爱的代价 - The Price Of Love -

I had waited for almost 13 years to watch this film. Strongly recommended by one of my best friends in 1994, it was an art house flick I bought about a year ago and I don't understand why took me this long to finally play it. The movie is "Centrestage" or known as "The Actress" in some other parts of the world.

Starring Hong Kong's most successful and recently voted as the last Century's best Chinese actress, Maggie Cheung, this role marked the beginning of a luminous career for her. She is my undoubtedly my favourite actress who started off her career winning 1st runner up position in the 1983 Miss Hong Kong Pageant, and then going on to be a semi-finalist (the first Chinese) in the Miss World contest that year. I remember clearly when she was voted Miss Photogenic and was the (my) hot favourite for the crown, only to be pipped by the winner, who is now a virtual unknown. Starring in mainly bimbo roles after her successful Miss World stint, she was finally offered more serious roles in 1988, where out of nowhere, she walked away with her first Best Actress win at the Taiwan Golden Horse Awards -金馬獎 - (Chinese equivalent of Oscars) for her performance as one of the 3 women in the movie "Full Moon In New York" 《三個女人的故事/人在紐約》.

Proving that the success was not a fluke, she went on to grab the Best Supporting Actress the next year at the same awards for "Red Dust" 《滾滾紅塵》. "Centrestage/The Actress" was her real turning point, proving once and for all, that underneath the porcelain beauty was a real actress. She not only grabbed all the Best Actress awards at all Chinese award ceremonies, but also proceeded to win Best Actress at the Berlin Film Festival, a first timer for an Asian actress. An intelligent person, she decided to walk away from showbiz for further studies, only returning in 1996 in full triumph, winning accolades and repeating her award winning style with another one of my favourite movies "Comrades, Only a Love Story"《甜蜜蜜》, which has been described as the Chinese "The Way We Were". There was a notable maturity in her performance as she progressed as an actress and was described by the judges who voted for her, as superlative in every form, a performance that is so fulfilled that it is difficult to name another actor who had such prowess. "Comrades, Almost a Love Story"《甜蜜蜜》was also voted by US Time Magazine as one of their Top 10 Best Films of 1997.

After her marriage to a French director, Oliver Assayas, who she starred in his "Irma Vep", she came back to make make another Chinese film by famed director and friend, Wong Kar Wai (王家衛), in what many people might call her best performance yet, as the repressed lover in "In the Mood For Love" 《花樣年華》with another great Chinese Actor Tony Leung (梁朝偉). This incredibly sexy movie about love and repression set hearts soaring with their love and fans guessing if their chemistry on screen was indeed real off screen as well. Tony won the Best Actor award at Cannes and Maggie grabbed the Golden Horse Best Actress award that year, making her the most honoured actress in its history with 5 wins. Unfortunately, since it was pipped against "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", who was Taiwan/HK's entry in the Oscars, "In the Mood For Love"《花樣年華》 was not eligible for a Best Foreign Oscar nomination, but won pundits from critics worldwide. They both won at the Hong Kong Film Awards, where they are both the most honoured actors in its history as well.

Maggie scored another first last year when she became the first Chinese actress again to win Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival for "Clean". Unfortunately, she also announced that she will never star in another Wong Kar Wai movie because the last movie "2046" took 5 years to make, and most of Maggie's scenes were cut to a bare minimum. Maggie doesn't seem to have any new projects to look forward to, and I got a little distracted here, so I will return back to my review

"Centrestage/The Actress" is a biographical account of a silent movie actress Ruan Ling Yu of the late 20s and early 30s. Like Maggie, she started out playing bimbo roles but the directors recognised that she had more to offer and she started proving her worth after a few breakthroughs. Despite her fame, she was apparently down to earth and worked hard, not only to support her mother but also a child that she took under her as her own. The central theme of the movie was love because that was Ruan's biggest vice ... her vulnerability at falling in love and giving her all. The movie starts off with the director asking Maggie if she would like to be remembered decades or centuries later as a significant actress and if she desired to be a legend like Ruan, who she is playing. Maggie says No, and she can never compete with Ruan because Ruan is already a legend, since she ended her life at the young age of 25.

