Myself - 自我 -

I believe I have mentioned it before that I am currently in a Mens' Group. It was set up as an avenue for men in safe (confidential) environment to discuss freely about the matters of their hearts. Initially I thought that I wouldn't have too much need for this because I pour out my heart on my blog and my friends, but recently, I found that I am really enjoying it because we are exploring deeper into who we are as human beings, which are really interesting topics.

One of the most interesting points that stayed with me previously was that "It is always easier to talk about someone else than us". I think part of this is because I have been brought up to think that I would be too conceited if I just blabbered about myself incessantly all the time, and rarely in daily conversations, do we explore the myriad of feelings and emotions that we experience with various incidents. It is always easier to just describe the events and ignore the impact on us when it is obviously what caused us to talk about it in the first place. It is easier to curse the situation, person than share our experience and effects because it does not make for interesting gossip for most people. It helps to connect people but we are more used to conventional water cooler topics than revelations that could move. Are we just more shallow when it comes to having such conversations with friends or do we just not try hard enough?

I am lucky to have friends outside the Mens' group that I can do so, but I am also acutely aware that not everyone might be comfortable sharing such intimate information, but are we ready for it when someone takes the first step? Would this world be a more beautiful place if we share our real selves and everyone listened without prejudice and judgment, like in these artificial environment nurtured by the groups.

Another fascinating discovery over our last meeting for me was "When in a relationship, when it is okay to put ourselves in the first place?". Being the only gay man in the group, I think I don't have to feel like I am the breadwinner or the protector of the relationship, but I was seriously thinking about how many of us, including myself, do not put ourselves in the first place. I don't know if it is my insecurity that if I don't constantly give, that I will not receive the love back, or just that because the true joys is more in the giving, that I always believe in putting myself below other's needs most of the time. But if I don't, I am reminded that the world will not collapse and I will not die.

One important thing that came to mind is my determination to visit my family and spend at least two weeks with them a year because of their love for me. It is their love for me that allows me to stay in Sydney and this is one of the only ways I can repay them for their generosity. Since we only have about a month's leave a year, this does not afford me another opportunity for another long holiday with John both financially and time wise. One of the other things that someone shared reminded me that John and I have a family of our own and our little traditions that we will plan and live, and it is sometimes that I have not given too much thought of in the past, but I thought completely true and sweet.

It is the second time I heard that "I will not die if I don't go to Singapore for one year", which is true but the fact is that I do miss my family terribly and thankfully, John is totally empathetic. He told me that he wouldn't like to imagine being able to see his Mum only once or twice a year. However, I am acutely aware of our own need for a holiday, so I sometimes struggle to strike a balance to keep everyone happy. But am I?

I love my family and I love John very much. It isn't easy but I guess I have to find better ways to strike this balance and how I can do this both because as much as I would love to travel, would someone understand the pain of not being able to see and share their love with their families as often as possible? I can only do what I can, but I am happy when everyone is, and the price of seeing my family happy makes my yearly visit to Singapore fruitful. That said, I would like to give this new hypothesis a try by visiting Paris and parts of Europe with John next year.

A final issue that emerged, which John has constantly reminded me and was brought up, was my relationship with my father. My father is not the typical Asian father one would associate with. Growing up with a father who practised polygamy, he never had a 24 hour full time dad that he could live with. He had to share him with two other families and many other foster siblings. I can't expand more because he is fiercely private about his childhood, and hasn't shared much as compared to my mother, so I only knew snippets from my Mum or aunt. His views on fatherhood was probably shaped by his own experience, and hence he set out to be the best father he can be, and he has succeeded. Instead of taking a cold authoritarian approach, he was kind but firm, and never shied away from displaying affection, like kisses or hugs whenever he can.

He helped us in all our decisions (and probably made most of them - Ha! Ha!), and I know I am admired by some of my friends for having such a loving and dutiful father. I have learnt to appreciate his love more as I grow older because he has proved to be a very positive role model but transition from father to friend has been a little tougher. It isn't easy all the time when he has told us before that we will always be his little children no matter how old we are. I don't think this is a reflection that he wants to be the patriarch, but that he will always want to provide us with whatever we lack in life, and be a parent and friend at the same time (which is what he told us when we were young), but I noticed that we seem to have difficulties in discussing about certain life issues like adults, because I don't think he sees me as one sometimes.

John laments that our conversations are relegated to the "Yes-No" simplicity and he constantly reminds me of our short time on Earth, but I find it difficult to break the mould over the phone. Listening to one of my friends who is a father himself to six grown children, he says that he yearns for his children to know him, not as a father, but also as a contributor to this world, a human being in all. I am most inspired by this and know that I will seek to learn about my own father in my next visit. I am also eager to explore deeper relationships with my closer ones in my life as I get more comfortable in my own skin. I have known for a long time that we have to be open before we can move others to open to us as well, but I have never really done too much of that with my own family. I think my family would like to know me as a person and I think they should be proud of who I am.

I know now that it is not conceit but vital for me to talk about myself sometimes, and for me to place myself and my needs first because then I will be a more balanced human being. In being so, I am possibly open up new windows within myself that may delight others in the process as well.

Better Safe Than Sorry?

Thanks to everyone who commented on my previous post, which seemed to be quite a "hot topic", my dear friend from Canada wrote me a rather passionate letter warning me about the potential dangers of just being who I want to be, which seemed to be the reflection of thoughts from some of you.

He was unable to post a comment because he probably didn't have a gmail account, but this is what he wrote:

Some people wrote to you to say that you should not be concerned if your conscience is clear and you are simply doing what is good. Sorry, I disagree with them. Who is going to back you up if no one is looking and if you had not planned ahead of time. From experience I can tell you that most people prefer to remain "uninvolved" and out of any kind of controversy. Truly, you want to help those in need but you also want to protect yourself.

One of my friends was sentenced to time in minimum security prison because he felt sorry for someone, tried to help them and was accused of sexual misconduct. I know the guy, know how he tries to help everyone and also that he would not have committed sexual misconduct because this was a woman accusing him and he is gay. Any way, I was not present so could not vouch for him and others would not get involved. The only thing I could to to help was visit him in prison. Now he is out but always has someone with him when he is helping anyone out. One of my other friends was accused of misconduct but I was actually there and able to defend them against those who were accusing him. There are a number of other examples I could speak of but my main point is that you have to be careful, regardless of your intentions. Intentions only get a person so far so, please don't be naive enough to think that a clear conscience is protection for accusations. Keep in mind that I am speaking not of just sexual misconduct; physical abuse, emotional abuse, are also accusations that people are having to face. I am not suggesting that a person live alone in a cave, just that they be careful to protect themselves from unjust accusations.

I am really thankful to Makary for bringing this to my and now everyone's attention. I totally believe that there are such true cases in life, because the society does certain communities of people who are perceived to be more vulnerable. If a woman that I am helping suddenly accuses me of sexual assault even though I am innocent, and no one is around to witness, who would the judge believe?

My dilemma though now is when to help or do we just stand by and watch it all happen? There is a current case in Australia where a Muslim was jailed in suspicion of assisting in the foiled London bombings recently and was held with no actual charge of about a month. The Australian Federal police and government claimed that they had proof that his mobile SIM card was found in his cousin's car that exploded. It was since discovered that it was a lie, and the SIM card was about 300 km away. This is the first case that tests the new Australian anti-terrorism laws and now that this debacle has put these laws into the spotlight, the prime minister is saying that "When it comes to terrorism, it is always better to be safe than sorry."

I know that this is not entirely linked, but it does reflect the fear that we possess for our fellow beings, and it is our leaders who helped shape the attitudes of the world. What messages do I, as an adult, want to pass down to my younger generation, in particular, my nephew and niece? When it comes to helping others, is it really better to be safe than sorry, or does it only restrict to us, as single men? What can we do to change the impressions of the world?

Is This Still The Same World?

I had a particularly nasty experience last Sunday, rather Earth shattering in many ways to me. I believe my love for children is well documented, not only by my stories but also by the number of baby and children photos I share on this blog.

Last Sunday, as I walked out of JB Hi-Fi (the local mega music store) towards Town Hall Station, I passed by the boutique Jeans West and a shirt on the show window caught my eye. As I turned around to head for a closer look, I was distracted by the sight of a two or three year old boy running out of the store, giggling with glee. I saw the woman in front of me flinch, paused for a second, and then proceeded to go on her way. Seeing that there was no parent in sight, I caught hold of the child's arm as he swooshed past me.

