.—just as Ennis insisted, for they had tried to name him Ennis. The ranch ran well under their love and care. It became the showplace of how a ranch ought to be run in these parts. They were all proud.
Ennis died just after Jack Jr. turned ten.
He and Bobby took Ennis' ashes and the silver urn from the mantle that held Jack's remaining ashes and left for Brokeback Mountain. Ennis's will left them very specific directions to a spot that overlooked a campsite by a stream, long since unused.
Together they took the ashes, lovingly mixed them together for eternity and spread them just as Ennis directed.
As they did, Bobby and Jack Jr. saw two young cowboys on a hill in the distance ride away together, in a slow peaceful gait, with the sound of an off-key harmonica in the wind.
JACK TWIST
Driving north was proving to be long and lonely.
Bobby had never really understood why his father, Jack Twist, was willing to make this 1400 mile trip two or three times a year. He knew that the attraction was not his grandparents up in Lightening Flat.
His daddy wasn't all that fond of going home, and had never once taken Bobby to meet them. Oddly enough, they never came to Texas either.
So much of his daddy's life had seemed mysterious to Bobby.
He knew one thing though; his daddy loved him, although he never said so--western men don't--, and he had loved his daddy. He still thought of him and missed him even though it was now ten years since his death.
Wyoming seemed to Bobby an awesome place. He was used to Texas where everything and everyone was bigger than life. Here in Wyoming everything really was big but seemed so tight, so claustrophobic. He felt the sense of something coming, but he didn't know what.
His mother, Lureen Newsome Twist, had died just three months earlier. Thankfully, the cancer had taken her quickly and she didn't suffer much. He always felt like she was so unhappy beneath it all. She was so successful with the company that they had become quite wealthy. She knew her way around a business—it was people she didn't seem to get, especially one Jack Twist.
Bobby remembered all the times with his daddy—riding in the tractors, riding horses, tutoring him for school (although Bobby realized he knew more about math than his daddy). Jack had a sense of life about him Bobby could not forget.
That was part of the reason he was making this trip. He needed to know his daddy better and now was finally the time.
When his mama was ill she had opened up more and told him many things. She told how she and Jack met at the rodeo and how part of the attraction had been that she knew her own daddy would hate him. She talked of her regret about doing that to Jack but also it was clear there was more to the story—she did love him and still did.
She proceeded to prove her love and her forgiveness for Jack in ways Bobby was yet to understand. After all, that was the unspoken purpose of this trip.
One day Lureen had instructed Bobby that he should go to meet his grandma, if she was still alive. She added, "You need to go to Riverton and look up Ennis Del Mar. He was your daddy's only real friend."
Riverton came first on the road so he decided to try to find Mr. Del Mar before going to Lightening Flat.
Riverton was a true "one horse" town. It was small, dusty and seemed lonesome sitting between the surrounding mountains. One small post office, one hotel and one grocery store.
He decided to ask at the grocery store if they knew of Mr. Del Mar. The store wasn't very busy but it was clean and neat, looked like it was lovingly cared for. He asked the cashier if she knew of Ennis. The cashier said she thought the manager just might.
She summoned over a beautiful woman in her mid twenties, blonde hair and deep brown eyes, who looked at the stranger and found herself immediately struck by him. He was tall, had deep brown hair and piercing blue eyes that both seemed to dance and be full of loneliness.
"Bobby Twist, ma'am. Pleased to meet you"
Jennifer hesitated, still a little stunned by the eyes of this Man, and "I'm Jennifer Del Mar. How can I help you?"
"Did you say Del Mar?" Bobby said, not believing his luck on both counts. "Do you know an Ennis Del Mar?"
"That's my daddy".
Jen felt her body fill with a kind of excitement but she didn't know why.
"Well, that's the man I'm looking for. I'm Jack Twist's son."
Jen suddenly felt a rush of feelings as she remembered thoughts of Jack Twist. It was a name she heard infrequently but often enough to remember. It had an odd energy attached to it. She knew her mama, Alma, didn't like to talk about him. He was a fishing buddy of daddy's.
