I Believe - No Time for Regrets - A 2011 Retrospective

I will always look back at 2011 as a year where I finally believed ... in myself and what I am truly capable of. I do not measure my success in monetary or status, but in the fact that I stepped out of my comfort zone, gave it a go, and no matter how I did and the many self doubts I had along the way, I spoke my mind and I achieved what I had never been able to do in the past - shut my personal harsh critics up - and believed I can make that difference.

It is significant year because of the various challenges I faced. As I grew up in a conformist culture and challenging is not part of my makeup, I truly believe that I would not have been able to do it without the love and support of my closest friends, John, Anne, Margaret, Robbie and Julie at work. I share this lesson here not to brag, but hopefully to inspire everyone that experienced the same kind of upbringing I did that you can, if you believe in yourself, and no one can take that away from you.

Regrets ... it is a word that I discovered I rarely used since my grandpa's death in 1994. I have learned to appreciate and let the people who mean much to me, know how much I love them before it is too late. This lesson has taught me well and thankfully, I have kept on the practice and hence I do not have regrets or worry that my family, relatives and friends do not know how much they mean to me, or that I love them.

As for regrets on other fronts, I have come to realise that it is all about "not doing". I am not preaching a "Thatcherism" here, but we have a choice at every cross road. Either we take it or we don't. There is neither time for regrets or time to ponder what the lost opportunities are, because we didn't take it. Sure, I can lament the fact that I still have not taken up singing lessons or brushed up on my Japanese, but I made that conscious choice this year, because I needed to concentrate on something else. It is a conscious choice I made and I take full responsibility for that. 

2011 will be remembered as one of those years where I sacrificed much of my pleasure for work, which is quite rare, considering that I value relationships over work. For the first time in ten years, I took no holiday home, and I thank my family for being so understanding and so supportive.

I have to thank my siblings for taking good care of my parents because I constantly feel inadequate as a son because I am not living with them, but I know I am also a better son because of this fact. The distance allows me to be more attentive and to devote and cherish our time together. I want to thank my brother for sponsoring my parent's trip which allowed me a great opportunity to spend quality time with them. It is a time that I truly enjoyed and will always hold close to my heart.

There is too much more to be thankful - good health, loving relationships, theatre, relatives and my friends, most of whom I have been able to stay in contact through Facebook. Though much evil has been spoken about this medium, most of which is true, I am still thankful for this avenue to allow me to stay in touch with all of you, and to be able to share this note and thank you for your friendship and your love. Though I have lost a good friend this year who will stay in my heart forever, I take on every experience as a new lesson that will learn me well.

What does 2012 bring, I do not know. What I do know is that I am armed with the best possible asset, which is a belief in myself and that I have a choice - to act or not to act. There is no time for regrets, so I will ensure that I will live every decision I make to the fullest.

Happy New Year to my loved ones - my family, relatives, friends. May 2012 bring good health, prosperity, love and inspiration!

A Final Chapter of a Decade

As I turn the pages and start the final chapter of a decade in my life, I look back at my life and am quietly thankful for all that I am blessed with.

I remember being rather annoyed when I started university at a mature age of 26, and a freshman in my class said "Wow! You're 26. Aren't you supposed to be a manager by now?". I was annoyed probably because he was correct, if measured via societal norms. Though I am still not a manager by position at work, I am confident of my level of competence and do not need titles like this and societal norms to define me.

I am the manager of my life, and I am proud of who I am and what I have achieved. What I may not have achieved in rank, status or fame, I believe I have achieved that in my relationships with people around me. I have a close network of true friends whom I know love me for who I am, because after all, what else can they stand to gain from me, except love and friendship.

This chapter is titled "Love and Relationships", because it is what dominated this decade of mine. After spending years dreaming of finding someone to share my life with, I have found the one, and am leading an honest and truthful relationship with a wonderful man. There have been times when the tidings have been tough, but these arguments helped me to open up, set new ways of communication, discard old superstitions and beliefs, and lay new foundations to build and design our relationship. Though I don't see myself still as an expert in relationships because life can always throw curl balls at you, I know what things are worth fighting for, and how I am not the only one that compromises. I get to stand in his shoes and experience what he is feeling, and that hopefully makes me a better person.

My relationship with my family has also deepened over the years. With my increased financial contribution to my family since my dad's retirement, the sense of guilt that I am not in Singapore living with them has lessened, and I feel less unfillial than I used to. My learnings from my own relationship with John has helped me to be more confident with myself and it has in turn helped me to be more vocal with my parents and my own family, which I hope has been appreciated in many ways more than one.

My only major regret is not having more time to spend with my nephew and niece who only get so little of me, and I can see them wanting more. I know that I may be a novelty because I only come back once a year and everytime they speak or see me, they get a present, but I sense that our relationship is deeper than that, and they truly love me.

