Acceptance

I look in the mirror and what do I see? On a good day, I smile. On most days, contrary to belief, I look and I hear the little voices in my head mentally pointing out the imperfections. I travel back in time to the days when I was plump and didn't have good self image. The boy at 15 was starring back at me.

It was not all bad, because I developed empathy. I understood what it felt like to be a minority, to be unpopular in class because I wasn't a sports freak. I was just ignored. There was a scene from the first mainstream Hollywood movie "Making Love" I watched last night that brought back some old memories of my early to mid schooling years. It was a group of men playing basketball and half of them were topless to differentiate between the teams. I remembered that it was the way we did at school as well, and because I was a little insecure with my self image (Yes, I was plump), I hated to be in the team that had to take off their shirts. I not only felt naked and exposed, but I felt terribly ugly and fat. Not that anyone in particular was watching, but the overpowering voice in my head kept reminding me and I folded my arms at any opportunity I could to savage whatever little pride I had left. To make things worse, I had boy-boobs. I was ashamed and even though they might now be the object of attraction/affection, it was difficult to accept them then. Being made class monitor didn't help either, it only isolated myself more from the acceptance I craved. Was it the acceptance from others or just plain self acceptance? Are they mutually exclusive?

I believe the lines are blurred because they compliment one another, though self acceptance is far more important than from others. I read a post from my dear friend, Danny Bunny, not long ago about how he needed to trim off the fat from his slim belly with photos and circles drawn to highlight the "problem areas". I identified with that immediately because it was an image that I play in my mind quite often, but when faced with the reality that someone else was doing the same, I was rather mortified because I could be honest and slam that annoying voice in my head that we are somehow, imperfect.

I know it was something that developed while I was growing up, which is why I now know that I won't do it to any child, and am educating my sister and parents of the possible effects it may have on my two little darlings, who in my mind, are perfect just the way they are. I know I am not alone and even when there are times when I accept myself and my self image, that I am not going to develop that bulging six pack because I love food too much to starve, someone can come back with a casual remark and crush me immediately. So, do we reach a point when we attain self acceptance and the opinions of others don't mater?

What about being gay? It's like having two things to deal with instead of just one. It took some time (maybe 10 years or more), for me to accept myself as a gay man and decide to do something about it. Thankfully, my coming out to Australia helped me to expedite and normalise the experience because it was tough for me to come out in Singapore. Family non-withstanding, I felt that I had many other people, like my friends to answer to. In some ways, I felt I had to work harder for their acceptance and it was just easier getting some new friends and starting anew.

It wasn't an easy process, accepting myself for who I am and then "seeking approval" for it. Pubs and clubs didn't provide that for me because of the passing trade but close friends, surrogate families and my partners here eventually helped me to be comfortable in my own skin. Being in the Mardi Gras Parade and the importance of having it and being part of it, helped me to see myself as being desirable and accepted as well. It was the acceptance of others that helped ease the way for self acceptance to gradually occur. To normalise all my crooked thinking that somehow, there is something wrong with me ... and ironically, it is also through my self acceptance too, that I can pave the way for others to accept me for who I am.

The recent Mardi Gras Parade was my 5th attendance, and it was more special this year because besides John, I had 4 heterosexual friends with me, 3 of whom I would call part of my family here in Australia. It is their age, wisdom and acceptance that makes the dream possible that my family and relatives can one day just accept me for who I am like these wonderful people have ... Anne, Margaret and Robbie.

I won't talk about the Parade, but you can look at the pictures to know that it is a glitzy affair. Beautiful faces, bodies, costumes, a fiesta and a celebration of unity and acceptance. Looking at some of the floats and the people on it made me realise this year that it was not only about gay, lesbian or transgender people, because our float had plenty of heterosexuals, but about minorities. About people amongst us who feel that they want to be listened to and to be respected. In this current world where they like to shut down and silence the non-conformists, this is a powerful statement about acceptance.

I dressed down this year but I was also afraid of a repetition of the two "small belly" remarks I got last year as opposed to the 30 positive, and isn't it funny how the negative ones stayed with me more than the positive. I have read another blog, which made me realise that even if I do attain that perfect body image that the criticisms might still remain. Ultimately, there might not be a win-win situation. Through "The Power of Now", I have also realised that the voice/mind is working overtime to poison our thoughts and it is only when we shut them up, that we start receiving honesty and acceptance. I believe I am making baby steps and with every journey in life, I learn more about self acceptance and its importance.

I am writing this because I know I am not alone in it and may still struggle on bad days, but it is important to normalise, to talk about it and accept it. That there is nothing wrong about being physically imperfect because there are more important things in life like love and giving. We all have our little idiosyncrasies and insecurities, and if we can accept ourselves for who we are, and accept others for who they are, then we are all going to move ahead to a better place, and bring people along to where we all should be. Maybe we should all take a leaf out of my friend, Raymond, who starts off every day by staring in the mirror and saying "You're gorgeous! I love you."

I also have to send a special Thanks to my partner John, for squashing all those nasty thoughts and for loving and supporting me when I am at my lowest points. And where would I be without my network of friends and family wherever you are (even my web friends), for being there whenever I need them as well. Life is indeed enriching because of your presence in my life.

Mardi Gras Photos: Flickr