At the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an adult running out, and assuming it was one of the parents, I stood still waiting for whoever it was to claim the child. A young woman rushed out, flustered, and when she saw that I had held onto the child, paused about 2 metres away from me. In a scene reminiscent of a police heist, she said to me sternly "Mate. You can let go of him now". I was shocked. I thought I had heard wrongly. She repeated, "Yes, you can let go of him now".

I loosened my grip and then she said "Thank you". It all turned out to be a blur from then on, as I proceeded to the window to look at the shirt. However, I no longer held interest because a part of me was dying inside. Here is a stranger who has just accused me of being a possible pedophile, kidnapper, nasty man etc. I sought within myself to deny this new "identity" that this stranger has just imposed on me. I was drowning with this new tag on top of me. I was confused that I didn't know how to react. Instead of getting back at her, I silently walked away.

I don't know if I was expecting any gratitude, but her reaction was totally uncalled for. What I did was a good deed and all I received was an accusation. It was unfair and what I would hate to come out of this is my fear of caring and intervening when we need to. This is why people stop helping others. The child could have run into an escalator or a door and injured himself. Someone else could have ran away with him. What did she think I was going to do? There were so many people around. None stopped to help and what did she think I could do? Run, molest, kidnap?

It really affected my mood for the rest of the day and upon further analysis, I realised that it touched on several insecurities and issues within myself ... especially around the seeming impossibility of parenthood and how I may never have this sort relationship with any child that I can call my own, and also the fact that I have been away from my family for almost a year, and I miss them.

Thankfully, my friends whom I had shared my experience with, have all expressed their shock and horror at the mother's reaction. I wonder if it was her way of skirting responsibility and asserting blame on others since she was the one that had not taken more care of the child? If not, what has this world become?

カバークレイジー - Just The Way We Were -

I'd never thought I would say this. I'd probably die if I knew at 16 or 20 that I was going to sound like my parents. "Music just isn't what it is anymore ...", they would lament to the "innovative" sounds of Faye Wong, who brought on a new generation of breathy singing. "You are just a "traditionalist" that can't keep up with the times", I used to think.

Japanese music has really moved on from the traditional enka to 70's pop which still had a very distinctive Japanese flavour to 80's bubblegum pop, 90's R & B infused pop to today's hip hop and rap generation. Where have all the good songwriters gone? Have they run of ideas or inspiration, or just that their melodic songs are no longer being heard because they feel that they have to conform to today's trends?

Today's popular Japanese music is heavily Western influenced and rarely do we all agree on a good melody because there simply isn't one anymore. It's all about hooks and all 5 seconds of it, repeating itself throughout the songs. The rest of the songs become fillers around this hook. I'm not complaining about all of them, and I am not sure if it is because I have grown older that I don't feel like humming/singing to those songs anymore. The new generation move their bodies to the beat like waves hitting the shores, as they close in their little worlds with their iPods. then, my music transported me to a new fantasy land, and I sing to the entire song, with as much belief, even if I couldn't understand what they were singing. That probably helped a lot too because then I could plan my own magic carpet ride ...

Is this why we are seeing a growing trend of cover albums by singers that we have grown up with in the 80s and 90s? That they share the sentiment that there are not many good songs that they really feel are worthy or is it a project that they take on, in hope of good sales so that they can move projects that they really want to embark on?

Akina is slowly gaining more recognition amongst the younger generation as a "cover artist" because her cover albums sell a lot more than her originals. Not surprising since more marketing is dedicated to it, but are we, as a generation who have started listening to Japanese music in the 80s and 90s, unable to move on, and prefer to hang on to our melodies and memories?

What constitutes a good cover album? A good selection of songs or good sales? Is it a singer who is able to make the compositions theirs and move you to a new level or one that inclines you to pick out the originals and immerse yourself in those bitter sweet memories again? Where does Akina lie?

For me, Akina likes to pick more obscure songs, with the exception of Zero. It is always a gamble to challenge an original especially if the singer who popularised it is synonymous with the song. It is going to invite comparison but it is a good selling/talking point as well. It takes a lot of courage to do so and walk away with it victorious. Overall, I believe that Akina is good singer and is able to inject her own life into their songs. I don't particularly feel that I have a desire to go listen to the originals to relive my memories. I can still walk that road with Akina. Another singer that I feel I can do is with is 福山雅治, whose cover album "The Golden Oldies" is the best selling cover album of all time and deservedly so. He is able to transcend the originals and make a song his, even if the original is a female singer. I haven't listened to any of 岩崎宏美's 「Dear Friends」 series, but she is a good singer, so I think she will fall into the "good covers" category.

Not so successful is 工藤静香 whose cover album is not as interesting, though it may be because she covered plenty of obscure material to me. Many people may also say that she has a rather unique voice which is not soothing, and the cover albums tend to be more "stripped to the basics", with a band or orchestra, creating that jazzy, easy breezy listening style that is unintrusive . However that said, she did lead me to the discovery of the song 「かもめはかもめ」 which I love. It is also one of the "quieter" songs in that album though.

Another singer that I have a hard time debating myself over is 徳永英明, who 乱火さん adores. His 「Vocalist」 series have been huge hits and I have always been cynical because I think it has more to do with the song selection that anything else. He can hit all the higher notes alright, but to me, he sounds monotonous, and I yearn for the originals to let them wash over me like tsunamis, not ripples that he sends.

While 「艶華-Enka-」 keeps its daily ranking of 28th for the second day, I noticed yesterday that 徳永英明's 「Vocalist」 and 「Vocalist2」 re-entered the daily charts from nowhere to No. 9 and No. 6 respectively. Fuelled probably by the release of his new cover single 「恋におちて -Fall in Love-」 this week, it has invigorated sales of his two previous cover albums, in anticipation of his cover release due 15th August. Out of curiosity, I played his two 「Vocalist」 albums this morning, and in my "semi-conscious" state, I found them rather enjoyable, in an unintrusive sort of way, like BGM. Maybe I can now understand how 乱火さん feels. I think it is also a quiet evening album of loneliness, and his voice projects that. I sing along, but in my head, the voice of the originals floats, and my voice seem to channel them instead of him. I wonder why ...

According to the AN Fun Site, the songlist for his new 「Vocalist 3」 has been released together with the news that another singer that I like, 杏里 is also releasing a new cover album to celebrate her joining the Universal Japan family. These are the tracklists for both albums:

徳永英明「VOCALIST3」
2007年8月15日発売
【収録曲】
01. PRIDE (今井美樹)
02. まちぶせ (original: 三木聖子written by 荒井由実 and popularised by 石川ひとみ in 1981. 松任谷由実 self covered it to higher heights in 1996)
03. ENDLESS STORY (伊藤由奈)
04. 桃色吐息 (高橋真梨子)
05. CAN YOU CELEBRATE？ (安室奈美恵)
06. やさしいキスをして (Dreams Come True)
07. わかれうた (中島みゆき)
08. 迷い道 (渡辺真知子)
09. たそがれマイ・ラヴ (大橋純子)
10. 恋におちて-Fall in Love- (小林明子)
11. Time goes by
12. 月のしずく (Rui: 柴咲コウ)
13. 元気を出して (薬師丸ひろ子,written and covered by 竹内まりや)

杏里「tears of anri」
2007年9月12日発売
【収録曲】（予定）
悲しみがとまらない（杏里）
やさしいキスをして（DREAMS COME TRUE）
夜空ノムコウ（川村結花）
雨音はショパンの調べ（小林麻美）
会いたい（沢田知可子）
優しい雨（小泉今日子）
あなたのキスを数えましょう～You were mine（小柳 ゆき）
探偵物語（薬師丸ひろ子）
聖母たちのララバイ（岩崎宏美）
雨（森高千里）
LOVE IS ALL～愛を聴かせて～（椎名恵）

I am still happy to listen to 「VOCALIST3」 but I am looking forward to Anri's cover album more. Maybe it is novelty but if Anri released an original album and this cover album, I think I would be more inclined to buy the latter. I wonder if I am now a laggard, someone who does not follow the buying trend as quickly as the younger generation would, or I just enjoy my music the way it used to be.

