I was always afraid to carry newborn babies for fear of breaking their bones or dropping them or something silly of that sort. However, when I first laid eyes on Joy, it was love at first sight, and it was a strong and firm "Give her to me". It is an inexplicably wonderful sensation, to connect with a baby for the first time. I was so happy when I felt that same connection with Joshua.
It was Joshua's 4th birthday on the 9th April and Joy's 6th birthday tomorrow and I can't think of a better way to wish them Happy Birthday (besides the presents I had already sent) than a couple of blog posts about them. This is also in part, inspiration from my fellow cousins who have been blogging about their babies, and I thought it is my turn to show off the two loves of my lives.
As you may know, I am a baby lover, so I relished all opportunities to capture them on my camera, be it photos or videos whenever I am back in Singapore. This usually serves me well in Sydney when I get to look at them via my screensaver or have a couple of chuckles when I review the videos again, like I just did, to select a couple of my favourites to share. I love this video technology, that is now cheaper and accessible to more people, and is a wonderful way to capture a memory, because there is nothing that tells more than a moving picture.
Even when I was younger and back in Singapore, I wondered what I was like when I was little. Too little to really remember my thoughts and behaviour. Hence, I love to capture them in motion, especially when they are not really watching. As they grow older, it becomes harder, because they learn all the silly tricks and try to poke faces at the camera. Still, I managed to capture some really precious videos of them which my Mum and sister really enjoyed when I finally burnt them on all a disc and uploaded it onto the family computer.
Even though I may not be around all the time with the two of you, I can't tell you how proud I am of the two of you, and how much I love you both. I wish I could be around the two of you more often, to watch you grow and blossom, but sometimes, we can't help the way things are, which may be difficult to explain to you, but I hope you will understand when you reach my age. Strange as it may sound, this distance in some ways also helps to accentuate the relationship that we share, because I feel that I am able to spend so much more quality time with the two of you when I am back around you both, and I cherish every single moment down to the second.
I know that every time I see you both again, you would most likely have grown a year older, and will inevitably grow further apart, which is an acceptable part of life. Hopefully, I will always be able to connect with you both, and treat you both always with love and respect, because there is nothing I can do or say that will express my love and gratitude, and the ways you have taught me to love more than I could ever know. Happy Birthday, my little darlings! May you always embrace life and love as you do now and never be afraid to explore what life may bring along your way. I will always love you both.
We broke our "tradition" of celebrating our anniversary this year with a visit to Australia's capital, Canberra, instead of our perennial favourite Melbourne. After a "lacklustre" memory of my last trip to Canberra more than six years ago, it was time for a reassessment, if I could remember much from my previous trip at all. The other reason was to visit the Turner to Monet exhibition being held at the National Art Gallery, which has been recommended by more than a couple of friends, speaking of which the inspiration of the previous visit was also a Monet Exhibition which I visited with my flatmate then.
Canberra is a smaller city in comparison to Sydney and Melbourne, and unfortunately, there isn't too much to do in terms of tourists attractions except the Parliament, Museum and Art Galleries. It is primarily a place where government officials and embassies congregate, so there isn't too much development to the city or perhaps a need to attract tourists to this city. The good thing about this though is that there is less overcrowding of people, buildings and apartments leaving plenty of space for national parks and beautiful gardens and walkways.
It was a perfect time to visit Canberra and stroll through the Autumn colours, so beautifully represented with their gorgeous flaming red and bright yellow trees and their fallen leaves peppered along the streets. Beautiful as this sight, and as interesting as Parliament House is, there is little much else to visit in Canberra. Shopping is sparse and their Brand Depot, a factory outlet of supposedly famous brands abysmal, I was looking forward to discover a different Canberra in my mind, which unfortunately never eventuated.
Thankfully, the exhibition was excellent even though I am not a big fan of impressionist art, which made up only a fraction of the artwork presented. My favourite segments were the paintings that presented human behaviour during that period. I was intrigued by how the focus on these art pieces changed over time. Human behaviour was presented quite prominently in the early 1800s by some of these artists, which moved onto landscape as these artists ventured further away from their "comfort zones" of their towns, onto beaches, seas, volcanoes, and then back towards the simpler things in life, back to their home surroundings and gardens. There were only a handful of paintings of human study, which could be a representation of the times where little information flowed from one town to another, and these paintings were used as a form of communication about what people in the other towns and cities did. Note that this is just my interpretation based on what was presented and what little I know of art (which is practically zilch), but this was what I walked away with from the exhibition.
It is always the company that counts, no matter where we are or what we do, and John put it well that the best thing about the trip was spending the time together. We did make sure that we made up for the shopping disappointment with a really lovely dinner, hotel breakfast and luxurious accommodation. We also took opportunities to take many silly and fun photos of ourselves, making full use of the Autumn beauty of Canberra. It was a overall, a nice getaway but it will definitely be a long time again before we pay another visit to Canberra.
