This time tomorrow, I will be in sunny Singapore. Away from the cold winds of Sydney, definitely the chilliest Winter I had experienced in my past 8 years.
This time tomorrow, I will hopefully be embraced by my two little darlings, who have only been exposed to me through web-cams and brief telephone conversations over the past year.
This time tomorrow, I will definitely be back in my parents home, mine since 1984. All of us back under the same roof ...
Different though, is the times that have changed. I believe I will still rediscover shades of my teenage years in that apartment, just like I do every time I return. Remembering the times when we first moved in, and how we had progressed since. The colours, the furniture, the ambience, the changes ...
The memories as I leaf through my belongings in my desk drawers. They probably bear the fingerprints of my mother, who must have longed to throw them, but resisted because they are the exact reminders of my previous presence. A never dying hope that someday I will come back to this house.
I am 4 hours away from taking the flight and I am in full anticipation of the rigours before the joy. Yes, I despise the journey, the dislike for turbulence, which John soothed me by asking me to think of it as bumps on the road. I have eventually resorted to just plain praying for it to be over and the combination works.
This trip physcially seems no different from the others I have taken from the past, but I seem to walk with more courage this time, and yet more fear as well. There are revelations that might occur on this trip, not yet to my family, but maybe to some friends. New negotiations for our friendships, which I view as an open opportunity to deepen our relationship.
There is trepedation because renegotiations are tricky, but I can't always live a lie. There are rocky paths that need to be walked on before freedom of soul can occur. If they love and care for me as much as I do for them, then such a difference should not affect our friendship.
What stopped me in the past is their denial. One described it as painful and unbelievable because they wanted to imagine the love in my writings as someone they can associate themselves with ... a female. Another who calls me her best friend once described it as "worse than murder" even though she was counselling someone who is gay that she actually empathised with.
Besides that, is a friend who chanced upon my blog and another who I have not met for 10 years. and I wonder if we would pick up from where we left it last, or progress as deeper friends as honest revelations flow, like we had over the past months.
What I do know from this trip though is that I will be enjoying it. The fruits of my labour. My mother once said when I was a tyrant teenager that no one would befriend me if I kept it up. I don't remember if I was just seeking attention or rather discovering my sexuality and having to suppress it, that led to the angst, but her words crucified me. It changed me because I swore to prove her wrong, and even today, I am still very moved and surprised when my old friends take special time out to meet up when I am back. Maybe it is the utopian image of me in their minds that make change more difficult. I am after all, just a human being in need of love too.
Thank you my dear friends, whom I used to say define me as a person, but I would now say refine my life because I understand that it is ultimately up to me to be. Without you, my life would just be an empty canvas. As for my love, you are the strength that I have everyday, in constant encouragement for me to live my life to the fullest.
What tomorrow brings ... is a mystery to some, but for me, there is joy, and with this joy, brings the courage to face the challenges of tomorrow ...
回新在迹，感慨万分。往常的好友能接受今日的我吗？
如果没有诚实的真，就没有新的突破。
生命不求完美，求真实，才能过得有意义。
今天的我若选择快乐，那明日的我就会有更勇敢。
Friday, June 30, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
The Shock Of Honesty
Honesty is shocking, which is why it is much easier to lie. I am not rehashing my previous argument on honesty vs kindness, because I have now come to realise that it also takes maturity to practise kindness as well.
We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.
I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.
I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.
My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.
In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.
I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.
Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.
For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.
What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.
Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.
I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.
We live in a world where we have a tendancy to categorise people for convenience. Therefore, when someone presents unfamiliar behavioural patterns outside the box of norms, we feel challenged. I was confronted recently by a friend who chose for the first time in his life to be honest about his sexuality and by doing so, he was confused. Perplexed at the thought that his friends will now desert him and view him as a lesser human being, he drowned in self doubt. Doubt if choosing to be honest was a wrong decision after all ... I advised him that the shock did not resonate from the secret being leaked, but more from the path of honesty.
I once read somewhere that true courage lies withinin acting in the face of fear, than to boast of it, which is why being honest is so difficult. I am not honest in all areas of my life, especially around my sexuality, but at the same time, I do not believe that it should be a core factor in determining my personality and my worthiness.