“I remember meeting your daddy once—just for a few minutes—seemed like he just drove up and drove off again" said Jen, thinking of that time when Jack came up just after the divorce. She thought about how sad her daddy was after he saw Jack that day—she remembered he paced all night that night and didn't sleep. She had never seen him so unhappy.
"I would like to meet your daddy if I can", asked Bobby.
"Sure. Let me see if he is at the house. He is out visiting my sister and her kids. Your timing is good. He lives up in Lightening Flat. Usually up there."
***
When Ennis put down the phone, he looked as is he had seen a ghost. Alma Jr. asked, "Daddy what's wrong—was that Jen? Is everything O.K.?"
Ennis couldn't quite answer. He sat down and felt a rush of memories flood his awareness. He saw Jack standing before him like he looked on that first day they met. He saw the vision of what he believed happened to Jack in the end. He thought of the bloodstained shirts hanging in his house.
"Daddy?" asked Alma again.
She put her arm around him sensing something very upsetting. "Tell me what is going on".
Ennis' eyes filled with tears, but he refused to let them flow down his face.
"Jen is coming over and bringing someone, name of Bobby, Bobby Twist"
That was all he needed to say to Alma.
A long time ago she had put the carefully camouflaged pieces together and knew that Jack Twist was the love of her father's life, although she never told her daddy she knew.
"Oh daddy, are you OK?"
He could neither look at his daughter nor accept her compassion. It would be too much, even though he suspected that she knew and understood in some way—he had thought so for years, ever since she came up to Lightening Flat when Jack's mother passed.
Jack's son.
Ennis had wondered if he would ever know him. He longed to know how he was, to let him know that he was not alone in grieving his father.
Nevertheless, Ennis never could take the chance of intruding on Lureen's life. In addition, he was sure he wouldn't be welcome. For so long he had wanted to have this day come.
When Jen pulled up in Bobby's truck, Ennis's heart raced so hard he thought he was having some kind of attack, but he knew what his feelings were on this day, not like so many years before with Jack standing before him.
"Mr. Del Mar, I'm Bobby, Bobby Twist".
Ennis couldn't believe what he saw. It was like Jack standing before him. Bobby was so close to Jack physically that it stunned Ennis. He shook his hand and Bobby could feel Ennis shaking as he grasped his hand.
"I've been looking forward to meeting you. My mama told me you were my daddy's only true friend. It’s an honor to make your acquaintance."
Ennis knew Jack was somewhere, looking down, sending out a big "yeehaw!!”
"So you're that boy of Jack's". Ennis felt like he sounded stupid but he could barely talk.
They all went into the house, Alma got them some coffee, and they talked all together for a while, Alma taking the lead and Jenny catching on that they needed to help their daddy out.
Finally, Bobby asked about Ennis' life in Lightening Flat.
Ennis took a deep breath, "I live on what used to be your grandparent's ranch. Your grandmother gave it to me before she died".
"You know I never knew them, my grandparents".
“I know. Your grandma just hated that, but that was how it had to be", replied Ennis. He realized now that Jack was somewhere out there, behind all of this, bringing them together. He heard Jack's voice - “Be a daddy to my boy Ennis—you need each other".
***
They went to Lightening Flat together that next day.
Ennis had worked hard to pull the place together. He had done this in Jack's memory and to honor what he came to know was his deep, consuming love for Jack. That feeling was as strong now as it had ever been. If only he had realized that would be true when he had Jack alive and with him—"Jack, I swear…"
Somehow, Bobby came to understand all he needed to know about his father through Ennis. He also came to understand the truth about Ennis and Jack. He had no judgments and no recriminations to offer for he saw how true the love remained in Ennis' heart. And Bobby grew to love Ennis as he would a father.
Ennis put his heart and soul into being a father to Bobby and to taking care of the ranch. Bobby made sure Ennis had all he needed to make the ranch the best place it could be. For Bobby, this was to honor his grandparents, his daddy, and the man he came to understand loved his daddy more than life itself.
As the years passed, Bobby also found himself in love with Jenny. They married and had a boy named Jack Jr.—just as Ennis insisted, for they had tried to name him Ennis. The ranch ran well under their love and care. It became the showplace of how a ranch ought to be run in these parts. They were all proud.
Ennis died just after Jack Jr. turned ten.