As for friendships, I have been one that liked to hold onto as many friendships as possible, and trying to rekindle some older ones that have moved on, and may not care as much anymore. I know that our circle of friends get smaller as we grow older, and I am starting to realise that "Quantity is not equal to quality" and it takes effort to maintain a friendship. One person alone cannot make it happen. It may be difficult to let go, but sometimes, it may not be a bad thing. I guess this will be something that I will have to explore more of, in the future.

I have always had a desire to write but life and social media has gotten the better of me over the past year. I bought myself a notebook (non-electronic) recently, and hope that it may inspire me to start the writing juices started again. My dear friend Stephen, whom I met last year, gave me encouragement to keep writing and his words ring as inspiration every day.

So, as I start writing my life for this final chapter, I want to thank my loving family, partner John, relatives and friends, for loving me, tolerating me, and giving me the inspiration to love. Thank you.

A Slice of My History

History. I discovered my love for history during my last HK trip, and though I have yet to pick up history books, I have gone off on another tangent with a desire to learn about my own history. My ancestors and who they were as individuals, rather than just a namesake.

I have listened to my mother’s stories about her childhood, stories that I see depicted in many Chinese dramas as I grew up, and I never tired of listening to them, even though they were variations of the same theme. Something new always occurred in those stories that I didn’t capture the first time round. The other times when I would hear these stories as I grew older was during my grandparent’s funerals when my uncles and aunts would openly share their own experiences, or when I visit my Aunt Constance in Tokyo, and we would lie on our beds, sharing our stories about everyone.

As the memories of our grandparents fade with every year, I am more eager to capture this, not only for my sake, but for the younger generation who never knew them. Our loving grandparents, especially my maternal grandma, whom I call the “wind beneath my wings”, whom I still miss so much every day, whom I hope I made her proud and happy. Our younger generation will never know who these people are, if we don’t share our stories.

We all hold a piece of the jigsaw puzzle and it takes all of us to present a glimmer of who they are. Circumstances can shape who we are, and these are timeless lessons of gold that we can learn from. Stories of strong, loving people who worked hard to keep the family together, building bonds of kinship which still bind us today.

Though I have always been nourished by my mother’s stories, my father’s family always remained a bit of an enigma. I had a grandmother who was a true matriarch, and I think in some ways, resembled the towering figure of an Empress Dowager. She was a modern independent woman who donned a bikini in the 40s, a photograph framed under the glass of her table next to her bed. She was definitely authoritative and for that, she could be misunderstood as being tough and not kind and understanding, like my maternal grandmother was. I believed her upbringing shaped her into who she was, like we all do, and I had so many misunderstandings of her, that it finally took my Aunt Vera (who lives in Sydney) to correct some of them.

I am only starting to learn more about her as a person and though the stories span only small significant sections of her life, they offered me a glimpse of who she is. My aunt shared her childhood and many stories about our ancestors, starting from Dad’s grandma, Tai Po, who adored Dad. We knew so little about Dad’s family history and it is such a shame. Now, with my revived relationship with my aunt, I get a chance to listen to the stories, and know who our relatives were. My history is so colourful that they seem to read like “Joy Luck Club” or even “Wild Swans”, even though I have never read the books before.

Tai Po was the second child in a family of seven children, the first six being girls and finally a son being born into the family. Her sister and her eventually married two brothers, who during the Gold rush, sailed to Chicago to seek better fortunes. In order to capitalise on the fortunes, they had to marry new wives in Chicago. During this time, Tai Po stayed back in China and worked in the fields everyday. She had a very strict mother in law, and her life is probably like those that we see in the serials, where she is forced to go back to plough the fields, not long after child-birth. She bore two children – a son whose altar we have next to hers, and Grandma.

After 16 years of living in Chicago, the two brothers decide to come back to China and fetch their wives to Chicago. I could have been US citizen. Unfortunately, Tai Po’s husband died on the boat during his trip, so Tai Po decided to leave China with her two teenage children and boarded a junk as a “slave” (working on the boat for their boat fares). Grandma was about 12 years old then. They arrived in Singapore and lived in a place like a gambling den (or those premises which lent money to people). Tai Po took on a job outside while her children worked in the den, serving food and pouring tea etc.

This is where it gets really exciting. Until then, I always thought that Dad’s uncle (Grandma’s brother) died at child-birth. How wrong was I. He was a fisherman/sailor and one fateful day, he dropped his oar in the rivers, and he dived into the waters to rescue it. Unfortunately, he was killed by a sea snake, and by the time, they fished him out, it was too late. Grandma was very attractive when she was young and she had many suitors. She was also deeply superstitious and loved to seek the advice of boh-mohs, who could revive spirits from the underworld. Perplexed by the number of suitors and who to marry, she decided to go to one, and they summoned her brother’s spirit. His advice was “Marry the man who offers something to me on a date, your dead brother”.