I don't know if I ever want Akina to stop singing covers, because I think she would release a great jazz influenced original album, or a cover album of 山口百恵 songs. I would also like to see her cover/sing a 中島みゆき and 松任谷由実 composition (魔法の鏡 is from her 荒井由実 years) in my lifetime because I think she has the experience now to cover them to satisfaction. Just like 「いい日旅立ち」, I think she covered it well. I don't want to compare it with the original because Mome sang it when she was 19 and she is synonymous with the song, but I think Akina interpreted it well.

ロマンスが止まらない - A Touch Of French -

I love good surprises, so imagine my joy when I received one of the most wonderful surprises over the weekend, a romantic concert experience and a sumptuous dinner to follow.

Since John is not someone who generally enjoys a surprise, he asked me this time last week how much time and preparation I would need if he planned a surprise. I didn't really know what to say, so I replied "Well, I guess I don't need much time, but if you need me to be at a certain place at a certain time, then I think a reasonable time should be allowed." I shoved it to the back of my mind, thinking it must be the musical "Spelling Bee" that I mentioned that I would like to watch.

On Saturday afternoon, I received a phone call from an anonymous person asking to speak to John about a nine o'clock dinner reservation. I didn't manage to catch the name of the restaurant and I also wondered if I had heard wrongly because nine was very late, and we never have our dinner this late, but I didn't persist on questioning the origin of the call. Deciding that this was the surprise, I played along and said "I think this is meant to be a surprise, and unfortunately, he is currently in a seminar which will end around 3 pm. Would you mind calling him back then?" She sounded a little sheepish and promised to do so. John called back about 20 minutes later to see if I had picked up a call and I mentioned in nonchalant fashion that there was someone who called about a 9 pm dinner reservation. He quickly dismissed it as a work function that he was organising and I played along.

I decided to give him some free time to himself so I settled on my weekly routine of Chinatown marketing and shopping after the phone call. On my way back, I received a phone call from John asking where I was, and I reassured him that I was near home. When I returned, he told me that I must have guessed that the dinner was the surprise, and I assured him that I really didn't know the name of the restaurant that we were going to. When he revealed it to be Wildfire, which we had a really wonderful dinner once with my ex-boss which was my farewell dinner at my last work, I was elated.

We left for dinner around 6 pm, parked the car about 1 km away, and started walking towards Sydney Opera House, because Wildfire was on Circular Quay. As we neared the Opera House, since it was still too early for our 7.30 pm dinner reservation (he says), he fished out two tickets to a cabaret performance by French singer Caroline Nin: Hymne a Piaf. It was her tribute to Edith Piaf. I was shocked because I had no idea and this is such a generous and lovely gift, but it did help to explain why the dinner reservation was at nine.

It was his present to me for showering my love and support during these past few months, and it was a really sweet gesture. When I didn't show any exhilaration, he questioned my admiration for Piaf and I reassured him that it was probably that I was still recovering from my surprise.

We walked into the small intimate hall (the Studio) and sat on the first row, though not exactly in front of Caroline because there were tables and chairs in front of us to replicate the feel of a downtown French cabaret bar. Caroline started off with a relatively unknown Piaf song in English and then polished it off in French. We were both wondering if she was going to continue this potentially tiresome routine, but we were soon very pleasantly treated to a journey in France and a trip down Piaf's life. Caroline has her roots in Jazz and though she never reaches the power of the original Edith Piaf and is disappointing to some, I found it so soothing to hear her interpret Piaf's songs with a jazz twist, and entertaining at the same time as she re-enacted scenes in some of these songs. In poetic fashion, she retold the stories in the songs, which would otherwise have been lost on most of the English speaking crowd. She drew John and I into this romantic swirl and left us enthralled, our escapade in Paris, French music and love.

It kicked off the perfect start and by the time the 1 hour and 10 minute concert ended, we were in the mood for a romantic dinner. There was way too much delicacies and also too much champagne for me, but this really made up for the horrible times that we shared last month. It also help squash all myths that couples cannot find romance five years down the road. I believe we love each other more than we did in the first year and this was one of the definitive ways to celebrate it. Easily one of the most memorable and romantic evenings we shared, I will never forget it. Thank you my love ...

Så som i himmelen

What does your heaven look like? For me, it's a place where there is no fear, only love, and I will have everything that I always wanted - not so much material goods, but the people I love around me.

"As It In Heaven" made the Australian news recently as the small film that out-grossed "Titanic" at the classic Orpheum cinema in Cremorne, North Sydney. We made plans a couple of months ago when we heard raves about the movie to watch it, but since it was a fair distance away (across the Harbour Bridge which we rarely venture unless we visit John's family in Newcastle), it never eventuated.

We finally bit the bullet in shivering temperatures last Thursday evening, and walked out close to midnight, warm in our hearts. Made in 2004 and a Best Foreign Picture Oscar nominee in 2005, this crowd pleaser is a story about relationships and how music and love can move us to open our hearts and allow love in. It could have been a real mush-fest but under the skillful hands of Swedish filmmakers, we are thankfully excused from a saccharine and sentimental experience.

The movie begins with a talented seven year old boy playing the violin in the fields and how not far away, ran some bullies who would soon locate and beat him to a pulp because he was different. His sole parent, his mother soothes him and comforts him that he will never have to suffer the pain again by moving them to the city. There at fourteen, while preparing for his entry for a major contest, he glances out of the window just in time to catch his mother being knocked down by a chair.

We are treated next to his adulthood and here he is, grand as a world renowned conductor of an orchestra, his genius in full force as blood is gushing out of his nose while he in fully entrenched in his work. The next few scenes establish him as a perfectionist as he berates the musicians for apparently not dedicating their lives as much as he does to his passion. As he walks off finishing another performance, he collapses, and it is revealed that he suffered a heart attack.

He decides to take a break and though he doesn't realise why then, decides to go back to his birthplace, and buys the school that he first studied at. Being a loner all his life, he finds life in this small town a little difficult to adjust to at first, because of the proximity of the relationships between the townsfolk, which he is not accustomed to, since he has been a loner since his mother died. One day, he makes a decision to train the church choir, and through his unique techniques, to breathe and live music instead of just singing it, he brings salvation and freedom to the many people in this choir and town. Without being aware, he buys the school he was taught and ends up teaching life lessons to them and himself.

It is not exactly "The Sound of Music", which is one of my favourite films of all time, but it does share a similar theme of the power of music and love. There are some wonderful scenes and messages in the film, the best easily being the confrontation between the town pastor and his wife. I am so happy that someone finally put it down on the screen because it is so true that Jesus Christ never forgave because he never condemned in the first place. It is all about power hungry people using religion as their own way of getting what they want, and preaching their own views and values rather than Christ. I am not religious but I really balk at what some famous archbishops have to say about issues and in particular marginalised people, just because they are not common. We are all normal, just uncommon.

I also adore the theme of honesty in the movie, and how we need to open our hearts first before love can enter. It is all about giving and the joys of it, and how when it can return if you start by giving. I love the communal feel of the small town and how these group of people learn to speak their minds and live the lives that they want, and the support they learn to provide to each other, and strength in numbers. The power of being and the inspiration of music and life.

Another scene that struck a real note with me was one of the choir members standing up to a bully, and finally confronting him for berating him all these years, giving him a nickname that he could never live outside. This really reminded me of the painful days when I was growing up, and how nicknames given by bullies at school used to hurt so much, and no matter what I did, tried to fit in, that I would never be able to be one of them. Why does this still happen in life? Oh what I would give to relive all those years and give it back to them. To be brave and say to them that I am happy with who I am and I no longer have to be afraid. Maybe this is why I have not kept in touch with them, and I know that if I stood next to them today, that I wouldn't be the one feeling ashamed. I may not be more successful or richer than anyone of them, but I am certain that I am more complete and I am happy with I am and the life I am leading.

This is a truly moving and powerful movie. It is so many things to so many people that one word or an adjective cannot sum up the entire movie, but they are speechless nonetheless. I don't want to hike up the expectations for anyone because it is dangerous to walk into any film with such hopes, but if you do get a chance to watch it, see if music opens your heart to love as well.

Parenting

Saw this ad yesterday morning on the sign board in front of one of the schools, not far away from my office and I must say it is rather strange but refreshing. I snapped the photo and immediately shared with the rest of the girls in my office. "It has moved" came one response. Puzzled I questioned, and it appears so that it used to be pinned to the back of the doors in the ladies restroom and it has now been "promoted" to an official notice board.

We had a small discussion and wondered if the description of appearance referred to the desired mother or the actual childbearer. Cynical as always, we came to the conclusion that she probably wanted a white baby, and this was the most politically correct way to place definitions.

