Parenthood

I hate to stereotype but Western and Eastern styles of parenting do differ. I grew up under strict parenting. There were no curfews but there might just well have been. No TV after a certain time, no romances, no playing with your friends and neighbours ... study study study. It was drilled into our minds early in our childhood that we had to study hard and aim to get to university. I was not encouraged to be an artist, policeman or fireman. What I was told was to aim to be a lawyer or a doctor. Not that it really influenced me in that way, just look at how I turned out.

It was not only the societal values in Singapore and the competitive environment that drove my parents into this style of thinking but more so because my mother did not have a chance to receive an education she deserved. Being born in poverty after World War II and in a family of 11, she had to give up schooling after starting a year or two in secondary school. Her parents could no longer afford to send her to school which was why she had to give up her dreams. Her appetite for learning was not crushed because of this and in many ways, she wanted to make sure that her children were not disadvantaged in that way. Even if she had to take on several jobs, I am sure she would have made sure that we had the best education.

I don't think she was resentful, maybe a little, but she definitely envied her younger sisters who went on to desk jobs instead of being given limited choices in life like being a seamstress. Though she lost out on an education, she is always eager to learn and even picked up English and Mathematics again in her late 40s when we were all grown up and she could fulfill her dream once again.

Back to us, we had tuition when we were younger to help us with our studies. Everyone did in Singapore, so she had to make sure that we did so too. I hated it because it meant more homework on top of what school had offered, so I think I rebelled, especially after she decided upon my tuition teacher's advice to throw away all my Japanese magazines that I had collected. I was crushed and I hated her for that.

I don't think I realised her good intentions, though I still ache for that memorabilia, till after I finished my "O" Levels (which is the secondary school leaving certificate) and realised that I had limited options because I had not studied hard enough. That was probably when I discovered that this woman was right. It was not too late because I did work hard and scored reasonably well, but it was not the right course for me because I wasn't interested in the subject. However, it was proof to myself that I was capable of anything I set my mind to. It was only when I stumbled upon Marketing that I found my passion and could finally make her proud.

Looking around me and the styles of Western parenting, I wonder if I would have benefited more from it. On one hand, I think a little freedom would have been very beneficial, but at the same time, I am thankful that my parents drilled the importance of education to me. Without their encouragement, I would never have discovered the joys of reading and now writing. With these skills, I develop imagination and the ability to dream and engage in interesting conversations with people, not only through intellect, but heart. I could have been a boring person which would really be a "crime".

I look at my sister parenting, and I realised that in many ways, she is walking down the same path that my parents did, and I am mindful that I have to give her support and encouragement, and at the same time advice on "letting go" sometimes. It's a tough gig and I think she has the added responsibility of knowing that she should give them every opportunity she can afford, even if it means volunteering her services at the primary school so that my nephew and niece can gain entry into the prestigious school. That is how crazy the system is. However, I need to keep my little darling's interest at heart and let my sister know that it is just as important that they enjoy it, and not find it laborious, which would take all of the joys out of life.

In comparison with some of my Western counterparts, they have a lot of freedom to do whatever they want. I am honestly very shocked to hear that some parents even give her children "permission" not to complete their high school, so that they can realise their own dreams. I understand that this is true love in allowing our loved ones the freedom in life, but at the same time, will they gain resentment when they hit the glass celling and realise their limited opportunities in life due to the lack of education?

There is no right or wrong with parenting because we have to adapt to the child's style as well, which we sometimes forget, but I think it is a topic for discussion. I am thankful for the parenting I received but I have to be mindful that I cannot force it upon others to have the same values.