Well, needless to say, our grandfather was the only one that did it. I always thought Grandma was a bit weird to marry a man with two wives already and after realising the truth, I am more than a little ashamed. Our grandfather grew up in a middle class family. His mother organised a child bride, so that when they grew up, they would get married and have children. Our grandfather was a philanderer but he also had a kind heart. He never married the child bride. He married another woman and had a child during the Second World War. During an air-raid, they hid in a bomb shelter, but the baby boy couldn’t stop crying. In order not to implicate the others and alert the Japanese, his wife stepped out with her newborn baby, and unfortunately a bomb hit, and she was killed instantly by the shrapnel. The baby survived and was brought back to the child bride who opened her heart and took it in her care.

Grandma was grandfather legally binding wife and she had no idea that her husband had a child bride till she entered the house on her marriage day.

Our philandering grandfather decided to consummate his relationship with the child bride as well, which is why she bore children around the same time as Grandma. When Dad was conceived, Tai Po decided that if it was a boy, it would be offered to her dead son as his own child. Grandma agreed. When Dad was born, Tai Po doted on him immediately, and wanted him to bear the surname Chung, which is Grandma maiden name. True to her strong character, Grandma disagreed vehemently, which is why we are still named Lew.

Grandpa struck good fortune when Aunt Vera was born and apparently Grandma was tired of his philandering ways, and was more afraid to catch venereal disease. Aunt Vera said that she had many sores on her head when she was growing up, and Grandma thinks it is a sign of venereal disease. Which was why she decided to divorce grandpa a few years after third uncle was born. I think she really signified a modern woman because of her determination and her love for her children. She didn’t want any future children of hers to suffer the same fate. I think Uncle’s under-developed chest on one side could be a result of that.

Grandma led a new life then, and that is when she started wearing the bikini on the beach, to assert her new freedom. I remember looking at those photos of her, and marvelling at her courage to do so. A modern woman indeed. I didn’t learn much about her decision to marry Grandpa Soh, but I guess that could be a story for later.

Just so that you don’t think badly of my Grandpa, he was actually a good father. He doted on Aunt Vera more than Dad and she says that Dad was always a little envious/jealous of that. She always retorted that their grandma loved him more too than any one of them, so it was fair. Dad didn’t have a close relationship with his father, which is why we rarely hear about him. His father always met them at school or at the bus stop to give them pocket money, and Dad was a little jealous that Aunt Vera got more than him.

Grandpa’s good fortunes ended with his philandering ways and after Grandma left him. He worked as a bus conductor and eventually settled at the bus depot as his home in the final years of his life. Aunt Vera always tears when she recalls how he used to wait for them, and walk them to school and stories like that. You can tell that she really love and miss him. He suffered a heart attack at the bus depot and was brought to the hospital. Aunt Vera and the family visited him at the hospital, before his bus colleagues came and they left. An hour later, he suffered a massive second heart attack and died.

I pushed Dad the other day to tell me more about his history but he is reluctant, and he laughed it off, in an attempt to circumvent the topic. I tried harder but he wasn’t in the mood, so I think this will take some time but I know I will keep at it. I want his perspective of his childhood and what he thought of his parents. I want to know my Dad as a person too.

I believe it is so important to know our history, because we tend to see grandparents, parents and kids as relatives and children, but not as real people. Like us, they have an identity and I am keen to know who they are as real people. So, my task this year is to create a web platform for all of us to share our stories about our grandparents, ancestors and children, so that our younger generation will know that we went through the same human emotions and conditions as they did, and hopefully, they will cultivate some new respect for the older generation.

Moving on ...

No, no towards another server or Twitter. I twittered with the idea, but gave up on both instances because of inertia and the lack of time. As for the latter, I think I love the flow of ideas and I do not like to be constrained, so I'm sticking around for a little while.

Moving on ... refers to other aspects of my life, like home and job. As most of you would have already known, we finally bought a place to call our home. It was a long time coming and it was difficult. Thankfully, the decision was quick, unanimous and sweet. Now, I believe that this process helped both of us to grow within the relationship, to understand each other better, and support each other especially through the tough times.

We can laugh about it now, be expertly in our advice, because we have been there, but every journey is different. It is helpful to realise that it is probably one of the biggest decisions that we will ever make in our lives, permeating every inch of our lives. There is no escape because you have to carry on your lives together inspite of the day. One of the most important lessons to establish at the beginning is that our relationship is ultimately more important than any issue. The other fundamental element is realising that we both have a right to veto and that we must reach an amiable agree,ent. This right to veto must be established early and understood so that both parties know that spite does not stand within the decision. Truth and reason does.