I do not recall the exact moment that I realised that I could be gay. My earliest memory was in 5th Grade when I openly sobbed in class when I realised that a good friend of mine wasn't going to join me in the same class next year. I didn't understand why, but yet I didn't feel too ashamed, because I remembered that another friend was doing the same, and the 3 of us were crying. I moved on to crushes in my secondary school and latter years, but they never expanded beyond my pure fantasies.
My 2 and a half year stint in the army was the first time I allowed myself to be more affectionate with other men. It was just like returning to my primary and secondary school years because I came from a boys' school. However, the times were tough and we all needed affection and support inside this cold harsh world, so we connected. Regardless of the fact that they had girlfriends outside this world, they played the perfect companions. No one seemed to have any problems with displaying affection or scorning others for that matter. One can look inside this crystal ball and say its homo-erotic, but I think it is more about human love and connection rather than sexual energy. We needed each other and was there to support.
In an ironic sense, it was a quasi-perfect world. Men who could cuddle and rest their heads on another's shoulders, whisper sweet nothings like they would to their girlfriends, and no one else would gossip or criticise. At least not to a detrimental level seen outside. Within that world, gender was no problem. Love was love. Now, don't mistake it's the "marriage" kind of love that we are talking about, or start dissing, because it's the fundamental love and need for affection within each human being and the special connection that we can bridge with another for no apparent reason or rhyme.
I will not deny that my first sexual experience was in the army where men with alcohol is a lethal combination. I guess in some ways, alcohol can be the scapegoat for what they desire, but ultimately do not have the courage to admit. I remember still being adamant about it, but eventually I succumbed. Was it great? It was at the beginning, but the feeling after the experience for me was not one of immediate liberation, but of guilt and shame. Like how people might perceive gay or any uncommon sort of love, I felt dirty and ashamed. The big secret was out and I wanted to cry. I wanted to die because I have exposed myself to this honesty and pleasure, and I know that there was no more lying ... at least not to myself anymore.
Thankfully, I reconciled within, but still it took another 6 years before I would do anything further about it. I remembered that when I was first exposed to an openly gay person by my friend, I was surprised at his comfort with his sexuality. I was curious but as much as I desired to learn, I was held back by my own cowardice, maybe because I knew that nothing more would result from it. I was due for Australia in a month.
For me, accepting myself and my sexuality was a big issue. It still is. I still get the shocks when strangers, but more so, my older friends question me about my sexuality. It never gets any easier to tell the truth. There is uncertainty definitely on how they will react and see me from that point onwards, but more so, the shock comes from the choice of honesty and the sense of guilt, fear and ultimate freedom it brings. It's the courage in the face of fear, the split decision that our minds sways us towards the point of no return, that summons all the strength that we have, and then we collapse.
What happens next can go in different directions. It can open up new avenues and allow the relationship to deepen, because it allows me the freedom to be, or it can stifle and revert back to lies, so that everyone is more comfortable being back in our original pigeonholes. I understand that it takes further courage to open up the channels and I know that there have been revelations that have taken steps backwards, and I have not corrected them, but I also believe that there is a time for everything, and there must be patience and love.
Our fear that people will think less, love us less or not accept us for the person we are ... can crush us sometimes, but nobody is perfect. Everyone has secrets that they can't reveal, so what makes them better qualified to judge? I want to say it becomes easier but I can't. It can only get better with growing acceptance from our peers, friends and family. So, Thank You to all owho have made my life so much easier.
I also strongly believe that being different cultivates empathy and love for others, which is very important. What I can do is strive to be myself, and the best I can be, for my family, friends and my love. In return for any love and acceptance, I have to do my part and be the same for others. I am proud to say that I have friends who come up to me and say that I have changed their opinions of what gay people are like, and they no longer have prejudices. We all have a part to play and sometimes, we find ourselves at different ends of the candle. However, if we can remember how we felt when we were at the burning point, then maybe we can extend a little bit of kindness to help honesty grow in all relationships in this world.
