It has served me well for the past 6 years, allowing me an opportunity to live my dream, but the time has come to say goodbye. Ironically, it has been my longest relationship since I arrived 8 years ago and it has been a very difficult decision. Afterall, it is like a baby that I had nursed and now, I have to let it go and watch it grow under someone else's care.
Over the past few months and particularly so the past 3 weeks, I had made unreasonable demands on myself, putting myself outside my comfort zone to achieve what I finally set out to do a few years ago. Maybe part of it was to prove that I was still capable and the only way to do it was to dive head on. I am proud of myself but I am now wide awake at 5.30 am this morning, feeling the effects of the morning after.
I am leaving my job. To many people, I have become an image of my workplace. The reliable person that you get when you call or come to the retail end of the store. I don't have all the solutions but I try. I didn't have any experience running a business but I did it. There are many things I achieved that I should be proud of, but they are not quantitative. It is not only the success of the business but the relationships I have established. The suppliers, customers and my close relationship with my boss.
I told John last night that I still have a lot of love for my boss as a person because we are more like friends than boss and subordinate. However, the workload in heavier periods has sometimes created a bit of resentment, so this has freed the opportunity to care about him like a friend once again.
I guess I can always see it not only as moving on in life but progressing to another stage of our relationship, which will make it easier because I stilll want this friendship. I'd always knew it would be difficult but it has to be done ...
Thank you to all my friends who have been so supportive during my dormant years and pushing me on to achieve this, especially John. A step up towards our future!
爱到分离仍是爱。
不只是情人，
工作也一样。
可能我比较善情，
所以才会矛盾。
可是毕竟是一种爱，
离别抉择终有伤痛。
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Aussiebum
I have been posting so many serious issues that I thought I might sex it up a little with pictures of my new swimshorts that I bought over the net and wore them for the first time today. I am really happy with them because they are really comfortable and the cut helps create a sexier image.
These are photos taken off the Aussiebum website and as much as I wish the "six-pack" was mine, I love food too much to starve for such perfection. But I can dream ... an improbable dream ...
A perfect way to start Spring!
These are photos taken off the Aussiebum website and as much as I wish the "six-pack" was mine, I love food too much to starve for such perfection. But I can dream ... an improbable dream ...
A perfect way to start Spring!
Forgiveness
John and I were watching a typical Korean movie "A Moment To Remember" highly recommended by my sister, who also bought it as a present for me. The movie was full of clichés and patchy in spots, but was bearable due to the beauty and charisma of the two actors.
There was only one "true moment" to remember in the movie and it was this quote "We build houses in ourselves and forgiveness is about placing hatred in a small room." It is rather poignant because it teaches us not to let hatred consume our lives.
Saying sorry is not a difficult thing for me because I don't put a lot of emphasis on pride and I like the feeling of allowing myself to look silly to get a smile or a laugh out of someone who is not feeling particularly well. I remember clearly an incident during my army days when my best friend and I let the smallest of misunderstandings diminish the bond between us. We were so close. He was heterosexual but was comfortable about holding me, laying his head on my shoulder or even teasing me like a guy does his partner.
To many, they saw us as great buddies and I helped him through some of the hardest times of his army life. Somehow, lines were blurred in the army, and even though we never got intimate with kissing or anything further, it was more than a brotherhood that I could feel. Maybe deep down, it was more incomprehensible for him than me, so when the opportunity arose, he maximised it. We never got back to the same intimacy. We were not fearful of being burned but the little tiff toppled us both over.
Eventually, when we ended up having to work together, forgiveness was unnecessary but we couldn't even pin-point where what it was that started it all. It was too far down our minds and we reached this silent compromise that it was probably for the better that we never got so close again. I have not seen him since I left the army and even when I speak of him to my other friends, I feel the closeness we once felt. We didn't address the issues in a timely fashion and I guess we just missed the boat which sailed on, leaving us on opposite sides of the dock.
There was only one "true moment" to remember in the movie and it was this quote "We build houses in ourselves and forgiveness is about placing hatred in a small room." It is rather poignant because it teaches us not to let hatred consume our lives.
Saying sorry is not a difficult thing for me because I don't put a lot of emphasis on pride and I like the feeling of allowing myself to look silly to get a smile or a laugh out of someone who is not feeling particularly well. I remember clearly an incident during my army days when my best friend and I let the smallest of misunderstandings diminish the bond between us. We were so close. He was heterosexual but was comfortable about holding me, laying his head on my shoulder or even teasing me like a guy does his partner.
To many, they saw us as great buddies and I helped him through some of the hardest times of his army life. Somehow, lines were blurred in the army, and even though we never got intimate with kissing or anything further, it was more than a brotherhood that I could feel. Maybe deep down, it was more incomprehensible for him than me, so when the opportunity arose, he maximised it. We never got back to the same intimacy. We were not fearful of being burned but the little tiff toppled us both over.
Eventually, when we ended up having to work together, forgiveness was unnecessary but we couldn't even pin-point where what it was that started it all. It was too far down our minds and we reached this silent compromise that it was probably for the better that we never got so close again. I have not seen him since I left the army and even when I speak of him to my other friends, I feel the closeness we once felt. We didn't address the issues in a timely fashion and I guess we just missed the boat which sailed on, leaving us on opposite sides of the dock.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
An Early Frost
I had just watched the 1985 TV movie "An Early Frost" and I am amazed at how the film's message still applies today. It is the very first gay movie made on AIDS and to me, it was more realistic and touched on more sensitive issues than the seemingly definitive "Philadelphia" in 1994.
For starters, in 1985 people were still starting to familiarise themselves with the terms HIV and AIDS. Rock Hudson apparently came out a week after the movie screened on TV, which was watched by 33 million viewers and topped the viewership for the night. I was too young then, but I do remember the gaunt looking Hudson gracing the headlines of the local Singaporean papers. We were all learning about the disease in our own ways, and forming prejudices and beliefs based on what we hear from the grapevine, rather than the truth.
Truths may be presented but what do the experts know? We believed that nothing was greater than pure prevention. So, when I came out in Australia, at the back of my mind, I wondered how I would be affected by it. Active gay men are strongly encouraged to go for HIV tests regularly if they are having sex with more than one partner, and I remember the first test I had to take. It wasn't so much the anxiety over the blood drawing, but more so the embarassment of having to answer all sorts of personal questions you don't even like to ask yourself. Then, there is agonising one week wait and then the never ending time at the waiting room to be called in for your results. It is an excruciating painful process, even if the eventual results turn out negative.
When I made my first friend with HIV, I reacted the same way anyone who has read but never experienced would do ... I asked myself what is the appropriate behavi0ur? It isn't easy because I think they didn't want me to know but yet they knew I must know somehow. It's just coming out to another gay person. I actually remember now that I didn't know when I first met them, and only when I pondered and eventually askedwas the truth told, but never from the person, always from someone else. I was shocked because that was my first. I had all the same fears but deep down, I knew it was wrong to feel this prejudice. He was after all a friend of my friend's, and I wanted to show that my friend that I was supportive.
So, I decided to see them not as needing my pity, but rather my friendship. I wasn't going to treat them any different from my friends because it would not be doing them any favours. I was going to be myself. I hug and kiss them and I don't think twice about it anymore. It has become a way of life, but it would not have been possible if I had not taken the opportunity and the effort to know them, and understand that most of them have a strong sense of humour and a positive outlook on life. I don't know if it is coming close to death that allows them this freedom to be ... to not have this care that we have about looking bad, and just treasuring every moment they have, and live.
The first funeral I attended in Sydney was one of these friends. I still remember him clearly, but it is not the sick images or stories of him that I recall but I see him in his sunny self. Thankfully, there is better medication out there for people living with HIV, but it is still incurable. "It is not a gay disease" as spelled out in this movie but this message still gets lost because conservative gatekeepers in our society prefer to keep it under wraps and handle it the only way they can, by pointing the easy finger. We now know this truth because millions are dying in Africa of AIDS everyday. However, without powerful voices like us, prejudice remains.
We need love in our lives to carry on our daily motivations but more so the less fortunate people around the world. Perceptions can blind us but truths and love will clear the way ...
Thursday, September 07, 2006
A Surprise Trip
Much has been happening but nothing significant to report or explore, except that I will be making a very short 4 day trip back to Singapore once again from the 22nd - 25th September. It is a late surprise gift from my Aunt Constance in Japan, who called me about a week or so ago, asking if I could spare some time to attend my cousin's wedding.
Initially, my response was No. Not only because I had just returned, but more so that I didn't want her to "waste" any money unnecessarily. On the other hand, there was the issue of John and I was concerned that we were not spending enough time on holidays and here I am, taking another 2 days off work to go back to Singapore. However, she persevered and funnily enough, when I told my parents of her good intentions, their initial reactions were predictably negative and a little hurting at the same time. Rationale ruled over heart and they implored me to be strong in negativity. In slight retaliation, I told Mum to call aunt instead and discourage her from doing so.
Within 5 minutes, I get a call from aunt who began the first line with "Why did you tell your Mum? I wanted to give her a surprise." How that escaped my mind, I don't know. I guess I was seduced by the fancy idea of having my family in my arms once again. When you are that far away from the people you care so much about, any chance is a dream come true.
I said "Sorry and Yes, I will start looking at flights" absent-mindedly because I could feel my heart in my throat. We hung up and within a minute, there was Mum again asking me what aunt had told me. Still fazed, I said "Nothing", but she pressed on "Did she say she wanted to surprise me?" to which I nodded with a soft "Yes", amazed by the telepathy between the sisters. Mum then calmed down and asked "So, are you coming or not?". I said "I don't know. I'll think about it" twice because she repeated the question. Laughing at my "broken record", she says "I know that means that you're going to come" with my dad's laughter echoing in the background.
Almost a week passed before I spoke to them again and to my surprise, they had dropped defences and are embracing my possible return, albeit for such a short time. I have just booked the ticket but have yet to let them know, but I guess they don't really need to, because they do.
It will be a testing time because I also see it as an opportunity to redefine my relationship with my aunt since she outed me last year. Consciously due to fear, I have distanced myself from her, and have reduced the amount of fancy telephone chats over the past year. I am not proud of that but it is difficult for me to operate outside my comfort zone. I lacked courage and was embarrassed by it. So, I chose the easy way out. Most conversations tinged with fear and a constant lookout for the escape hatch ...
Since she is a sensitive woman, I have a strong feeling that she realises that, and is trying to work something out here. I will also have a chance to let her know my side of the story, which is that "I am happy", and I think this is very important. I will also be meeting my uncle whom I have not met before since their marriage 2 years ago, so it would be nice to catch up, though I don't know if she has revealed the secret to him. I am sure we will have some quiet time where I can poach the subject.
I can already see it as a tiring trip to and fro and will not have any opportunity to meet up with anyone, except my VAMP group who knows my aunt and who would most likely want to see them again. Nevertheless, blood relations will always remain important in my life and the spontaneity of the trip will most likely leave me grinning in spite of the fatigue.
Initially, my response was No. Not only because I had just returned, but more so that I didn't want her to "waste" any money unnecessarily. On the other hand, there was the issue of John and I was concerned that we were not spending enough time on holidays and here I am, taking another 2 days off work to go back to Singapore. However, she persevered and funnily enough, when I told my parents of her good intentions, their initial reactions were predictably negative and a little hurting at the same time. Rationale ruled over heart and they implored me to be strong in negativity. In slight retaliation, I told Mum to call aunt instead and discourage her from doing so.
