It has served me well for the past 6 years, allowing me an opportunity to live my dream, but the time has come to say goodbye. Ironically, it has been my longest relationship since I arrived 8 years ago and it has been a very difficult decision. Afterall, it is like a baby that I had nursed and now, I have to let it go and watch it grow under someone else's care.
Over the past few months and particularly so the past 3 weeks, I had made unreasonable demands on myself, putting myself outside my comfort zone to achieve what I finally set out to do a few years ago. Maybe part of it was to prove that I was still capable and the only way to do it was to dive head on. I am proud of myself but I am now wide awake at 5.30 am this morning, feeling the effects of the morning after.
I am leaving my job. To many people, I have become an image of my workplace. The reliable person that you get when you call or come to the retail end of the store. I don't have all the solutions but I try. I didn't have any experience running a business but I did it. There are many things I achieved that I should be proud of, but they are not quantitative. It is not only the success of the business but the relationships I have established. The suppliers, customers and my close relationship with my boss.
I told John last night that I still have a lot of love for my boss as a person because we are more like friends than boss and subordinate. However, the workload in heavier periods has sometimes created a bit of resentment, so this has freed the opportunity to care about him like a friend once again.
I guess I can always see it not only as moving on in life but progressing to another stage of our relationship, which will make it easier because I stilll want this friendship. I'd always knew it would be difficult but it has to be done ...
Thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive during my dormant years and pushing me on to achieve this, especially John. A step up towards our future!
爱到分离仍是爱。
不只是情人，
工作也一样。
可能我比较善情，
所以才会矛盾。
可是毕竟是一种爱，
离别抉择终有伤痛。
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Aussiebum
I have been posting so many serious issues that I thought I might sex it up a little with pictures of my new swimshorts that I bought over the net and wore them for the first time today. I am really happy with them because they are really comfortable and the cut helps create a sexier image.
These are photos taken off the Aussiebum website and as much as I wish the "six-pack" was mine, I love food too much to starve for such perfection. But I can dream ... an improbable dream ...
A perfect way to start Spring!
These are photos taken off the Aussiebum website and as much as I wish the "six-pack" was mine, I love food too much to starve for such perfection. But I can dream ... an improbable dream ...
A perfect way to start Spring!
Forgiveness
John and I were watching a typical Korean movie "A Moment To Remember" highly recommended by my sister, who also bought it as a present for me. The movie was full of clichés and patchy in spots, but was bearable due to the beauty and charisma of the two actors.
There was only one "true moment" to remember in the movie and it was this quote "We build houses in ourselves and forgiveness is about placing hatred in a small room." It is rather poignant because it teaches us not to let hatred consume our lives.
Saying sorry is not a difficult thing for me because I don't put a lot of emphasis on pride and I like the feeling of allowing myself to look silly to get a smile or a laugh out of someone who is not feeling particularly well. I remember clearly an incident during my army days when my best friend and I let the smallest of misunderstandings diminish the bond between us. We were so close. He was heterosexual but was comfortable about holding me, laying his head on my shoulder or even teasing me like a guy does his partner.
To many, they saw us as great buddies and I helped him through some of the hardest times of his army life. Somehow, lines were blurred in the army, and even though we never got intimate with kissing or anything further, it was more than a brotherhood that I could feel. Maybe deep down, it was more incomprehensible for him than me, so when the opportunity arose, he maximised it. We never got back to the same intimacy. We were not fearful of being burned but the little tiff toppled us both over.
Eventually, when we ended up having to work together, forgiveness was unnecessary but we couldn't even pin-point where what it was that started it all. It was too far down our minds and we reached this silent compromise that it was probably for the better that we never got so close again. I have not seen him since I left the army and even when I speak of him to my other friends, I feel the closeness we once felt. We didn't address the issues in a timely fashion and I guess we just missed the boat which sailed on, leaving us on opposite sides of the dock.
There was only one "true moment" to remember in the movie and it was this quote "We build houses in ourselves and forgiveness is about placing hatred in a small room." It is rather poignant because it teaches us not to let hatred consume our lives.
Saying sorry is not a difficult thing for me because I don't put a lot of emphasis on pride and I like the feeling of allowing myself to look silly to get a smile or a laugh out of someone who is not feeling particularly well. I remember clearly an incident during my army days when my best friend and I let the smallest of misunderstandings diminish the bond between us. We were so close. He was heterosexual but was comfortable about holding me, laying his head on my shoulder or even teasing me like a guy does his partner.