So, to my friend and perhaps in some degree, myself, we need to congratulate ourselves for not choosing the easy path. It would have been a hollow victory if we had chosen to lie and lived on as we used to. To demand that we indulge in the discomfort helps us break new ground in all areas of our lives.
I had promised myself that when I started this blog that I wanted it to be different, something that I am proud to call mine. In baring my feelings, I am daring myself and writing about what I know. A writer can only be original with the material he know best, and my feelings are my sole property. Hence, if there are people who want to think that it is dangerous or that I have to share this here because I have no friends that I can discuss this with, then I think that it is quite sad. It is the act of sharing that brings joy, not only to others who might be experiencing from similar contradictions and might feel lost and lonely, but ultimately to myself. The gift of love and honesty ...
Thursday, June 08, 2006
回家 - Coming Home
Even though things have not been working out the way I would like them to, it has offered me a chance to pack my bags home for a short holiday between the 1st and 19th July. Watching a colleague talk about his upcoming trip to Hong Kong for two years brought me back to Feb 1998, when I was about to embark on this trip to Australia.
Many people ask me how excited I was or how long I took to plan the trip, but seriously, it all happened in a blur. Singapore had progressed to a state where one could no longer move ahead in society if you didn't have a degree, and since there were only 3 universities and very limited places, it became a norm for many people to seek education overseas.
I was the last amongst all my friends to venture overseas and I remember applying for the universities and then not thinking too much about it. It was highly because my beloved grandmother was very sick at that time, which offered me no time to think about other things, and all I do remember is her saying that "I still want to live to see you get married ..." when I told her I was going to Australia.
Those words still ring in my ears today and even though it wouldn't have been another enactment of the movie, "Wedding Banquet", she died a few months later, leaving me much grieved. Thinking back, I guess it was her departure that paved the way for my emancipation. I deeply believe that I wouldn't have chosen this path if she had still been alive.
Even though I no longer regard Singapore as my home, it is still a resting place for me. A place where my loves will always be and I always look forward to going back. Friends might say why don't you go somewhere else instead of "wasting" money to fly back to Singapore every year, but family will never be a waste, of time and money.
Many of my friends also take my coming home as an opportunity for their yearly gathering, a formal excuse to put down their busies, and come together for a couple of hours. For that, I am truly grateful and honoured for their dedication and friendship.
I am lucky and I know it. To be surrounded by such love ... I am indeed blessed. Coming home to love ...
Many people ask me how excited I was or how long I took to plan the trip, but seriously, it all happened in a blur. Singapore had progressed to a state where one could no longer move ahead in society if you didn't have a degree, and since there were only 3 universities and very limited places, it became a norm for many people to seek education overseas.
I was the last amongst all my friends to venture overseas and I remember applying for the universities and then not thinking too much about it. It was highly because my beloved grandmother was very sick at that time, which offered me no time to think about other things, and all I do remember is her saying that "I still want to live to see you get married ..." when I told her I was going to Australia.
Those words still ring in my ears today and even though it wouldn't have been another enactment of the movie, "Wedding Banquet", she died a few months later, leaving me much grieved. Thinking back, I guess it was her departure that paved the way for my emancipation. I deeply believe that I wouldn't have chosen this path if she had still been alive.
Even though I no longer regard Singapore as my home, it is still a resting place for me. A place where my loves will always be and I always look forward to going back. Friends might say why don't you go somewhere else instead of "wasting" money to fly back to Singapore every year, but family will never be a waste, of time and money.
Many of my friends also take my coming home as an opportunity for their yearly gathering, a formal excuse to put down their busies, and come together for a couple of hours. For that, I am truly grateful and honoured for their dedication and friendship.
I am lucky and I know it. To be surrounded by such love ... I am indeed blessed. Coming home to love ...
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
爱的代价 - The Price Of Love -
I had waited for almost 13 years to watch this film. Strongly recommended by one of my best friends in 1994, it was an art house flick I bought about a year ago and I don't understand why took me this long to finally play it. The movie is "Centrestage" or known as "The Actress" in some other parts of the world.
