This time tomorrow, I will be in sunny Singapore. Away from the cold winds of Sydney, definitely the chilliest Winter I had experienced in my past 8 years.
This time tomorrow, I will hopefully be embraced by my two little darlings, who have only been exposed to me through web-cams and brief telephone conversations over the past year.
This time tomorrow, I will definitely be back in my parents home, mine since 1984. All of us back under the same roof ...
Different though, is the times that have changed. I believe I will still rediscover shades of my teenage years in that apartment, just like I do every time I return. Remembering the times when we first moved in, and how we had progressed since. The colours, the furniture, the ambience, the changes ...
The memories as I leaf through my belongings in my desk drawers. They probably bear the fingerprints of my mother, who must have longed to throw them, but resisted because they are the exact reminders of my previous presence. A never dying hope that someday I will come back to this house.
I am 4 hours away from taking the flight and I am in full anticipation of the rigours before the joy. Yes, I despise the journey, the dislike for turbulence, which John soothed me by asking me to think of it as bumps on the road. I have eventually resorted to just plain praying for it to be over and the combination works.
This trip physcially seems no different from the others I have taken from the past, but I seem to walk with more courage this time, and yet more fear as well. There are revelations that might occur on this trip, not yet to my family, but maybe to some friends. New negotiations for our friendships, which I view as an open opportunity to deepen our relationship.
There is trepedation because renegotiations are tricky, but I can't always live a lie. There are rocky paths that need to be walked on before freedom of soul can occur. If they love and care for me as much as I do for them, then such a difference should not affect our friendship.
What stopped me in the past is their denial. One described it as painful and unbelievable because they wanted to imagine the love in my writings as someone they can associate themselves with ... a female. Another who calls me her best friend once described it as "worse than murder" even though she was counselling someone who is gay that she actually empathised with.
Besides that, is a friend who chanced upon my blog and another who I have not met for 10 years. and I wonder if we would pick up from where we left it last, or progress as deeper friends as honest revelations flow, like we had over the past months.
What I do know from this trip though is that I will be enjoying it. The fruits of my labour. My mother once said when I was a tyrant teenager that no one would befriend me if I kept it up. I don't remember if I was just seeking attention or rather discovering my sexuality and having to suppress it, that led to the angst, but her words crucified me. It changed me because I swore to prove her wrong, and even today, I am still very moved and surprised when my old friends take special time out to meet up when I am back. Maybe it is the utopian image of me in their minds that make change more difficult. I am after all, just a human being in need of love too.
Thank you my dear friends, whom I used to say define me as a person, but I would now say refine my life because I understand that it is ultimately up to me to be. Without you, my life would just be an empty canvas. As for my love, you are the strength that I have everyday, in constant encouragement for me to live my life to the fullest.
What tomorrow brings ... is a mystery to some, but for me, there is joy, and with this joy, brings the courage to face the challenges of tomorrow ...
回新在迹，感慨万分。往常的好友能接受今日的我吗？
如果没有诚实的真，就没有新的突破。
生命不求完美，求真实，才能过得有意义。
今天的我若选择快乐，那明日的我就会有更勇敢。
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Shock Of Honesty
Honesty is shocking, which is why it is much easier to lie. I am not rehashing my previous argument on honesty vs kindness, because I have now come to realise that it also takes maturity to practise kindness as well.
We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.
I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.
I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.
My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.
In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.
I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.
Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.
For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.
What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.
Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.
I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.
We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.
I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.
I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.
My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.
In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.
I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.
Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.
For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.
What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.
Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.
I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.
So, to my friend and perhaps in some degree, myself, we need to congratulate ourselves for not choosing the easy path. It would have been a hollow victory if we had chosen to lie and lived on as we used to. To demand that we indulge in the discomfort helps us break new ground in all areas of our lives.
I had promised myself that when I started this blog that I wanted it to be different, something that I am proud to call mine. In baring my feelings, I am daring myself and writing about what I know. A writer can only be original with the material he know best, and my feelings are my sole property. Hence, if there are people who want to think that it is dangerous or that I have to share this here because I have no friends that I can discuss this with, then I think that it is quite sad. It is the act of sharing that brings joy, not only to others who might be experiencing from similar contradictions and might feel lost and lonely, but ultimately to myself. The gift of love and honesty ...
Thursday, June 08, 2006
回家 - Coming Home
Even though things have not been working out the way I would like them to, it has offered me a chance to pack my bags home for a short holiday between the 1st and 19th July. Watching a colleague talk about his upcoming trip to Hong Kong for two years brought me back to Feb 1998, when I was about to embark on this trip to Australia.
Many people ask me how excited I was or how long I took to plan the trip, but seriously, it all happened in a blur. Singapore had progressed to a state where one could no longer move ahead in society if you didn't have a degree, and since there were only 3 universities and very limited places, it became a norm for many people to seek education overseas.
I was the last amongst all my friends to venture overseas and I remember applying for the universities and then not thinking too much about it. It was highly because my beloved grandmother was very sick at that time, which offered me no time to think about other things, and all I do remember is her saying that "I still want to live to see you get married ..." when I told her I was going to Australia.
Those words still ring in my ears today and even though it wouldn't have been another enactment of the movie, "Wedding Banquet", she died a few months later, leaving me much grieved. Thinking back, I guess it was her departure that paved the way for my emancipation. I deeply believe that I wouldn't have chosen this path if she had still been alive.
Even though I no longer regard Singapore as my home, it is still a resting place for me. A place where my loves will always be and I always look forward to going back. Friends might say why don't you go somewhere else instead of "wasting" money to fly back to Singapore every year, but family will never be a waste, of time and money.
Many of my friends also take my coming home as an opportunity for their yearly gathering, a formal excuse to put down their busies, and come together for a couple of hours. For that, I am truly grateful and honoured for their dedication and friendship.
I am lucky and I know it. To be surrounded by such love ... I am indeed blessed. Coming home to love ...
Many people ask me how excited I was or how long I took to plan the trip, but seriously, it all happened in a blur. Singapore had progressed to a state where one could no longer move ahead in society if you didn't have a degree, and since there were only 3 universities and very limited places, it became a norm for many people to seek education overseas.
I was the last amongst all my friends to venture overseas and I remember applying for the universities and then not thinking too much about it. It was highly because my beloved grandmother was very sick at that time, which offered me no time to think about other things, and all I do remember is her saying that "I still want to live to see you get married ..." when I told her I was going to Australia.
Those words still ring in my ears today and even though it wouldn't have been another enactment of the movie, "Wedding Banquet", she died a few months later, leaving me much grieved. Thinking back, I guess it was her departure that paved the way for my emancipation. I deeply believe that I wouldn't have chosen this path if she had still been alive.
Even though I no longer regard Singapore as my home, it is still a resting place for me. A place where my loves will always be and I always look forward to going back. Friends might say why don't you go somewhere else instead of "wasting" money to fly back to Singapore every year, but family will never be a waste, of time and money.
Many of my friends also take my coming home as an opportunity for their yearly gathering, a formal excuse to put down their busies, and come together for a couple of hours. For that, I am truly grateful and honoured for their dedication and friendship.
I am lucky and I know it. To be surrounded by such love ... I am indeed blessed. Coming home to love ...
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