The movie moves along with snippets of the real Ruan, some photo stills, some real silent movie clips, returning to scenes of Maggie playing Ruan. Under a less accomplished director, the novel idea would have fallen on its face. However, these vignettes do not detract from the story, but adds on an artistic flavour to the movie, enabling the viewer to become more involved in the story telling. Maggie does not look anything like Ruan, but like Ruan, they are talented actresses. With Maggie's skill, she does not imitate or create a caricature of Ruan but recreates the mood and the feel of the actress. There is a scene where we see Maggie re-enacting a Ruan scene and it clearly shows a slight contrast in acting styles for silent and spoken movies. In silent, one has to be a lot more exaggerated, but Ruan uses her eyes to act. Maggie uses more of her chameleon face to under-act, so that she matches Ruan's power. It is fascinating to watch and it is easy to be entranced by both actresses. This is the magic of both ladies.

After gaining fame, Ruan does not rest on her laurels but strives to take on more challenging roles to expand her repertoire. Refused to be typecast, she fights to star in controversial roles about womens' movements/revolutions in the 30s when most directors would consider her too pretty to play in such roles. With such breakthroughs, she became the definitive modern woman and she was not afraid to take risks, in movies at least. However, in life, she sought to play the little woman. She desired love, and after she befriended a rich and influential man, paid monthly alimony fees to her ex-lover, who just wouldn't let go. After she starred in her last movie "Modern Women", who criticized the media's negative publicity leading to the death of a film star, the media turned their backs on her, and reported all her dalliances, with the help of her ex-lover. Thus began a tussle between the two men in her life, but unfortunately, these two men in her life fought, not for her, but more for themselves and their dignity, or lack of.

Ruan eventually takes her own life out of despair. There is a scene I love when her rich lover says that they will dress gloriously to the court so that they will be seen as high class adulterers, but Ruan, who was at the end of her life, retorted that regardless of their clothing, their actions spoke for themselves. That was the strongest move spurred on by despair. It is interesting to note that at the final scenes of the movie, Ruan (Maggie) seems to be repeating similar verses of her last letters to her lover, and it was only after the movie and some research that I realised that two such letters popped up in the media after her death, and till today remains a mystery if Ruan really did write them. The final words of Ruan was "Beware of Criticisms" ... So, was it life imitating art or the other way round again?A good movie is one that inspires the viewer to do more than just sit there. It entices involvement and interest after the movie, and "Centrestage/The Actress" is one of those gems. Love ... ultimately destroyed Ruan but does it mean that we just have to hold back and not give our all, for fear of being hurt? I was moved by the movie and since I am one that places love at the center of my life, wonder if this was a recipe for disaster? Suicide is ultimately, a selfish act, but I can totally empathise with Ruan. A reporter said that if Ruan knew 20,000 people wept at her funeral, would she have done such a "silly thing"?

Life is fragile but yet love is whole, which is why we seek for it. I have learned through time and experience that you have to give before you will receive, and that we can only give fully when we love ourselves enough. To be independent and yet interdependent. That is my important advice for anyone who wants to get into relationships and remember to love yourself in the process as well. The final lesson we can learn here is to think twice before speaking ill, because we can never know when it might turn into a matter of life and death.

在这哈韩的时代里，我希望能够掀起一股回顾风潮。回亿一些被遗忘了的好电影,好时光。最近，在新同事的交谈中，发现了自己已许久没有看华语电影了。心血來潮,一口气连接看了几部华片，也在网上购买一些陳年旧片。我已张大，再回味儿这些电影时，会否有不同感觉？感触会不会加深　。。。

记得深交在１９９３年极力推选，不知为何在前天才初次品味。看（阮玲玉）这部电影 。。。我感动了。。。四字遗书“人言可畏”让我深觉人是脆弱的。要在有爱的环境与哉培下，才能培养起奋斗精神。要在众人的歧视下站起来，是需要很大的力量。

虽然不熟悉阮玲玉的故事或电影，可是好电影就会加深对自己的要求，让我对阮玲玉的一生多加兴趣。在几个真实镜头中，惊叹她传神的演技，现实与剧中的她是多么的不同。勇敢作新尝试的她最后在生命中却选择了人生的句号。是恶语或爱情毁了她？把爱集为中心的人最终还是会走上悲剧的道路吗？