He and Bobby took Ennis' ashes and the silver urn from the mantle that held Jack's remaining ashes and left for Brokeback Mountain. Ennis's will left them very specific directions to a spot that overlooked a campsite by a stream, long since unused.
Together they took the ashes, lovingly mixed them together for eternity and spread them just as Ennis directed.
As they did, Bobby and Jack Jr. saw two young cowboys on a hill in the distance ride away together, in a slow peaceful gait, with the sound of an off-key harmonica in the wind.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Brokeback Mountain in a Nutshell
For those who have yet to watch this movie, here is a wonderful and moving introduction to it. For those like us, we have, it's a sad but beautiful reminder of what was and what could have been ...
Let it be a lesson to us all - don't let your true love pass you by. It's always better to know than to wonder ...
Let it be a lesson to us all - don't let your true love pass you by. It's always better to know than to wonder ...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Happy Birthday Leslie!!!
誕生日おめでとう!!
Happy Birthday my dearest friend. It is always so nice to hear from you and an even greater treasure when we get to speak. It has been a long time and it's great to know that you are doing so well because we are all so proud of you and your achievements. You continue to be an inspiration for us all!!
I will be sharing some old photos when I get home earlier but right now, I wanted to wish you all the best and happiness in all areas of your life. I couldn't wish it for a more deserving person! On top of that, I want to share what you shared about your new projects so that your fans will know what is going to happen very soon.
Besides photographing the new jacket for 松任谷由実's new album "A Girl in Summer", Leslie is currently working on his newest project "Superstars - We Are The Asian", which is an extensive feature starring 250 top Asian superstars, past and present. His workpage currently features around 130 names but they are still working on adding more soon. His friend and idol, 松任谷由実 will be writing for the book, and he has spent more than 160 days photographing these Asian superstars. At last count, there will be 130 from Japan, 50 from HK, 40 from Taiwan, and a few representatives from the other South East Asian regions. Each star will be given a 2 page spread and no favourtism will be shown because the setting and lighting will be the same for everyone. This will be the first of its kind in the world. His aim is to bring all these stars along to share the same vision with him, and I think it is a wonderful idea for him to showcase Asian talent and beauty to the world.
Leslie has disclosed that he is flying back to Tokyo and meeting Seiko Matsuda this weekend, when she flies back from NY to record her new album. He has approached Seiko about appearing in "Superstars" but Seiko wants to look at his portfolio and discuss more about the project before signing on. Like many other superstars, there is a concern that they might be outdone by someone else.
He also mentioned that he has approached Akina twice through her record producer (I can't remember the name) for this project and has twice been rejected by Akina. The reason for declining is that Akina has decided more than 10 years ago to stop participating in group projects and will only focus on mini-projects. Leslie said that even though he has not met her, "She is the most DIVA person I know." Thankfully, he does not hold any grudges against Akina because he knows that it is important for a star to stick to their principles and he respects that.
Akina has also came back and said that she is interested in being Leslie's model if he is interested in shooting individual projcts and Leslie has promised that he will do it definitely after this major feature. He is naturally disappointed because even Yuming-sama says "Of course Akina should be in it!" Even her "Primadam" co-star (not Kuroki Hitomi) but another female actress (who used to be professional ballerina), who is featured in "Superstars" has taken on the initiative and encouraged Akina to do it. She said that Akina is very nice off-screen but she wants to focus on acting well in this drama, and mini-projects for her fans. So, Leslie has given up on Akina appearing in "Superstars" even after I asked him to ask again.
Well, "Superstars" will be launched on 8th August, 5/6 years after his first picture book "Present". Leslie will be touring and holding exhibitions from August till December in 5 countries and I can't wait to be there congratuling him in person. Stay tuned ...
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Religion and Myself
I have never been brought up to be religious. Besides the usual offering of respects to our ancestors at home and the trips to the temple, I have never been exposed, like my Christian and Catholic counterparts, to weekly mass or scriptures, like the Bible. My parents were Taoists, or Buddhists, which is the more general term, and thankfully, in many ways, they never forced religion upon us. I will never forget what Mum said one day that we are allowed to eat hamburgers and beef products (due to restrictions from religious beliefs) because we are still too young to decide which religion we want to follow. Though they had some reservations when my brother deviated from the "family tradition" and became a Methodist, they were fine with it after a while.