Starring Hong Kong's most successful and recently voted as the last Century's best Chinese actress, Maggie Cheung, this role marked the beginning of a luminous career for her. She is my undoubtedly my favourite actress who started off her career winning 1st runner up position in the 1983 Miss Hong Kong Pageant, and then going on to be a semi-finalist (the first Chinese) in the Miss World contest that year. I remember clearly when she was voted Miss Photogenic and was the (my) hot favourite for the crown, only to be pipped by the winner, who is now a virtual unknown. Starring in mainly bimbo roles after her successful Miss World stint, she was finally offered more serious roles in 1988, where out of nowhere, she walked away with her first Best Actress win at the Taiwan Golden Horse Awards -金馬獎 - (Chinese equivalent of Oscars) for her performance as one of the 3 women in the movie "Full Moon In New York" 《三個女人的故事/人在紐約》.
Proving that the success was not a fluke, she went on to grab the Best Supporting Actress the next year at the same awards for "Red Dust" 《滾滾紅塵》. "Centrestage/The Actress" was her real turning point, proving once and for all, that underneath the porcelain beauty was a real actress. She not only grabbed all the Best Actress awards at all Chinese award ceremonies, but also proceeded to win Best Actress at the Berlin Film Festival, a first timer for an Asian actress. An intelligent person, she decided to walk away from showbiz for further studies, only returning in 1996 in full triumph, winning accolades and repeating her award winning style with another one of my favourite movies "Comrades, Only a Love Story"《甜蜜蜜》, which has been described as the Chinese "The Way We Were". There was a notable maturity in her performance as she progressed as an actress and was described by the judges who voted for her, as superlative in every form, a performance that is so fulfilled that it is difficult to name another actor who had such prowess. "Comrades, Almost a Love Story"《甜蜜蜜》was also voted by US Time Magazine as one of their Top 10 Best Films of 1997.
After her marriage to a French director, Oliver Assayas, who she starred in his "Irma Vep", she came back to make make another Chinese film by famed director and friend, Wong Kar Wai (王家衛), in what many people might call her best performance yet, as the repressed lover in "In the Mood For Love" 《花樣年華》with another great Chinese Actor Tony Leung (梁朝偉). This incredibly sexy movie about love and repression set hearts soaring with their love and fans guessing if their chemistry on screen was indeed real off screen as well. Tony won the Best Actor award at Cannes and Maggie grabbed the Golden Horse Best Actress award that year, making her the most honoured actress in its history with 5 wins. Unfortunately, since it was pipped against "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon", who was Taiwan/HK's entry in the Oscars, "In the Mood For Love"《花樣年華》 was not eligible for a Best Foreign Oscar nomination, but won pundits from critics worldwide. They both won at the Hong Kong Film Awards, where they are both the most honoured actors in its history as well.
Maggie scored another first last year when she became the first Chinese actress again to win Best Actress at the Cannes Film Festival for "Clean". Unfortunately, she also announced that she will never star in another Wong Kar Wai movie because the last movie "2046" took 5 years to make, and most of Maggie's scenes were cut to a bare minimum. Maggie doesn't seem to have any new projects to look forward to, and I got a little distracted here, so I will return back to my review
"Centrestage/The Actress" is a biographical account of a silent movie actress Ruan Ling Yu of the late 20s and early 30s. Like Maggie, she started out playing bimbo roles but the directors recognised that she had more to offer and she started proving her worth after a few breakthroughs. Despite her fame, she was apparently down to earth and worked hard, not only to support her mother but also a child that she took under her as her own. The central theme of the movie was love because that was Ruan's biggest vice ... her vulnerability at falling in love and giving her all. The movie starts off with the director asking Maggie if she would like to be remembered decades or centuries later as a significant actress and if she desired to be a legend like Ruan, who she is playing. Maggie says No, and she can never compete with Ruan because Ruan is already a legend, since she ended her life at the young age of 25.
