明日 - Tomorrow -

This time tomorrow, I will be in sunny Singapore. Away from the cold winds of Sydney, definitely the chilliest Winter I had experienced in my past 8 years.

This time tomorrow, I will hopefully be embraced by my two little darlings, who have only been exposed to me through web-cams and brief telephone conversations over the past year.

This time tomorrow, I will definitely be back in my parents home, mine since 1984. All of us back under the same roof ...

Different though, is the times that have changed. I believe I will still rediscover shades of my teenage years in that apartment, just like I do every time I return. Remembering the times when we first moved in, and how we had progressed since. The colours, the furniture, the ambience, the changes ...

The memories as I leaf through my belongings in my desk drawers. They probably bear the fingerprints of my mother, who must have longed to throw them, but resisted because they are the exact reminders of my previous presence. A never dying hope that someday I will come back to this house.

I am 4 hours away from taking the flight and I am in full anticipation of the rigours before the joy. Yes, I despise the journey, the dislike for turbulence, which John soothed me by asking me to think of it as bumps on the road. I have eventually resorted to just plain praying for it to be over and the combination works.

This trip physcially seems no different from the others I have taken from the past, but I seem to walk with more courage this time, and yet more fear as well. There are revelations that might occur on this trip, not yet to my family, but maybe to some friends. New negotiations for our friendships, which I view as an open opportunity to deepen our relationship.

There is trepedation because renegotiations are tricky, but I can't always live a lie. There are rocky paths that need to be walked on before freedom of soul can occur. If they love and care for me as much as I do for them, then such a difference should not affect our friendship.

What stopped me in the past is their denial. One described it as painful and unbelievable because they wanted to imagine the love in my writings as someone they can associate themselves with ... a female. Another who calls me her best friend once described it as "worse than murder" even though she was counselling someone who is gay that she actually empathised with.

Besides that, is a friend who chanced upon my blog and another who I have not met for 10 years. and I wonder if we would pick up from where we left it last, or progress as deeper friends as honest revelations flow, like we had over the past months.

What I do know from this trip though is that I will be enjoying it. The fruits of my labour. My mother once said when I was a tyrant teenager that no one would befriend me if I kept it up. I don't remember if I was just seeking attention or rather discovering my sexuality and having to suppress it, that led to the angst, but her words crucified me. It changed me because I swore to prove her wrong, and even today, I am still very moved and surprised when my old friends take special time out to meet up when I am back. Maybe it is the utopian image of me in their minds that make change more difficult. I am after all, just a human being in need of love too.

Thank you my dear friends, whom I used to say define me as a person, but I would now say refine my life because I understand that it is ultimately up to me to be. Without you, my life would just be an empty canvas. As for my love, you are the strength that I have everyday, in constant encouragement for me to live my life to the fullest.

What tomorrow brings ... is a mystery to some, but for me, there is joy, and with this joy, brings the courage to face the challenges of tomorrow ...

回新在迹，感慨万分。往常的好友能接受今日的我吗？
如果没有诚实的真，就没有新的突破。
生命不求完美，求真实，才能过得有意义。
今天的我若选择快乐，那明日的我就会有更勇敢。