Within 5 minutes, I get a call from aunt who began the first line with "Why did you tell your Mum? I wanted to give her a surprise." How that escaped my mind, I don't know. I guess I was seduced by the fancy idea of having my family in my arms once again. When you are that far away from the people you care so much about, any chance is a dream come true.
I said "Sorry and Yes, I will start looking at flights" absent-mindedly because I could feel my heart in my throat. We hung up and within a minute, there was Mum again asking me what aunt had told me. Still fazed, I said "Nothing", but she pressed on "Did she say she wanted to surprise me?" to which I nodded with a soft "Yes", amazed by the telepathy between the sisters. Mum then calmed down and asked "So, are you coming or not?". I said "I don't know. I'll think about it" twice because she repeated the question. Laughing at my "broken record", she says "I know that means that you're going to come" with my dad's laughter echoing in the background.
Almost a week passed before I spoke to them again and to my surprise, they had dropped defences and are embracing my possible return, albeit for such a short time. I have just booked the ticket but have yet to let them know, but I guess they don't really need to, because they do.
It will be a testing time because I also see it as an opportunity to redefine my relationship with my aunt since she outed me last year. Consciously due to fear, I have distanced myself from her, and have reduced the amount of fancy telephone chats over the past year. I am not proud of that but it is difficult for me to operate outside my comfort zone. I lacked courage and was embarrassed by it. So, I chose the easy way out. Most conversations tinged with fear and a constant lookout for the escape hatch ...
Since she is a sensitive woman, I have a strong feeling that she realises that, and is trying to work something out here. I will also have a chance to let her know my side of the story, which is that "I am happy", and I think this is very important. I will also be meeting my uncle whom I have not met before since their marriage 2 years ago, so it would be nice to catch up, though I don't know if she has revealed the secret to him. I am sure we will have some quiet time where I can poach the subject.
I can already see it as a tiring trip to and fro and will not have any opportunity to meet up with anyone, except my VAMP group who knows my aunt and who would most likely want to see them again. Nevertheless, blood relations will always remain important in my life and the spontaneity of the trip will most likely leave me grinning in spite of the fatigue.
Saturday, August 26, 2006
The Asian Queer "Revolution"
I received my usual updates from Fridae and there were some interesting articles about a famed Malaysian journalist and some ordinary Singaporeans coming out in their books respectively.
Since this is a topic of discussion on my previous post, I thought it would be nice to share a few of these "brave stories" here to spur me and everyone else caught in the same boat.
Here are the links:
Oyoung WenFeng
Queer in Singapore
Talking Cock
I believe it is good that these people are stepping out into the limelight and particularly brave of the 15 ordinary Singaporeans featured in the second link. The following quotes from the Indian lesbian resonated with me:
"Coming out is an act of courage but you need to support your community by being out too. I needed to do it to help bring my own community as in the Indian community out of the closet and that it's okay"
I am lucky because I am out to my friends here in Australia but I do have some friends back in Singapore who have to lead a secret life, not only to their families but to their friends as well. I don't know how much exposure these articles might get in the media but I am hoping that the press will help to shape positive attitudes when the books are launched. Sometimes, ordinary people can be daily heroes too.
Since this is a topic of discussion on my previous post, I thought it would be nice to share a few of these "brave stories" here to spur me and everyone else caught in the same boat.
Here are the links:
Oyoung WenFeng
Queer in Singapore
Talking Cock
I believe it is good that these people are stepping out into the limelight and particularly brave of the 15 ordinary Singaporeans featured in the second link. The following quotes from the Indian lesbian resonated with me:
"Coming out is an act of courage but you need to support your community by being out too. I needed to do it to help bring my own community as in the Indian community out of the closet and that it's okay"
I am lucky because I am out to my friends here in Australia but I do have some friends back in Singapore who have to lead a secret life, not only to their families but to their friends as well. I don't know how much exposure these articles might get in the media but I am hoping that the press will help to shape positive attitudes when the books are launched. Sometimes, ordinary people can be daily heroes too.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
The Wedding Banquet
My baby wants recognition from my family as my lover. My baby says he doesn't want to bear the effects of my not coming out anymore ...
The discussions about my status as a gay son in my family has recently been escalating. Initially, I embark on my usual voyage of denials and affirmations that my parents are not "matured enough" to take the news if I break it to them, and with the encouragement of some friends to do it at my own time, I usually get away with diverting the conversation for some other time.
Yesterday, this topic of intense interest has been sparked by a lecture we attended on gay, lesbians, human rights and marriage issues given eloquently by the Honorable Justice Michael Kirby. During the lecture, he not only discussed the need for us to address the homosexual issues relating to human rights, but also any other minority group facing the same discrimination all around the world. It's not just an issue that affects us, and even though we may not live to see the day where we will universally be loved, we have to work hard together to pave the way for this to happen.
One of the topics that he also discussed was the coming out to the family and how we need to do that so that people around us, our friends, colleagues and families will not longer have the opportunity to declare that they do not know anyone who is gay. We need to be brave and stand out, so that they will understand that fundamentally, we are no different from them, and are not evil spirits within.
I got the message and when the topic was brought up during our dinner again, John brought up the first valid point that really struck home. He has previously likened his experience with me as an invisible lover ... just a flatmate that James spends an incredible amount of time with, but his parents still look forward to the day James will find the right person. He wants to be recognised, even if they are going to shun him (which will be my anticipated reaction), like the way his Mum accepts me as her son's lover. Yesterday, he likened it to being in a relationship with someone for 4 years and he is ashamed to bring me home as his lover.
I'll give him this as his most valid point. If we were in a heterosexual relationship, my parents would probably be planning a weddding banquet now ... the one that I am going to break their hearts and their dreams that they are never going to have one.
My parents love me dearly. Ever since we were young, we have been doted with lots of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, and Dad asking us if we love him back. I thought it was normal or rather common until I realised that my friend's parents hardly touched them. Slowly, it started getting embarassing as we grew older and we confined it within the four walls of our home. I will also always remember promising Dad and Mum that I will look after them when I grow older, which is probably why this integrity makes coming out so difficult.
There must be something in not being honest about my sexuality that feeds this denial. Not wanting to hurt them, shatter their dreams, feeling the anxiety, losing face .... So many points for my home run ... Does my current stance of "cultural differences" still stand as a valid point?
Everytime I go back to Singapore nowadays, I try to be the perfect son. I feel like I am a bad son in my parents' eye because selfishly, I have chosen to live my dream staying abroad, instead of doing my part as a dutiful son. Yes, I have traditional values that I still keep, but that is what defines me. My fundamentality as a Chinese that I am proud of. It doesn't mean that I have to give this up just because I choose to live in foreign soil. I have adopted some Aussie trademarks, but I am still me deep within.
Even though my parents appear strong and wish me well, I know that deep down they are hurting because I am not there. I called my aunt recently and her first response was "Have you come back to Singapore for good?". When I last saw my cousins, one of the elder ones said "Why do you choose to stay away when your parents love you so much. Can't you see that you are hurting them?"
These are guilts that I have to live with. I call them three times a week, I write them "love letters" when I go, and I never forget to let them know how I feel. Still, deep down, I feel like the bad son. My Mum's "We are not going to be around all the time" may sound like emotional blackmail to some, but when your mother says this to you with an aching heart, how can you steel yours?
John says I have to grow up and accept that they are not always going to be happy with my choices and that I don't have to live my life according to them. This is true but I am learning to make my own decisions still. It is my journey to walk and even though I have the love and support of my friends and family, it is my consequence to bear, and that is my crossroad.
We both have our own cases with valid points and I have seen many other couples who have dealt with it before me. Some have lasted much longer than we have, but their partners are still in the closet. Is it that their partners are so generous and understanding that coming out doesn't matter to them, or have they just given up? Is there a balance we can strike?
I know what my coming out can bring. Lots of good and plenty of bad as well. John has confidence that my parents' love for me will eventually shine through, though I wonder if I am ready for this ride yet. Ang Lee's movie "The Wedding Banquet" still rings as the most realistic portrait of interracial relationships (not only for Asians but other cultural groups binded strongly by beliefs).
One of the main reasons why I haven't come out or I freeze at the thought of it is my parent's impression of homosexuality cultivated by the gatekeepers of society. I believe my Mum has stronger intuition than my Dad who is seemingly oblivious. She sees and she probes. I wonder if that is a sign that she knows or she is just getting ready for the revelation one day? With Asians, saving face is the most important thing in their world, so like the parents in "The Wedding Banquet", it will probably remain an open secret within the small confines of my family, if I do come out. Without the society's support, it will remain tough to declare our love but like what Justice Michael Kirby says, we will be the ones that will have to make that bold change.
I think I know that it is a day that is coming soon, and maybe I am working harder towards building the courage for that to happen. Maybe it's the part of me that wants to please, so that I am still lovable that leaves me in a further dilemma. I guess deep down in me, I can still make that wedding banquet dream happen, but with my love instead of what they had envisioned. Isn't my happiness most important?
囍宴就是幸福的开始吗？
那不结婚就不会幸福吗？
粉碎父母的梦想就是不孝吗？
我心慌，我彷徨，
真爱真地能克服万难吗？
面子真比我们的幸福重要吗 。 。 。
The discussions about my status as a gay son in my family has recently been escalating. Initially, I embark on my usual voyage of denials and affirmations that my parents are not "matured enough" to take the news if I break it to them, and with the encouragement of some friends to do it at my own time, I usually get away with diverting the conversation for some other time.
Yesterday, this topic of intense interest has been sparked by a lecture we attended on gay, lesbians, human rights and marriage issues given eloquently by the Honorable Justice Michael Kirby. During the lecture, he not only discussed the need for us to address the homosexual issues relating to human rights, but also any other minority group facing the same discrimination all around the world. It's not just an issue that affects us, and even though we may not live to see the day where we will universally be loved, we have to work hard together to pave the way for this to happen.
One of the topics that he also discussed was the coming out to the family and how we need to do that so that people around us, our friends, colleagues and families will not longer have the opportunity to declare that they do not know anyone who is gay. We need to be brave and stand out, so that they will understand that fundamentally, we are no different from them, and are not evil spirits within.
I got the message and when the topic was brought up during our dinner again, John brought up the first valid point that really struck home. He has previously likened his experience with me as an invisible lover ... just a flatmate that James spends an incredible amount of time with, but his parents still look forward to the day James will find the right person. He wants to be recognised, even if they are going to shun him (which will be my anticipated reaction), like the way his Mum accepts me as her son's lover. Yesterday, he likened it to being in a relationship with someone for 4 years and he is ashamed to bring me home as his lover.
I'll give him this as his most valid point. If we were in a heterosexual relationship, my parents would probably be planning a weddding banquet now ... the one that I am going to break their hearts and their dreams that they are never going to have one.
My parents love me dearly. Ever since we were young, we have been doted with lots of physical affection. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, and Dad asking us if we love him back. I thought it was normal or rather common until I realised that my friend's parents hardly touched them. Slowly, it started getting embarassing as we grew older and we confined it within the four walls of our home. I will also always remember promising Dad and Mum that I will look after them when I grow older, which is probably why this integrity makes coming out so difficult.
There must be something in not being honest about my sexuality that feeds this denial. Not wanting to hurt them, shatter their dreams, feeling the anxiety, losing face .... So many points for my home run ... Does my current stance of "cultural differences" still stand as a valid point?