We are lucky that we got there finally. It is a labour of love and we had a great many time playing "newly weds". Though we may not believe or want marriage (we just want to be given the same rights to choose), this is equivalent to marriage in terms of the commitment that we have both agreed upon. It is a new chapter in our relationship and helps provide the grounding and our foundation to grow deeper in love.

Since we moved from a meagre one bedroom to a two bedroom unit, we had the pleasure to set up our new home with new furniture and love. It may not be picture perfect, but almost every single piece of furnitureand wall now has a new page to start our history within it. It was also fun playing hosts to our dear friends in sharing our joy together with them. I had realised with time and age that big flashy parties are no longer my forte and desire, and prefer the smaller conversations and intimate dinners to get to know my friends better. Life with loved ones is bliss.

I am also looking forward to my family visiting and sharing our new home with them nearer the end of the year. Though they are still unaware of our relationship in a spoken sense, I am very grateful to John for not pressing the issue, and just letting things be. It may be naive of me to defend my stand that if they do not ask, then they will not have to admit to others when prompted. I believe it is an Asian variation of denial. In not confirming or asking, they can always tell the truth known to them. It can sense cowardly to many, but do these many know of our cultural intricacies? Will ignorance bring bliss?

I cannot purport to answer this question, but I know that the times when they visit will pose their challenge and like I do with my usual style, I will deal with the issue as they arise. I prefer not to picture the mountains and the valleys before I start a trek. I can be ready, and I like to keep my head held high. I know I am resourceful, so I will handle the situation if and when it arises.

Onto lighter matters, I have also moved sections within work, being finally able to do something that I had studied and have been more passionate about - Marketing. Within any new job, one has to work hard to prove themselves. Though most of my current colleagues are aware of my capabilities, I felt I had twice the hurdles to conquer. I had to live up to my name, and this explains the lack of posts.

I am on secondment for five months and it has been so lovely to receive so many compliments on my "move" from fellow colleagues, and then support from my co-workers because it was a rather tough time. I was disoriented for about two days, and thankfully found my ground. I am stepping out of the "abyss" and I know I had performed and adapted well. I found myself hungry again ... a feeling that has been lost to me for a while.

John has been describing it as a promotion, which I resisted at first because it's a side step at this point (no increment or extra incentives). However, I am warming to it because I no longer feel like a fraud and I have proved myself, not so importantly to others, but ultimately to myself.

I have not asked for more because I believe this experience is a reward of sorts especially in this economic climate. I am planting the seeds that will hopefully grow strong, and establishing the relationships to get where I ultimately want to be. I know I have been lucky but I never take kindness for granted. I want to thank my family and friends for your love and support all these years patiently waiting for me to blossom. My love, John, who has never wavered in his love and support for me and I want to give it back to you by helping you fulfill your dream.

Lastly, I would also like to thank everyone for your continued support for my writing, especially my webfriends Stephen and Makary because I wouldn't have written this tonight if not for your prompts.

My Father

It seems fitting that I should pen my tribute to my father on the upcoming Father's Day celebration in Australia.

If there was a job that everyone was destined in life, then my father's would be a dad. He is what one could call a 24 hour Dad, never tiring of the role that he was born to play. My father wasn't there in the hospital when I was born. I learned it from a letter that my Aunt Alice wrote to him when he was working in Germany. I chanced upon the letter via incident more than ten years ago and have never been able to locate it since. One of those unsolved mysteries ...

The letter was written by my aunt because the common language between my parents was Cantonese and my Dad would not been able to read the Mandarin characters, so it seemed fit that my aunt would be the one to write. The basic premise of the letter is to announce my birth and my adoption of his unofficial Christian name, James. I do not know why my aunt chose my father's name for me. I guess it could be a way to honour my father's best characteristics most significantly, his integrity. I certainly hope I lived up to that expectation.

Unlike my mother who would share stories of her childhood and youth, my father was a relatively reserved man. We knew that he came from a polygamous family, and somehow I was always under the impression that his father did not feature significantly in his life. I had imagined that it was his father's relative absence that inspired him to be involved in all aspects of our lives. I later realised through my aunt (his sister) that it was not true.

I know that there are many untold stories of my father's childhood that I wish to hear, to know what my dad was like as a child and a young man. To see the similarities or differences we share I also know that I will be the one who will have to take the initiative to dig them out, so I am hoping that this will help ease the first lines of communication.

Growing up, my father was a kind and loving disciplinarian. He played good parent while my mother played Ms Hyde most of the time. Together, they would try their individual best to instill the best values and knowledge, probably due to lost opportunities of their own life. They were very strict, insisting that we place studies above all else, so that we would end up being independent and dependable adults.