John and I had always thought of having a child of ours, but it is not as if we could advertise like this. Firstly, it wouldn't work because none of us possess a womb, and secondly Australia prohibits any gay adoption. Not surprising, because they seem to always pick up reports that support their hypothesis that "Gay parents will always rear gay children". What they don't understand or the point that they seem to miss that most of our parents (of gay children) are actual heterosexual identifying, and we all had a very normal heterosexual upbringing, and since gay marriage and parenting is such a "New Age" phenomenon, where do they get their statistics from.

The other thing I find it ridiculous that they object to gay parenting/adopting is the belief that we will be bad parents. Did it ever cross their minds that this is a choice that we actually make. We can have sex as much as we want and never once will ever run the risk of being pregnant, so do they think that we are pushed into being parents like people who are knocked up after a one night stand. We understand the incredible responsibilities, and our desire to have a child is not the result of a one night consequence. Like women in the workforce with all eyes watching, mouths and minds ready to make a criticism and condemn us forever, don't you think we will work twice, thrice, a million times as hard to make sure that we do not fault?

My dear friend Joe looks at his partner and I when we play with our friend's twins that it is such a pity that we will never have children of our own. I know we lament that ourselves, and though John is a willing partner, he won't even entertain the thought as long as I am not out to my parents. It is a difficult decision, to have or not to have. At the moment, I am happy just to spend time with babies and then giving them back, but I always wonder what kind of a parent I would make. Will I suffocate the child with my love? Will I be a good parent that is loving and supportive regardless of the life choices my child eventually wants to make? See that I have the same insecurities as every parent?

I can take on more babysitting responsibilities and that might help to satisfy my needs for a while, but for every heterosexual and homosexual couple out there who yearn to have a child, I understand the need for someone to share our love with, just like heterosexual couples who are lucky to have children do. We are built for love, and I can only hope that the world will understand us someday, that love will breed love, not just homosexual or heterosexual, but happy children and human beings.

Getting Back My Life

The last month is undoubtedly one of the most stressful periods of my life. I can't remember the last time I was this challenged. I guess it is not surprising since Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs places "Physiological Needs" at the bottom of the pyramid, making the first need that humans will look to satisfy before their higher level needs will be addressed. Shelter is one of these physiological needs and a place to call home definitely falls under that category.

The move happened on the Friday before the horrible floods hit NSW. We were lucky to get most out of the way before the thunderstorms hit and we were both exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally. Thanks to my perseverance, we cleared all boxes within 36 hours. I was the box Nazi, clearing my stuff and then starting on John's. My strategy was to empty his boxes and place the stuff on the table, so that he has no choice but to clear them. It worked.

For me, it was like a strange form of a cleansing and re-energising ceremony. Getting rid of all evidence of the horrible month and settling back into our life. What I didn't anticipate was the settling down period. Unlike the last time where the transition was immediate, it took a few restless nights and another week or so of feeling locked out of my own skin before I could finally grab hold of my life rails once again. John was very supportive after the first week of our move while I calmed down, and then after I recovered, it was his turn.

It was nice that we both took turns to go crazy while the other supported. It really helped to strengthen our relationship and our love for each other, which was one of the best things that came out of this incident. Now that I have had a couple of normal weekends to myself, I am starting to recall what it felt like before my life was consumed with looking for a new place to live or buy. It's such a bliss not to have to worry and just enjoying what the next moment might bring.

Heart's Asylum

We got it.

After days of self doubt and franzied anticipation, the decision was finally delivered to us this afternoon at 3 pm. When yesterday turned into thin air and as my anxiety grew this morning, I deliberated whether to call for an update or not. Working in the current environment where I abhor students with no patience and have to constantly call up for an update, I wonder if I was turning into one of my nightmare cases.

Curiosity got the better of me and I wanted to show that I was still interested, so I picked up the phone and started off apologetically for causing any inconvenience. I knew we were still in the game when she sweetly disclosed that they were still waiting for the landlord's response. It didn't really help because no one around me knew the games of these real estate agents. Do they present their best case or do the landlords play Russian Roulette?

When the call finally arrived, I could detect a small sense of congratulatory in her tone over the receiver, as she told me that we were successful in our application and asked when we could pop over to pay a week's rental deposit. I replied "Right away" because it was about a 20 minute walk up to where they were. I also thanked her and said that she had no idea how much I appreciated this decision. As I hung up the phone and hi-fived my best mate, Maya at work, the office erupted into roars of cheering as they had all been on the fringe of this rollercoaster ride with me.

I ran up as fast as I could and paid the sweet natured receptionist, who always appeared a little impatient over the phone whenever I called, but was very charming in person. I also asked if there was any way there was going to be retraction of their promise and she promised me No, but I guess after this entire episode, I wouldn't really settle till I sign the lease agreement.

I am elated that this is almost finally over us and I want to take this special opportunity to thank everyone - all my dear friends and readers - who have given John and I so much love, concern and support over the past weeks and especially over the past few days. You have given me strength to continue walking this journey called life and I don't think I would have been able to do so without all your prayers and your love. Thank you.

Address to Nowhere

It has been another fruitless day and "doomsday" seems to be drawing nearer.

I keep reminding myself that it is not the end of the world, but not everyone can see as positively as I can. Maybe it is because I know that the anticipation is always worse than the real thing itself. Just like the SOC (Standard Obstacle Course) that we have to clear during our Army. As I stand on the starting line waiting for the horn to sound, I recall all the horrific anticipation which basically starts at the opening of my eyelids down to that very point. It doesn't get any worse than that.

When the whistle blows and I am running, 700 metres towards the first obstacle, all I can think of is making the end point, as my rifle hits the base of my helmet. I am already running. The race has begun and the anticipation is over. I can now see the end ...

Maybe all these experiences have prepared me better for life experiences. There is always something nice out of every bad situation. During my most difficult phase of my life, which is undoubtedly my army experience, I experienced camadarie with my fellow mates, friendships, bonds that cannot be replicated anywhere. Now, the deepening of our love and relationship. The bond between us and our friends.

It is tough to watch a movie or TV and see someone in their home because it reminds me that I might not have one to call mine soon. I know that we have been a little choosy but if we have to sign on a rental bond for a year, we've got to have some standards. Unfortunately, those standards come with a price tag that can destroy dreams. So, is paying the extra money worth all the heartache and misery that we are currently going through?

The weekend has been less bad than I have anticipated because I am now resigned to the worst case scenario, in anticipation that we might not be successful on Monday. Pessimisim? Hardly. Realism. Yes! The other thing that helps me is my asking myself the question "If this is my final weekend on Earth, do I really want to dwell in misery?" My answer is No, hence I am trying my best to make sure that I still live every moment to the fullest. I may not have a ready smile or a secure heart at the moment, but I still have my sense of humour and a will to live.

Life is strange. You notice every second and minute crack on the wall when it is painful but the happy moments fly. Why can't it be the other way around? Maybe then, we may not appreciate the happy times enough because we know somehow that they don't last long enough for us to savour.

I am scared but I know that it will get me nowhere. Being strong is bravery in the toughest of times and I am certainly trying my level best.

Pray

Please pray for us. I'm not a religious person but I believe that there is a higher being, like God, but my God is impartial and listens to everyone. So, I was hoping that you can reach that God of yours and help us say a little prayer.

I don't know if you are aware, but John and I moved into our current apartment in December and signed a six month lease in hope that we would find our dream home to own. Unfortunately, fate has been a little unkind. Not only did we not find something that we liked, but the current owner ran into some financial difficulties resulting in him having no choice but to put our home up for sale.

To add to our woes, the new owner has decided to move into the apartment, hence giving us till the end of our lease on the 9th June to move out. Unfortunately, according to the NSW TenacyAgreement, if one is still within the lease period, the owner only has to give us 14 days notice to move out. We had 4 weeks.

As reported in the news, the rental market is rosy for the owners but horrible for renters like us. We have been looking over the past week or so, and have only settled on one today that we would like to move into. Not surprisingly, there will be competition, and sadly for us, we will only get the outcome on Monday.

Life has been extremely stressful over the past week. Last Saturday, I experienced my first bout of anxiety attack in a really long time. After inspecting 7 apartments and finding nothing that suited us, I felt this strong nausea attack come from no where. I felt weak in my joints and at times could hardly walk. I told myself to take deep breaths and at the same time, not crumble because I cannot do so at this crucial point in time. Since John suffered more the last time than I did when we were given a first "eviction" notice six months ago, I felt that I had to be strong because we can't both suffer a breakdown at the same time.

