Sayang My Baby

With these words, my mother bade me farewell. Not a fan of goodbyes, I was holding up well up to that point. My sister, usually the first to break down seemed calm and composed. So did my nephew and niece who gave me a hug and kiss. My dad made an exclamation at "How strong my son has become" and I turned to greet my Mum at the end. I pull myself into her soft body as she pressed her lips against my face and she murmured those words, which translates into "I love you my baby", with a tinge of sadness.

It has been such a fruitful and fulfilling trip. 2007 had flown by faster than any other year I remember but these two and a half weeks have been savoured to the last drop. Eating, greeting, sharing, that was my life for my past holiday. In some ways, I believe I might have spread myself a little too thin, but I really enjoyed spending all that time with my family and friends.

Some people wonder why I return to visit my family every year? Why not spend a real holiday at some tourist destination? Why dedicate so much time to take on a holiday to spend time with the family, which really doesn't translate into too much of a holiday.

For those who live near their parents and family, it may sometimes be difficult to understand how one can actually miss their own family. It is only when we are separated by distance that one can realise how important family is. I may be lucky to have a wonderful and loving family, but like many others, I didn't really learn to appreciate them until I hit my 20s, and eventually moved out from home.

The other overriding reason can be attributed to my "guilt". In traditional Chinese cultures, my decision to leave my family behind to pursue a life away, can be perceived as selfish and one of an unfilial son. Over my final dinner party with my relatives, my youngest male cousin questioned my decision to stay in Australia. I totally understood where he came from, that of love and filial piety, and I reassured him that there are rarely days that go by that I do not question my love for my family, and more so for my aging parents.

I explained to him that I heard all that he said, and I took all his points to heart, especially the bit where he said that my Mum would be very upset if I don't come back, but I told him that there are different ways to show love, appreciation and filial piety. I used to live under the same roof, and couldn't be more like strangers with my family. I detested their possessiveness and their need to know my whereabouts all the time. If I am not home by 3 am, I would receive a phone call asking where I am. This may sound all warm and fuzzy, but it isn't when you are in your late 20s.

Leaving Singapore allowed my parents to accept that I have grown up and that I am an adult. It is not easy surviving in a new country but I proved myself and everyone that I could do it. To make sure that my family understands how much I love them more for giving me this wonderful gift of unconditional love, I do everything I can to soothe my guilt of filial piety. I call my parents at least thrice a week, making sure that they are healthy and fine. I bump that up to a call everyday if anyone is unwell to let them know that I care and that I am there. I do my best to spend as much time with them as I can when I am back in Singapore. Even when I am fatigued, I will do my best to accompany them in whatever they want to do.

I don't answer back when I sometimes want to, I accept. I know that it is a "routine" that they don't get to play very often because I am not home, so I listen. I give them encouragement and feedback and we would have conversations that we would never be able to have, if I am always at home. In appreciation for their love, I turn into the perfect son, and I love it. I love their dedication and their devotion. I love the times we spend together and the most mundane things we do. I appreciate and cherish every single moment we spend together because I know that time is limited. It is because of this limitation that I believe we make better use of the moments we have.

I am not saying that I am perfect and a self sacrificing human being. I just wanted to say that I don't love my parents less because I do not live with them. In many ways, I believe I love and cherish them even more. I may be selfish because I choose to live in Australia, but I am still after all, a human being.

I am eternally thankful to my family for loving me so much that they allow me to stay in Australia even though they miss me dearly, because they know I am happy here. That is what my sister wrote in an sms to me. Will we have such a wonderful loving relationship if I was at home? Will I be the perfect son if I was home or would I be looking for ways to live the life I want? These are hypotheses that I cannot confirm. All I know is that a true home lies in the heart, mine and the hearts of loved ones. In my heart, I will always be home, at home with my loved ones.

母亲这一句别辞“我亲爱的宝宝”把我愣住了，
母亲爱的呼唤，我听见了。
泪光莹莹，家人挥别的影像逐渐模糊，
我赤裸的心往熟悉的情景徘回。
不孝之道又浮上心头，
我的选择真的那么自私吗？
选择自己生活方式就真的代表不孝吗？

爱能用不同样方式来表达，
我采用的不就代表不对，
可能只是较难接受。
我不是选择自己的快乐而忘了挚爱的父母，
因为我深觉现在更能珍惜在一起的时光。
爱，是用心与举动来表达，
家，就只有在有爱的心才能滋润。
我爱心的家，永远生存在家人的心。

Is This Still The Same World?

I had a particularly nasty experience last Sunday, rather Earth shattering in many ways to me. I believe my love for children is well documented, not only by my stories but also by the number of baby and children photos I share on this blog.

Last Sunday, as I walked out of JB Hi-Fi (the local mega music store) towards Town Hall Station, I passed by the boutique Jeans West and a shirt on the show window caught my eye. As I turned around to head for a closer look, I was distracted by the sight of a two or three year old boy running out of the store, giggling with glee. I saw the woman in front of me flinch, paused for a second, and then proceeded to go on her way. Seeing that there was no parent in sight, I caught hold of the child's arm as he swooshed past me.

At the corner of my eye, I caught sight of an adult running out, and assuming it was one of the parents, I stood still waiting for whoever it was to claim the child. A young woman rushed out, flustered, and when she saw that I had held onto the child, paused about 2 metres away from me. In a scene reminiscent of a police heist, she said to me sternly "Mate. You can let go of him now". I was shocked. I thought I had heard wrongly. She repeated, "Yes, you can let go of him now".

I loosened my grip and then she said "Thank you". It all turned out to be a blur from then on, as I proceeded to the window to look at the shirt. However, I no longer held interest because a part of me was dying inside. Here is a stranger who has just accused me of being a possible pedophile, kidnapper, nasty man etc. I sought within myself to deny this new "identity" that this stranger has just imposed on me. I was drowning with this new tag on top of me. I was confused that I didn't know how to react. Instead of getting back at her, I silently walked away.

I don't know if I was expecting any gratitude, but her reaction was totally uncalled for. What I did was a good deed and all I received was an accusation. It was unfair and what I would hate to come out of this is my fear of caring and intervening when we need to. This is why people stop helping others. The child could have run into an escalator or a door and injured himself. Someone else could have ran away with him. What did she think I was going to do? There were so many people around. None stopped to help and what did she think I could do? Run, molest, kidnap?

It really affected my mood for the rest of the day and upon further analysis, I realised that it touched on several insecurities and issues within myself ... especially around the seeming impossibility of parenthood and how I may never have this sort relationship with any child that I can call my own, and also the fact that I have been away from my family for almost a year, and I miss them.

Thankfully, my friends whom I had shared my experience with, have all expressed their shock and horror at the mother's reaction. I wonder if it was her way of skirting responsibility and asserting blame on others since she was the one that had not taken more care of the child? If not, what has this world become?