Acceptance

I look in the mirror and what do I see? On a good day, I smile. On most days, contrary to belief, I look and I hear the little voices in my head mentally pointing out the imperfections. I travel back in time to the days when I was plump and didn't have good self image. The boy at 15 was starring back at me.

It was not all bad, because I developed empathy. I understood what it felt like to be a minority, to be unpopular in class because I wasn't a sports freak. I was just ignored. There was a scene from the first mainstream Hollywood movie "Making Love" I watched last night that brought back some old memories of my early to mid schooling years. It was a group of men playing basketball and half of them were topless to differentiate between the teams. I remembered that it was the way we did at school as well, and because I was a little insecure with my self image (Yes, I was plump), I hated to be in the team that had to take off their shirts. I not only felt naked and exposed, but I felt terribly ugly and fat. Not that anyone in particular was watching, but the overpowering voice in my head kept reminding me and I folded my arms at any opportunity I could to savage whatever little pride I had left. To make things worse, I had boy-boobs. I was ashamed and even though they might now be the object of attraction/affection, it was difficult to accept them then. Being made class monitor didn't help either, it only isolated myself more from the acceptance I craved. Was it the acceptance from others or just plain self acceptance? Are they mutually exclusive?

I believe the lines are blurred because they compliment one another, though self acceptance is far more important than from others. I read a post from my dear friend, Danny Bunny, not long ago about how he needed to trim off the fat from his slim belly with photos and circles drawn to highlight the "problem areas". I identified with that immediately because it was an image that I play in my mind quite often, but when faced with the reality that someone else was doing the same, I was rather mortified because I could be honest and slam that annoying voice in my head that we are somehow, imperfect.

I know it was something that developed while I was growing up, which is why I now know that I won't do it to any child, and am educating my sister and parents of the possible effects it may have on my two little darlings, who in my mind, are perfect just the way they are. I know I am not alone and even when there are times when I accept myself and my self image, that I am not going to develop that bulging six pack because I love food too much to starve, someone can come back with a casual remark and crush me immediately. So, do we reach a point when we attain self acceptance and the opinions of others don't mater?

What about being gay? It's like having two things to deal with instead of just one. It took some time (maybe 10 years or more), for me to accept myself as a gay man and decide to do something about it. Thankfully, my coming out to Australia helped me to expedite and normalise the experience because it was tough for me to come out in Singapore. Family non-withstanding, I felt that I had many other people, like my friends to answer to. In some ways, I felt I had to work harder for their acceptance and it was just easier getting some new friends and starting anew.

It wasn't an easy process, accepting myself for who I am and then "seeking approval" for it. Pubs and clubs didn't provide that for me because of the passing trade but close friends, surrogate families and my partners here eventually helped me to be comfortable in my own skin. Being in the Mardi Gras Parade and the importance of having it and being part of it, helped me to see myself as being desirable and accepted as well. It was the acceptance of others that helped ease the way for self acceptance to gradually occur. To normalise all my crooked thinking that somehow, there is something wrong with me ... and ironically, it is also through my self acceptance too, that I can pave the way for others to accept me for who I am.

The recent Mardi Gras Parade was my 5th attendance, and it was more special this year because besides John, I had 4 heterosexual friends with me, 3 of whom I would call part of my family here in Australia. It is their age, wisdom and acceptance that makes the dream possible that my family and relatives can one day just accept me for who I am like these wonderful people have ... Anne, Margaret and Robbie.

I won't talk about the Parade, but you can look at the pictures to know that it is a glitzy affair. Beautiful faces, bodies, costumes, a fiesta and a celebration of unity and acceptance. Looking at some of the floats and the people on it made me realise this year that it was not only about gay, lesbian or transgender people, because our float had plenty of heterosexuals, but about minorities. About people amongst us who feel that they want to be listened to and to be respected. In this current world where they like to shut down and silence the non-conformists, this is a powerful statement about acceptance.