To many, they saw us as great buddies and I helped him through some of the hardest times of his army life. Somehow, lines were blurred in the army, and even though we never got intimate with kissing or anything further, it was more than a brotherhood that I could feel. Maybe deep down, it was more incomprehensible for him than me, so when the opportunity arose, he maximised it. We never got back to the same intimacy. We were not fearful of being burned but the little tiff toppled us both over.
Eventually, when we ended up having to work together, forgiveness was unnecessary but we couldn't even pin-point where what it was that started it all. It was too far down our minds and we reached this silent compromise that it was probably for the better that we never got so close again. I have not seen him since I left the army and even when I speak of him to my other friends, I feel the closeness we once felt. We didn't address the issues in a timely fashion and I guess we just missed the boat which sailed on, leaving us on opposite sides of the dock.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
An Early Frost
I had just watched the 1985 TV movie "An Early Frost" and I am amazed at how the film's message still applies today. It is the very first gay movie made on AIDS and to me, it was more realistic and touched on more sensitive issues than the seemingly definitive "Philadelphia" in 1994.
For starters, in 1985 people were still starting to familiarise themselves with the terms HIV and AIDS. Rock Hudson apparently came out a week after the movie screened on TV, which was watched by 33 million viewers and topped the viewership for the night. I was too young then, but I do remember the gaunt looking Hudson gracing the headlines of the local Singaporean papers. We were all learning about the disease in our own ways, and forming prejudices and beliefs based on what we hear from the grapevine, rather than the truth.
Truths may be presented but what do the experts know? We believed that nothing was greater than pure prevention. So, when I came out in Australia, at the back of my mind, I wondered how I would be affected by it. Active gay men are strongly encouraged to go for HIV tests regularly if they are having sex with more than one partner, and I remember the first test I had to take. It wasn't so much the anxiety over the blood drawing, but more so the embarassment of having to answer all sorts of personal questions you don't even like to ask yourself. Then, there is agonising one week wait and then the never ending time at the waiting room to be called in for your results. It is an excruciating painful process, even if the eventual results turn out negative.
When I made my first friend with HIV, I reacted the same way anyone who has read but never experienced would do ... I asked myself what is the appropriate behavi0ur? It isn't easy because I think they didn't want me to know but yet they knew I must know somehow. It's just coming out to another gay person. I actually remember now that I didn't know when I first met them, and only when I pondered and eventually askedwas the truth told, but never from the person, always from someone else. I was shocked because that was my first. I had all the same fears but deep down, I knew it was wrong to feel this prejudice. He was after all a friend of my friend's, and I wanted to show that my friend that I was supportive.
So, I decided to see them not as needing my pity, but rather my friendship. I wasn't going to treat them any different from my friends because it would not be doing them any favours. I was going to be myself. I hug and kiss them and I don't think twice about it anymore. It has become a way of life, but it would not have been possible if I had not taken the opportunity and the effort to know them, and understand that most of them have a strong sense of humour and a positive outlook on life. I don't know if it is coming close to death that allows them this freedom to be ... to not have this care that we have about looking bad, and just treasuring every moment they have, and live.
The first funeral I attended in Sydney was one of these friends. I still remember him clearly, but it is not the sick images or stories of him that I recall but I see him in his sunny self. Thankfully, there is better medication out there for people living with HIV, but it is still incurable. "It is not a gay disease" as spelled out in this movie but this message still gets lost because conservative gatekeepers in our society prefer to keep it under wraps and handle it the only way they can, by pointing the easy finger. We now know this truth because millions are dying in Africa of AIDS everyday. However, without powerful voices like us, prejudice remains.
We need love in our lives to carry on our daily motivations but more so the less fortunate people around the world. Perceptions can blind us but truths and love will clear the way ...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
A Surprise Trip
Much has been happening but nothing significant to report or explore, except that I will be making a very short 4 day trip back to Singapore once again from the 22nd - 25th September. It is a late surprise gift from my Aunt Constance in Japan, who called me about a week or so ago, asking if I could spare some time to attend my cousin's wedding.
Initially, my response was No. Not only because I had just returned, but more so that I didn't want her to "waste" any money unnecessarily. On the other hand, there was the issue of John and I was concerned that we were not spending enough time on holidays and here I am, taking another 2 days off work to go back to Singapore. However, she persevered and funnily enough, when I told my parents of her good intentions, their initial reactions were predictably negative and a little hurting at the same time. Rationale ruled over heart and they implored me to be strong in negativity. In slight retaliation, I told Mum to call aunt instead and discourage her from doing so.
Within 5 minutes, I get a call from aunt who began the first line with "Why did you tell your Mum? I wanted to give her a surprise." How that escaped my mind, I don't know. I guess I was seduced by the fancy idea of having my family in my arms once again. When you are that far away from the people you care so much about, any chance is a dream come true.
