Peace of My Mind: May 2008

I had intentions for this piece to be "broadcast" on Mothers Day, but then I thought again because "Everyday should be Mothers Day". There shouldn't be a day where we should forget the sacrifices our parents made to take care and nurture us towards who we are today.

As I review the old Japanese series "Oshin", I started realising the things that my mother gave up to take care of us in the prime of her life. I am sure she had dreams that she wished to fulfill and maybe motherhood is one of them, but I understand now the frustrations she felt when we played truant and were naughty during our childhood. Yes, we were just being children, but we never did spare a thought for them too.

My mother was a full time housewife, stuck in a job 24 hours 7 days a week, without any annual leave. Compared with the women nowadays who have jobs to give them a break away from three growing children, I believe she worked harder. Since we were not terribly well off, Mum had to work part time as a seamstress at home, a trade she mastered in, and took care of us at the same time. There was rarely a time I recall that she could just sit and watch TV, without a care. She was always on the sewing machine, singing along to the sweet tunes of the radio. Occasionally, she allowed us to go out to the corridor and play with our neighbours, her only "break" from us demanding some form of attention some how or rather.

My mother was used to hard work. She always told us stories of her struggling childhood and teenage years, which we clung onto every word. She told us of how poverty after World War II caused my grandfather to lose his bicycle shop and how they struggled to make ends meet because they had nine children to feed. Sometimes, they were so poor that they didn't even have rice for all, just thin rice porridge, and by the time my grandmother scooped her share, there was only water left. Yes, my mother was an observer.

Being the third child in the family, the first six being all girls, she had to give up her studies when she was only fourteen because her family could no longer afford to send her to school. She loved and cherished studying, so she never forgot to remind us the importance of knowledge and studying. She used her own life lessons to remind us this when we rebelled against "studying all the time". She had to start working at the young age and gave up her dreams of a better life for herself so that her siblings after her could have an education. She never grumbled or blamed anyone for her plight. It was the state of life, she would say.

Her "losses" in life probably drove her to remind us of the opportunities we have, and not to give them up. She was a disciplinarian but then again, never shy to shower affection on us. We were not typical "Asians" in this way because our parents openly hugged and kissed us, which I realised when I started school that we were different because our friend's parents never touched them.

She taught me many lessons in life, many of which that I hated at that moment, but I am eternally thankful now, because I believe they have made me a better man. For this and all, I can't express my love and appreciation for it enough.

Growing up, she restricted television watching because she said it was a waste of time and we should spend our time studying or reading. We would rebel and read comics sometimes, but when she caught us giggling, a stern warning would follow. If we wanted to watch TV, she would say that since our hands were free, we can help her cut the loose thread from the sewing that she has done, or we can count and fold the clothes that she has just sewn.

Though they were not particularly fun (all that thread cutting), it offered us a break from studying, so TV was sometimes a sweet compromise, though we'd get bored of cutting thread and preferred going back to studying. She never denied us food though because she said that no matter how poor we are, we can save on everything except food. Though MacDonalds was a luxury for us, our sweet father tried his best to bring us out occasionally for a meal as well. We were mindful though, so we never asked for more than what we couldn't afford. Somehow, I guess we knew, and so we cherished all the smallest outings we went on.

She was a "feminist" of her times too. I remember her telling the three of us when we were growing up that there is no such rule as "the women do all the housework". "Since you boys are stronger, you will do more housework and run more errands than your sister", she said. We hated it then, but I am laughing as I am writing this. When we moved to a bigger house, she would also make us wipe the floor on all fours because the mop wasn't "clean enough".

I didn't understand her style of discipline then and some may think it is cruel but I know now that it made us stronger and better. She let us get used to hard work so that we would never be afraid during the tougher times, not give up as easily and never to take things for granted.

Growing up, it is never easy to understand why parents do certain things and why they like to lecture us so much, and it is easy to lose sight of their love if they don't say "I love you" but I will never forget one incident. I can't remember the exact incident which caused her fury but she declared to us "Okay. I will do whatever I want now, and I won't care about you kids anymore. Let's see how much you like it."

The next day, she cooked dinner and did everything as usual, but when she finished cooking, she didn't usher us to the table. We had to scoop our own rice at that point so nothing was different, but we soon realised the difference. Instead of making sure we had the best bits of the fish and meat by filling our bowls, she tucked in first. It was a shock to me and I remembered looking at my sister, both of us a little surprised, and we laughed, probably out of discomfort. It was at that moment I first realised the greatness and love of my mother, and I have never forgotten it since.

She continues to an inspiration as we grow older. She feels it is a shame to let others know that she took evening classes at the age of 50 to brush up her Mathematics and learn English so that she can understand the language, but I love her never dying spirit to learn. A couple of years ago, she finally fulfilled her dream of graduating from a recognised institution, and though she puts it down as just general studies, I still think it is a great achievement and an inspiration. We don't sing the praises of our parents enough, so I wanted to do it today.

I know many people question my filial piety by my decision to stay in Australia and not be by my parents, but I believe I am a better son this way. I believe I lay sufficient guilt on myself everyday that I am "punished" enough. I may not be with her everyday, but there is not a moment that I do think of her and love her. My thrice weekly phone calls may not be sufficient, but I do not think one has to be beside each other everyday to show our love. I used to be there and I have to admit that I can't be more of a stranger. We talk now in a more honest fashion than we would never do if we ever lived together.

We all need to grow in our way and space, and I love her more for giving me this freedom to be. This is the greatest gift that she can give to me, and I thank her for her sacrifice and her love. With this mindset, I will always cherish the moments that we spend together and will do my best to shower my love back on her and my father.

I am eternally thankful for your love, my dear mother. Thank you for all the life lessons and love you have imparted. Life may not have been perfect growing up, but I wouldn't want it any other way. Thank you and I love you very much.

母亲啊，母亲。
您的爱与牺牲可真伟大。
细看“阿信的故事"感触良多，
发现女人（您）为家庭的牺牲与贡献。

母亲啊，母亲。
小时不懂事与顽皮，让您辛苦了吧，
希望那时代也过有让您愉快的时光。
您俩的细心教导与爱护，
虽然当时可能不明白，
但现在可让我们回味无穷。

母亲啊，母亲。
原谅我现在不能天天陪伴，
可我这真心对您这份厚礼
永不忘怀，
让我用我有生的爱来感激。

母亲啊，母亲。
让我们每天都歌颂对您的爱与恩惠，
不需等到佳节才趁机感谢。

母亲啊，母亲。
我代表我们三兄妹
在此高歌永远感激与爱您。

The other love of my life, Joshua, is a natural charmer. He communicates a lot more and certainly knows how to use his best assets to his advantage. He is so loving and clever and he says the cutest things all the time as well.

His ears are very sensitive and he hates really loud sounds/noises. At Joy's first piano recital, he turned to my Mum who was sitting next to him while the teacher was playing a piece rather loudly and said "Po Po (Grandma), can cry or not?". My Mum, a little surprised and oblivious to the pain he was suffering, said "No. Cannot." He nodded his head in silence and when he couldn't take it anymore, burst out laughing. Even Joy could recite this incident later on the phone to me.

It is so wonderful to see him grow into a more confident little boy and I can't wait to see or hear what "new sayings" he has up his sleeve the next time I see him. This is Joshua's journey:

Now, onto the videos. The first is one of Mum feeding Joshua spicy curry at the age of one. He has a better appetite than Joy does as a baby, and would jump up and down for more. There are moments of realisation that the food is a little hot, but he digests it all, and then asks for more. The slight scratching of his head is the spice getting to him. Marvellous!