I just finished watching the sombre film "My Life Without Me", a small indie movie that I like very much. As the name suggests, the movie explores what we might do if we realise that we only have a very limited time left on Earth. Not everyone is as lucky to get notice, because for some of us, it will just come very suddenly, with little or no warning.After this, I browsed through my fellow friend's blog and read about a sudden death of his friend, someone that he used to keep in touch during his school days even though he was his senior, but had sort of lost close contact with since. News of death is always so difficult to accept, especially when it is someone who used to be close, but as a result of time, distanced ourselves not of choice, but because of life. I had a friend like that too. He was in his 50s, still too young to leave us. He taught me much, lessons that I still cherish till today. Even now when I feel low on creativity and inspiration, his voice of encouragement still rings in my ear. He was a teacher when I stepped out here and lived on my own for the first time. I remember his generosity when I moved onto my first apartment with my other housemates. We had no cutlery, crockery, plates, little things that cost plenty of money, and he was like coal in Winter, helping us create our first home out of nothing.He always had so many stories to tell, and an eager ear to listen as well, always ready to give credit and the encouragement when due. I realised at his funeral that I was not alone. Many other people were touched in the same way. Through his encouragement, I organised my first and only Halloween Party to date, my only cooking party and inspired us with his marvellous cooking, to always go for the best. He also helped me with my one and only attempt at proper dessert making - Crème brûlée with a chocolate mousse topping, an old French recipe from the oldest French Cooking Book, which he swore by. Like the song "MacArthur's Park", the recipe is now gone forever with his departure.He had his idiosyncrasies as well, but those just made chatting with him more interesting and challenging at the same time. He may be difficult to some but he was always kind to me and many others. It has been 2 years since he left, but the memories still lay fresh on the days when I brush by a familiar scene, and the scenes of laughter and friendship we shared replay. This is the beauty and the fragility of life. We may not live forever but we leave impressions on the footpaths of other's lives. I will always miss you, Jack, and the other people I have lost, but the traces of all of you will always grace the pathways of my life as long as I should live.
Two of my very close friends in Singapore, 乱火さん and 不思議少年さん opened their new online store selling T-shirts from Japan, and I wish to show my support towards their new venture with a belated promotion here. 頑張って下さいね！I think this is a great way for anyone to source these unique T-shirts from overseas at a reasonable price, so please feel free to browse and purchase on their site. They are really friendly and responsible guys, so you do not have to be afraid of being cheated on the internet.The best thing is that you will never be caught dead walking into your classroom, office or a gathering wearing the same thing as someone else. Just click on the link and shop away! 
The days when we anticipated the release of the next issue of magazines where we could browse through what happened last week in the entertainment world? Maybe not you, but I remember the good o'l days when my best friend Leslie and I would rush to Kinokuniya on Thursday afternoons after school because that was the day the Japanese magazines would be out. The anticipation ...The days when we went to the CD shop to check out new releases and debate on what we should spend our pennies on? We didn't have the internet, so we relied on newspapers and magazines to tell us what releases are due and how we can only place orders via the vendor and pray that it would eventually arrive. The lingering ...The days when we listened to an album on our cassette or CD player more than once. This seems impossible in today's world where everything is just so transient. I love my iPod and its ability to carry my entire music catalogue (all 70 GB of music - yes I'm obsessive), but I realised recently that I rarely listen to a full album in its entire glory more than once now. I chanced upon some old albums that I loved when I was younger and remembered how many times I listened to it over and over again. How did I do it then? Didn't I get sick of the repetition? Maybe it was having the time to savour till the next best thing came along, but I recall the many times I easily dismissed something and then learnt the value of it later along with repetition. The perseverance ...I guess we all move along with these times, where nothing is moving fast enough, and we are constantly rushing from point to point, rushing to be the first to post a piece of news, the first to comment, the first to review, the first to join. In this process, are we forgetting the value of slowing down, and the many discoveries we can explore with time. Are we too fast to judge?I just hope that we will never ever judge a book just by its cover, give it time to nuture, and savour the colours of goodness that may take some time to blossom. When I look back at the memorable times of my life, it is the tougher or touching moments I savour that I remember, not the fleeting moments of happiness that I can never recall.
Today marks John and my sixth anniversary since we first hooked up. It doesn't feel like yesterday because we have both grown together within the relationship as well as within ourselves.
For starters, I feel that I have matured aplenty and am a lot more outspoken than I have ever been. Through education and respect, I have learnt that one can love, not only with an open heart but with an open mind as well. Courage to speak the truth and not be afraid that I will be laughed at, or put down. To be respected for what I have to contribute.