Coming out hence, was not too a painful process as opposed to a struggle. Deep down, I had my suspicions for some time, and every time when someone acted upon it, I chose to shy away quickly and prevented anything remotely serious from going further. I was safe in my little haven. Imagining and creating little fantasies of me and someone desirable being together, little mundane things that heterosexual couples do, which I could live out in my dreams. Strangely, I never imagined about the sexual bits and I was happy just creating saccharine sentimental scenes. It was fun, safe but ultimately unfulfilling because it was not real. Behind these facades, I was happiest when I was living outside myself.
Australia allowed me the chance to fly. To adopt a totally new personality and take on a new approach in life. I could have chosen my familiar route, but I deviated. It was not an easy decision because many of my fantasies were crushed very quickly and my heart was broken a couple of times ... for real, but I would never ever trade these painful experiences to carry on living my fantasies. I was living for the first time. I was loving someone openly for the first time. I was having my heart officially broken and I could talk and cry over it with someone real for the first time. No more imaginary friends, no more scenes for me to fake. The pain was real and the experience was enriching.
Looking back today, I am rather thankful that I wasn't "bogged" down by more dilemmas like religion. I want to start off by saying that I don't have any problems with it. Like the Dalai Lama, I believe that there should be one religion for every single person because there is no one belief that suits everyone entirely. People need something to believe in and to hold on to, for faith and hope. If it makes them a better person, then I am all for it.
What I don't like that much are the interpretations that have been magnified. Religions usually preach about love and acceptance for everyone, but I find it ironic that it is those who teach/talk most about it, that are the worst offenders. Would there be the word "minority" if everyone just loved and accepted everyone for who they are. Would there be names to differentiate everyone according to class, system, colour, preference?
The reason why I am bringing religion into today's equation is because I have two close friends (maybe more that I don't know of) who are closeted homosexuals because homosexuality is at odds with their religious beliefs. Like most of their religious counterparts, they see it as a sin, and their "deviations" something that they will be punished for, when they finally meet God. I know of friends who have struggled with growing up, and found God who led them the way to being who they are today, and they are very grateful for this. The dilemma starts when they fear that this "sick" but irresistible homosexual thoughts will bring them down ultimately because that would be a totally unacceptable way to repay the God that redeemed them when they are down in the troughs. They can deny it all they want but their hearts know the truth. They may have come close to tasting the forbidden fruit and succumbed to such temptations, but when they bring themselves out of this "trap", they punish themselves even more. Like a merry go round, these events will "haunt" them again and again all over their lives.
Why is God always painted as mighty beings that we are fearful of? Why are we taught to love Him/Her but are only loved back when we do just as our religious scriptures prescribe? Any deviations and we become sinners and must be punished. Isn't the dilemma and the contemplation painful enough? Isn't living a lie miserable enough? Why do we want to make it easier to hate ourselves even more? Why would God create us to be who we are? Isn't it easier for everyone if we were just carbon copies of each other? Why can't they see that the God who rescued them with His/Her love and acceptance will do the same this time around?
Life is full of choices and contradictions. If anyone thinks that homosexuality is something that strikes like lightning, and we wake up one day with that limp wrist and thinking of living our lives with the same sex, then they are in for a rude shock. There are endless struggles within ourselves to accept and love ourselves for who we are. In our minds, we are so unlovable because we are different. I didn't need religion to let me know that it was not the accepted thing. I felt dirty, unwanted and unloved, not only by everyone else but also myself. I couldn't find a strand of love in me to accept and love myself for who I am. Why am I created this way? Why can't I feel the love for girls like everyone else? Why does everyone seem to pick on me? Do they know I'm gay? God! What if they find out? What will happen to me?
Why should anyone in their right mind want to live their lives around a big fat lie and subject ourselves to scrutiny and accusations? Do you think it was comfortable for us to lie constantly to our friends and family in the belief that somehow this lie will iron itself out as the truth and like lightning, we will become "normal" or "common", and we will find the love once again? Every time I chat with a friend or someone who is still closeted, all the memories flood back. I have been there, and I feel I can help, but I know that I can be defenseless against the mighty force. I have had discussions with some of my religious heterosexual friends, who accept and love me for who I am, and I am thankful that they can say that many of these "beliefs" are interpretations of man, and sometimes, power gets in the way of the over zealous leaders preaching their own agenda instead of God's true sermon.