Every night, he would tuck us into bed, asking us if we loved him, which can be a little embarrassing at times, but thinking back now, it can be rather sweet too. As I mentioned before, my parents never shied from showing affection, and I can remember the day still that I told him not to hug me in public anymore. It must have hurt, but that is the impulsiveness of youth.

He also had his unique way of instilling his values in us. Besides showing his affection for us, he would make us promise since young that we would:

(a) never smoke
(b) never take drugs
(c) never gamble

It has proven to be really effective because I can still hear from his voice right now as I am typing. My mischievous little brother would sometimes try to get his way when he lost, by shouting to Dad, "Daddy, big brother is smoking" and Dad would storm into the room, and say "Is that true, James?". Such an insignificant but fond memory.

Dad was also rather good at mathematics, so he would sit us all down at the kitchen table every night when I started primary school and go through all our English and Mathematics homework. However, since he was not a teacher, there was only a limit to what he could impart. I remembered failing a Mathematics paper when I was in Year 3, and since I miraculously topped the class for the first (and last time) after the mid semester, my teacher wanted to know what happened. I told her eventually that my father didn't know enough about algebra then to teach me. I can't remember what happened after that, but in some ways, I probably knew that I was going to have to do it on my own from then on.

The other fond and significant recollection that I have is my Dad buying the entire collection (or the remainder) of the Secret Seven series that I lacked. All thirteen or so copies of it from the third book onwards. I knew that we were not rich because we rarely ate out, and we had to help Mum with the sewing as well, so I was astonished when he bought them all at MPH. I can still vaguely remember how proud I was when Dad brought them all to the counter and paid for them. That was his grand love for me.

The other reason why this stood out was because it was also the day that my grandparents moved to their new and eventual home in Ang Mo Kio. We visited them that afternoon immediately after the shop and someone spilled Fanta Orange all over some of the books. I can remember my anger and disappointment then, but nothing could rob me of the joys of owning the entire set, which I still own at home.

During my teenage years, I started to rebel at home. I had a "violent temper", one that Mum was quick to point as a flaw I shared with Dad. My results at school would deteriorate because I found it difficult to adapt to my teenage years as a "nerd" and misfit. I was plump and not as agile or sports oriented as my other fellow students. The only sport I was good at was swimming because Dad paid for lessons, but we never had swimming lessons at School, so I never had a chance to prove myself.

I feared Parents Day because I knew that I had let them down again but there was no way to get out of it. My only asylum was Japanese music, which my mother had no empathy at that time for, because she thought it was a hindrance to my performance at School. She was not entirely wrong. However, the more she objected, the more I rebelled.

Dad shocked me after one Parents Day though when he brought me out, after my teacher's less than favourable review, and bought me the most expensive watch I had ever owned. Even till now, I have no idea why he did it. I can only guess it is a way to motivate me to do better, but I didn't. I was lost.

I guess I didn't find myself until I left secondary school and realised how badly I had done in my "O" Levels, which left me little opportunities in life. I also worked for the first time in my life, lost some weight and gained some self confidence because I realised that I was a relatively fast learner and could adapt to changing demands rather fluidly. It was probably then
that life started making some sense for me.

Dad was an engineer, so in some ways, he probably wanted my brother and I to walk the same path as him. Alas, it was not my calling, but I managed to persevere and graduate with a Diploma in Mechanical Engineering. I made many good friends at Ngee Ann Polytechnic, sadly many of whom I had lost contact with. Thankfully, I found one of my best friends last year incidentally, and though the lines of communication are still rather irregular, we will never lose the bonds of friendship we held.

Dad's love for his children is never more pronounced when I started my two and a half year compulsory Army service after that. Unlike my fellow camp-mates, I was one of the only few that was picked up every Saturday afternoon and driven back every Sunday night by their parents. He never faltered once. It seemed that he would give up all other engagements so that he could be there.

It can get potentially a little embarrassing at times because I didn't want to be seen as being pampered, but strangely, the Army does strange things to immature minds. The absence from home and familial love makes one treasure the bonds of kinship more than ever. I was seen as the lucky one and I never took my parents' love for granted from then on. He is always keen to share his generosity, so my neighbouring friends benefited from the lift as well.

It is always interesting to see my father in the eyes of his friends, because that is the real him, not the familiar role of a father he adopts in our lives. There is an air of authority, integrity and respect that he garners and I can see that vividly in the eyes of his friends. He is usually silent, squirms a little under the praise of his friends, and I see and feel the strong and loyal man/friend they say he is.