Everytime I go back to Singapore nowadays, I try to be the perfect son. I feel like I am a bad son in my parents' eye because selfishly, I have chosen to live my dream staying abroad, instead of doing my part as a dutiful son. Yes, I have traditional values that I still keep, but that is what defines me. My fundamentality as a Chinese that I am proud of. It doesn't mean that I have to give this up just because I choose to live in foreign soil. I have adopted some Aussie trademarks, but I am still me deep within.
Even though my parents appear strong and wish me well, I know that deep down they are hurting because I am not there. I called my aunt recently and her first response was "Have you come back to Singapore for good?". When I last saw my cousins, one of the elder ones said "Why do you choose to stay away when your parents love you so much. Can't you see that you are hurting them?"
These are guilts that I have to live with. I call them three times a week, I write them "love letters" when I go, and I never forget to let them know how I feel. Still, deep down, I feel like the bad son. My Mum's "We are not going to be around all the time" may sound like emotional blackmail to some, but when your mother says this to you with an aching heart, how can you steel yours?
John says I have to grow up and accept that they are not always going to be happy with my choices and that I don't have to live my life according to them. This is true but I am learning to make my own decisions still. It is my journey to walk and even though I have the love and support of my friends and family, it is my consequence to bear, and that is my crossroad.
We both have our own cases with valid points and I have seen many other couples who have dealt with it before me. Some have lasted much longer than we have, but their partners are still in the closet. Is it that their partners are so generous and understanding that coming out doesn't matter to them, or have they just given up? Is there a balance we can strike?
I know what my coming out can bring. Lots of good and plenty of bad as well. John has confidence that my parents' love for me will eventually shine through, though I wonder if I am ready for this ride yet. Ang Lee's movie "The Wedding Banquet" still rings as the most realistic portrait of interracial relationships (not only for Asians but other cultural groups binded strongly by beliefs).
One of the main reasons why I haven't come out or I freeze at the thought of it is my parent's impression of homosexuality cultivated by the gatekeepers of society. I believe my Mum has stronger intuition than my Dad who is seemingly oblivious. She sees and she probes. I wonder if that is a sign that she knows or she is just getting ready for the revelation one day? With Asians, saving face is the most important thing in their world, so like the parents in "The Wedding Banquet", it will probably remain an open secret within the small confines of my family, if I do come out. Without the society's support, it will remain tough to declare our love but like what Justice Michael Kirby says, we will be the ones that will have to make that bold change.
I think I know that it is a day that is coming soon, and maybe I am working harder towards building the courage for that to happen. Maybe it's the part of me that wants to please, so that I am still lovable that leaves me in a further dilemma. I guess deep down in me, I can still make that wedding banquet dream happen, but with my love instead of what they had envisioned. Isn't my happiness most important?
囍宴就是幸福的开始吗？
那不结婚就不会幸福吗？
粉碎父母的梦想就是不孝吗？
我心慌，我彷徨，
真爱真地能克服万难吗？
面子真比我们的幸福重要吗 。 。 。
Thursday, August 10, 2006
Leslie Kee and Akina Nakamori
Image: Courtesy of 乱火from VAMP
I was the one that introduced Japanese music to my friend, Leslie Kee, who is now a famous photographer. I am "the root of the evil" because we became so embroiled in it that our studies were affected. Maybe because we were both trying so hard to fit in somewhere somehow, this avenue allowed us a safe place to hideaway. The best thing is that it has helped us to bond deeper and I am so proud of his every achievement and I hope that I will continue to draw more inspiration from him in my life everday.
Akina is and always has been my favourite. I will never forget a birthday present that I was given by Leslie where he superimposed Akina and my image together in a photostand (he photocopied our images a couple of times till he obtained the right size and proportion because there was no photoshop in the late 80s). It is still sitting in a cupboard in Singapore and everytime I see it, I remember the exhilaration I experienced when I first set my eyes on it.
Until last year, I had never seen her live and thus, when I was urged by friends to offer 3 free tickets to Leslie, I hurried. Alas, due to bad timing and weather, he had to give it up because of a CM shoot with new Japanese superstar Koda Kumi. He told me that he will try his best to watch the last concert on the 8th August with a TV producer but couldn't commit to it. Still I begged him not to miss the concert after reading all the fabulous reviews that our fellow VAMPires had gushed about after they returned home.
2 days had passed and I hadn't heard back, so I assumed that he didn't make it. But I am crying silently now because Leslie has written me an email about him catching Akina's final performance at the Tokyo Forum, and here is his letter ...
Dearest James
Wow, I have to say Akina is a killer on stage.
I have probably seen more than hundreds of concerts in the last 12 years
in Japan, but nobody is like Akina, what a perfectionist on stage, and the
most incredible experience for me, was that all the audience stood up
throughout the entire 150 mins concert !!!
Not even Yuming nor Ayu nor Hikaru's live ever have such response
from the audience, inspite of the mega scale in big halls.
Guess that all your Akina's fans must have already shared with you their
feelings for this The Last Destination Live. Luckily enough was that I
was sitting in the middle, 10 rows from the stage, very very good seat
and her charm and power that night, was just so irresistable !
In her 2nd encore, she sang Momoe's 夢先案内人, Takeuchi Mariya's
September and Slow Motion, which was requested by the audience.
She performed those 3 songs without any music, but so beautifully.
I managed to enter backstage, as I met actress Kanda Uno (who acted
in the drama with her, and is also one of the 300 artists in my book)
and she was very nice to have brought me in. However that night,
according to Akina's record management (Universal Record) , she was
not in the mood to meet anyone, so even Uno has no choice but to
leave without meeting her.
Almost there, so close, but too bad. However I have a great talk with
Universal Record, and began to understand many reasons why Akina
refused so much major offers in the last 10 years of her career.
Akina thinks very deeply, and will only accept projects and jobs if
she feels it. Sometimes it's also about timing.
Please keep on loving Akina - she is such a lengendary Diva, and I
promise you that one day, not very far from now, I am going to photographher with the most amazing beauty which we have been missing from her,for a long time.
By the way, my SUPER STARS Book will be out on 10 November 2006.
Opening party on that evening, at the Omotesando Hills, Tokyo.Another 3 more months from now !
This is such a fabulous review from someone who is not a core Akina fan but who loves and admires her as well and I am so touched by the comments. I feel almost as if I was there watching and screaming with Leslie, which we had not done since 1994 at Yuming's concert with Zing and Kong as well. This is a wonderful testament to Akina's prowess and I can't wait to watch the performance on DVD which I hope will be released. Thank You Akina. You have made all of us fans very happy and extremely proud of you.
More Reviews of Akina's concert on VAMP.
Lastly, for those of you who are in Tokyo on the 10th November, please go and support Leslie on his launch. I am sure you will see many famous artistes there if they are free. Yuming will be writing the foreword/preface for the book, so she might be there too. Thank you lastly to Leslie for keeping my dream alive!!!
Please visit Leslie's website for more information on his upcoming publication and why he is dedicating this book to the unfortunate people who died and suffered during the tsunami 2004.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Tales and Fables
Remember the tales and fables we were told when we were children? Not only those to scare us, like "Don't screw your face up because the wind might change and your expression will stick" or variations of the "bogey-man if we are not good?", but others like "Where did we come from?"
That came up as a nagging thought after I watched the new Australian movie "Ten Canoes", which is also the first to be filmed in an aboriginal language. It is an amazing film that traces the origins of Aborigines and also the fable of a man and his three wives. For Aborigines, they believe that their souls originate "like a tadpole" (the way I remember it) and they hibernate in a pond until their calling, where they enter their mother's vagina. When they die, their souls return back to this pond where they originate and they await their rebirth. It is all about nature and is very spiritual.
The Westerners believe in the tale that the stork would carry a bundle of joy (baby) to their parents and hence their arrival. However, no matter how I searched my memory, I cannot recall a Chinese fable that covers our birth. Maybe I haven't heard it, or maybe I just remember the stork story, but I seriously think there isn't one. Are us Chinese not concerned about how we were born? It could also be that there are so many Chinese fables (my favourite is 画蛇添足） to be told that we never practise the art of questioning, or we have just been told to shut up if we ask too many questions. Ultimately, all I can recall is that I just came to the conclusion in my schooling years amongst discussions with friends that my parents just had sex and created me.
Maybe it is also because I am born in Singapore, a multicultural city that seeks to define its own identity. Even though we are Chinese descendants with our grandparents or great-grandparents migrating from mainland China, we still practise many traditions that might not be celebrated in China today. I read once that migrants bring with them a piece of tradition that is passed down status quo, unaware that sometimes in the land of origin, practices have updated with times. So, was this tale lost in time?
Though the movie "Ten Canoes" is rather slow, it was very authentic and both interesting and puzzling, but I understand that foreigners would feel the same way about my Chinese culture as well. These are the cultural differences that help define us and we should be proud of them. The movie not only allows newer generations of Aborigines to understand a piece of their history but also to be proud of it. Foreigners like me are hence also offered a chance understand them better through this depiction.
For me, the highlights of the movie is ironically, the death ceremony. It is intriguing because the person who is near death has to perform a death dance until he/she is breathless and can no longer continue. Someone else will then dance for them till the dance is over. It is almost like being in the spotlight for the last time while the villagers celebrate your life for the last time. It is very unlike the Western and Chinese culture, which are poles apart to start with.
The Western affair is solemn but the Chinese prefer to mourn in a louder fashion. For Buddhists and Taoists, there will be a more elaborate affair, and the extend of the "extravagance" will depend on the age of the deceased. The older the person is, the longer will the ceremony be held. There will be lots of talking, eating and mahjong playing all through the night, to "scare the evil spirits who want to take the soul of the deceased away". These old wives tales that form the core beliefs of our system.
The deceased in both cases do not celebrate their life in any fashion. They lie silent within the confines of their final resting place. Westerners have eulogies but Chinese don't. They just talk and share amongst themselves and the saddest thing is that not everyone will hear these wonderful stories that may help them to understand this person/relative better.
Tales and fables ... they help to define our core belief systems and structures, which is why it is difficult sometimes not to be superstitious about certain traditions, but do they need updating with times? One of John's favourite is questioning the validity of the word "heaty", which he thinks is preposterous, but to me, defines the way Chinese see their body ... as a temple of yin and yang, the imbalance of which creates illness within the body. It is a concept difficult to them, and equally puzzling to us as to why they can't understand such a simple concept.
If I could change one tradition which seems to be universal, then I would change the way we mourn death. Eulogies are nice, but the dead cannot hear. They deserve to be heard because it can help to change or even save lives. It should be a celebration and we should have such ceremonies at least once in our lives because we all deserve it. My darling John had an appreciation ceremony for his mother in 2001 and they are still talking and reminiscing about it, and one of my best friends and someone I really look up to, Robbie did it recently for his partner's Margaret's 60th birthday. Jokingly, she said it resembled eulogies.There was tears and laughter , and altogether, it was just beautiful. A celebration of love, friendship and souls. I was hesitant about speaking up because I didn't have that much history but I realised after that that many others felt the same way and chose not to speak. I see the wasted chances and will seek courage so that I will do so in any future opportunities.
I remember a time when I worked in Singapore when I would write a farewell/appreciation letter to every person who left the company that I was working at. I will never forget their faces when they read the email/letter and the connections we established. It was pure magic and I wonder where it has all gone now? So, maybe this year, for my 35th birthday, I will ask not for presents, but just a figment of our sweet memories ...