In my mind and I do believe in the existence of God, I believe that if God created me for who I am, then I must be loved just like my other counterparts, no matter how different we are. I may make mistakes like most people do, but homosexuality is not a choice in life and hence not a mistake. The only choice, and I stress again, is honesty. To live an honest life and being true to myself. To accept and love myself for who I am, and only when I am at peace with that, can I feel God's love once again. God is approachable, like most religious people know, but not only when we are good. They are there when we are bad because when the guilt comes, it is when we need them more. Someone to believe in and who will let us know that we are fine. As long as we are not doing something that harms someone else, then we are not doing anything wrong.
There can be an interpretation that we are harming our family with our honesty but I do not see that. I understand that they have their dreams of seeing us leading the same path that most of them have walked on. The dreams of marriage, children and how happiness can only be achieved when we have all these "luxuries" in life. Yes, they are luxuries because they offer love and support, but if we can't even love ourselves, where will true love come for others? We have our own life and our own dreams to live and create. We cannot live our life fulfilling someone else's dream so that they can be happy while we are miserable. To live a dishonest life is one of the most miserable things in life. My parents may be unaware of my homosexuality because I have chosen not to confront this with them right now. It is in part the traditional Chinese/Asian way to keeping things peaceful but also that education about homosexuality and AIDS is not widely available in Singapore. There are still many misconceptions about the suicidal tendencies and the contraction of AIDS in the country and the strict gatekeepers do their jobs well. John constantly reminds me that it may be my "task" to educate them and all I can say now is "Someday ..." I am not living with them right now, so it would be unfair to lay it on my siblings to have to cop that inevitable rage and confusion.
Wwhat I want to say is that coming out, no matter how many times I do it, to friends and strangers, is still a struggle and painful decision to make. If it was accidentally exposed, it sets my heart beating 100, 1000, 1 million times faster because I am afraid. Fearful that I will not be loved and accepted. Afraid that all that good work that I have done and put into our friendship will just go down into the drain because they realise the fact that I am not who they think I am. Whether or not it is the fact that their dreams about me have been shattered or the dishonesty, I may never know. All I know is that it is painful but life goes on ... and most of the times, it gets better with time.
I love and treasure my family and my friends very much, so like many others, I shield my painful truth from them, but I know at the same time that there is no liberation. I can never be as free to be and that is the price I pay. For my two or more closeted friends, I feel your pain and your struggle. Though it is of less intensity, I want to be that ear and the light at the end of the tunnel for you. It is not going to be easy but each baby step that you take towards honesty makes life more bearable, and it can be easier than you think it is. Just think of being able to speak to everyone like you speak to me. To be loved and accepted by many others just like I have been subjected to.
It is this love and acceptance that has helped me grow and I am still taking little steps and learning everyday. I want to share this because I want to challenge mind sets. To allow people unlike us to understand the dilemmas and struggles we have to go through in life. For every decision they have to make, be it be a purchase or a life choice, be it facing an unwanted pregnancy, having kids when they didn't expect or any other life/death matter), I want you to know that we live this discomfort every day. It is not trivial because many people do think of death before coming out. Death is the easier choice because there is no life and consequence to live after the decision about honesty is made about our life.
You may not outwardly know anyone who is gay but they could be closeted. Hiding from you because they are afraid that they will not be accepted or loved by you. They could be very lonely and like anyone, just needs a smile and a hand of true honest friendship. We are all "hidden" amongst all of you, come in all sizes, shapes and colour, and do not cross dress most of the time. We do not all speak in high pitched voices or dress nicely or fashionably as well. However, like all your heterosexual counterparts and all living things, we need love. For my dear closeted friends, I just want to say that you are lovable. I love you just the way you are, no matter how bad you think you are and how no one can love you in that state, I am there.
I still have my journey to walk on but I am less afraid because not only do I have the love and acceptance of my dear friends and some family members, but more importantly, from myself. It is only when I have cleared the muddy space in my heart that love can grow once again ...