Thankfully, a friend of ours invited us for a DVD evening which helped to calm us down a little with lots of pampering (good food, wine and hosting) but the rest of the weekend dragged on. I felt myself falling into a deep pit and all I craved was the sounds of my friend's soothing comforts, even though I knew that there was no real solution they could offer. It was only till Sunday evening that I sort some respite when I finally grabbed hold of the phone and blabbered to my closest friends, who all lent a very sympathetic ear.

I realised that the breakdown and the anxiety was due to inaction. The moment also brought me back to the times when I had to wait for the Australian Immigration department to approve on my work visas. There was nothing that I could do except wait for the outcome or the weekend to end in this case. It was horribly insecure feeling and I totally understood how John felt. According to Maslow hierarchy of needs (look I retained my Marketing knowledge), survival needs are at the very core, and if these needs are not satisfied, then nothing else matters. I floated through the weekend like a timeless soul lost in my own home and space. I think I was trying to be brave and strong the entire time I was surprised that I suffered all that anxiety and felt like throwing up.

Once the weekend was over and I was back at work, I was kept distracted with a heavy workload but my colleagues's and boss's understanding to allow me to take some time off to look at property websites and inspections itself helped me to gain a bit of solid ground.

John and I had a few arguments, miraculous considering the amount of stress that we were both shouldering. However, I wasn't going to let this destroy me, us or him, so I took on my carer's cap once again. There were times when we both turned impossible but it was constant communication that kept us and our relationship sane.

I was at the Mens' Group yesterday and I told them that one of my releases is to write. To explode into words, not screams and insults because they would just seem to fade into thin air, and disappear. Writing offers me a solace, like a faithful friend, always ready to listen, never questioning. Sometimes, I get on a flow, especially when I am wounded like this, and words pour like blood out of the wound.

John says it will take him at least a week to get over this anxiety, and I agree, but I am trying to be sensible and rational. It might not be the healthiest, but I guess the army trained me well to accept the stressful situation but always keep a lookout for the light.

Tomorrow is the start of another weekend, strangely a few of those that I don't look forward to. I don't know how I will cope tomorrow afternoon if we still don't find any other suitable accomodation. We have very kind friends who have offered to share their homes with us, but we don't want to do that and are keeping that to the very last resort. Will I have another anxiety attack? Will I resign myself to fate? Will I wish that the weekend will never end, so that hope lingers in my heart that we might get to rent the place we applied for today.

I can only pray. Pray that something good might come out of all the good things I have done in my entire life. Will God listen? Will I still believe if I don't get it?

People say that life experiences happen for a reason. If this happened so that I realise the importance of owning a home, can I say that I have learnt that lesson well already? All I know is that I will never wish this upon anyone. So, my friend, if you are listening, can you please pray for us? Thank you ...

Holiday Adventure in Melbourne

For the third consecutive year, John and I chose to celebrate our anniversary in lovely Melbourne. Unlike Sydney where the city "just happened", Melbourne was planned with the streets designed in a grid-like structure. The efficiencies of trams and Victorian beauty still stands today as many ancient buildings and structures were preserved, unlike Sydney who underwent a "restructuring" phase where new architectural fads took over, in a blaze of no return. Unfortunately, these fads which seemed like good ideas at that time have faded, making Sydney look like a mishmash of eclectic errors, while Melbourne can be mistaken for a city in Europe on any day.

I love the streets of Melbourne, especially the laneways, which always manage to surprise even on a return trip. It is a well designed feature that makes full use of every possible avenue and space. In place of dirty and smelly backstreets, one might find designer boutiques or little treasures tucked away where the locals mainly visit, making Melbourne an adventure, as their always elegant ads suggests.

John and I had a fabulous time as usual, casting our daily worries to the wind, and just enjoy the sense of being. We went to our favourite haunt, Centre Place, a lane tucked away opposite the library, where an interesting mix of worldly cafes and restaurants grace our presence. Good food and a faux European ambience is always a good mix for pleasure and we always enjoy our time experimenting with new food on the different menus. I also managed to sneak past the routine of having sandwiches during our holiday lunches, and enjoyed some of my "home-town" fanfare in three separate restaurant/eating houses - Singaporean, Indonesian and Hong Kong. I had my missed fried fish noodle soup, fried Indonesian ginger chicken and definitely one of the best claypot rices I ever had at Claypot King, a true surprise.

Other than that, there are plenty of beautiful parks, streets of shopping and markets where rows of shops display a delicious display of cold meats, antipasto or cakes to entice any passerby. John bought his first suit ever and I have to say he never looked more resplendent, and I had one of my most exciting shopping adventures ever, which I will share now with you.

On our first day in Melbourne, a Friday, we made a decision to explore the new DFO (I believe it represents "Design Fashion Outlet" mall at the Southern Cross Terminal, where an array of fashion warehouses are housed in this complex. Not a big fan of brands, I passed by the Timberland store and a shelf of "discounted mens shoes" at $99 caught my eye. Being a bit of a sucker for good bargains, I couldn't resist walking into the store and picked up a understated pair of elegant black dress shoes. Strangely, they displayed both shoes and as I was trying on the left, a guy next to me picked up the right and started inspecting it too. The shoes fit and felt so comfortable, which is an important decision factor for me after some bad decisions last year to compromise fashion for comfort. However, it was difficult for me to decide on a confrontation because I hate them. As I was debating and observing his intention pattern, he turned to me and remarked "Pretty good deal eh, mate". At this, my heart sank and my will to fight this shopping battle gave way, signifying my "virgin" status at shopping wars, and I slowly placed the left shoe back onto the shelf. Still keeping an eye and praying in my mind for a miracle, he took the shoe I returned, and after some deliberation, walked to the counter and asked for the price. The price was $120, higher than the advertised, but maybe it was "From $99", and since John had already walked away, I willed myself out to join in, with my heart dragged along.

We proceeded onto the "Essential Men" fashion outlet where John tried on a couple of long sleeved T-shirts, and I grabbed the opportunity to run back and see if my luck had shifted. He was still at the counter as I circled the same shelf, with one eye on a high cut boot version of the same shoe, and the other on the conversation he was still having with the store salespeople. He eventually walked out of the shop but he asked the salespeople to place the shoes on the back counter before he left. Thinking that he probably walked out to get money, I left slightly dejected but resigned to fate and joined John back at the store. After 15 minutes and a couple of purchases, we walked past Timberland again, and I proceeded to try on the boots for John who concluded that they were not as nice. At this moment, I noticed that the shoes were still sitting on the back counter, and on John's prompting, asked them if it was reserved or for sale.

To my surprise, they replied "It's yours if you want it". Overcome with mixed emotions of surprise and relief, I felt like Cinderella trying on both pairs this time, and did a mini catwalk (minus the mince). Just as I was "parading", the same guy walked in, and I was again caught in the web of disbelief. I turned to John for his opinion for the umpteenth time, and he said "You are probably not that interested in it", to which I rebutted "Why?". He said "You would have gotten it by now", and without disclosing my decision, I took off the new shoes, and with them in my hands walked straight to the counter in my originals. "I'll take them", I said sheepishly in slight fear of hurting the other guy's feelings and felt the heat rush into my head, because I was aware that he had probably made a final decision to buy them.

To my surprise, he let out his right hand, and said "Congratulations, mate. You won". He was really good natured about it all and the sequence of events turned dreamlike, as I shook his hand and said Thank you. He made his final exit out as I paid, to both salespeople behind the counter having a slight snicker at the turn of the events and said "He took too long to decide".

I have related this "incident" to my colleagues, mostly female, and all of them concluded that:

(1) I am too nice

(2) I should have the "right to purchase" in the first place since I tried the shoes first

(3) They were never going to let go of the left shoe, like I did, and will put up a fight if needed

Which prompted me to think of how I might react if I am caught in the same position again? Am I too nice or are men generally less feisty and prone to conflict when it comes to shopping purchases?

Nevertheless, it was an interesting experience and a fun afterthought. I will endear to share more photos of our trips though they will be mostly architectural rather than of people, the flavour of Melbourne and a trip always to remember.

Are Chocolate Lovers Game Enough?