The movie moves along with snippets of the real Ruan, some photo stills, some real silent movie clips, returning to scenes of Maggie playing Ruan. Under a less accomplished director, the novel idea would have fallen on its face. However, these vignettes do not detract from the story, but adds on an artistic flavour to the movie, enabling the viewer to become more involved in the story telling. Maggie does not look anything like Ruan, but like Ruan, they are talented actresses. With Maggie's skill, she does not imitate or create a caricature of Ruan but recreates the mood and the feel of the actress. There is a scene where we see Maggie re-enacting a Ruan scene and it clearly shows a slight contrast in acting styles for silent and spoken movies. In silent, one has to be a lot more exaggerated, but Ruan uses her eyes to act. Maggie uses more of her chameleon face to under-act, so that she matches Ruan's power. It is fascinating to watch and it is easy to be entranced by both actresses. This is the magic of both ladies.
After gaining fame, Ruan does not rest on her laurels but strives to take on more challenging roles to expand her repertoire. Refused to be typecast, she fights to star in controversial roles about womens' movements/revolutions in the 30s when most directors would consider her too pretty to play in such roles. With such breakthroughs, she became the definitive modern woman and she was not afraid to take risks, in movies at least. However, in life, she sought to play the little woman. She desired love, and after she befriended a rich and influential man, paid monthly alimony fees to her ex-lover, who just wouldn't let go. After she starred in her last movie "Modern Women", who criticized the media's negative publicity leading to the death of a film star, the media turned their backs on her, and reported all her dalliances, with the help of her ex-lover. Thus began a tussle between the two men in her life, but unfortunately, these two men in her life fought, not for her, but more for themselves and their dignity, or lack of.
Ruan eventually takes her own life out of despair. There is a scene I love when her rich lover says that they will dress gloriously to the court so that they will be seen as high class adulterers, but Ruan, who was at the end of her life, retorted that regardless of their clothing, their actions spoke for themselves. That was the strongest move spurred on by despair. It is interesting to note that at the final scenes of the movie, Ruan (Maggie) seems to be repeating similar verses of her last letters to her lover, and it was only after the movie and some research that I realised that two such letters popped up in the media after her death, and till today remains a mystery if Ruan really did write them. The final words of Ruan was "Beware of Criticisms" ... So, was it life imitating art or the other way round again?A good movie is one that inspires the viewer to do more than just sit there. It entices involvement and interest after the movie, and "Centrestage/The Actress" is one of those gems. Love ... ultimately destroyed Ruan but does it mean that we just have to hold back and not give our all, for fear of being hurt? I was moved by the movie and since I am one that places love at the center of my life, wonder if this was a recipe for disaster? Suicide is ultimately, a selfish act, but I can totally empathise with Ruan. A reporter said that if Ruan knew 20,000 people wept at her funeral, would she have done such a "silly thing"?
Life is fragile but yet love is whole, which is why we seek for it. I have learned through time and experience that you have to give before you will receive, and that we can only give fully when we love ourselves enough. To be independent and yet interdependent. That is my important advice for anyone who wants to get into relationships and remember to love yourself in the process as well. The final lesson we can learn here is to think twice before speaking ill, because we can never know when it might turn into a matter of life and death.