认识我的朋友都知道爱是我人生的中心。不喜欢吵架与分离，不否认曾有自杀念头，可是深知是自私的行为。对我来说，选择离开人生，就是放弃爱。爱人与爱己。爱人可以不要依赖，可以自由地爱。只要开始爱自己,才能把自己内心的爱全奉献出来。因为有保障，就不会那么害怕。

张曼玉是自己非常喜爱的演员。演阮玲玉这角色让她大放异彩，实至名归。不知道如果由第一选择梅艳芳来演，会有什么不同效果。很喜欢导演穿插一些阮玲玉与张曼玉真实镜头，加深了电影的艺术价值，是部不容错过的好电影。听说这电影在上映后被剪接，澳州是唯一有原片的国家，很有兴趣知道错过些什么镜头。

影片最后似乎有重复朗读遗书的镜头，后来上网才发现了有两本遗书的出现， 是否真由阮玲玉本人亲笔至今还是个谜。无论，璀璨人生如此短暂，始终是种遗憾。。。

我的根源 - My Roots -

John likes to say that I must have been born a Japanese in my past life. My fascination, friends, idols, loves, desires ... mostly lie in the Land of the Rising Sun. It is not surprising also to read my various posts and deduce my dedication to their pop culture as well.

However, I am Chinese, though many have commented that I do not look like one, which I am not, because my maternal grandmother was a Peranakan (i.e. she has a Chinese father and a mother with Malay blood in her). I have often been mistaken as a Malay in Singapore, especially after my national service, when to the chagrin of my Malay colleagues on my first week at work, found me devouring Chinese food at the canteen (Malays can only consume Halal food - which has been prayed to and specially prepared). They soon figured out, to their utmost surprise, that I am Chinese. Here in Australia, I have also been mistaken as a Vietnamese (most common), Thai (by a middle aged female stranger who came up on the bus to tell me that I am a very handsome Thai) or Filipino. Seldom do I get the "touchdown" that I am a Singaporean Chinese. I should consider myself lucky because I have been blessed, hopefully, with the best of both cultures, but more so because my sister and cousins have been mistaken as Filipino maids in the past when they went down to the provision stores, which made them rather upset.

It may be because nationalism is not naturally strong in Singapore, where we preach and practise multiculturalism, and live harmoniously with each other, that sometimes, we seek outside for the real identity within ourselves. As an impressionable young, I was very quickly influenced by the likes of Japanese music and its pop culture, but at the same time, rooted in me, were my Chinese superstitions, beliefs and values. Though there were times when I yearned to be Japanese, I knew that it was only when I am comfortable in my own skin that I can be truly proud of myself.

My friend, Leslie Kee, is one great inspiration. I was shocked to hear in an interview once that his desire was to promote Asian culture to the forefront of fashion and beauty in the photographic world. In this sometimes myopic world where beauty is defined in Western terms, it is not easy for Asians to have high self images of themselves in the beauty stakes. It may be due to the Western education that I received and books I read that help form this opinion, but I think international beauty pageants in the past seemed to only confirm this "fact".

I was in awe and I did set out to be more aware of my culture and who I am. I know that I have not talked much about Chinese culture or even Chinese pop culture, but it may be because I don't have many friends in the past that I had much opportunity to speak the language with. In my attempts to acculturize myself here in Australia, I started out by throwing myself into the deep end. I refused to join any social clubs in Sydney or at University that would mainly cater to the Asian culture. I desperately wanted to experience this new world, to explore what it was to be like an Aussie. I made some friends after quite a long time, though I found that it was only with my fellow international students that I truly clicked. Somehow, it was difficult to break into the networks that had been built over the years.

It was tedious and frightful ... to throw away one's comfortable life with many friends into this new surrounding and having to start making friends all over again. I am now reaping the fruits of labour but a few thoughts crept into my mind recently in my insecure moments that I still seemed to lack a true network of very close friends that would call me if they ran into any troubles, or just for an idle chat. Thankfully, a few phone calls that week helped to reaffirm my earlier beliefs that I do have my own family here in Australia now. Still, I seem to find few avenues to explore the Chinese in me.

It seemed strange that it would take a new colleague from China that made me realise my Chinese roots. She is a delightful person to work with, and she laughs often when she recalls the first day I gave up training her in English because she was having difficulty understanding me. Since I hadn't spoken Mandarin for long periods, I found it a bit of a struggle, but then again, one does not have to translate many work procedures into Mandarin everyday. I spoke haltingly and had to apologize many times for my poor Mandarin. She smiled and said that I should revert back to English and only try to explain in Mandarin to elaborate a process she did not understand.

