The Shock Of Honesty

Honesty is shocking, which is why it is much easier to lie. I am not rehashing my previous argument on honesty vs kindness, because I have now come to realise that it also takes maturity to practise kindness as well.

We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.

I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.

I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.

My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.

In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.

I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.

Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.

For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.

What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.

Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.

I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.

So, to my friend and perhaps in some degree, myself, we need to congratulate ourselves for not choosing the easy path. It would have been a hollow victory if we had chosen to lie and lived on as we used to. To demand that we indulge in the discomfort helps us break new ground in all areas of our lives.

I had promised myself that when I started this blog that I wanted it to be different, something that I am proud to call mine. In baring my feelings, I am daring myself and writing about what I know. A writer can only be original with the material he know best, and my feelings are my sole property. Hence, if there are people who want to think that it is dangerous or that I have to share this here because I have no friends that I can discuss this with, then I think that it is quite sad. It is the act of sharing that brings joy, not only to others who might be experiencing from similar contradictions and might feel lost and lonely, but ultimately to myself. The gift of love and honesty ...