That came up as a nagging thought after I watched the new Australian movie "Ten Canoes", which is also the first to be filmed in an aboriginal language. It is an amazing film that traces the origins of Aborigines and also the fable of a man and his three wives. For Aborigines, they believe that their souls originate "like a tadpole" (the way I remember it) and they hibernate in a pond until their calling, where they enter their mother's vagina. When they die, their souls return back to this pond where they originate and they await their rebirth. It is all about nature and is very spiritual.
The Westerners believe in the tale that the stork would carry a bundle of joy (baby) to their parents and hence their arrival. However, no matter how I searched my memory, I cannot recall a Chinese fable that covers our birth. Maybe I haven't heard it, or maybe I just remember the stork story, but I seriously think there isn't one. Are us Chinese not concerned about how we were born? It could also be that there are so many Chinese fables (my favourite is 画蛇添足） to be told that we never practise the art of questioning, or we have just been told to shut up if we ask too many questions. Ultimately, all I can recall is that I just came to the conclusion in my schooling years amongst discussions with friends that my parents just had sex and created me.
Maybe it is also because I am born in Singapore, a multicultural city that seeks to define its own identity. Even though we are Chinese descendants with our grandparents or great-grandparents migrating from mainland China, we still practise many traditions that might not be celebrated in China today. I read once that migrants bring with them a piece of tradition that is passed down status quo, unaware that sometimes in the land of origin, practices have updated with times. So, was this tale lost in time?
Though the movie "Ten Canoes" is rather slow, it was very authentic and both interesting and puzzling, but I understand that foreigners would feel the same way about my Chinese culture as well. These are the cultural differences that help define us and we should be proud of them. The movie not only allows newer generations of Aborigines to understand a piece of their history but also to be proud of it. Foreigners like me are hence also offered a chance understand them better through this depiction.
For me, the highlights of the movie is ironically, the death ceremony. It is intriguing because the person who is near death has to perform a death dance until he/she is breathless and can no longer continue. Someone else will then dance for them till the dance is over. It is almost like being in the spotlight for the last time while the villagers celebrate your life for the last time. It is very unlike the Western and Chinese culture, which are poles apart to start with.
The Western affair is solemn but the Chinese prefer to mourn in a louder fashion. For Buddhists and Taoists, there will be a more elaborate affair, and the extend of the "extravagance" will depend on the age of the deceased. The older the person is, the longer will the ceremony be held. There will be lots of talking, eating and mahjong playing all through the night, to "scare the evil spirits who want to take the soul of the deceased away". These old wives tales that form the core beliefs of our system.
The deceased in both cases do not celebrate their life in any fashion. They lie silent within the confines of their final resting place. Westerners have eulogies but Chinese don't. They just talk and share amongst themselves and the saddest thing is that not everyone will hear these wonderful stories that may help them to understand this person/relative better.
Tales and fables ... they help to define our core belief systems and structures, which is why it is difficult sometimes not to be superstitious about certain traditions, but do they need updating with times? One of John's favourite is questioning the validity of the word "heaty", which he thinks is preposterous, but to me, defines the way Chinese see their body ... as a temple of yin and yang, the imbalance of which creates illness within the body. It is a concept difficult to them, and equally puzzling to us as to why they can't understand such a simple concept.
If I could change one tradition which seems to be universal, then I would change the way we mourn death. Eulogies are nice, but the dead cannot hear. They deserve to be heard because it can help to change or even save lives. It should be a celebration and we should have such ceremonies at least once in our lives because we all deserve it. My darling John had an appreciation ceremony for his mother in 2001 and they are still talking and reminiscing about it, and one of my best friends and someone I really look up to, Robbie did it recently for his partner's Margaret's 60th birthday. Jokingly, she said it resembled eulogies.There was tears and laughter , and altogether, it was just beautiful. A celebration of love, friendship and souls. I was hesitant about speaking up because I didn't have that much history but I realised after that that many others felt the same way and chose not to speak. I see the wasted chances and will seek courage so that I will do so in any future opportunities.
I remember a time when I worked in Singapore when I would write a farewell/appreciation letter to every person who left the company that I was working at. I will never forget their faces when they read the email/letter and the connections we established. It was pure magic and I wonder where it has all gone now? So, maybe this year, for my 35th birthday, I will ask not for presents, but just a figment of our sweet memories ...
Monday, July 31, 2006
That Holiday Feeling
I have been back for about a week and a half, and I am still tired. Work has been frantic and my running "joke" when someone asks me how my holiday was, is that "I am paying for it now".
When I first returned, it all seemed like a dream. The holiday, the liaisons, the time spent in Singapore ... but then again, there are the gifts and the memories. One customer that admired my long holiday advised "I know how you feel but don't lose that holiday feeling." It has been more than 10 days since, and it has still resonated with me. How do I not lose it when life here has become even more frantic that before I left?
I recall. I recollect the days I spent with my loving family and my wonderful friends. I look at the photos, smile and sometimes feel the urge to cry. I didn't feel that I missed them as much this time when I am back but when I chat with my family and then get a surprise phone call two days later, saying "We wanted to check because we haven't heard from you in days" when it was only two, I end up sobbing later.
I guess in a deeper part of me hidden by stress and daily life, I am missing everyone quite a bit too. I remember clearly the conversation I had with my 4 year old niece, Joy, about 20 minutes before I departed.
James: Joy, will you miss uncle when I go back to Australia?
Joy: Where is Australia?
James: It's south of Singapore and I have to sit on an aeroplane for about 8 hours to get to Australia (while making signs and symbols with my flapping arms).
Joy: So, you're taking the helicopter?
James: No, I can't take the helicopter. I have to take the aeroplane.
Joy: Oh, the aeroplane ...
James: Do you come with uncle sometime to Australia?
Joy: (deep thoughts) Where is Australia?
I wonder if they get the concept of leaving? Are they too young? Will they miss me? Will they remember the days that we spent together playing? Mum says that they do because they never asked her where I went unlike previous episodes with others. I hugged everyone outside the departure gate and rushed through it because I know that if I don't, tears will follow. I guess I'm not growing into a fan of airport farewells. I pass through the first line of officers, look back, wave and hold back the tears. As I walk towards the shops and pause for a final farewell, I am already crying ... but they can't see clearly, and soon it all becomes a blur. I wipe my tears hurriedly and walk away with the intentions to walk back and steal a last glance of their backs, but I was too late. They had already left ...
Life carries on for us but the overload of work has not allowed me the luxury of missing them. I am now really conscious of what stress can take away from us ... the wonders of feeling, loving, missing and thinking. I am writing this because I want to engulf myself in these warm waves, to feel my body and hear the trembles of every muscle. I also want to thank everyone who made my holiday back in Singapore such a warm and wonderful one and I want to return your love and support should any of you find your way down under.
It is only with this determination and awareness that I will not forget the holiday feeling, stay positive, not succumb to life, but take control. I want to live!
在繁忙的日常生活里容易忘记自我，
脑子里充满的只是忙，盲， 忙。
身体感到的只是累， 累， 累。
忘了生命中重要的东西。
忘了什么是思念，什么是爱。
但是只要有此知觉，
就是踏上真实人生的第一步。
When I first returned, it all seemed like a dream. The holiday, the liaisons, the time spent in Singapore ... but then again, there are the gifts and the memories. One customer that admired my long holiday advised "I know how you feel but don't lose that holiday feeling." It has been more than 10 days since, and it has still resonated with me. How do I not lose it when life here has become even more frantic that before I left?
I recall. I recollect the days I spent with my loving family and my wonderful friends. I look at the photos, smile and sometimes feel the urge to cry. I didn't feel that I missed them as much this time when I am back but when I chat with my family and then get a surprise phone call two days later, saying "We wanted to check because we haven't heard from you in days" when it was only two, I end up sobbing later.
I guess in a deeper part of me hidden by stress and daily life, I am missing everyone quite a bit too. I remember clearly the conversation I had with my 4 year old niece, Joy, about 20 minutes before I departed.
James: Joy, will you miss uncle when I go back to Australia?
Joy: Where is Australia?
James: It's south of Singapore and I have to sit on an aeroplane for about 8 hours to get to Australia (while making signs and symbols with my flapping arms).
Joy: So, you're taking the helicopter?
James: No, I can't take the helicopter. I have to take the aeroplane.
Joy: Oh, the aeroplane ...
James: Do you come with uncle sometime to Australia?
Joy: (deep thoughts) Where is Australia?
I wonder if they get the concept of leaving? Are they too young? Will they miss me? Will they remember the days that we spent together playing? Mum says that they do because they never asked her where I went unlike previous episodes with others. I hugged everyone outside the departure gate and rushed through it because I know that if I don't, tears will follow. I guess I'm not growing into a fan of airport farewells. I pass through the first line of officers, look back, wave and hold back the tears. As I walk towards the shops and pause for a final farewell, I am already crying ... but they can't see clearly, and soon it all becomes a blur. I wipe my tears hurriedly and walk away with the intentions to walk back and steal a last glance of their backs, but I was too late. They had already left ...
Life carries on for us but the overload of work has not allowed me the luxury of missing them. I am now really conscious of what stress can take away from us ... the wonders of feeling, loving, missing and thinking. I am writing this because I want to engulf myself in these warm waves, to feel my body and hear the trembles of every muscle. I also want to thank everyone who made my holiday back in Singapore such a warm and wonderful one and I want to return your love and support should any of you find your way down under.
It is only with this determination and awareness that I will not forget the holiday feeling, stay positive, not succumb to life, but take control. I want to live!
在繁忙的日常生活里容易忘记自我，
脑子里充满的只是忙，盲， 忙。
身体感到的只是累， 累， 累。
忘了生命中重要的东西。
忘了什么是思念，什么是爱。
但是只要有此知觉，
就是踏上真实人生的第一步。
Thursday, July 06, 2006
The Return
Like a beautiful yet tragic dream I once had about my beloved grandmother, in my heart I know that time is limited. In the dream which seemed all too real, she was genuine. She didn't speak much or even at all, but her presence was there. I could feel it all too real and so when it was time to bade farewell for some of my relatives, I screamed and cried "No ...", because deep in my heart, I knew that that would also signal the end.
I am counting the days I am here, the minutes, the seconds. My reliable watch that has served me so dutifully seemed to understand my intentions and on many occasions slowed time down to almost a halt. I watched the second hand move indecisively, so if to say that it empathised with me.
I am happy. Delighted that I am making full use of my time in Singapore. As I had predicted, it was ripe time for a return. I had missed them and as I live my life in a parallel universe, they had grown and moved on. But it's like we would now stop and then converge into a single path for a short time, and enjoy the happiness that it brings.
I have made no doubt my love for children, during the weekend before I arrived where I spent time with a beautiful set of twins and, now to my wonderful darlings. I have also discussed the possibility of me having children, and I am not having second thoughts, but I salute every loving and responsible parent in the world, and mostly my parents. It is a full time job and even though there is plenty of joy, it's a never-ending task. What I do believe though is that it helps cultivate and bring out the best in people, loving beyond the point of no return, selflessly.
I have allowed myself to live in their world, which is not a difficult task for people who know me, because they say I'm a dreamer, so I fit well. I am surprised by their rapid embrace, because they do not accomodate well to strangers, but neither am I a constant presence in their lives. Maybe through their innocent eyes, they can see the child in me reaching out to them as well.