I said "Sorry and Yes, I will start looking at flights" absent-mindedly because I could feel my heart in my throat. We hung up and within a minute, there was Mum again asking me what aunt had told me. Still fazed, I said "Nothing", but she pressed on "Did she say she wanted to surprise me?" to which I nodded with a soft "Yes", amazed by the telepathy between the sisters. Mum then calmed down and asked "So, are you coming or not?". I said "I don't know. I'll think about it" twice because she repeated the question. Laughing at my "broken record", she says "I know that means that you're going to come" with my dad's laughter echoing in the background.
Almost a week passed before I spoke to them again and to my surprise, they had dropped defences and are embracing my possible return, albeit for such a short time. I have just booked the ticket but have yet to let them know, but I guess they don't really need to, because they do.
It will be a testing time because I also see it as an opportunity to redefine my relationship with my aunt since she outed me last year. Consciously due to fear, I have distanced myself from her, and have reduced the amount of fancy telephone chats over the past year. I am not proud of that but it is difficult for me to operate outside my comfort zone. I lacked courage and was embarrassed by it. So, I chose the easy way out. Most conversations tinged with fear and a constant lookout for the escape hatch ...
Since she is a sensitive woman, I have a strong feeling that she realises that, and is trying to work something out here. I will also have a chance to let her know my side of the story, which is that "I am happy", and I think this is very important. I will also be meeting my uncle whom I have not met before since their marriage 2 years ago, so it would be nice to catch up, though I don't know if she has revealed the secret to him. I am sure we will have some quiet time where I can poach the subject.
I can already see it as a tiring trip to and fro and will not have any opportunity to meet up with anyone, except my VAMP group who knows my aunt and who would most likely want to see them again. Nevertheless, blood relations will always remain important in my life and the spontaneity of the trip will most likely leave me grinning in spite of the fatigue.
Initially, my response was No. Not only because I had just returned, but more so that I didn't want her to "waste" any money unnecessarily. On the other hand, there was the issue of John and I was concerned that we were not spending enough time on holidays and here I am, taking another 2 days off work to go back to Singapore. However, she persevered and funnily enough, when I told my parents of her good intentions, their initial reactions were predictably negative and a little hurting at the same time. Rationale ruled over heart and they implored me to be strong in negativity. In slight retaliation, I told Mum to call aunt instead and discourage her from doing so.
Within 5 minutes, I get a call from aunt who began the first line with "Why did you tell your Mum? I wanted to give her a surprise." How that escaped my mind, I don't know. I guess I was seduced by the fancy idea of having my family in my arms once again. When you are that far away from the people you care so much about, any chance is a dream come true.
I said "Sorry and Yes, I will start looking at flights" absent-mindedly because I could feel my heart in my throat. We hung up and within a minute, there was Mum again asking me what aunt had told me. Still fazed, I said "Nothing", but she pressed on "Did she say she wanted to surprise me?" to which I nodded with a soft "Yes", amazed by the telepathy between the sisters. Mum then calmed down and asked "So, are you coming or not?". I said "I don't know. I'll think about it" twice because she repeated the question. Laughing at my "broken record", she says "I know that means that you're going to come" with my dad's laughter echoing in the background.
Almost a week passed before I spoke to them again and to my surprise, they had dropped defences and are embracing my possible return, albeit for such a short time. I have just booked the ticket but have yet to let them know, but I guess they don't really need to, because they do.
It will be a testing time because I also see it as an opportunity to redefine my relationship with my aunt since she outed me last year. Consciously due to fear, I have distanced myself from her, and have reduced the amount of fancy telephone chats over the past year. I am not proud of that but it is difficult for me to operate outside my comfort zone. I lacked courage and was embarrassed by it. So, I chose the easy way out. Most conversations tinged with fear and a constant lookout for the escape hatch ...
Since she is a sensitive woman, I have a strong feeling that she realises that, and is trying to work something out here. I will also have a chance to let her know my side of the story, which is that "I am happy", and I think this is very important. I will also be meeting my uncle whom I have not met before since their marriage 2 years ago, so it would be nice to catch up, though I don't know if she has revealed the secret to him. I am sure we will have some quiet time where I can poach the subject.
I can already see it as a tiring trip to and fro and will not have any opportunity to meet up with anyone, except my VAMP group who knows my aunt and who would most likely want to see them again. Nevertheless, blood relations will always remain important in my life and the spontaneity of the trip will most likely leave me grinning in spite of the fatigue.
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