Coming out hence, was not too a painful process as opposed to a struggle. Deep down, I had my suspicions for some time, and every time when someone acted upon it, I chose to shy away quickly and prevented anything remotely serious from going further. I was safe in my little haven. Imagining and creating little fantasies of me and someone desirable being together, little mundane things that heterosexual couples do, which I could live out in my dreams. Strangely, I never imagined about the sexual bits and I was happy just creating saccharine sentimental scenes. It was fun, safe but ultimately unfulfilling because it was not real. Behind these facades, I was happiest when I was living outside myself.
Australia allowed me the chance to fly. To adopt a totally new personality and take on a new approach in life. I could have chosen my familiar route, but I deviated. It was not an easy decision because many of my fantasies were crushed very quickly and my heart was broken a couple of times ... for real, but I would never ever trade these painful experiences to carry on living my fantasies. I was living for the first time. I was loving someone openly for the first time. I was having my heart officially broken and I could talk and cry over it with someone real for the first time. No more imaginary friends, no more scenes for me to fake. The pain was real and the experience was enriching.
Looking back today, I am rather thankful that I wasn't "bogged" down by more dilemmas like religion. I want to start off by saying that I don't have any problems with it. Like the Dalai Lama, I believe that there should be one religion for every single person because there is no one belief that suits everyone entirely. People need something to believe in and to hold on to, for faith and hope. If it makes them a better person, then I am all for it.
What I don't like that much are the interpretations that have been magnified. Religions usually preach about love and acceptance for everyone, but I find it ironic that it is those who teach/talk most about it, that are the worst offenders. Would there be the word "minority" if everyone just loved and accepted everyone for who they are. Would there be names to differentiate everyone according to class, system, colour, preference?
The reason why I am bringing religion into today's equation is because I have two close friends (maybe more that I don't know of) who are closeted homosexuals because homosexuality is at odds with their religious beliefs. Like most of their religious counterparts, they see it as a sin, and their "deviations" something that they will be punished for, when they finally meet God. I know of friends who have struggled with growing up, and found God who led them the way to being who they are today, and they are very grateful for this. The dilemma starts when they fear that this "sick" but irresistible homosexual thoughts will bring them down ultimately because that would be a totally unacceptable way to repay the God that redeemed them when they are down in the troughs. They can deny it all they want but their hearts know the truth. They may have come close to tasting the forbidden fruit and succumbed to such temptations, but when they bring themselves out of this "trap", they punish themselves even more. Like a merry go round, these events will "haunt" them again and again all over their lives.
Why is God always painted as mighty beings that we are fearful of? Why are we taught to love Him/Her but are only loved back when we do just as our religious scriptures prescribe? Any deviations and we become sinners and must be punished. Isn't the dilemma and the contemplation painful enough? Isn't living a lie miserable enough? Why do we want to make it easier to hate ourselves even more? Why would God create us to be who we are? Isn't it easier for everyone if we were just carbon copies of each other? Why can't they see that the God who rescued them with His/Her love and acceptance will do the same this time around?
Life is full of choices and contradictions. If anyone thinks that homosexuality is something that strikes like lightning, and we wake up one day with that limp wrist and thinking of living our lives with the same sex, then they are in for a rude shock. There are endless struggles within ourselves to accept and love ourselves for who we are. In our minds, we are so unlovable because we are different. I didn't need religion to let me know that it was not the accepted thing. I felt dirty, unwanted and unloved, not only by everyone else but also myself. I couldn't find a strand of love in me to accept and love myself for who I am. Why am I created this way? Why can't I feel the love for girls like everyone else? Why does everyone seem to pick on me? Do they know I'm gay? God! What if they find out? What will happen to me?
Why should anyone in their right mind want to live their lives around a big fat lie and subject ourselves to scrutiny and accusations? Do you think it was comfortable for us to lie constantly to our friends and family in the belief that somehow this lie will iron itself out as the truth and like lightning, we will become "normal" or "common", and we will find the love once again? Every time I chat with a friend or someone who is still closeted, all the memories flood back. I have been there, and I feel I can help, but I know that I can be defenseless against the mighty force. I have had discussions with some of my religious heterosexual friends, who accept and love me for who I am, and I am thankful that they can say that many of these "beliefs" are interpretations of man, and sometimes, power gets in the way of the over zealous leaders preaching their own agenda instead of God's true sermon.