I'm not an absolute chocolate lover, reserving my affection only to occasional cravings. It is also partly influenced by my theory of the direct link between chocolate binges and pimple eruptions, which is constantly discounted by John but supported by my fellow Asian counterparts. So, could it be limited to Asian skin?

Anyway, I just saw this "ad" for a particular new brand of chocolate, and I personally think it is gross, but will chocolate lovers be game enough to see beyond the joke, and savour this?



Official Site

Gay Hope For Singapore

I must admit that I thought this day would come much later and definitely not from him, but someone younger. Reading this piece of news from the Daily Telegraph in Australia, Singapore's former PM Lee Kuan Yew has put forward a positive step towards accepting homosexuality as part of the society:

Article: Minister says gay sex should be legal

SINGAPORE'S powerful former prime minister Lee Kuan Yew, has questioned the country's ban on sex between men.

He acknowledged the possibility of a genetic link to homosexuality.

"If in fact it is true, and I have asked doctors this, that you are genetically born a homosexual - because that's the nature of the genetic random transmission of genes you can't help it. So why should we criminalise it?" the Straits Times quoted Mr Lee as saying.

Under Singapore law, a man who is found to have committed an act of "gross indecency" with another man can be jailed for up to two years, though prosecutions are rare.

But Mr Lee - who is also a minister in the cabinet led by his son, Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong - said Singapore should not actively pursue homosexuals who engage in sex.

"Let's not go around like this moral police... barging into people's rooms. That's not our business," he said.

Authorities in Singapore have routinely banned gay festivals and censored gay films, saying homosexuality should not be advocated as a lifestyle. But, despite the official ban on gay sex, Singapore has a thriving gay scene.

I am particularly fond of his fascination with the "possible genetic link to homosexuality", though it has been very carefully phrased as "If in fact true ...". What would this mean for homosexuals in Singapore? Would the information gatekeepers finally allow true information to flow freely and open the gates of possible future acceptance. For many Singaporeans, if Lee Kuan Yew says it's true, then there must be an element of truth. At least this might instigate a new water cooler topic rather than the mundane TV talk.

Is this political talk or a genuine plea for a change in mind and attitude. Is there real gay hope? Will Singaporeans care?

Happy 5th Anniversary, My Sweet

If only life was always as easy as loving you ...

Superstars Exhibition in Singapore

One of my dearest and oldest friend, Leslie Kee, whose newest creation "Superstars" which I have featured a couple of times on my blog is finally exhibiting in Singapore.

"Superstars" which is banned in Singapore will be exhibited at the National Museum finally from the 27th April till 4th May and the best thing is that admission is FREE. His 2 year labour of love featuring over 250 Asian artists, is dedicated to the unfortunate victims of the Asian Tsunami disaster where the profits from each copy will be donated to helping them rebuild their homes. Unfortunately, since the book is banned in Singapore, it will not be for sale.

However, a good attendance response could force the authorities to rethink their decision. Leslie has been very kind to send me a free copy and it is simply devine. His dedication towards bringing Asian artists and beauty to the forefront of the world is commendable and must be encouraged. In a world where beauty is traditionally seen as primarily Caucasian, Leslie challenges these definitions by rewriting history as we speak.

It is a beautiful collection of photographs and the interesting contrast with what the National Museum represents to most people represents an exciting combination of new art. He will personally be there on the day of the opening at 7 pm and so will many "superstars" of Singapore.

If you are there on that night, please feel free to approach Leslie and say Hi because he is one of the friendliest and nicest celebrity photographer you will ever meet. Feel free to introduce me as your friend or relative and I hope he will remember. Just kidding.

So, if you have time, please feel free to go and support him. I am sorry I will not be there, Leslie, but I am doing my part by promoting your event because I think it is so important that we challenge the norms of our society and more so because I am so proud to call you my friend.

About Superstars: Special feature from a Japanese magazine

A Bleak World

How does one explain the horrors of the Virginia Tech massacre? Racism? Inequality? Bigotry? Mindless Rage? Take away the context of the story, present the headlines and you might be forgiven for mistaking it as motivation of another terrorist act.

How did we get here? Questions are flowing across all US papers and President Bush today still does not see any problems with their gun licensing laws. He just wants to make sure these "weapons do not fall into the hands of bad people". Now, wouldn't it be great if we can identify bad people just based on their looks? Do they have "Bad person" tattooed over their foreheads like an imaginary headband? How would we define bad people here? In his definition, does it narrow it down to basically skin colour or other physical attributes like tattoos (which were originally used to identify gang members rather than a fashion accessory)? I don't want to sound cynical and biased but if we are going to judge a book by its cover, then we have to be specific on how the gun salespeople are going to evaluate. Are we going to give them X-Ray vision?

"Bowling for Columbine", the Michael Moore Oscar winning documentary didn't do enough to change the minds of the government nor the people. It was the highest grossing documentary in history till his successor "Fahrenheit 911" took over the honours. Even though it depicted similar horrors at Columbine High School, many Americans who strongly believe in their gun rights had no problems with the suggested reasons for the then massacre. I particularly like the description give on Amazon for this movie that reads "The United States of America is notorious for its astronomical number of people killed by firearms for a developed nation without a civil war."

The total US domestic box office gross for "Bowling for Columbine" is US$21,576,018, not much considering that most of the weekly No. 1 box office winners gross more than that over one weekend. Looking towards the Oscars, here are two good movies "Brokeback Mountain" (domestic US gross: US$83,043,761) and this year's popular winner "The Departed" (domestic US gross: US$132,384,315).

Now let's answer this question "Which movie is more controversial and why?" The common answer would be "Brokeback Mountain and because it is depicts gay love". Love is controversial if it is between two men, and we know all the gay cowboy jokes that came out of that. What impact has it made on the world? People finding the courage to come out (Sydney's own cowboy's coming out story), acceptance, increased awareness of the discrimination we face etc ...

On the other hand, no controversy about the movie "The Departed" except that Scorsese has found his "mojo" back and finally won his Oscar. In a movie that is both popular with audiences and critics, no one seemed to have a problem with the amount of violence depicted in the movie (amidst the clever script which I have to give it credit for - or rather the original "Infernal Affairs"). People have more problems with the gay sex in the tent than the pointless gore and violence. The glorification of murders and the art of getting away with it, and don't get me started on the real gore. That is what "inspires" people to oppose such objectionable behaviour if it happens in reality but they have no problems if it happens in movies.

"The Departed" is not alone. There are truckloads of horror movies, not the ghostly and spirited ones, but those glorifying violence in the most stylish fashion. The endless remakes and sequels to films like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre", "Saw", "Blade" and the Japanese movie "Battle Royale", all of which I absolutely refuse to watch. They are the ones that end up at the top of the US domestic box office every week, and motivates gangloads of impressionable young people, especially men to watch them. They'd rather watch these than the socially conscious movies like "Babel", "Crash" and "The Lives Of Others" or good romance like "Brokeback Mountain", which educate about the importance of human rights, respect and acceptance.

The US is not alone in this trend, but if the most significant country is going to set these standards, then we must ensure that we are moving in a right direction. With the younger generation more interested in individualistic hedonistic pleasures than the common good for the world, we need to spread the word of love, respect and the importance of human rights in our world. Let us not be dumb and swayed by popular culture and resolve to make educated decisions about who we choose to lead our world and the choices we are presented with. We can make a difference, you can make that choice!

Fear

People say that finding a relationship is tough, and I totally agree, but after speaking to a few friends who have not been "in the loop" for sometime, and have sort of resigned themselves to never finding one, I wonder if fear is the real obstacle?

The older we get, the more cautious we become. From the wisdom that we gathered from past experiences and others' mistakes, we inject hypotheses as we wonder if things will work out with our every date. We see the warning signs quicker than we use too, but are we being too cynical and are we extinguishing something before we know if our conclusion is true?

I was just speaking to a good friend the other day who has not been in a relationship for over 7 years and he confirms that he is "not ready for a relationship". I drew it down to fears of having one because it's been so long and he agrees. We get so set in our ways, there's a reluctance to want to get out of it. It's moving out of our comfort zone, a nest that we have built that shields us from any possible horrors. We may lament about never meeting someone, but when the opportunity arises, fear overcomes and we'd rather stay status quo.

Anticipation/Fear is worse than the real thing itself. When it arrives, humans find the means like we always do to deal with whatever obstacles that are ahead. We have enough wisdom and life experiences to guide us through. If not, then it will be a new learning experience and it is not always a bad thing. With our friend's love and support, we always find the strength to get up again and move on.