在这哈韩的时代里，我希望能够掀起一股回顾风潮。回亿一些被遗忘了的好电影,好时光。最近，在新同事的交谈中，发现了自己已许久没有看华语电影了。心血來潮,一口气连接看了几部华片，也在网上购买一些陳年旧片。我已张大，再回味儿这些电影时，会否有不同感觉？感触会不会加深 。。。
记得深交在１９９３年极力推选，不知为何在前天才初次品味。看（阮玲玉）这部电影 。。。我感动了。。。四字遗书“人言可畏”让我深觉人是脆弱的。要在有爱的环境与哉培下，才能培养起奋斗精神。要在众人的歧视下站起来，是需要很大的力量。
虽然不熟悉阮玲玉的故事或电影，可是好电影就会加深对自己的要求，让我对阮玲玉的一生多加兴趣。在几个真实镜头中，惊叹她传神的演技，现实与剧中的她是多么的不同。勇敢作新尝试的她最后在生命中却选择了人生的句号。是恶语或爱情毁了她？把爱集为中心的人最终还是会走上悲剧的道路吗？
认识我的朋友都知道爱是我人生的中心。不喜欢吵架与分离，不否认曾有自杀念头，可是深知是自私的行为。对我来说，选择离开人生，就是放弃爱。爱人与爱己。爱人可以不要依赖，可以自由地爱。只要开始爱自己,才能把自己内心的爱全奉献出来。因为有保障，就不会那么害怕。
张曼玉是自己非常喜爱的演员。演阮玲玉这角色让她大放异彩，实至名归。不知道如果由第一选择梅艳芳来演，会有什么不同效果。很喜欢导演穿插一些阮玲玉与张曼玉真实镜头，加深了电影的艺术价值，是部不容错过的好电影。听说这电影在上映后被剪接，澳州是唯一有原片的国家，很有兴趣知道错过些什么镜头。
影片最后似乎有重复朗读遗书的镜头，后来上网才发现了有两本遗书的出现， 是否真由阮玲玉本人亲笔至今还是个谜。无论，璀璨人生如此短暂，始终是种遗憾。。。
我的根源 - My Roots -
John likes to say that I must have been born a Japanese in my past life. My fascination, friends, idols, loves, desires ... mostly lie in the Land of the Rising Sun. It is not surprising also to read my various posts and deduce my dedication to their pop culture as well.
However, I am Chinese, though many have commented that I do not look like one, which I am not, because my maternal grandmother was a Peranakan (i.e. she has a Chinese father and a mother with Malay blood in her). I have often been mistaken as a Malay in Singapore, especially after my national service, when to the chagrin of my Malay colleagues on my first week at work, found me devouring Chinese food at the canteen (Malays can only consume Halal food - which has been prayed to and specially prepared). They soon figured out, to their utmost surprise, that I am Chinese. Here in Australia, I have also been mistaken as a Vietnamese (most common), Thai (by a middle aged female stranger who came up on the bus to tell me that I am a very handsome Thai) or Filipino. Seldom do I get the "touchdown" that I am a Singaporean Chinese. I should consider myself lucky because I have been blessed, hopefully, with the best of both cultures, but more so because my sister and cousins have been mistaken as Filipino maids in the past when they went down to the provision stores, which made them rather upset.
It may be because nationalism is not naturally strong in Singapore, where we preach and practise multiculturalism, and live harmoniously with each other, that sometimes, we seek outside for the real identity within ourselves. As an impressionable young, I was very quickly influenced by the likes of Japanese music and its pop culture, but at the same time, rooted in me, were my Chinese superstitions, beliefs and values. Though there were times when I yearned to be Japanese, I knew that it was only when I am comfortable in my own skin that I can be truly proud of myself.
My friend, Leslie Kee, is one great inspiration. I was shocked to hear in an interview once that his desire was to promote Asian culture to the forefront of fashion and beauty in the photographic world. In this sometimes myopic world where beauty is defined in Western terms, it is not easy for Asians to have high self images of themselves in the beauty stakes. It may be due to the Western education that I received and books I read that help form this opinion, but I think international beauty pageants in the past seemed to only confirm this "fact".
I was in awe and I did set out to be more aware of my culture and who I am. I know that I have not talked much about Chinese culture or even Chinese pop culture, but it may be because I don't have many friends in the past that I had much opportunity to speak the language with. In my attempts to acculturize myself here in Australia, I started out by throwing myself into the deep end. I refused to join any social clubs in Sydney or at University that would mainly cater to the Asian culture. I desperately wanted to experience this new world, to explore what it was to be like an Aussie. I made some friends after quite a long time, though I found that it was only with my fellow international students that I truly clicked. Somehow, it was difficult to break into the networks that had been built over the years.
It was tedious and frightful ... to throw away one's comfortable life with many friends into this new surrounding and having to start making friends all over again. I am now reaping the fruits of labour but a few thoughts crept into my mind recently in my insecure moments that I still seemed to lack a true network of very close friends that would call me if they ran into any troubles, or just for an idle chat. Thankfully, a few phone calls that week helped to reaffirm my earlier beliefs that I do have my own family here in Australia now. Still, I seem to find few avenues to explore the Chinese in me.
