That Holiday Feeling

I have been back for about a week and a half, and I am still tired. Work has been frantic and my running "joke" when someone asks me how my holiday was, is that "I am paying for it now".

When I first returned, it all seemed like a dream. The holiday, the liaisons, the time spent in Singapore ... but then again, there are the gifts and the memories. One customer that admired my long holiday advised "I know how you feel but don't lose that holiday feeling." It has been more than 10 days since, and it has still resonated with me. How do I not lose it when life here has become even more frantic that before I left?

I recall. I recollect the days I spent with my loving family and my wonderful friends. I look at the photos, smile and sometimes feel the urge to cry. I didn't feel that I missed them as much this time when I am back but when I chat with my family and then get a surprise phone call two days later, saying "We wanted to check because we haven't heard from you in days" when it was only two, I end up sobbing later.

I guess in a deeper part of me hidden by stress and daily life, I am missing everyone quite a bit too. I remember clearly the conversation I had with my 4 year old niece, Joy, about 20 minutes before I departed.

James: Joy, will you miss uncle when I go back to Australia?

Joy: Where is Australia?

James: It's south of Singapore and I have to sit on an aeroplane for about 8 hours to get to Australia (while making signs and symbols with my flapping arms).

Joy: So, you're taking the helicopter?

James: No, I can't take the helicopter. I have to take the aeroplane.

Joy: Oh, the aeroplane ...

James: Do you come with uncle sometime to Australia?

Joy: (deep thoughts) Where is Australia?

I wonder if they get the concept of leaving? Are they too young? Will they miss me? Will they remember the days that we spent together playing? Mum says that they do because they never asked her where I went unlike previous episodes with others. I hugged everyone outside the departure gate and rushed through it because I know that if I don't, tears will follow. I guess I'm not growing into a fan of airport farewells. I pass through the first line of officers, look back, wave and hold back the tears. As I walk towards the shops and pause for a final farewell, I am already crying ... but they can't see clearly, and soon it all becomes a blur. I wipe my tears hurriedly and walk away with the intentions to walk back and steal a last glance of their backs, but I was too late. They had already left ...

Life carries on for us but the overload of work has not allowed me the luxury of missing them. I am now really conscious of what stress can take away from us ... the wonders of feeling, loving, missing and thinking. I am writing this because I want to engulf myself in these warm waves, to feel my body and hear the trembles of every muscle. I also want to thank everyone who made my holiday back in Singapore such a warm and wonderful one and I want to return your love and support should any of you find your way down under.

It is only with this determination and awareness that I will not forget the holiday feeling, stay positive, not succumb to life, but take control. I want to live!

在繁忙的日常生活里容易忘记自我，
脑子里充满的只是忙，盲， 忙。
身体感到的只是累， 累， 累。
忘了生命中重要的东西。
忘了什么是思念，什么是爱。
但是只要有此知觉，
就是踏上真实人生的第一步。

The Return

Like a beautiful yet tragic dream I once had about my beloved grandmother, in my heart I know that time is limited. In the dream which seemed all too real, she was genuine. She didn't speak much or even at all, but her presence was there. I could feel it all too real and so when it was time to bade farewell for some of my relatives, I screamed and cried "No ...", because deep in my heart, I knew that that would also signal the end.

I am counting the days I am here, the minutes, the seconds. My reliable watch that has served me so dutifully seemed to understand my intentions and on many occasions slowed time down to almost a halt. I watched the second hand move indecisively, so if to say that it empathised with me.

I am happy. Delighted that I am making full use of my time in Singapore. As I had predicted, it was ripe time for a return. I had missed them and as I live my life in a parallel universe, they had grown and moved on. But it's like we would now stop and then converge into a single path for a short time, and enjoy the happiness that it brings.

I have made no doubt my love for children, during the weekend before I arrived where I spent time with a beautiful set of twins and, now to my wonderful darlings. I have also discussed the possibility of me having children, and I am not having second thoughts, but I salute every loving and responsible parent in the world, and mostly my parents. It is a full time job and even though there is plenty of joy, it's a never-ending task. What I do believe though is that it helps cultivate and bring out the best in people, loving beyond the point of no return, selflessly.

I have allowed myself to live in their world, which is not a difficult task for people who know me, because they say I'm a dreamer, so I fit well. I am surprised by their rapid embrace, because they do not accomodate well to strangers, but neither am I a constant presence in their lives. Maybe through their innocent eyes, they can see the child in me reaching out to them as well.

I am lucky to have reacquainted with many friends, and mostly a old friend yesterday who I am honoured to share mine and his life experiences with. It was a little awkward after 10 years since our last meeting, because physically we have both changed, but I still see images of my old friend in there. Maybe that is how I will always see him and no matter what happens, my love and support for him will remain unchanged that way, because of the person he is.

The lesson that I learnt yesterday are the blinds that we use to view people. Colour lenses that stereotype. If I can remove these for my friend, then I can do it to my other prejudices as well. If I can do it, then I am sure everyone is capable of that as well. Dare I dream of such a paradise? We all have a part to play and it has to start with me.

Yesterday's encounter has also allowed me to see myself more clearly. The love and support that I am capable of giving. I will look into pouring more of that into my future career and life and see if that is indeed my true calling.

Lastly, during this trip, I am seeing more clearly the importance of relationships. Not only those with our partners in love, business or friendship, but also more importantly our family, one that we sometimes forsake more readily than others. Maybe it is the love that causes more conflicts. If there wasn't love, then maybe it would all be a sea of luxurious cream. Our time is limited, but relationships sproud, grow and die within the space of our time. If success and achievements can be measured by the love and strength of relationships, then where would I stand and would this world be a better place to be ...

在人生的道路上，人与人之间的感情是否只限于昙花一现。
如果一生的成就是以真情衡量，那今天的世界是否也会更完美。