It is not easy because though communication is the ultimate key to success in any relationship, there is always a fear that our partners will abandon us as a result of this honesty as well. Hence, it takes love, patience and understanding that at no time will we attempt to speak out of spite in order to hurt the other party. That what we have to contribute is an open window to further understanding and part of growing together within the relationship.
I cannot take all the credit for the wonderful relationship we have, because John has been a great force in me pushing my boundaries, having the breakdowns, and then the breakthroughs. It's wonderful to be able to have someone who understands my rhythm, who cares about me the same way I do about him, and is proud of our love. Thank you my darling, for our everyday routines, and for loving me just the way I am.
Happy Birthday Julian. This feels like a follow up on the "failures of my youth as a brother" series. As I mentioned in my previous post, I was probably unconsciously jealous of the closer relationship you had with Jen. I remember vaguely trying to shower my love on you as a baby because you were unanimously known as the cutest in the family and how everyone would try to pick you up and kiss you, and how you hated every minute of it. Mum used to tease that I have the scars to show on my face, which in some ways, didn't really help in my already low self esteem, but that was in some ways, my "futile" attempts to love you.In my attempt to fit in with my friends, I may have neglected you as a brother when you joined the same school as I did. It may also be an subconscious attempt to shield you from their nasty behaviour including their ability to influence and conquer the minds of the others in my class, and to ostracise. I hated being so weak and so "untalented" in the things that mattered (like soccer) and having the riches to show off then, so I didn't want them to have an extra reason to pick on you. My shame alone was enough for me to bear, a misfit in this world then finding solid ground to stand on. I also felt that you probably enjoyed being yourself, not as my brother, so my "ignorance" might have been a preferred solution.I remember our younger days with fun, laughter and tears. Fun with us playing all the time, and sometimes working too, helping Mum with cutting off the loose thread off the sewing that she had to take on to help with the family finances, and I remember that you were always the best at that. The days when you would learn a new slang at school and come back and tease me about it. Remember the "fat chicken" comment that you picked up, and how we used it on each other, until Mum stormed in, told me the correct meaning of the word, and how we nodded in silence that we were never going to use it again, only to signal it in silence when she left. How we used to be caned for being naughty, and how you would always find her hiding places and throw all the canes, and look in glee while she frantically searches for one. The sweeping of the cane under the toilet doors while we cling onto each other in fear. It's all pretty funny now, but not then. ;-)The day you decided that you were going to be a Methodist was also the day that I felt my young brother had grown up and I have lost that mischievous boy that I lovingly call my brother. I had to look at you differently because you dared to stand up to Mum and declare your difference and indifference to Grandma's wishes. Bless her that she never knew or Dad will never get over her nagging. I love you for daring to be different and I can only hope that this decision gave you the freedom to be who you want to be because I will always love you for who you are, no matter what you choose to be.You took on a more stoic stance and lost all that mischief that used to define you, in my mind. Our friends find it impossible to believe that you were the playful one that we were growing up because I felt that you seemed to take on the role of the elder brother with this new found religion. Still, I thank God and my lucky stars and you came over to Australia to study after me, because it was my first opportunity to fulfill my wishes as a big brother to you. I enjoyed those intimate conversations and times we had, and as little as they were, I thank you for accepting me for who I am. I wish we had more opportunities to grow our relationship, and I know I am partly to blame for the current "stagnant" stage, so I am trying to make a change.I also want to thank you for your sacrifice in going back to Singapore and I want you to know that you will not be left alone with the duty of looking after our folks. I will definitely do my part. I also hope you will be able to rediscover your true loves and work in the field that you truly desire to be in, where your passions lie, because you are so talented in art. If you can free yourself of the responsibilities you tie yourself down with, and dare to dream a little, you may be able to take that on as a course to start off, and then eventually your career. It's not that I am not confident that you will excel in your current work, but that I hopefully know you well enough to know what you'd rather be doing. I may have spoken too much, but I believe I can only take these baby steps to get to know you better. To get a key to your heart and allow you to feel safe enough to confide in me someday. For now, I will just be thankful that you will allow me to do this slowly, without slamming the door in my face.You are a wonderful brother. You may not express your love as openly as I do, but you probably feel just as much love, if not more, and I want everyone here to know that you have your own way of doing so, and I respect that. I admire your integrity and loyalty to the family and your friends, and your dedication to make all our lives better, even if it means sacrificing some aspects of your own. This is one of your greatest virtues, and I am honoured to have you and Jen as my siblings. To be able to grow up in such an environment of love, I am both very lucky and also very unlucky, to be unable to make quick bucks writing about my "poor" childhood, like some famous authors have. Thank you for everything you have brought to my life and I can't wait to see how our story spans. For your birthday, I am wishing you love, happiness and luck in everything you set out to do and be. Spread your wings my little brother and embrace love. Be less afraid of falling because Jen and I will always be there to catch.