The important thing I strongly believe is to focus on one thing at a time. If we look at the long term picture all at once, if it works or it doesn't, then it frightens us back into our shell because then we can keep on complaining and not do anything. It's a safe haven but we stay complacent. Focus on one thing at a time and then it becomes more manageable. Not only the task but also the fear.

I understand better why some of my friends say that they prefer to remain single, even if the loneliness gets to them sometimes. At least, it "looks less pathetic" than trying and failing all the time. Of course, I agree that there comes a time when "enough is enough" and we just want to be left alone. I don't have any problems with that, but I just want them to know that fear is not a good reason to give up.

Relationships can be scary but if there is trust within to allow both people to still maintain their individuality, then it will work. It is not about suffocation, but about freedom, even as a couple. John and I give each other what we call "free time" to develop and maintain our individual souls, so that when we are back together, we feel recharged and are able to spend more quality time together. We don't believe in a need to spend 24/7 hip to hip just to prove our love for each other. Sometimes, we even take "pains" to sit away from each other at our big "family" dinners, because there is no need to speak to each other, or hold onto each other for security, because we already spend so much time together.

It is the trust that we have within our relationship that allows us to be who we are, and maintain that individuality. It is not courage, but communication that keeps this a viable option for us, and an important one for our relationship to keep growing. There are definitely obstacles that come, but always remember that they go as well. Focus is one important lesson that allows us to deal with fears that arise, and that anticipation is always worse than the real thing.

A Beautiful Day

Postponed a week due to the NSW State Elections, two very special people, Robbie and Margaret, whom I endearingly look upon as role models in my life, got married. We have a very unique relationship with them and our other dear friend, Anne, who introduced us at different times. We have now branched off on another tangent when Robbie unofficially "inaugurated" us into his own biological family a few months ago.

It was held at beautiful Nielsens Park and since it was Robbie's third and Margaret's second wedding, it was a rather laid back outdoor affair where there weren't any of the usual white wedding marches and elaborate food catering. Instead, we were treated to a glorious celebration of love, joy, commitment and familial camaderie. All guests were requested to bring a dish of food to celebrate the occasion and this resulted in a myraid of cultural tastings and colours.

John made his famous chicken salad whereas Anne and I made a non alcoholic cocktail, which surprisingly turned out to be really popular, resulting in much leftover alcohol. Rain threatened most of the week but the actual day turned out to be a cloudless with slightly warmer temperatures, which really complimented the joyous occasion.

Since Robbie is a Christian and Margaret a Buddhist, this was a hybrid ceremony where two separate vows of love were exchanged. Understated but garnered with beautiful words of love and commitment, it was the perfect wedding. There were a few hilarious moments when Margaret made a small error in her vows but it just helped to really lighten the mood and made it even more memorable. There was also the tying of their hands with a piece of red string as they read their vows which was originated from ancient times signifying the act of "bonding".

Robbie's musically talented children, Will and Heather serenaded us with Jazz and Classical performances separately throughout the celebrations. Heather played the violin as the couple signed their marriage certificates and that moment was just simply ethereal. It left quite John and Anne with a view that ceremony and traditions are seldom celebrated and as the younger forsake them, it might eventually become a novelty one day. We loved the peaceful and loving union and John exclaimed that this was just the kind of wedding he wants one day. Maybe not a gay wedding, but a civil union, if and when the State Government passes such a law. Of course this would must be complimented with my outing, if not, it would not be recognised. We believe that the fundamental recognition of our love is of utmost importance, regardless of the name given the union, because our love is no less.



After the exchange of the vows, we indulged on the food, talk and drinks while the night sky descended on us. We proceeded with the cake cutting ceremony and then speeches from a few people, including the bride and groom. Interestingly, almost all the people there with mental disability, which is a big and significant group of people in the couple's lives spoke of their fondness for the couple. Some of it was really rather R rated (like it is time for you to kiss deeply now) but affectionate nonetheless.

Robbie, ever the eloquent and motivational speaker moved us all with his dedication of love to Margaret and Margaret's son, Misha, a beautiful man, filled all our eyes and souls with tears and emotion. He invited us all to project the couple into a space faraway in time and place in our minds, may it be a cruise in the Carribean or anything/anywhere you want them to be, and to be doing. Take a minute to do so, silence, and then he asked us all to thrust it into the universe. Now, isn't that beautiful?

I also came out of my "retirement" to make them a present. I used to make birthday cards for my friends and my theme is usually to inject humour into those cards with my long message of love in the middle. What I basically do is to cut their faces out from photos and then paste them onto posters with funny snippets next to them. I did so many of them at one time that I faced burnt out, and then I stopped. I really wanted to make one of them for this occasion, but the motivation was low. It wasn't till two days before the wedding that I decided that I would make it, and thankfully, I still managed to pull it off in approximately 7 hours. It was a labour of love fully appreciated by them and I am so happy that I did it.

Robbie and Margaret, Thank You both for being in my life and constantly showering us with love and support. May all of our blessings and wishes come true for the two of you, somewhere in the time and universe ...

Slang

I found this interesting post on "Homosexuality in Japan" on Wikipaedia from a fellow blogger. In one separated section is "Japanese gay slang", which I found to be rather hilarious, especially the following:

Ketsuman
A portmanteau of the words ketsu and manko literally meaning "ass cunt," this word usually describes the anus of an effeminate male bottom. Compare "mangina"; "man-cunt."

Neko (ネコ)
Literally "cat" (and sometimes written with the kanji for cat, though more often in katakana, as above), this word refers to the bottom, or passive/receptive partner, especially in anal sex. In lesbian relationships, the woman who expresses more traditionally feminine traits is the neko; see "femme" in English usage. The etymology is unclear. In current use.

Okoge
A term for the burnt rice that sticks to the bottom of a cooking pot, this currently-used word refers to the straight, female friends of gay males. See Fag hag.

Seme (攻め、セメ）
Seme comes from the word "semeru" (攻める) which means "to attack." Refers to the dominant partner in the relationship (as opposed to Uke (受け、ウケ)). In use.

My Japanese friend confirms that these are commonly used amongst the Japanese gay community. I find some of them (okay most of them) rather degratory but funny nonetheless. The last two quoted is a little worrying. John hates the term "Fag Hag", but "Burnt Rice?", where did that come from and Semeru in sex, it sounds really predatory.

My female friends have commented that some men only know how to ""Bang hard" because they think this is how women like it, which is what they predominantly learn from porn. It is quite disconcerting learning this because it's not really promoting respect. Sex is about pleasure for both sexes, not just one, so I guess Seme is quite scary, but true in culture.

Gay Love

We hear the success stories of heterosexual couples celebrating their anniversaries but we hear more of gay community's fleeting romances and one night stands. So, are gay people restricted only to short love?

Today is my very dear friend, Danny and his partner HH's 10th anniversary. Danny shared his coming out story with me at a cafe in Tokyo while we were both there for Akina's 2005 concert. He told me of his similar struggles and also the sweet story of how he met HH (I believe it is over the internet), and how they became friends and then eventually lovers after Danny was finally able to accept himself as a homosexual. My deepest and sincerest congratulations to the two of you because I know how difficult it is to find someone, let alone stay in a relationship for that long.

I met John over the internet and so did many of my other friends who have progressed in long term relationships (one over 15 years and still going strong). In a world of temptation and free love/sex, we have all managed in our ways to define, design and carve our relationships without any legal bindings like marriage or children (yet). We are fast approaching our 5th anniversary and I must say that in addition to luck, there is plenty of hard work involved in developing understanding, compassion and communication.

I remember admiring gay couples who have stayed together for more than 4 years when I first realised how difficult it was to stay in a relationship, but when that happened last year, the only thought that came was "How time flies ...". As we approach our fifth next year and I draw admiration from my fellow colleagues who exclaim at our mark, all I can say is "Thank you and how time flies ...".

John always held a practical belief that honeymoon periods had a use by date. Being the dreamer, I refuse to subscribe and though there have been trying times of stress, we grew with every argument (as little as they were), and we grew to understand and accept each other more in the process. I hate arguing and prefer to give way, but there is always something to learn from an argument. The apologies come quicker because we start to understand the need for reconciliation, for communication. It is the breakdown in communication that delivers the conflict, and only through peaceful communication will resolution evolve.