I am lucky to have reacquainted with many friends, and mostly a old friend yesterday who I am honoured to share mine and his life experiences with. It was a little awkward after 10 years since our last meeting, because physically we have both changed, but I still see images of my old friend in there. Maybe that is how I will always see him and no matter what happens, my love and support for him will remain unchanged that way, because of the person he is.
The lesson that I learnt yesterday are the blinds that we use to view people. Colour lenses that stereotype. If I can remove these for my friend, then I can do it to my other prejudices as well. If I can do it, then I am sure everyone is capable of that as well. Dare I dream of such a paradise? We all have a part to play and it has to start with me.
Yesterday's encounter has also allowed me to see myself more clearly. The love and support that I am capable of giving. I will look into pouring more of that into my future career and life and see if that is indeed my true calling.
Lastly, during this trip, I am seeing more clearly the importance of relationships. Not only those with our partners in love, business or friendship, but also more importantly our family, one that we sometimes forsake more readily than others. Maybe it is the love that causes more conflicts. If there wasn't love, then maybe it would all be a sea of luxurious cream. Our time is limited, but relationships sproud, grow and die within the space of our time. If success and achievements can be measured by the love and strength of relationships, then where would I stand and would this world be a better place to be ...
在人生的道路上，人与人之间的感情是否只限于昙花一现。
如果一生的成就是以真情衡量，那今天的世界是否也会更完美。
I am counting the days I am here, the minutes, the seconds. My reliable watch that has served me so dutifully seemed to understand my intentions and on many occasions slowed time down to almost a halt. I watched the second hand move indecisively, so if to say that it empathised with me.
I am happy. Delighted that I am making full use of my time in Singapore. As I had predicted, it was ripe time for a return. I had missed them and as I live my life in a parallel universe, they had grown and moved on. But it's like we would now stop and then converge into a single path for a short time, and enjoy the happiness that it brings.
I have made no doubt my love for children, during the weekend before I arrived where I spent time with a beautiful set of twins and, now to my wonderful darlings. I have also discussed the possibility of me having children, and I am not having second thoughts, but I salute every loving and responsible parent in the world, and mostly my parents. It is a full time job and even though there is plenty of joy, it's a never-ending task. What I do believe though is that it helps cultivate and bring out the best in people, loving beyond the point of no return, selflessly.
I have allowed myself to live in their world, which is not a difficult task for people who know me, because they say I'm a dreamer, so I fit well. I am surprised by their rapid embrace, because they do not accomodate well to strangers, but neither am I a constant presence in their lives. Maybe through their innocent eyes, they can see the child in me reaching out to them as well.
I am lucky to have reacquainted with many friends, and mostly a old friend yesterday who I am honoured to share mine and his life experiences with. It was a little awkward after 10 years since our last meeting, because physically we have both changed, but I still see images of my old friend in there. Maybe that is how I will always see him and no matter what happens, my love and support for him will remain unchanged that way, because of the person he is.
The lesson that I learnt yesterday are the blinds that we use to view people. Colour lenses that stereotype. If I can remove these for my friend, then I can do it to my other prejudices as well. If I can do it, then I am sure everyone is capable of that as well. Dare I dream of such a paradise? We all have a part to play and it has to start with me.
Yesterday's encounter has also allowed me to see myself more clearly. The love and support that I am capable of giving. I will look into pouring more of that into my future career and life and see if that is indeed my true calling.
Lastly, during this trip, I am seeing more clearly the importance of relationships. Not only those with our partners in love, business or friendship, but also more importantly our family, one that we sometimes forsake more readily than others. Maybe it is the love that causes more conflicts. If there wasn't love, then maybe it would all be a sea of luxurious cream. Our time is limited, but relationships sproud, grow and die within the space of our time. If success and achievements can be measured by the love and strength of relationships, then where would I stand and would this world be a better place to be ...
在人生的道路上，人与人之间的感情是否只限于昙花一现。
如果一生的成就是以真情衡量，那今天的世界是否也会更完美。
Friday, June 30, 2006
明日 - Tomorrow -
This time tomorrow, I will be in sunny Singapore. Away from the cold winds of Sydney, definitely the chilliest Winter I had experienced in my past 8 years.
This time tomorrow, I will hopefully be embraced by my two little darlings, who have only been exposed to me through web-cams and brief telephone conversations over the past year.
This time tomorrow, I will definitely be back in my parents home, mine since 1984. All of us back under the same roof ...
Different though, is the times that have changed. I believe I will still rediscover shades of my teenage years in that apartment, just like I do every time I return. Remembering the times when we first moved in, and how we had progressed since. The colours, the furniture, the ambience, the changes ...
The memories as I leaf through my belongings in my desk drawers. They probably bear the fingerprints of my mother, who must have longed to throw them, but resisted because they are the exact reminders of my previous presence. A never dying hope that someday I will come back to this house.
I am 4 hours away from taking the flight and I am in full anticipation of the rigours before the joy. Yes, I despise the journey, the dislike for turbulence, which John soothed me by asking me to think of it as bumps on the road. I have eventually resorted to just plain praying for it to be over and the combination works.
This trip physcially seems no different from the others I have taken from the past, but I seem to walk with more courage this time, and yet more fear as well. There are revelations that might occur on this trip, not yet to my family, but maybe to some friends. New negotiations for our friendships, which I view as an open opportunity to deepen our relationship.
There is trepedation because renegotiations are tricky, but I can't always live a lie. There are rocky paths that need to be walked on before freedom of soul can occur. If they love and care for me as much as I do for them, then such a difference should not affect our friendship.
What stopped me in the past is their denial. One described it as painful and unbelievable because they wanted to imagine the love in my writings as someone they can associate themselves with ... a female. Another who calls me her best friend once described it as "worse than murder" even though she was counselling someone who is gay that she actually empathised with.
Besides that, is a friend who chanced upon my blog and another who I have not met for 10 years. and I wonder if we would pick up from where we left it last, or progress as deeper friends as honest revelations flow, like we had over the past months.
What I do know from this trip though is that I will be enjoying it. The fruits of my labour. My mother once said when I was a tyrant teenager that no one would befriend me if I kept it up. I don't remember if I was just seeking attention or rather discovering my sexuality and having to suppress it, that led to the angst, but her words crucified me. It changed me because I swore to prove her wrong, and even today, I am still very moved and surprised when my old friends take special time out to meet up when I am back. Maybe it is the utopian image of me in their minds that make change more difficult. I am after all, just a human being in need of love too.
Thank you my dear friends, whom I used to say define me as a person, but I would now say refine my life because I understand that it is ultimately up to me to be. Without you, my life would just be an empty canvas. As for my love, you are the strength that I have everyday, in constant encouragement for me to live my life to the fullest.
What tomorrow brings ... is a mystery to some, but for me, there is joy, and with this joy, brings the courage to face the challenges of tomorrow ...
回新在迹，感慨万分。往常的好友能接受今日的我吗？
如果没有诚实的真，就没有新的突破。
生命不求完美，求真实，才能过得有意义。
今天的我若选择快乐，那明日的我就会有更勇敢。
This time tomorrow, I will hopefully be embraced by my two little darlings, who have only been exposed to me through web-cams and brief telephone conversations over the past year.
This time tomorrow, I will definitely be back in my parents home, mine since 1984. All of us back under the same roof ...
Different though, is the times that have changed. I believe I will still rediscover shades of my teenage years in that apartment, just like I do every time I return. Remembering the times when we first moved in, and how we had progressed since. The colours, the furniture, the ambience, the changes ...
The memories as I leaf through my belongings in my desk drawers. They probably bear the fingerprints of my mother, who must have longed to throw them, but resisted because they are the exact reminders of my previous presence. A never dying hope that someday I will come back to this house.
I am 4 hours away from taking the flight and I am in full anticipation of the rigours before the joy. Yes, I despise the journey, the dislike for turbulence, which John soothed me by asking me to think of it as bumps on the road. I have eventually resorted to just plain praying for it to be over and the combination works.
This trip physcially seems no different from the others I have taken from the past, but I seem to walk with more courage this time, and yet more fear as well. There are revelations that might occur on this trip, not yet to my family, but maybe to some friends. New negotiations for our friendships, which I view as an open opportunity to deepen our relationship.
There is trepedation because renegotiations are tricky, but I can't always live a lie. There are rocky paths that need to be walked on before freedom of soul can occur. If they love and care for me as much as I do for them, then such a difference should not affect our friendship.
What stopped me in the past is their denial. One described it as painful and unbelievable because they wanted to imagine the love in my writings as someone they can associate themselves with ... a female. Another who calls me her best friend once described it as "worse than murder" even though she was counselling someone who is gay that she actually empathised with.
Besides that, is a friend who chanced upon my blog and another who I have not met for 10 years. and I wonder if we would pick up from where we left it last, or progress as deeper friends as honest revelations flow, like we had over the past months.
What I do know from this trip though is that I will be enjoying it. The fruits of my labour. My mother once said when I was a tyrant teenager that no one would befriend me if I kept it up. I don't remember if I was just seeking attention or rather discovering my sexuality and having to suppress it, that led to the angst, but her words crucified me. It changed me because I swore to prove her wrong, and even today, I am still very moved and surprised when my old friends take special time out to meet up when I am back. Maybe it is the utopian image of me in their minds that make change more difficult. I am after all, just a human being in need of love too.
Thank you my dear friends, whom I used to say define me as a person, but I would now say refine my life because I understand that it is ultimately up to me to be. Without you, my life would just be an empty canvas. As for my love, you are the strength that I have everyday, in constant encouragement for me to live my life to the fullest.
What tomorrow brings ... is a mystery to some, but for me, there is joy, and with this joy, brings the courage to face the challenges of tomorrow ...
回新在迹，感慨万分。往常的好友能接受今日的我吗？
如果没有诚实的真，就没有新的突破。
生命不求完美，求真实，才能过得有意义。
今天的我若选择快乐，那明日的我就会有更勇敢。
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Shock Of Honesty
Honesty is shocking, which is why it is much easier to lie. I am not rehashing my previous argument on honesty vs kindness, because I have now come to realise that it also takes maturity to practise kindness as well.
We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.
I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.
I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.
My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.
In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.
I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.
Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.
For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.
What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.
Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.
I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.
We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.
I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.
I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.
My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.
In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.
I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.
Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.
For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.
What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.
Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.
I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.
So, to my friend and perhaps in some degree, myself, we need to congratulate ourselves for not choosing the easy path. It would have been a hollow victory if we had chosen to lie and lived on as we used to. To demand that we indulge in the discomfort helps us break new ground in all areas of our lives.
I had promised myself that when I started this blog that I wanted it to be different, something that I am proud to call mine. In baring my feelings, I am daring myself and writing about what I know. A writer can only be original with the material he know best, and my feelings are my sole property. Hence, if there are people who want to think that it is dangerous or that I have to share this here because I have no friends that I can discuss this with, then I think that it is quite sad. It is the act of sharing that brings joy, not only to others who might be experiencing from similar contradictions and might feel lost and lonely, but ultimately to myself. The gift of love and honesty ...
Thursday, June 08, 2006
回家 - Coming Home
Even though things have not been working out the way I would like them to, it has offered me a chance to pack my bags home for a short holiday between the 1st and 19th July. Watching a colleague talk about his upcoming trip to Hong Kong for two years brought me back to Feb 1998, when I was about to embark on this trip to Australia.