I dressed down this year but I was also afraid of a repetition of the two "small belly" remarks I got last year as opposed to the 30 positive, and isn't it funny how the negative ones stayed with me more than the positive. I have read another blog, which made me realise that even if I do attain that perfect body image that the criticisms might still remain. Ultimately, there might not be a win-win situation. Through "The Power of Now", I have also realised that the voice/mind is working overtime to poison our thoughts and it is only when we shut them up, that we start receiving honesty and acceptance. I believe I am making baby steps and with every journey in life, I learn more about self acceptance and its importance.

I am writing this because I know I am not alone in it and may still struggle on bad days, but it is important to normalise, to talk about it and accept it. That there is nothing wrong about being physically imperfect because there are more important things in life like love and giving. We all have our little idiosyncrasies and insecurities, and if we can accept ourselves for who we are, and accept others for who they are, then we are all going to move ahead to a better place, and bring people along to where we all should be. Maybe we should all take a leaf out of my friend, Raymond, who starts off every day by staring in the mirror and saying "You're gorgeous! I love you."

I also have to send a special Thanks to my partner John, for squashing all those nasty thoughts and for loving and supporting me when I am at my lowest points. And where would I be without my network of friends and family wherever you are (even my web friends), for being there whenever I need them as well. Life is indeed enriching because of your presence in my life.

Mardi Gras Photos: Flickr

That's The Way Love Goes ...

It had been more than a year since we last travelled on a holiday together, and since John and I have varying ideas of our dream holiday, we set out on a "mission" which would satisfy both of us. Since I prefer "educational" holidays (John half jokingly calls them "shopping holidays") while he prefers a relaxing one, it was tough to decide on the perfect holiday decision.

We had been to Byron Bay on one previous occasion and since one of John's best friends, Leanne lives up there with her beautiful 11 year old son, it is one of those spots that John would do a quasi-family visit at least once a year. When he approached me with another one week visit, I was hesitant, because as much as I love Leanne and Tully, I would like to preserve my annual leave for a longer holiday either back in Singapore or elsewhere. He was quick to sense my hesitation and discussed staying for varying periods of time with the possibility of me returning me home first. I quelled his suspicions by agreeing that I would be happy to stay for 4 days and he agreed that it was a good period. So, we were both delighted with the agreement that we reached.

Being a bargain hunter, John immediately set out to check out on the hotel rates because we decided to make it more special and not stay with Leanne during this trip. John did not want to stay within the Byron Bay tourist hotels because it was too crowded and busy, and wanted to settle on a smaller resort. Leanne suggested this new holiday resort and spa that just opened a couple of months ago called "Byron at Bryon". Coincidentally, there was a really good special on it and we booked it immediately.

I didn't realise that I needed a break that quickly after the Christmas and New Year break, but when the time came, I was ready ... we were ready. We rented a car and the trip from the airport to the resort was a breezy 15 minutes or so. When we arrived, I was gob smacked. Never in my life did I realise that it was going to be that beautiful. I knew from the start when we entered that it was going to be a special holiday.

I couldn't stop snapping photos of the 4 and a half star resort and spa (it was actually 5 star but lost the half star because the reception was not 24 hours) because I couldn't believe my eyes. The staff were incredibly cute and friendly and it was funny that the young men working at the reception were nicer than the women, even though they were definitely heterosexual. They looked like they walked out of a fashion catalogue (okay, maybe for the local shops) but one of them had an incredible smile, I am surprised the toothpaste advertisers haven't knocked on his door yet.

That aside, as you can see from the photos, it is rather "Bali-esque" and the great thing about it is that it is very green too. They have installed an advanced water recycling system that uses "grey water" (water from washing) for non eating or drinking purposes, and on top of that, they have preserved the forestation that they have built the compounds on, so that you can go for bushwalks on planted wooden platforms. It was also only a 10 minute walk to one of the most beautiful white sand beaches I have seen. Wide and tranquil. You will stop to absorb life as it is.

The apartments are well furnished with a living room with an extremely comfortable L-shaped couch and a plasma television, a kitchen and dining area, beautiful bed and a bathroom and bath-tub to simply die for. It was peaceful and we were in so much bliss, we fell in love with everything. Since it was raining the first 2 days, we were able to satisfy my needs with trips to restaurants (a memorable one was "Utopia" in Bangalow with beautiful salads) and shops. There are not surprisingly many surf shops because Byron Bay is famous for their beautiful beaches and surf culture, but to my astonishment, plenty of organic food stores around as well. Since the citizens of Byron Bay have an infamous tag of being hippies and "happily drugged" most of the time, they seem to endorse that as well with their "live green eat green" life policy. A recent survey showed that they were the happiest people in Australia (with Sydney being ranked rather unhappy). I can see why that is so but the population there is also rather transient with many backpackers staying for a year or so, and then moving back to their motherlands.