In my mind and I do believe in the existence of God, I believe that if God created me for who I am, then I must be loved just like my other counterparts, no matter how different we are. I may make mistakes like most people do, but homosexuality is not a choice in life and hence not a mistake. The only choice, and I stress again, is honesty. To live an honest life and being true to myself. To accept and love myself for who I am, and only when I am at peace with that, can I feel God's love once again. God is approachable, like most religious people know, but not only when we are good. They are there when we are bad because when the guilt comes, it is when we need them more. Someone to believe in and who will let us know that we are fine. As long as we are not doing something that harms someone else, then we are not doing anything wrong.
There can be an interpretation that we are harming our family with our honesty but I do not see that. I understand that they have their dreams of seeing us leading the same path that most of them have walked on. The dreams of marriage, children and how happiness can only be achieved when we have all these "luxuries" in life. Yes, they are luxuries because they offer love and support, but if we can't even love ourselves, where will true love come for others? We have our own life and our own dreams to live and create. We cannot live our life fulfilling someone else's dream so that they can be happy while we are miserable. To live a dishonest life is one of the most miserable things in life. My parents may be unaware of my homosexuality because I have chosen not to confront this with them right now. It is in part the traditional Chinese/Asian way to keeping things peaceful but also that education about homosexuality and AIDS is not widely available in Singapore. There are still many misconceptions about the suicidal tendencies and the contraction of AIDS in the country and the strict gatekeepers do their jobs well. John constantly reminds me that it may be my "task" to educate them and all I can say now is "Someday ..." I am not living with them right now, so it would be unfair to lay it on my siblings to have to cop that inevitable rage and confusion.
Wwhat I want to say is that coming out, no matter how many times I do it, to friends and strangers, is still a struggle and painful decision to make. If it was accidentally exposed, it sets my heart beating 100, 1000, 1 million times faster because I am afraid. Fearful that I will not be loved and accepted. Afraid that all that good work that I have done and put into our friendship will just go down into the drain because they realise the fact that I am not who they think I am. Whether or not it is the fact that their dreams about me have been shattered or the dishonesty, I may never know. All I know is that it is painful but life goes on ... and most of the times, it gets better with time.
I love and treasure my family and my friends very much, so like many others, I shield my painful truth from them, but I know at the same time that there is no liberation. I can never be as free to be and that is the price I pay. For my two or more closeted friends, I feel your pain and your struggle. Though it is of less intensity, I want to be that ear and the light at the end of the tunnel for you. It is not going to be easy but each baby step that you take towards honesty makes life more bearable, and it can be easier than you think it is. Just think of being able to speak to everyone like you speak to me. To be loved and accepted by many others just like I have been subjected to.
It is this love and acceptance that has helped me grow and I am still taking little steps and learning everyday. I want to share this because I want to challenge mind sets. To allow people unlike us to understand the dilemmas and struggles we have to go through in life. For every decision they have to make, be it be a purchase or a life choice, be it facing an unwanted pregnancy, having kids when they didn't expect or any other life/death matter), I want you to know that we live this discomfort every day. It is not trivial because many people do think of death before coming out. Death is the easier choice because there is no life and consequence to live after the decision about honesty is made about our life.
You may not outwardly know anyone who is gay but they could be closeted. Hiding from you because they are afraid that they will not be accepted or loved by you. They could be very lonely and like anyone, just needs a smile and a hand of true honest friendship. We are all "hidden" amongst all of you, come in all sizes, shapes and colour, and do not cross dress most of the time. We do not all speak in high pitched voices or dress nicely or fashionably as well. However, like all your heterosexual counterparts and all living things, we need love. For my dear closeted friends, I just want to say that you are lovable. I love you just the way you are, no matter how bad you think you are and how no one can love you in that state, I am there.
I still have my journey to walk on but I am less afraid because not only do I have the love and acceptance of my dear friends and some family members, but more importantly, from myself. It is only when I have cleared the muddy space in my heart that love can grow once again ...
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