"Mr Big" in Our Lives - 片思い Part II -

Last Sunday at the pool while sunbaking, I was chatted by a fellow swimmer, who turned out to be a Chinese fashion designer. Once he realised I could speak Mandarin, he started spraying his life philosophies on "Love and Relationships" at me. After a few disappointments, especially in his last relationship, he is now jaded and prefers to be single.

I didn't offer any of my opinions. I just quietly listened and nodded at times, allowing for the conversation to flow like a lecture. Why he chose to say those things I don't know? Was he trying to warn me or did he try to make small conversation with such heavy opinions? Unfortunately, he wasn't that interested in knowing who I was, or he would have realised that he is wasting his time.

I have met people like him and maybe I was naive then, but I tried to convince them otherwise. They persisted but I am happy to say that sometimes, it just takes the right person to change that. I look back at my romances or fantasises and wonder how some would have turned out, if I had just made the "right move". I told my story to my dear friend, Dani, and he says that they are the "Mr Bigs of our lives", and everyone has them.

Mine happened at university. I was rather "blind" then. Thinking back, there must have been a few of them who were interested but I was oblivious. Maybe I wasn't physically attracted to them. The funniest thing is that during my 2nd and final year at uni, I fell for two "straight" guys. They were undeniably one of the hottest in the faculty and they were in some of my classes. Interestingly, they were polar opposites. Both gorgeous but R was dangerous while D was proper.

I will always remember the first day I set my eyes on R. He walked into my 6 pm Marketing class which I had no choice but to take because I wasn't available for the earlier classes. I was dreading it until he appeared. It was surreal because he seemed to float through, smiling at the lecturer and then nonchalantly taking a seat in class. It was almost like how one would see James Dean walk by the screen. So effortless yet so sexy. I soon noticed that I wasn't the only one looking because whenever he came to class, which wasn't very often, heads turned in his direction.

I fell hard in lust but all I really wanted was to get to know him. During the first mid term exam, I purposedly sat in front of him, and after we walked out of the hall, he said "So, what did you think?" I turned around like an idiot wondering if it was me he was talking to, and I even said (I think) "Me?". The rest is history.

We talked, we walked, we said goodbye. From then on, I kept notes for him when he never attended class and called to see if we could meet up so that I could pass him the notes. In many ways, I was like a shy school-girl. One common topic that binded us was our passion for Japan. We talked about it and he asked me what I thought about being an exchange student. I encouraged him to do so, so that we could have more opportunities to meet.

Funnily enough, a friend who later turned out to be my tutor felt the same way too, and it was coincidental that the person that we both swooned about, turned out to be the same person. Secretly, I think we were both envious of each other though we never did let that affect our friendship.

I will always remember a night when after we had drinks and when he took off in the bus, I waved and said goodbye. He mouthed it and then planted his palm on the window like they did in "Titanic" as the bus drove away. I smiled. I think that was the last time I met him.

It was pure kataomoi (crush) but my heart always raced whenever I see him. I think he could have experimented (or rather my friend thought so because heterosexual guys don't do coffee) but it was probably the wrong time. I never saw him again after we went on to 3rd year because he was apparently expelled.

D, on the other hand, was a Jewish hunk. He had a great body, beautiful face but no girlfriend. I first noticed him staring at me weirdly in class and this would happen not only once but almost all the time. I enjoyed the attention but I think I was waiting for R, so I didn't do anything.

One incident that I was still puzzled happened at the computer lab when I sat one seat away from him typing away at my report. There was an empty seat apart but from the corner of my eye, I saw him staring at me. After 5 or 10 minutes, he finally spoke and asked me something trivial. Unfortunately, I was still too smitten by R then to take on the "cue", and even though we would stare at each other in class, we never found the courage to take a step further. I wonder why he spoke that day? We shared the same him for a coffee?

I saw him again on a bus once after we both graduated but he alighted soon after. I think he recognised me but he never allowed me that pleasure of knowing.

They are both cases of beautiful "what if's ...". They could be life lessons for me then to know when not to let a good thing go later in my life. I am now happily married to the love of my life but like Mr Big in Carrie's life, they will always be beautiful "could've beens".

单恋是痛苦的，
但回忆时是甜美的。
一生要单恋几回，
才有真正的勇气去爱一个人。