Many people ask me how excited I was or how long I took to plan the trip, but seriously, it all happened in a blur. Singapore had progressed to a state where one could no longer move ahead in society if you didn't have a degree, and since there were only 3 universities and very limited places, it became a norm for many people to seek education overseas.
I was the last amongst all my friends to venture overseas and I remember applying for the universities and then not thinking too much about it. It was highly because my beloved grandmother was very sick at that time, which offered me no time to think about other things, and all I do remember is her saying that "I still want to live to see you get married ..." when I told her I was going to Australia.
Those words still ring in my ears today and even though it wouldn't have been another enactment of the movie, "Wedding Banquet", she died a few months later, leaving me much grieved. Thinking back, I guess it was her departure that paved the way for my emancipation. I deeply believe that I wouldn't have chosen this path if she had still been alive.
Even though I no longer regard Singapore as my home, it is still a resting place for me. A place where my loves will always be and I always look forward to going back. Friends might say why don't you go somewhere else instead of "wasting" money to fly back to Singapore every year, but family will never be a waste, of time and money.
Many of my friends also take my coming home as an opportunity for their yearly gathering, a formal excuse to put down their busies, and come together for a couple of hours. For that, I am truly grateful and honoured for their dedication and friendship.
I am lucky and I know it. To be surrounded by such love ... I am indeed blessed. Coming home to love ...
Many people ask me how excited I was or how long I took to plan the trip, but seriously, it all happened in a blur. Singapore had progressed to a state where one could no longer move ahead in society if you didn't have a degree, and since there were only 3 universities and very limited places, it became a norm for many people to seek education overseas.
I was the last amongst all my friends to venture overseas and I remember applying for the universities and then not thinking too much about it. It was highly because my beloved grandmother was very sick at that time, which offered me no time to think about other things, and all I do remember is her saying that "I still want to live to see you get married ..." when I told her I was going to Australia.
Those words still ring in my ears today and even though it wouldn't have been another enactment of the movie, "Wedding Banquet", she died a few months later, leaving me much grieved. Thinking back, I guess it was her departure that paved the way for my emancipation. I deeply believe that I wouldn't have chosen this path if she had still been alive.
Even though I no longer regard Singapore as my home, it is still a resting place for me. A place where my loves will always be and I always look forward to going back. Friends might say why don't you go somewhere else instead of "wasting" money to fly back to Singapore every year, but family will never be a waste, of time and money.
Many of my friends also take my coming home as an opportunity for their yearly gathering, a formal excuse to put down their busies, and come together for a couple of hours. For that, I am truly grateful and honoured for their dedication and friendship.
I am lucky and I know it. To be surrounded by such love ... I am indeed blessed. Coming home to love ...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
爱的代价 - The Price Of Love -
I had waited for almost 13 years to watch this film. Strongly recommended by one of my best friends in 1994, it was an art house flick I bought about a year ago and I don't understand why took me this long to finally play it. The movie is "Centrestage" or known as "The Actress" in some other parts of the world.
Starring Hong Kong's most successful and recently voted as the last Century's best Chinese actress, Maggie Cheung, this role marked the beginning of a luminous career for her. She is my undoubtedly my favourite actress who started off her career winning 1st runner up position in the 1983 Miss Hong Kong Pageant, and then going on to be a semi-finalist (the first Chinese) in the Miss World contest that year. I remember clearly when she was voted Miss Photogenic and was the (my) hot favourite for the crown, only to be pipped by the winner, who is now a virtual unknown. Starring in mainly bimbo roles after her successful Miss World stint, she was finally offered more serious roles in 1988, where out of nowhere, she walked away with her first Best Actress win at the Taiwan Golden Horse Awards -金馬獎 - (Chinese equivalent of Oscars) for her performance as one of the 3 women in the movie "Full Moon In New York" 《三個女人的故事/人在紐約》.
Proving that the success was not a fluke, she went on to grab the Best Supporting Actress the next year at the same awards for "Red Dust" 《滾滾紅塵》. "Centrestage/The Actress" was her real turning point, proving once and for all, that underneath the porcelain beauty was a real actress. She not only grabbed all the Best Actress awards at all Chinese award ceremonies, but also proceeded to win Best Actress at the Berlin Film Festival, a first timer for an Asian actress. An intelligent person, she decided to walk away from showbiz for further studies, only returning in 1996 in full triumph, winning accolades and repeating her award winning style with another one of my favourite movies "Comrades, Only a Love Story"《甜蜜蜜》, which has been described as the Chinese "The Way We Were". There was a notable maturity in her performance as she progressed as an actress and was described by the judges who voted for her, as superlative in every form, a performance that is so fulfilled that it is difficult to name another actor who had such prowess. "Comrades, Almost a Love Story"《甜蜜蜜》was also voted by US Time Magazine as one of their Top 10 Best Films of 1997.
After her marriage to a French director, Oliver Assayas, who she starred in his "Irma Vep", she came back to make make another Chinese film by famed director and friend, Wong Kar Wai (王家衛), in what many people might call her best performance yet, as the repressed lover in "In the Mood For Love" 《花樣年華》with another great Chinese Actor Tony Leung (梁朝偉). This incredibly sexy movie about love and repression set hearts soaring with their love and fans guessing if their chemistry on screen was indeed real off screen as well. Tony won the Best Actor award at Cannes and Maggie grabbed the Golden Horse Best Actress award that year, making her the most honoured actress in its history with 5 wins. Unfortunately, since it was pipped against "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", who was Taiwan/HK's entry in the Oscars, "In the Mood For Love"《花樣年華》 was not eligible for a Best Foreign Oscar nomination, but won pundits from critics worldwide. They both won at the Hong Kong Film Awards, where they are both the most honoured actors in its history as well.
Maggie scored another first last year when she became the first Chinese actress again to win Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival for "Clean". Unfortunately, she also announced that she will never star in another Wong Kar Wai movie because the last movie "2046" took 5 years to make, and most of Maggie's scenes were cut to a bare minimum. Maggie doesn't seem to have any new projects to look forward to, and I got a little distracted here, so I will return back to my review
"Centrestage/The Actress" is a biographical account of a silent movie actress Ruan Ling Yu of the late 20s and early 30s. Like Maggie, she started out playing bimbo roles but the directors recognised that she had more to offer and she started proving her worth after a few breakthroughs. Despite her fame, she was apparently down to earth and worked hard, not only to support her mother but also a child that she took under her as her own. The central theme of the movie was love because that was Ruan's biggest vice ... her vulnerability at falling in love and giving her all. The movie starts off with the director asking Maggie if she would like to be remembered decades or centuries later as a significant actress and if she desired to be a legend like Ruan, who she is playing. Maggie says No, and she can never compete with Ruan because Ruan is already a legend, since she ended her life at the young age of 25.
The movie moves along with snippets of the real Ruan, some photo stills, some real silent movie clips, returning to scenes of Maggie playing Ruan. Under a less accomplished director, the novel idea would have fallen on its face. However, these vignettes do not detract from the story, but adds on an artistic flavour to the movie, enabling the viewer to become more involved in the story telling. Maggie does not look anything like Ruan, but like Ruan, they are talented actresses. With Maggie's skill, she does not imitate or create a caricature of Ruan but recreates the mood and the feel of the actress. There is a scene where we see Maggie re-enacting a Ruan scene and it clearly shows a slight contrast in acting styles for silent and spoken movies. In silent, one has to be a lot more exaggerated, but Ruan uses her eyes to act. Maggie uses more of her chameleon face to under-act, so that she matches Ruan's power. It is fascinating to watch and it is easy to be entranced by both actresses. This is the magic of both ladies.
After gaining fame, Ruan does not rest on her laurels but strives to take on more challenging roles to expand her repertoire. Refused to be typecast, she fights to star in controversial roles about womens' movements/revolutions in the 30s when most directors would consider her too pretty to play in such roles. With such breakthroughs, she became the definitive modern woman and she was not afraid to take risks, in movies at least. However, in life, she sought to play the little woman. She desired love, and after she befriended a rich and influential man, paid monthly alimony fees to her ex-lover, who just wouldn't let go. After she starred in her last movie "Modern Women", who criticized the media's negative publicity leading to the death of a film star, the media turned their backs on her, and reported all her dalliances, with the help of her ex-lover. Thus began a tussle between the two men in her life, but unfortunately, these two men in her life fought, not for her, but more for themselves and their dignity, or lack of.
Ruan eventually takes her own life out of despair. There is a scene I love when her rich lover says that they will dress gloriously to the court so that they will be seen as high class adulterers, but Ruan, who was at the end of her life, retorted that regardless of their clothing, their actions spoke for themselves. That was the strongest move spurred on by despair. It is interesting to note that at the final scenes of the movie, Ruan (Maggie) seems to be repeating similar verses of her last letters to her lover, and it was only after the movie and some research that I realised that two such letters popped up in the media after her death, and till today remains a mystery if Ruan really did write them. The final words of Ruan was "Beware of Criticisms" ... So, was it life imitating art or the other way round again?A good movie is one that inspires the viewer to do more than just sit there. It entices involvement and interest after the movie, and "Centrestage/The Actress" is one of those gems. Love ... ultimately destroyed Ruan but does it mean that we just have to hold back and not give our all, for fear of being hurt? I was moved by the movie and since I am one that places love at the center of my life, wonder if this was a recipe for disaster? Suicide is ultimately, a selfish act, but I can totally empathise with Ruan. A reporter said that if Ruan knew 20,000 people wept at her funeral, would she have done such a "silly thing"?
Life is fragile but yet love is whole, which is why we seek for it. I have learned through time and experience that you have to give before you will receive, and that we can only give fully when we love ourselves enough. To be independent and yet interdependent. That is my important advice for anyone who wants to get into relationships and remember to love yourself in the process as well. The final lesson we can learn here is to think twice before speaking ill, because we can never know when it might turn into a matter of life and death.
在这哈韩的时代里，我希望能够掀起一股回顾风潮。回亿一些被遗忘了的好电影,好时光。最近，在新同事的交谈中，发现了自己已许久没有看华语电影了。心血來潮,一口气连接看了几部华片，也在网上购买一些陳年旧片。我已张大，再回味儿这些电影时，会否有不同感觉？感触会不会加深 。。。
记得深交在１９９３年极力推选，不知为何在前天才初次品味。看（阮玲玉）这部电影 。。。我感动了。。。四字遗书“人言可畏”让我深觉人是脆弱的。要在有爱的环境与哉培下，才能培养起奋斗精神。要在众人的歧视下站起来，是需要很大的力量。
虽然不熟悉阮玲玉的故事或电影，可是好电影就会加深对自己的要求，让我对阮玲玉的一生多加兴趣。在几个真实镜头中，惊叹她传神的演技，现实与剧中的她是多么的不同。勇敢作新尝试的她最后在生命中却选择了人生的句号。是恶语或爱情毁了她？把爱集为中心的人最终还是会走上悲剧的道路吗？
认识我的朋友都知道爱是我人生的中心。不喜欢吵架与分离，不否认曾有自杀念头，可是深知是自私的行为。对我来说，选择离开人生，就是放弃爱。爱人与爱己。爱人可以不要依赖，可以自由地爱。只要开始爱自己,才能把自己内心的爱全奉献出来。因为有保障，就不会那么害怕。
张曼玉是自己非常喜爱的演员。演阮玲玉这角色让她大放异彩，实至名归。不知道如果由第一选择梅艳芳来演，会有什么不同效果。很喜欢导演穿插一些阮玲玉与张曼玉真实镜头，加深了电影的艺术价值，是部不容错过的好电影。听说这电影在上映后被剪接，澳州是唯一有原片的国家，很有兴趣知道错过些什么镜头。
影片最后似乎有重复朗读遗书的镜头，后来上网才发现了有两本遗书的出现， 是否真由阮玲玉本人亲笔至今还是个谜。无论，璀璨人生如此短暂，始终是种遗憾。。。
我的根源 - My Roots -
John likes to say that I must have been born a Japanese in my past life. My fascination, friends, idols, loves, desires ... mostly lie in the Land of the Rising Sun. It is not surprising also to read my various posts and deduce my dedication to their pop culture as well.