Nonetheless, there is plenty of good food and fun around. You will never smile or talk to more strangers. I had an interesting encounter at the beach when I was washing my hands at the open air tap after having my delicious lunch with this surfer who was washing himself next to me. He was washing off the sand from his body while warning me of the blue bottles (jellyfish) that were rampant that day in the ocean. He then stopped to show me the marks on his body that were stung by the blue bottles. This harmless friendly encounter would never have happened in Sydney. Everyone is too afraid of what the other person might think if they talked to a stranger.

Thankfully, the next 2 days were sunnier and we spent a lot more time in the sun, at the gorgeous pool and at White beach, which is an isolated beach that we we had to walk downhill, through thick vegetation to get to. There were barely any people there and it was just wonderful to have the beach to ourselves.

Before the vacation, I had some qualms that there might be some withdrawal symptoms being away from email and computers (not that there weren't any there) but I didn't even feel the slightest desire to seek one out. I was relaxed, happy and back in tune with the needs and wants of my mind and body. I was free!!

It is a small price to pay for such essentials, and it not only rejuvenated my zest for life but also of the love between us. It was the perfect honeymoon. We had such a good time with Leanne and Tully as well that we found it a little painful to say goodbye, but we made use of every single moment we had, and had constant smiles on our faces. We slept, ate and lived so well for those four days that the end was a fitting beginning for Valentines Day.

We all need little avenues like this to remind us what we live and work for. Little luxuries that we pamper ourselves so that we can prepare for the next challenge around the corner. It's the beginning of a love affair with this resort, the continuation between us, and the rejuvenation for life ...

More photos here

Light and Shade

Sepia
Originally uploaded by Jamezle.

At the suggestion of Sydney Gaze, a group of us went to a photographic exhibition of Singaporean photographer, Marcus Mok, specialising in artistic male nudes.

When we arrived there, Marcus was very friendly and open with introductions, and walked us through some of the beautiful photos that were exhibited. After asking most of us where we were from, we discussed the possibility of introducing some of our Japanese friends who could be interested in posing for Marcus. Then, he turned around, and asked if I was interested, since I looked like I had a good body.

I was very flattered but due to my inner shyness, rejected him but told him that I would think about it. John encouraged me to do it (again as you can see), but I had my reservations because ultimately, I have a big problem with full nudity.

I grew up plump and never had a very good self image. I hated those boy breasts that are now the envy of some others, but who knew the pain I had to suffer when I was younger. It helps to explain why I visit the gym often but I know that I am not alone in the poor self image department. It is all about the past, and this is now.

I took a series of B&W artistic nudes for my 30th birthday, as a reminder that one is never too old to conquer their fear and also strive for their best. The results were astonishing and this is one of the most artistic ones that I have chosen to share today (with reframing from the photographer).

Craig O'Reilly, the wonderful photographer, who was the partner of a friend, really helped me to relax, so that I was able to get over my inhibitions, and I was able to look back today with glee. We have talked about more projects but they have yet to come to fruition.

So, I wonder within myself, if taking this new project on, is one of vanity or dare? Leslie Kee, one of my best friends, started off this passion, and for the first time, I was not cringing when I looked at my photos. I am thankful to him for giving me something else to believe when I see the pudgy old self in the mirror and the self criticism lands ...

I guess it's part of us will take a long time to shake off ... the part which the book "The Power of Now" says "is controlled by the mind", which is a reflection of the past, and not symbolic of the present.

There is nothing to lose, but I have to realise that I have power in every decision I make ... Like Leslie implies, he wants to bring Asian into the defintion of beauty, I hope that somehow, it can be a step towards my contribution to that proud clause.