He is a worker, not a talker. Through my aunt, I have learned more about my father than I could ever know, because he would never brag. I admire his courage and strength. When my grandma was on her death bed and the doctor wanted the family to make a decision to amputate her legs, it was left to him. The eldest son assigned by his mother and two younger siblings to make the most difficult decision one could ever want to be responsible for. I can not for my life, imagine how one would not crumble at this point in life, but knowing my father, he probably took it as a life decision that had to be made. I wasn't there, so I don't know if he ever wept, but knowing him, he probably did not do it in public.

When my aunt flew back from Australia to attend my grandmother's funeral, it was in the middle of our university Summer Term, and my father told us that our studies were more important, and how she would understand. After my aunt returned, she told us about her half siblings that she was surprised to see at the funeral. They had lost contact for a very long time and since my grandma bore some old grudge against my grandpa's other wives, the relationship has never been warm. So, when they arrived and adopted the deceased 's children identity (it is Taoist tradition that the more children you have, the more glorious you will look in the other world), my aunt was even more surprised. She engaged into lengthy conversations with them, and learned that the reason for them taking this duty was to return the favour my father gave to their mother a couple of years ago. No one in his family knew about it. Since he acknowledged their mother then, it was their turn to acknowledge his. I was moved to tears. I know my aunt was so proud of her brother then.

My father is a very kind man who loves children. I see it whenever I see him play with my nephew and niece. I see shades of my father as a young dad again. I have to say that he was a little surprised when I hugged him for the first time in years when I returned to Singapore from Australia, because he probably thought he would never get that back again. It is good that I am able to hug him now when I arrive back in Singapore and leave, or whenever I want to. I am also happy that we can tell each other that we love each other very much too.

Compared with many other friends and stories of upbringing I have read and heard, I think that though my childhood was relatively sheltered, we have been very lucky to be loved by two wonderful parents who always put us in the first place. We were not rich, couldn't afford as many luxuries, rarely ate out (McDonalds was considered a relative luxury), or went overseas for holidays, I still believe my parents came out tops, and there is not a thing I would change, except if I could have been more mature earlier in my age.

I want to thank my wonderful parents, for the love, patience, care, concern and support they have always provided us. My sister has been ushering me to write this because she says "He is just the best Dad in the world", and it is entirely true. My only wish now is to be able to learn more about the man I lovingly call my father.

I do not know if we make you both proud, but I hope we do. We may not be great achievers in life if you measure things via monetary means, but life is more than that. It is about love, relationships and respect. These wonderful loving lessons that we learned from the best teachers in the world, and in this aspect, we can proudly declare "Thank you for the rich lessons of love and life." We love you both very dearly.

36歳の誕生日 - My Little Birthday -

I have been telling everyone this year I'm 36 that when I finally turn it today, it no longer feels too much of a surprise. The lines on my face are more evident, my strength is slowly diminishing, but my spirit lies happier. Happier because I have discovered that the secret to my happiness is me and my relationships.

My relationships with every beloved member of my family, relatives, friends and my wonderful lover, all of whom grace my everyday life and fill my heart with so much happiness when I think of the lovely times we share, and the ones that we are about to experience. I have lost some along the way, but this loss only reinforces my focus in life.

I may not have much riches or position in the superficial world to boast about, but if our achievements are judged by love, then I know I am a very rich man. Therefore, for my birthday, I can only wish for happiness and good health, not only for myself, but for everyone around me that I love, so that the lines on my face will not deepen with worry, but be filled with laugh lines as we share our love and our joy. Thank you.

A final special mention to my mother who gave birth to me 36 years ago, suffering almost 20 hours of labour. Thank you for bringing me into this flawed but beautiful world, and everyone for teaching me "the art of giving".

A Special Celebration of Love and Commitment

It is such a luxury to feel healthy again. After almost two weeks of recovering from the dreadful flu, it is so nice not to feel fatigued all the time.

Over the past weekend, John and I attended the 40th birthday celebration of my ex-flatmate and close friend, Leonard. Even though we don't catch up as often as we do, there is no love lost between us. We just lead rather different lives and revolve in different circles of friends, so unfortunately, our gatherings have been few and rather sporadic. Still, we have a special brotherly connection, established during the first days of my independence (after moving out from my aunt's home after one and a half year's of living with her and her family since arriving in Australia) and Leonard's first days in Sydney.

Since he is four years older than me, we had often talked about the day that he turns 35 and then the dreaded 4-0. Well, the day had finally arrived, and thankfully, as we had prayed hard and predicted, he still looks as gorgeous, if not more so today than I can ever recall at any other time.

I remember the last time we met before the party on Saturday. It was two weeks before we moved to our new home and Leonard was giving me his shoulder to "cry" on, reassuring me that everything will be fine and all tension between us will give way because of the love we have for each other. At the end, we scouted around a Singaporean restaurant as a possible location for his party.