However, I am Chinese, though many have commented that I do not look like one, which I am not, because my maternal grandmother was a Peranakan (i.e. she has a Chinese father and a mother with Malay blood in her). I have often been mistaken as a Malay in Singapore, especially after my national service, when to the chagrin of my Malay colleagues on my first week at work, found me devouring Chinese food at the canteen (Malays can only consume Halal food - which has been prayed to and specially prepared). They soon figured out, to their utmost surprise, that I am Chinese. Here in Australia, I have also been mistaken as a Vietnamese (most common), Thai (by a middle aged female stranger who came up on the bus to tell me that I am a very handsome Thai) or Filipino. Seldom do I get the "touchdown" that I am a Singaporean Chinese. I should consider myself lucky because I have been blessed, hopefully, with the best of both cultures, but more so because my sister and cousins have been mistaken as Filipino maids in the past when they went down to the provision stores, which made them rather upset.
It may be because nationalism is not naturally strong in Singapore, where we preach and practise multiculturalism, and live harmoniously with each other, that sometimes, we seek outside for the real identity within ourselves. As an impressionable young, I was very quickly influenced by the likes of Japanese music and its pop culture, but at the same time, rooted in me, were my Chinese superstitions, beliefs and values. Though there were times when I yearned to be Japanese, I knew that it was only when I am comfortable in my own skin that I can be truly proud of myself.
My friend, Leslie Kee, is one great inspiration. I was shocked to hear in an interview once that his desire was to promote Asian culture to the forefront of fashion and beauty in the photographic world. In this sometimes myopic world where beauty is defined in Western terms, it is not easy for Asians to have high self images of themselves in the beauty stakes. It may be due to the Western education that I received and books I read that help form this opinion, but I think international beauty pageants in the past seemed to only confirm this "fact".
I was in awe and I did set out to be more aware of my culture and who I am. I know that I have not talked much about Chinese culture or even Chinese pop culture, but it may be because I don't have many friends in the past that I had much opportunity to speak the language with. In my attempts to acculturize myself here in Australia, I started out by throwing myself into the deep end. I refused to join any social clubs in Sydney or at University that would mainly cater to the Asian culture. I desperately wanted to experience this new world, to explore what it was to be like an Aussie. I made some friends after quite a long time, though I found that it was only with my fellow international students that I truly clicked. Somehow, it was difficult to break into the networks that had been built over the years.
It was tedious and frightful ... to throw away one's comfortable life with many friends into this new surrounding and having to start making friends all over again. I am now reaping the fruits of labour but a few thoughts crept into my mind recently in my insecure moments that I still seemed to lack a true network of very close friends that would call me if they ran into any troubles, or just for an idle chat. Thankfully, a few phone calls that week helped to reaffirm my earlier beliefs that I do have my own family here in Australia now. Still, I seem to find few avenues to explore the Chinese in me.
It seemed strange that it would take a new colleague from China that made me realise my Chinese roots. She is a delightful person to work with, and she laughs often when she recalls the first day I gave up training her in English because she was having difficulty understanding me. Since I hadn't spoken Mandarin for long periods, I found it a bit of a struggle, but then again, one does not have to translate many work procedures into Mandarin everyday. I spoke haltingly and had to apologize many times for my poor Mandarin. She smiled and said that I should revert back to English and only try to explain in Mandarin to elaborate a process she did not understand.
Since then, which has been about 2 months, she remarked recently that my Mandarin has improved leaps and bounds. I debated that it was because I was more comfortable and that it was easier to talk idly in the language, which she agreed. Unfortunately, her English hasn't been given as rigorous an exercise as I have been. It is a also delight to discover the differences in our cultures and the similarities, even though we are both Chinese. To clarify various myths, especially the one child policy in China and that it is mostly untrue that most Chinese will find ways to kill their firstborn if she turns out to be a girl. Well, Sophia is the best example because she is the only daughter. With her, I was able to discuss and rediscover my love for Chinese culture. I will still cringe at the bad "obiang" (old fashioned) costumes and the noisy lion dances, but I am remembering the really old Chinese movies that I watched with my mother, my day trip with my paternal grandmother where she brought me to watch two Chinese romantic movies, because I liked them. It all seemed like such a dream but they were so warm and so real, and I was transported, back in time, to that boy of about 7, who was really happy.
Our discussions and quizzes have prompted me to want to introduce more Chinese pop culture into my blog, take trips down nostalgia and explore the dormant part of myself. To be inquisitive and to introduce good Chinese movies that are worth watching, so that others will know that there is more than just the "pugilistic kung fu" movies that I am just so not interested in. I am interested in human relations and the way of life. How events help shape the way Chinese people are, and how Western influences can have on the Chinese culture. It all comes to a full circle with many Chinese traditions and superstitions finding their niche in Western everyday lives as well. Hopefully, through the discussion of these movies, music and experiences, I will be able to introduce our rich Chinese culture, further define my internationality and ultimately, rediscover my roots ... that I am indeed proud to be a Chinese.
However, I am Chinese, though many have commented that I do not look like one, which I am not, because my maternal grandmother was a Peranakan (i.e. she has a Chinese father and a mother with Malay blood in her). I have often been mistaken as a Malay in Singapore, especially after my national service, when to the chagrin of my Malay colleagues on my first week at work, found me devouring Chinese food at the canteen (Malays can only consume Halal food - which has been prayed to and specially prepared). They soon figured out, to their utmost surprise, that I am Chinese. Here in Australia, I have also been mistaken as a Vietnamese (most common), Thai (by a middle aged female stranger who came up on the bus to tell me that I am a very handsome Thai) or Filipino. Seldom do I get the "touchdown" that I am a Singaporean Chinese. I should consider myself lucky because I have been blessed, hopefully, with the best of both cultures, but more so because my sister and cousins have been mistaken as Filipino maids in the past when they went down to the provision stores, which made them rather upset.
It may be because nationalism is not naturally strong in Singapore, where we preach and practise multiculturalism, and live harmoniously with each other, that sometimes, we seek outside for the real identity within ourselves. As an impressionable young, I was very quickly influenced by the likes of Japanese music and its pop culture, but at the same time, rooted in me, were my Chinese superstitions, beliefs and values. Though there were times when I yearned to be Japanese, I knew that it was only when I am comfortable in my own skin that I can be truly proud of myself.
My friend, Leslie Kee, is one great inspiration. I was shocked to hear in an interview once that his desire was to promote Asian culture to the forefront of fashion and beauty in the photographic world. In this sometimes myopic world where beauty is defined in Western terms, it is not easy for Asians to have high self images of themselves in the beauty stakes. It may be due to the Western education that I received and books I read that help form this opinion, but I think international beauty pageants in the past seemed to only confirm this "fact".
I was in awe and I did set out to be more aware of my culture and who I am. I know that I have not talked much about Chinese culture or even Chinese pop culture, but it may be because I don't have many friends in the past that I had much opportunity to speak the language with. In my attempts to acculturize myself here in Australia, I started out by throwing myself into the deep end. I refused to join any social clubs in Sydney or at University that would mainly cater to the Asian culture. I desperately wanted to experience this new world, to explore what it was to be like an Aussie. I made some friends after quite a long time, though I found that it was only with my fellow international students that I truly clicked. Somehow, it was difficult to break into the networks that had been built over the years.
It was tedious and frightful ... to throw away one's comfortable life with many friends into this new surrounding and having to start making friends all over again. I am now reaping the fruits of labour but a few thoughts crept into my mind recently in my insecure moments that I still seemed to lack a true network of very close friends that would call me if they ran into any troubles, or just for an idle chat. Thankfully, a few phone calls that week helped to reaffirm my earlier beliefs that I do have my own family here in Australia now. Still, I seem to find few avenues to explore the Chinese in me.
It seemed strange that it would take a new colleague from China that made me realise my Chinese roots. She is a delightful person to work with, and she laughs often when she recalls the first day I gave up training her in English because she was having difficulty understanding me. Since I hadn't spoken Mandarin for long periods, I found it a bit of a struggle, but then again, one does not have to translate many work procedures into Mandarin everyday. I spoke haltingly and had to apologize many times for my poor Mandarin. She smiled and said that I should revert back to English and only try to explain in Mandarin to elaborate a process she did not understand.
Since then, which has been about 2 months, she remarked recently that my Mandarin has improved leaps and bounds. I debated that it was because I was more comfortable and that it was easier to talk idly in the language, which she agreed. Unfortunately, her English hasn't been given as rigorous an exercise as I have been. It is a also delight to discover the differences in our cultures and the similarities, even though we are both Chinese. To clarify various myths, especially the one child policy in China and that it is mostly untrue that most Chinese will find ways to kill their firstborn if she turns out to be a girl. Well, Sophia is the best example because she is the only daughter. With her, I was able to discuss and rediscover my love for Chinese culture. I will still cringe at the bad "obiang" (old fashioned) costumes and the noisy lion dances, but I am remembering the really old Chinese movies that I watched with my mother, my day trip with my paternal grandmother where she brought me to watch two Chinese romantic movies, because I liked them. It all seemed like such a dream but they were so warm and so real, and I was transported, back in time, to that boy of about 7, who was really happy.
Our discussions and quizzes have prompted me to want to introduce more Chinese pop culture into my blog, take trips down nostalgia and explore the dormant part of myself. To be inquisitive and to introduce good Chinese movies that are worth watching, so that others will know that there is more than just the "pugilistic kung fu" movies that I am just so not interested in. I am interested in human relations and the way of life. How events help shape the way Chinese people are, and how Western influences can have on the Chinese culture. It all comes to a full circle with many Chinese traditions and superstitions finding their niche in Western everyday lives as well. Hopefully, through the discussion of these movies, music and experiences, I will be able to introduce our rich Chinese culture, further define my internationality and ultimately, rediscover my roots ... that I am indeed proud to be a Chinese.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
世上只有妈妈好
这是妈妈非常喜欢的歌曲。
在母亲节献上这份尊敬的祝福，
是发自内心最深处的爱。
没有母亲温馨与耐心的爱护，
就不会有今天的我。
虽然不能常在您身边，
对您的爱只有增无减，
在一起的时间更珍惜。
感谢母亲养育之恩与宽容，
我会用爱与行动来证实。
最后再说声“我爱您”，
幸福的日子我深深感受到。
It's Mother's Day today and I would like to wish every woman a very Happy Mother's Day. I know of many women in my life who constantly exhibit caring and motherly qualities, and just because they have not beared any child, should not be deprived of a celebration of their ability to love like a mother. Two such people are my Aunt Constance and my dear friend, Anne, and I thank you both for being in my life, and continuously teaching me about love.