Keep It Personal

Received an email from a friend who occasionally checks my blog and he mentioned that I have not been releasing my feelings and emotions on my blog as I have in the past. Don't know and can't explain why. I believe it has to do with a very busy work and social schedule that has left me pretty speechless by the end of the day.

It can probably also be interpreted that life is going smoothly and thus, the creative "victim" juices have been less free flowing, and hence the lack of posts. Blogs are indeed a great way to express ourselves and allow other people to know what is going on in our lives, but sometimes, I do have to admit to falling victim to "entertainment value", which is where the dilemma lies ...

The other reason is also that I am having my snailish computer upgraded, which is arriving tomorrow, so it may be a start to more good things to come, depending on your definition of what that is. What I have taken away from that email though is to keep it personal. Writing is my passion and even if it means a line or two (okay that will never happen with me), it's still keeping the flow and I believe that is what has to happen from now.

I have also been reading a very interesting and challenging book titled "The Power of Now : A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle. It talks about how we focus our daily life on the past and the future instead of the present (now), and how it affects the quality of life that we have because of this decision we make. It is only through focusing on the present that we will be able to achieve enlightenment, which is not something of the future.

I am only a quarter through the book, but I found it challenging to start, because it is totally at war with what our minds have been conditioned to think. However, the author has been very clever not to start rolling off the "dos and don'ts". Rather, he structures the book according to questions he has received over the years, and it does help in understanding some of the more confusing concepts.

One of the most poignant lines that jolted me was "Time is an illusion" and when he says that, he meant that "the present moment is all you ever have. There is never a time when your life is not "this moment." Is that not a fact?" It struck me as so real and cutting because all we ever have is now. We never know if we are ever going to be drawing the next breath, to survive the next second. All we have is now!

In saying so, it is a very powerful book because it challenges all our beliefs and our values and these are tough rocks to shift. I am finding it really confronting and trying to permeate it through my life when I am conscious, which is when I am focusing on the moment, instead of thinking of the past or the future. I can see how it can potentially change lives, like when we stop for moments in our lives to really look and appreciate what we have, and let that wave of joy and happiness engulf us. It is that fleeting moment that we are looking into prolonging, and this book seems to advocate that the only way we can do so, is focusing on the now, and not let the mind control us.

I am not reeling off any further here, because there are many other concepts and much more of the book to digest. All I can say now is that it reinforces some of the techniques I had learnt once from a self-development course I took.

The other thing is that the public has been relatively interested in my book whenever I find the time to read it on the bus or the train to work. I had already encountered two women who smiled and commented "Great book. Interesting concepts!", when we connected.

I have yet to see what impact this book will ultimately have on me, but I am liking what I am reading, so I am recommending that you pick it up too. I always believe in a healthy bit of skepticism but if there aren't challenging concepts in life, how can we improve?

My First FanClub Letter

There is nothing like coming home after a long tiring day to a pleasant surprise. Seated at the table was a yellow envelope with the familiar words "Faithway" logo at the bottom. Excitedly, I opened up the envelope and in it was my first ever fan club letter.

As I leaved through the beautiful pages, I remembered the first time I viewed them enviously on another Akina fan website, and to think that I actually own them now, is rather surreal.

At first glance, I am very happy that there are many photos of Akina, her past, current and future projects. There is her report on her special performance on Music Fair 21, Dinner Show 2006, her new drama (the name has now been confirmed to be プリマダム - Prima Time), and her upcoming concert starting from 24th June.

Her Summer concert this year is more than a month later than her past years but I think it is a good strategy to time it with the ending of the drama series, in hope that there will be more people would might want to come to the concert.

At the moment, there are only 8 confirmed sessions and each ticket costs 7350 yen. Faithway Fanclub members get priority to purchase these tickets right now. As tempting as it might be, I don't think that I will be going to her concert this year, because there are other things that I have to save my money for. If only I strike the Lotto ... but then, I would have to start buying it first. Ha! Ha!

I am sure that all my fellow VAMPires will have all the fun for me and I will miss them all but there are priorities in life, and life always brings surprises ... If not, I will always have my wonderful memories of last year ...

P.S. Due to Geocities Download limits per hour, there may be times when the photos are not displayed. Please visit this link to see them: http://www.flickr.com/photos/68153602@N00/?saved=1