About a month later, the invitation arrived for his big bash to be held at that location.We arrived about half an hour after the announced time on the invite, fashionably late but not detestably so. John and I had decided to dress up for the function, and as we bumped into two friends outside the restaurant dressed in tracksuit jumpers, I was starting to dread that we might have arrived a tad too overdressed. My fears were quickly put to rest when we arrived upstairs towards a private area where I noticed that most people had also taken the extra effort to look good.

Since gorgeous Leonard and his beautiful partner Bruce are fond members of partying, walking into the function was like as a friend described, being with "the entire crowd at Midnight Shift", a popular pub on Oxford Street. It was absolutely lovely to catch up with so many "long-lost" friends and acquaintances, and indulge in each other's current beings. One of the perks of being in a relationship is the love, intimacy and company we gain. The "downside" to it is being "shut out" of activities seemingly targeted towards singles. I honestly don't miss that, but it is common that we lose many friends once we couple, because a fair amount of time is dedicated towards setting the foundation in the early days, and only the truest friends stay.

We were treated to a buffet of lovely finger food and even though I am never a fan of the "commercial" spring rolls, I found them rather appetizing that night. After a quick meal, we were ushered to the stage near the front of the stairs, and were treated to a few speeches from Bruce and a performance from a drag queen, to add some fun and glitter. This was followed by Bruce's birthday and Thank you speech to Leonard and after he blew the candles and we sang the birthday song (in that order), which was an interesting switch, Bruce stepped onto the stage again, and said something like "All of you were certain that you were here for Leonard's 40th, but you are wrong." He proceeded to explain how Leonard and him decided that morning to go to the City Council and had their relationship confirmed that morning, as he fished out the newly framed certificate of commitment that they received.

This was turning out to be their commitment ceremony and it was such a pleasant surprise. Bruce proceeded to mention that they wanted to share this special day with everyone, and one thing that they both unanimously decided on was to have two best men and two bridesmaids. The two bridesmaid turned out to their both their beautiful sisters which was revealed after the Best men was announced. Bruce's choice was an old girl friend who he befriended since he was seven, and who promised each other that they would be each other's best man at their separate weddings.

When Leonard announced his choice which turned out to be me, it was a moment that I can only liken to what Oscar winners say they feel when their names are announced. It was all a blur. Was that really me? Did I hear it correctly? Until I felt Barry's hand poking and pushing me forward, it all seemed like a dream. In many ways, it was highly unbelievable because we don't catch up as often as Leonard does with some of his other mates, and it is such an honour, to be selected as someone's best man, let alone over so many other possible candidates.

After the initial congratulatory hugs and kisses, we were treated to a most intimate and loving exchange of vows, which was both touching and hilarious at times. Bruce had to stop to wipe his tears as he spoke lovingly of Leonard and Leonard declared his love openly for Bruce even though he still can't understand how animals can talk to humans.

It certainly provided plenty of food for thought for many couples like us, who had no idea that such a commitment was possible in Sydney (Thanks to our Mayor Clover Moore), and also much friendly "warnings" from some friends who ushered me not to forget them when I am selecting my Best man at John and my ceremony, if and when we decide to have one.

It took one day for the honour of Best man to finally sink in, and as I replayed the scene in my head, I am moved to tears especially since I constantly have doubts about my friendly achievements since I arrived in Sydney. Since I treasure relationships in life over most other things, I had often pondered if I had deeper friendships and relationships in Singapore or in Australia. If I compared the number of friends I had, Singapore would win the battle, but that was also because I had been there longer and I was single. If I compared the depth of relationships, then I realise that there is no other place than Sydney.

This past event made me realise that the efforts I have dedicated towards building true friendships and relationships with my friends and people who I care deeply for, has not been wasted, and this is my life journey that I should dedicate more of my life towards, because I know that I have not been as "diligent" in the past few years. I have one of the best examples in John who is such a special person and who inspires me to remember everyone's birthday and make them feel special.

Leonard truly made me feel very special, not only by him and Bruce sharing such a special occasion with us, but also by proving that one does not have to constantly keep in contact for the love to be present. Like he said, we have been through each other's highs and lows, and have supported each other through some of the most painful times of our lives. We are both happy now and I can't be happier when I see the amount of love Bruce and Leonard have for each other.

I want to thank Leonard and Bruce for making their special night, such a wonderful memory for me. I wish the both of you plenty of love and happiness, and I am absolutely certain that your love will stand the test of time, and so will our love for you both. Congratulations.

Myself - 自我 -

I believe I have mentioned it before that I am currently in a Mens' Group. It was set up as an avenue for men in safe (confidential) environment to discuss freely about the matters of their hearts. Initially I thought that I wouldn't have too much need for this because I pour out my heart on my blog and my friends, but recently, I found that I am really enjoying it because we are exploring deeper into who we are as human beings, which are really interesting topics.