I would also like to specifically thank my mother for just being there. Even though there were many times during my teenage years where many misunderstandings took place, I always knew you did it out of love. Though we live currently in separate countries, I understand your deep yearning for me to be nearer. However, it is also your love and generosity in allowing me to live my own life that I am extremely thankful for, and in return allows me to love you even more.
I miss you too and think of you often, but I want you to know that I do not take you or time for granted. I have learnt too many lessons about love and loss, to know that nothing is permanent. So, I want to say "I love you very much" on this very day, and that I am very lucky and very happy, because I have a wonderful mother who loves me very much.
在母亲节献上这份尊敬的祝福，
是发自内心最深处的爱。
没有母亲温馨与耐心的爱护，
就不会有今天的我。
虽然不能常在您身边，
对您的爱只有增无减，
在一起的时间更珍惜。
感谢母亲养育之恩与宽容，
我会用爱与行动来证实。
最后再说声“我爱您”，
幸福的日子我深深感受到。
It's Mother's Day today and I would like to wish every woman a very Happy Mother's Day. I know of many women in my life who constantly exhibit caring and motherly qualities, and just because they have not beared any child, should not be deprived of a celebration of their ability to love like a mother. Two such people are my Aunt Constance and my dear friend, Anne, and I thank you both for being in my life, and continuously teaching me about love.
I would also like to specifically thank my mother for just being there. Even though there were many times during my teenage years where many misunderstandings took place, I always knew you did it out of love. Though we live currently in separate countries, I understand your deep yearning for me to be nearer. However, it is also your love and generosity in allowing me to live my own life that I am extremely thankful for, and in return allows me to love you even more.
I miss you too and think of you often, but I want you to know that I do not take you or time for granted. I have learnt too many lessons about love and loss, to know that nothing is permanent. So, I want to say "I love you very much" on this very day, and that I am very lucky and very happy, because I have a wonderful mother who loves me very much.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Do We Care Too Much?
I was just making a comment on my friend, Jack's Blog entry: Pics that made me realise how our lives are so often influenced by the opinions of others. I am not criticising comments or criticisms but how much is too much?
Growing up, I believed that I was not only fat but unattractive, lazy and stupid. It was my mother's way of humbling us into working harder, but her comments to her friends stuck like super glue and helped mould me into the person I was. Though to be honest, she would have been happier with me being "fatter" than I was but my self image was so poor that I saw any excess fat as being obese. I felt small, unloved and unwanted. In my mind where I struggled to accept myself, my grandmother was my only solace.
Many other incidents along the way, for example, not being popular or one of the "accepted clans" in school helped reaffirm this warped perception in my mind. Thankfully, things changed but it wasn't until I went through some self developments courses that made me realise what effects these words had on me. People can say that "words can't hurt" but they do. Everytime I hear someone making "innocent" comments like "He/She's so ugly or so fat.", I feel like turning around and telling them off. Sometimes, it's not something that they have any control over and I am sure you have your own skeletons as well.
Growing up with such a "warped mind" helped me develop empathy. I felt for every single person who did not feel and look "perfect". I reached out for people who would be ostracised in a group. That was probably one of the few good things that came out of it, and the other was not to use hurtful words on physical appearances. The true ugliness is not in appearance, but in character and human behaviour.
I realise how words can shape and influence the person we are and the heroes in our mind/heart. So, I believe after the exercise, in self expression. Many people have wondered how I can bare all my feelings like that and not get hurt. I think I only hurt when I can't express, and the only avenue is left to bottle it up. Writing gives me the avenue to think and vent, and the best thing is that by sharing, someone else can feel less lonely because they can then understand and know that they are not alone, and whatever they are feeling ... is perhaps ... "normal". Is there such a thing as "normal"? Politically correctedness aside, I think I prefer the word "common". What if what is common is abnormal? What do we do then?
So, I strive to be as honest and as fully self expressed as I can. I still have reservations sometimes and I do know that I am putting myself and my life up for scrutiny. People can comment or criticise but they are sometimes no harsher than the beatings I give myself. I seek to encourage, not only myself but others to put aside their fears and explore ... fly and be whoever they want to be ... because it is only when we do so that we feel free and powerful.
If our friends really do love and care for us, then they will come along with us and like I said on my comments, I know that the true ones will be there to catch me, if I fall ...
Growing up, I believed that I was not only fat but unattractive, lazy and stupid. It was my mother's way of humbling us into working harder, but her comments to her friends stuck like super glue and helped mould me into the person I was. Though to be honest, she would have been happier with me being "fatter" than I was but my self image was so poor that I saw any excess fat as being obese. I felt small, unloved and unwanted. In my mind where I struggled to accept myself, my grandmother was my only solace.
Many other incidents along the way, for example, not being popular or one of the "accepted clans" in school helped reaffirm this warped perception in my mind. Thankfully, things changed but it wasn't until I went through some self developments courses that made me realise what effects these words had on me. People can say that "words can't hurt" but they do. Everytime I hear someone making "innocent" comments like "He/She's so ugly or so fat.", I feel like turning around and telling them off. Sometimes, it's not something that they have any control over and I am sure you have your own skeletons as well.
Growing up with such a "warped mind" helped me develop empathy. I felt for every single person who did not feel and look "perfect". I reached out for people who would be ostracised in a group. That was probably one of the few good things that came out of it, and the other was not to use hurtful words on physical appearances. The true ugliness is not in appearance, but in character and human behaviour.
I realise how words can shape and influence the person we are and the heroes in our mind/heart. So, I believe after the exercise, in self expression. Many people have wondered how I can bare all my feelings like that and not get hurt. I think I only hurt when I can't express, and the only avenue is left to bottle it up. Writing gives me the avenue to think and vent, and the best thing is that by sharing, someone else can feel less lonely because they can then understand and know that they are not alone, and whatever they are feeling ... is perhaps ... "normal". Is there such a thing as "normal"? Politically correctedness aside, I think I prefer the word "common". What if what is common is abnormal? What do we do then?
So, I strive to be as honest and as fully self expressed as I can. I still have reservations sometimes and I do know that I am putting myself and my life up for scrutiny. People can comment or criticise but they are sometimes no harsher than the beatings I give myself. I seek to encourage, not only myself but others to put aside their fears and explore ... fly and be whoever they want to be ... because it is only when we do so that we feel free and powerful.
If our friends really do love and care for us, then they will come along with us and like I said on my comments, I know that the true ones will be there to catch me, if I fall ...
Monday, May 01, 2006
A Song For You
I remember the first time I heard this song. A group of us were seated around my lounge watching the "第53回紅白歌合戦" waiting for Akina's comeback performance that year in 2002, and suddenly, we found ourselves entranced by this beautiful voice and song. Dumbstruck by its beauty, we were all momentarily speechless. It gave us goosebumps as we listened to it for the first time.
An Okinawa inspired melody, this song launched the singer 夏川りみ's career to new heights. Since I don't really understand Japanese too much, I don't really pay much attention to the lyrics. However, I chanced upon this performance of hers last year with Chinese subtitles that made me realise why it has become one of the most popular songs in the past few years, making 夏川りみ the first singer in its 56 years to sing the same song 4 times at 紅白.
I did a translation myself using the Chinese wordings on the screen but found this beautiful translation on another website, so I am using it but have edited a little. It is a beautiful and touching song about love lost to death, and many people have experienced it in their lives, myself included. For those who have never lost someone before, please don't ever wait till it's too late to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. We need to be thankful for every breath we have and every day we live.
Like the famous Japanese song "秋桜" which speaks of love between a mother and child, this speaks of love between any two human beings and I want to dedicate this song to everyone who has ever lost someone dear, and especially to my web-friend, Jack from My Song For You, who moves me with his little vignettes of his love for his mother, who is no longer around. Like my beloved grandmother whom I lost 8 years ago, they live forever in our hearts ...
涙そうそう
作詞 森山 良子 (Moriyama Ryouko)
作曲 BEGIN
唄 夏川 りみ (Natsukawa Rimi)
古いアルバムめくり ありがとうってつぶやいた
いつもいつも胸の中 励ましてくれる人よ
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせてもおもかげ探して よみがえる日は 涙そうそう
一番星に祈る それが私のくせになり
夕暮れに見上げる空 心いっぱいあなた探す
悲しみにも 喜びにも 想うあの笑顔
あなたの場所から私が見えたら
きっといつか 会えると信じ 生きてゆく
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせても
さみしくて 恋しくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
会いたくて 会いたくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
Translation
I whisper "Thank You" as I leaf through this old photo album
The eternal inspiration within my heart
Should the memories of that smile,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
They return in the days I search for traces of you,
my eyes glisten with tears ...
Almost a habit now, I wish upon the very first star
Looking within the evening skies for you with all my heart
The memories of that smile I think of, in joy or sorrow
And if you can see me, from where you are
I'll have the courage to live on, believing that we'll meet again someday ...
And should the memories of that smile I think of,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
In loneliness and yearning - my feelings for you, my eyes glisten with tears ...
I miss you, if only we could meet - my feelings for you, eyes glistening with tears ...
original taken from waxin' lyrical (edited by Jamez)
An Okinawa inspired melody, this song launched the singer 夏川りみ's career to new heights. Since I don't really understand Japanese too much, I don't really pay much attention to the lyrics. However, I chanced upon this performance of hers last year with Chinese subtitles that made me realise why it has become one of the most popular songs in the past few years, making 夏川りみ the first singer in its 56 years to sing the same song 4 times at 紅白.
I did a translation myself using the Chinese wordings on the screen but found this beautiful translation on another website, so I am using it but have edited a little. It is a beautiful and touching song about love lost to death, and many people have experienced it in their lives, myself included. For those who have never lost someone before, please don't ever wait till it's too late to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. We need to be thankful for every breath we have and every day we live.
Like the famous Japanese song "秋桜" which speaks of love between a mother and child, this speaks of love between any two human beings and I want to dedicate this song to everyone who has ever lost someone dear, and especially to my web-friend, Jack from My Song For You, who moves me with his little vignettes of his love for his mother, who is no longer around. Like my beloved grandmother whom I lost 8 years ago, they live forever in our hearts ...
涙そうそう
作詞 森山 良子 (Moriyama Ryouko)
作曲 BEGIN
唄 夏川 りみ (Natsukawa Rimi)
古いアルバムめくり ありがとうってつぶやいた
いつもいつも胸の中 励ましてくれる人よ
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせてもおもかげ探して よみがえる日は 涙そうそう
一番星に祈る それが私のくせになり
夕暮れに見上げる空 心いっぱいあなた探す
悲しみにも 喜びにも 想うあの笑顔
あなたの場所から私が見えたら
きっといつか 会えると信じ 生きてゆく
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせても
さみしくて 恋しくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
会いたくて 会いたくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
Translation
I whisper "Thank You" as I leaf through this old photo album
The eternal inspiration within my heart
Should the memories of that smile,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
They return in the days I search for traces of you,
my eyes glisten with tears ...
Almost a habit now, I wish upon the very first star
Looking within the evening skies for you with all my heart
The memories of that smile I think of, in joy or sorrow
And if you can see me, from where you are
I'll have the courage to live on, believing that we'll meet again someday ...
And should the memories of that smile I think of,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
In loneliness and yearning - my feelings for you, my eyes glisten with tears ...
I miss you, if only we could meet - my feelings for you, eyes glistening with tears ...
original taken from waxin' lyrical (edited by Jamez)
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