As we walk towards the 5 year mark, I can proudly say that I am more in love with John than I have ever been, and I am more comfortable now than I am 2-3 years ago. I don't think you can describe that being complacent or just too comfortable to "move", because it is a nest in our hearts that was lovingly built, regardless of the environment that we live in. It's like me enjoying my 30s more than my 20s because I am infinitely wiser.

So, I strongly believe that gay love and relationships is just like any love and it can last for as long as we want it to be. It takes hard work, lots of patience, communication, compassion and the essential ingredient love. More importantly, it takes two people to put in similar effort to make it work. People can take away marriage or any form of unionifcation from us, but they cannot take the pride that we have in our love.

Reading On Buses

Do you read on buses? I do, but do you think that the person sitting next to you is peering over at what you are reading sometimes? Maybe it is because I do that myself sometimes, but I am more interested in the title of the book than the actual writing. I do it sometimes to make mental notes if the reader seems totally engrossed in it rather than lifting their heads once in a while to make some poetic stare, signifying the "non-captivity" of the book.

I also play this little game of trying to associate the genre with the person, like an attempt to read a book by its cover. "Viola! I knew it. You are such a cliche." Can we really read a person by their book cover?

Why is it also that I feel eyes prying most when I reach a page of some invariable love making or words like "throbbing cock", that I feel the urge to close the book then and look away. Am I being prudish, ultra sensitive or vain in trying to disguise what I am reading? Maybe people just don't care ...

The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)

I recall registering shock and disbelief when one of my favourite films of the year, "Pan's Labyrinth" lost the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar in February. To me, it was like the Mexican version of "Spirited Away", another of my all time favourites, where fantasy is meshed with reality, transporting audiences back to where dreams were sometimes reality, and where we still believed unconditionally ...

What was this film "The Lives of Others" (Official site)? I had never even heard of it before its win? Was it an oversight like the winner of Best Picture, "The Departed" and last year's "Crash" ("Babel" and "Brokeback Mountain" have my vote)? How could a film that won three other Oscars lose out on its primary category?

Some foreign films will never receive worldwide distributorship if there wasn't any awards buzz or wins. Unlike "Pan's Labyrinth", it is not going to attract mainstream attention because it does not boast of any special effects. They get lost in the maze of blockbuster rubbish because audiences prefer to dumb themselves down for the sake of fancy CGI effects and reality TV. Thankfully, "The Lives Of Others" will never suffer the same fate. However, films thrive most on "word of mouth" recommendation, and like "Babel", this is an important film that has to be made, and to be watched. Hence, my strong recommendation and "plea" for you to watch it.

Set in 1984 where the tyrannical Stasi (East German police) made it their duty to monitor their citizens, they believe it was their right to know everything. We are introduced to Captain Gerd Wiesler (Ulrich Mühe), a brilliant officer who scored well in his examinations and stuck to every rule in the book, the cold hearted product of the stereotypical horror we identify in such movies. Due to his stoic adherence in life and strong loyalty, he does not possess the slimy characteristics of his fellow classmate, Oberstleutnant Anton Grubitz, who he helped to score well enough in his exams but had sucked up to the right people to attain a higher position in the police force, and is now his superior.

Wiesler is invited by Grubitz to a new play staged by Geord Dryman (Sebastian Kohl), a popular playwright who has managed to stay under the government's radar and is in a relationship with accomplished stage actress Christa-Maira Sieland (Martina Gedeck), the lead in the play. Actors, playwrights and all artists are restricted within strict boundaries of what is permissible in those days and almost all of their apartments are bugged for information. Unlike, several of his fellow artists who have been blacklisted, he has played the right game by staying uncontroversial, almost clean. This raises the suspicions of Wiesler even though Grubitz watered it down. However, when Grubitz meets Minister Bruno Hempf, who runs the police force, he takes on Weisler's suggestions as his own and when the Minister praises him for his sharp instincts, claims silent credit for it.

Weisler takes on the job of monitoring Dryman's activities and starts living through the lives of Dryman and Sieland. It is through them that his loneliness and the emptiness of his heart and life is brought for the first time to his attention. He yearns for love and belonging, and his only close relationship is a sexual one with a prostitute who works on the clock, like Wiesler. He starts to contest his beliefs and loyalty to Stasi. Like a quote at the beginning where it is believed that people don't change, we watch the new Wiesler unravel before us.

This is a political thriller which ultimately shows the strength that one is capable of, and though Weisler is not entirely responsible for the fall of Berlin Wall five years later, he can admit towards being instrumental towards a shift of perceptions in the free world. Even though he does "sacrifice" his livelihood for this decision, he is rescued from this Stasi terror in his life. The ending in unsentimental but extremely moving. I felt tears welling as I sensed Dryman's gratitude.

I loved this film and rate it along "Babel" as the best films of the year. Like "Babel" who tackles social issues, this is a film not to be missed. In today's world where the right winged ruling political parties are using scare tactics to frighten us into conformity, this is a burning and current issue. With governments tightening its security laws and establishing impossible laws linking anyone with any connections, no matter how small, to possible acts of terrorism, we have to stand brave. If efficient gatekeepers are already keeping the truth from us, then we have to make sure that we are heard. Even though it sounds impossible that we will "return" to this terror state, nothing is impossible if we do not wake up and choose our leaders carefully. Do we want to live under leaders who incite/remind us of terror, or those who truly inspire?

First time film-maker and writer, Florian Henckel von Donnersmark, implores us to examine this through this wonderful, immaculately acted piece of art. With many lessons to be learnt within, this film outstrips "Pan's Labyrinth" in all ways and is a most deserving winner of the Best Foreign Film Oscar. It has also been honoured by many other International awards, especially for the lead actor, Ulrich Mühe, who is superlative. It is interesting to note that he is a known enemy of the Stasi, and was himself spied upon by four members of his theatre group, and his late wife who he was married to for 6 years, was also an informant to the Stasi. It was also recommended that he be sent to an isolation camp in the event of a national crisis, which could have inspired him for his performance and his involvement in this movie.

This is film making at its best, reaffirming the importance of arts and film making in our lives, to educate, influence and inspire ...

Rating: 9.5/10

Masculinity

I have recently joined a Mens' Group, which we have formed as an emotional support network for men. I don't have too much of a problem relaying my thoughts anywhere as you can tell, and my initial reaction was that it would both be a great opportunity to know my friend better and also human behaviour in the process. What I have learnt and am surprised are the masculine roles that heterosexual men have been pigeonholed into, and how these societal models have forced them into conformity and the resulting emotional stress and pain from living up to these responsibilities.

It is a rare occasion that I feel that I am more fortunate that I do not have to feel the same pressures to have to worry about the mortgage and putting food on the table, and that this is my sole responsibility because I am the man. To feel that I have to live up to this expectation and worry about exposing my vulnerability and fear to my female partner and family, this is a truly big burden to have to bear.

With John and I, we are pretty lucky that gays don't have to prescribe to the traditional man vs woman roles in our relationships. This gives us the freedom to express our joys and our fears but I am not advocating that this is true of all gay couples because there are still many that feel they need to be masculine and not reveal their emotions. However, I wonder what holds them back is their denial of their feminine side or an upbringing that just did not encourage that. The insistence of not wanting to look, sound or act gay, parts of which I prescribe to, but the emotional shutdown they impose on exposing their vulnerability, even towards their partners, is something I find a little difficult to fathom.

Is it the disappointment through past life experiences or the low trust level they embody a strong factor in this decision they make. When will men realise that it takes more courage to be vulnerable sometimes, than to be strong all the time.

We are lucky that we are both emotionally rather mature beings though I know that I hold back sometimes, not because I have a problem against vulnerability. Just because I don't always cry at movies is a not an indication, but it could be that my Asian upbringing encourages me to "keep my problems to myself". I think that vulnerability is beautiful and it can help bring people closer together and I think that this mens' group is a great outlet for them and me, to feel more comfortable playing outside the box.

I used to think that I want to be in this group to help someone and possibly find my calling, but I now know that I am gaining something from it too. Through explorations of others' experiences which can be a reflection of a past or current state of mind, I can feel myself growing and accepting myself and being more comfortable with my imperfections. It is also a great way to help build and strengthen relationships with people that mean the most to me, both within or outside the group. On top of educating them about us and what they can possibly learn from gay relationships or what I have with John, we can all help to crush and remodel the fixtures we have in our minds since our young age of five or six when we start learning values and beliefs that shape who we are today.