Since then, which has been about 2 months, she remarked recently that my Mandarin has improved leaps and bounds. I debated that it was because I was more comfortable and that it was easier to talk idly in the language, which she agreed. Unfortunately, her English hasn't been given as rigorous an exercise as I have been. It is a also delight to discover the differences in our cultures and the similarities, even though we are both Chinese. To clarify various myths, especially the one child policy in China and that it is mostly untrue that most Chinese will find ways to kill their firstborn if she turns out to be a girl. Well, Sophia is the best example because she is the only daughter. With her, I was able to discuss and rediscover my love for Chinese culture. I will still cringe at the bad "obiang" (old fashioned) costumes and the noisy lion dances, but I am remembering the really old Chinese movies that I watched with my mother, my day trip with my paternal grandmother where she brought me to watch two Chinese romantic movies, because I liked them. It all seemed like such a dream but they were so warm and so real, and I was transported, back in time, to that boy of about 7, who was really happy.

Our discussions and quizzes have prompted me to want to introduce more Chinese pop culture into my blog, take trips down nostalgia and explore the dormant part of myself. To be inquisitive and to introduce good Chinese movies that are worth watching, so that others will know that there is more than just the "pugilistic kung fu" movies that I am just so not interested in. I am interested in human relations and the way of life. How events help shape the way Chinese people are, and how Western influences can have on the Chinese culture. It all comes to a full circle with many Chinese traditions and superstitions finding their niche in Western everyday lives as well. Hopefully, through the discussion of these movies, music and experiences, I will be able to introduce our rich Chinese culture, further define my internationality and ultimately, rediscover my roots ... that I am indeed proud to be a Chinese.

世上只有妈妈好

这是妈妈非常喜欢的歌曲。
在母亲节献上这份尊敬的祝福，
是发自内心最深处的爱。
没有母亲温馨与耐心的爱护，
就不会有今天的我。
虽然不能常在您身边，
对您的爱只有增无减，
在一起的时间更珍惜。
感谢母亲养育之恩与宽容，
我会用爱与行动来证实。
最后再说声“我爱您”，
幸福的日子我深深感受到。

It's Mother's Day today and I would like to wish every woman a very Happy Mother's Day. I know of many women in my life who constantly exhibit caring and motherly qualities, and just because they have not beared any child, should not be deprived of a celebration of their ability to love like a mother. Two such people are my Aunt Constance and my dear friend, Anne, and I thank you both for being in my life, and continuously teaching me about love.

I would also like to specifically thank my mother for just being there. Even though there were many times during my teenage years where many misunderstandings took place, I always knew you did it out of love. Though we live currently in separate countries, I understand your deep yearning for me to be nearer. However, it is also your love and generosity in allowing me to live my own life that I am extremely thankful for, and in return allows me to love you even more.

I miss you too and think of you often, but I want you to know that I do not take you or time for granted. I have learnt too many lessons about love and loss, to know that nothing is permanent. So, I want to say "I love you very much" on this very day, and that I am very lucky and very happy, because I have a wonderful mother who loves me very much.

Do We Care Too Much?

I was just making a comment on my friend, Jack's Blog entry: Pics that made me realise how our lives are so often influenced by the opinions of others. I am not criticising comments or criticisms but how much is too much?

Growing up, I believed that I was not only fat but unattractive, lazy and stupid. It was my mother's way of humbling us into working harder, but her comments to her friends stuck like super glue and helped mould me into the person I was. Though to be honest, she would have been happier with me being "fatter" than I was but my self image was so poor that I saw any excess fat as being obese. I felt small, unloved and unwanted. In my mind where I struggled to accept myself, my grandmother was my only solace.

Many other incidents along the way, for example, not being popular or one of the "accepted clans" in school helped reaffirm this warped perception in my mind. Thankfully, things changed but it wasn't until I went through some self developments courses that made me realise what effects these words had on me. People can say that "words can't hurt" but they do. Everytime I hear someone making "innocent" comments like "He/She's so ugly or so fat.", I feel like turning around and telling them off. Sometimes, it's not something that they have any control over and I am sure you have your own skeletons as well.