One of the most interesting points that stayed with me previously was that "It is always easier to talk about someone else than us". I think part of this is because I have been brought up to think that I would be too conceited if I just blabbered about myself incessantly all the time, and rarely in daily conversations, do we explore the myriad of feelings and emotions that we experience with various incidents. It is always easier to just describe the events and ignore the impact on us when it is obviously what caused us to talk about it in the first place. It is easier to curse the situation, person than share our experience and effects because it does not make for interesting gossip for most people. It helps to connect people but we are more used to conventional water cooler topics than revelations that could move. Are we just more shallow when it comes to having such conversations with friends or do we just not try hard enough?

I am lucky to have friends outside the Mens' group that I can do so, but I am also acutely aware that not everyone might be comfortable sharing such intimate information, but are we ready for it when someone takes the first step? Would this world be a more beautiful place if we share our real selves and everyone listened without prejudice and judgment, like in these artificial environment nurtured by the groups.

Another fascinating discovery over our last meeting for me was "When in a relationship, when it is okay to put ourselves in the first place?". Being the only gay man in the group, I think I don't have to feel like I am the breadwinner or the protector of the relationship, but I was seriously thinking about how many of us, including myself, do not put ourselves in the first place. I don't know if it is my insecurity that if I don't constantly give, that I will not receive the love back, or just that because the true joys is more in the giving, that I always believe in putting myself below other's needs most of the time. But if I don't, I am reminded that the world will not collapse and I will not die.

One important thing that came to mind is my determination to visit my family and spend at least two weeks with them a year because of their love for me. It is their love for me that allows me to stay in Sydney and this is one of the only ways I can repay them for their generosity. Since we only have about a month's leave a year, this does not afford me another opportunity for another long holiday with John both financially and time wise. One of the other things that someone shared reminded me that John and I have a family of our own and our little traditions that we will plan and live, and it is sometimes that I have not given too much thought of in the past, but I thought completely true and sweet.

It is the second time I heard that "I will not die if I don't go to Singapore for one year", which is true but the fact is that I do miss my family terribly and thankfully, John is totally empathetic. He told me that he wouldn't like to imagine being able to see his Mum only once or twice a year. However, I am acutely aware of our own need for a holiday, so I sometimes struggle to strike a balance to keep everyone happy. But am I?

I love my family and I love John very much. It isn't easy but I guess I have to find better ways to strike this balance and how I can do this both because as much as I would love to travel, would someone understand the pain of not being able to see and share their love with their families as often as possible? I can only do what I can, but I am happy when everyone is, and the price of seeing my family happy makes my yearly visit to Singapore fruitful. That said, I would like to give this new hypothesis a try by visiting Paris and parts of Europe with John next year.

A final issue that emerged, which John has constantly reminded me and was brought up, was my relationship with my father. My father is not the typical Asian father one would associate with. Growing up with a father who practised polygamy, he never had a 24 hour full time dad that he could live with. He had to share him with two other families and many other foster siblings. I can't expand more because he is fiercely private about his childhood, and hasn't shared much as compared to my mother, so I only knew snippets from my Mum or aunt. His views on fatherhood was probably shaped by his own experience, and hence he set out to be the best father he can be, and he has succeeded. Instead of taking a cold authoritarian approach, he was kind but firm, and never shied away from displaying affection, like kisses or hugs whenever he can.

He helped us in all our decisions (and probably made most of them - Ha! Ha!), and I know I am admired by some of my friends for having such a loving and dutiful father. I have learnt to appreciate his love more as I grow older because he has proved to be a very positive role model but transition from father to friend has been a little tougher. It isn't easy all the time when he has told us before that we will always be his little children no matter how old we are. I don't think this is a reflection that he wants to be the patriarch, but that he will always want to provide us with whatever we lack in life, and be a parent and friend at the same time (which is what he told us when we were young), but I noticed that we seem to have difficulties in discussing about certain life issues like adults, because I don't think he sees me as one sometimes.

John laments that our conversations are relegated to the "Yes-No" simplicity and he constantly reminds me of our short time on Earth, but I find it difficult to break the mould over the phone. Listening to one of my friends who is a father himself to six grown children, he says that he yearns for his children to know him, not as a father, but also as a contributor to this world, a human being in all. I am most inspired by this and know that I will seek to learn about my own father in my next visit. I am also eager to explore deeper relationships with my closer ones in my life as I get more comfortable in my own skin. I have known for a long time that we have to be open before we can move others to open to us as well, but I have never really done too much of that with my own family. I think my family would like to know me as a person and I think they should be proud of who I am.

I know now that it is not conceit but vital for me to talk about myself sometimes, and for me to place myself and my needs first because then I will be a more balanced human being. In being so, I am possibly open up new windows within myself that may delight others in the process as well.