Happy Birthday My Little Brother

Happy Birthday Julian.

This feels like a follow up on the "failures of my youth as a brother" series. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was probably unconsciously jealous of the closer relationship you had with Jen. I remember vaguely trying to shower my love on you as a baby because you were unanimously known as the cutest in the family and how everyone would try to pick you up and kiss you, and how you hated every minute of it. Mum used to tease that I have the scars to show on my face, which in some ways, didn't really help in my already low self esteem, but that was in some ways, my "futile" attempts to love you.

In my attempt to fit in with my friends, I may have neglected you as a brother when you joined the same school as I did. It may also be an subconscious attempt to shield you from their nasty behaviour including their ability to influence and conquer the minds of the others in my class, and to ostracise. I hated being so weak and so "untalented" in the things that mattered (like soccer) and having the riches to show off then, so I didn't want them to have an extra reason to pick on you. My shame alone was enough for me to bear, a misfit in this world then finding solid ground to stand on. I also felt that you probably enjoyed being yourself, not as my brother, so my "ignorance" might have been a preferred solution.

I remember our younger days with fun, laughter and tears. Fun with us playing all the time, and sometimes working too, helping Mum with cutting off the loose thread off the sewing that she had to take on to help with the family finances, and I remember that you were always the best at that. The days when you would learn a new slang at school and come back and tease me about it. Remember the "fat chicken" comment that you picked up, and how we used it on each other, until Mum stormed in, told me the correct meaning of the word, and how we nodded in silence that we were never going to use it again, only to signal it in silence when she left. How we used to be caned for being naughty, and how you would always find her hiding places and throw all the canes, and look in glee while she frantically searches for one. The sweeping of the cane under the toilet doors while we cling onto each other in fear. It's all pretty funny now, but not then. ;-)

The day you decided that you were going to be a Methodist was also the day that I felt my young brother had grown up and I have lost that mischievous boy that I lovingly call my brother. I had to look at you differently because you dared to stand up to Mum and declare your difference and indifference to Grandma's wishes. Bless her that she never knew or Dad will never get over her nagging. I love you for daring to be different and I can only hope that this decision gave you the freedom to be who you want to be because I will always love you for who you are, no matter what you choose to be.

You took on a more stoic stance and lost all that mischief that used to define you, in my mind. Our friends find it impossible to believe that you were the playful one that we were growing up because I felt that you seemed to take on the role of the elder brother with this new found religion.

Still, I thank God and my lucky stars and you came over to Australia to study after me, because it was my first opportunity to fulfill my wishes as a big brother to you. I enjoyed those intimate conversations and times we had, and as little as they were, I thank you for accepting me for who I am. I wish we had more opportunities to grow our relationship, and I know I am partly to blame for the current "stagnant" stage, so I am trying to make a change.

I also want to thank you for your sacrifice in going back to Singapore and I want you to know that you will not be left alone with the duty of looking after our folks. I will definitely do my part. I also hope you will be able to rediscover your true loves and work in the field that you truly desire to be in, where your passions lie, because you are so talented in art. If you can free yourself of the responsibilities you tie yourself down with, and dare to dream a little, you may be able to take that on as a course to start off, and then eventually your career. It's not that I am not confident that you will excel in your current work, but that I hopefully know you well enough to know what you'd rather be doing.

I may have spoken too much, but I believe I can only take these baby steps to get to know you better. To get a key to your heart and allow you to feel safe enough to confide in me someday. For now, I will just be thankful that you will allow me to do this slowly, without slamming the door in my face.

You are a wonderful brother. You may not express your love as openly as I do, but you probably feel just as much love, if not more, and I want everyone here to know that you have your own way of doing so, and I respect that. I admire your integrity and loyalty to the family and your friends, and your dedication to make all our lives better, even if it means sacrificing some aspects of your own. This is one of your greatest virtues, and I am honoured to have you and Jen as my siblings. To be able to grow up in such an environment of love, I am both very lucky and also very unlucky, to be unable to make quick bucks writing about my "poor" childhood, like some famous authors have.

Thank you for everything you have brought to my life and I can't wait to see how our story spans. For your birthday, I am wishing you love, happiness and luck in everything you set out to do and be. Spread your wings my little brother and embrace love. Be less afraid of falling because Jen and I will always be there to catch.