Growing up with such a "warped mind" helped me develop empathy. I felt for every single person who did not feel and look "perfect". I reached out for people who would be ostracised in a group. That was probably one of the few good things that came out of it, and the other was not to use hurtful words on physical appearances. The true ugliness is not in appearance, but in character and human behaviour.

I realise how words can shape and influence the person we are and the heroes in our mind/heart. So, I believe after the exercise, in self expression. Many people have wondered how I can bare all my feelings like that and not get hurt. I think I only hurt when I can't express, and the only avenue is left to bottle it up. Writing gives me the avenue to think and vent, and the best thing is that by sharing, someone else can feel less lonely because they can then understand and know that they are not alone, and whatever they are feeling ... is perhaps ... "normal". Is there such a thing as "normal"? Politically correctedness aside, I think I prefer the word "common". What if what is common is abnormal? What do we do then?

So, I strive to be as honest and as fully self expressed as I can. I still have reservations sometimes and I do know that I am putting myself and my life up for scrutiny. People can comment or criticise but they are sometimes no harsher than the beatings I give myself. I seek to encourage, not only myself but others to put aside their fears and explore ... fly and be whoever they want to be ... because it is only when we do so that we feel free and powerful.

If our friends really do love and care for us, then they will come along with us and like I said on my comments, I know that the true ones will be there to catch me, if I fall ...

A Song For You

I remember the first time I heard this song. A group of us were seated around my lounge watching the "第53回紅白歌合戦" waiting for Akina's comeback performance that year in 2002, and suddenly, we found ourselves entranced by this beautiful voice and song. Dumbstruck by its beauty, we were all momentarily speechless. It gave us goosebumps as we listened to it for the first time.

An Okinawa inspired melody, this song launched the singer 夏川りみ's career to new heights. Since I don't really understand Japanese too much, I don't really pay much attention to the lyrics. However, I chanced upon this performance of hers last year with Chinese subtitles that made me realise why it has become one of the most popular songs in the past few years, making 夏川りみ the first singer in its 56 years to sing the same song 4 times at 紅白.

I did a translation myself using the Chinese wordings on the screen but found this beautiful translation on another website, so I am using it but have edited a little. It is a beautiful and touching song about love lost to death, and many people have experienced it in their lives, myself included. For those who have never lost someone before, please don't ever wait till it's too late to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. We need to be thankful for every breath we have and every day we live.

Like the famous Japanese song "秋桜" which speaks of love between a mother and child, this speaks of love between any two human beings and I want to dedicate this song to everyone who has ever lost someone dear, and especially to my web-friend, Jack from My Song For You, who moves me with his little vignettes of his love for his mother, who is no longer around. Like my beloved grandmother whom I lost 8 years ago, they live forever in our hearts ...

涙そうそう

作詞　森山　良子 (Moriyama Ryouko)
作曲　BEGIN
唄　夏川　りみ (Natsukawa Rimi)

古いアルバムめくり　ありがとうってつぶやいた
いつもいつも胸の中　励ましてくれる人よ
晴れ渡る日も　雨の日も　浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせてもおもかげ探して　よみがえる日は　涙そうそう

一番星に祈る　それが私のくせになり
夕暮れに見上げる空　心いっぱいあなた探す
悲しみにも　喜びにも　想うあの笑顔
あなたの場所から私が見えたら　
きっといつか　会えると信じ　生きてゆく

晴れ渡る日も　雨の日も　浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせても
さみしくて　恋しくて　君への想い　涙そうそう
会いたくて　会いたくて　君への想い　涙そうそう

Translation

I whisper "Thank You" as I leaf through this old photo album
The eternal inspiration within my heart
Should the memories of that smile,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
They return in the days I search for traces of you,
my eyes glisten with tears ...

Almost a habit now, I wish upon the very first star
Looking within the evening skies for you with all my heart
The memories of that smile I think of, in joy or sorrow
And if you can see me, from where you are
I'll have the courage to live on, believing that we'll meet again someday ...

And should the memories of that smile I think of,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
In loneliness and yearning - my feelings for you, my eyes glisten with tears ...

I miss you, if only we could meet - my feelings for you, eyes glistening with tears ...

original taken from waxin' lyrical (edited by Jamez)