It seemed strange that it would take a new colleague from China that made me realise my Chinese roots. She is a delightful person to work with, and she laughs often when she recalls the first day I gave up training her in English because she was having difficulty understanding me. Since I hadn't spoken Mandarin for long periods, I found it a bit of a struggle, but then again, one does not have to translate many work procedures into Mandarin everyday. I spoke haltingly and had to apologize many times for my poor Mandarin. She smiled and said that I should revert back to English and only try to explain in Mandarin to elaborate a process she did not understand.
Since then, which has been about 2 months, she remarked recently that my Mandarin has improved leaps and bounds. I debated that it was because I was more comfortable and that it was easier to talk idly in the language, which she agreed. Unfortunately, her English hasn't been given as rigorous an exercise as I have been. It is a also delight to discover the differences in our cultures and the similarities, even though we are both Chinese. To clarify various myths, especially the one child policy in China and that it is mostly untrue that most Chinese will find ways to kill their firstborn if she turns out to be a girl. Well, Sophia is the best example because she is the only daughter. With her, I was able to discuss and rediscover my love for Chinese culture. I will still cringe at the bad "obiang" (old fashioned) costumes and the noisy lion dances, but I am remembering the really old Chinese movies that I watched with my mother, my day trip with my paternal grandmother where she brought me to watch two Chinese romantic movies, because I liked them. It all seemed like such a dream but they were so warm and so real, and I was transported, back in time, to that boy of about 7, who was really happy.
Our discussions and quizzes have prompted me to want to introduce more Chinese pop culture into my blog, take trips down nostalgia and explore the dormant part of myself. To be inquisitive and to introduce good Chinese movies that are worth watching, so that others will know that there is more than just the "pugilistic kung fu" movies that I am just so not interested in. I am interested in human relations and the way of life. How events help shape the way Chinese people are, and how Western influences can have on the Chinese culture. It all comes to a full circle with many Chinese traditions and superstitions finding their niche in Western everyday lives as well. Hopefully, through the discussion of these movies, music and experiences, I will be able to introduce our rich Chinese culture, further define my internationality and ultimately, rediscover my roots ... that I am indeed proud to be a Chinese.
However, I am Chinese, though many have commented that I do not look like one, which I am not, because my maternal grandmother was a Peranakan (i.e. she has a Chinese father and a mother with Malay blood in her). I have often been mistaken as a Malay in Singapore, especially after my national service, when to the chagrin of my Malay colleagues on my first week at work, found me devouring Chinese food at the canteen (Malays can only consume Halal food - which has been prayed to and specially prepared). They soon figured out, to their utmost surprise, that I am Chinese. Here in Australia, I have also been mistaken as a Vietnamese (most common), Thai (by a middle aged female stranger who came up on the bus to tell me that I am a very handsome Thai) or Filipino. Seldom do I get the "touchdown" that I am a Singaporean Chinese. I should consider myself lucky because I have been blessed, hopefully, with the best of both cultures, but more so because my sister and cousins have been mistaken as Filipino maids in the past when they went down to the provision stores, which made them rather upset.
It may be because nationalism is not naturally strong in Singapore, where we preach and practise multiculturalism, and live harmoniously with each other, that sometimes, we seek outside for the real identity within ourselves. As an impressionable young, I was very quickly influenced by the likes of Japanese music and its pop culture, but at the same time, rooted in me, were my Chinese superstitions, beliefs and values. Though there were times when I yearned to be Japanese, I knew that it was only when I am comfortable in my own skin that I can be truly proud of myself.
My friend, Leslie Kee, is one great inspiration. I was shocked to hear in an interview once that his desire was to promote Asian culture to the forefront of fashion and beauty in the photographic world. In this sometimes myopic world where beauty is defined in Western terms, it is not easy for Asians to have high self images of themselves in the beauty stakes. It may be due to the Western education that I received and books I read that help form this opinion, but I think international beauty pageants in the past seemed to only confirm this "fact".
I was in awe and I did set out to be more aware of my culture and who I am. I know that I have not talked much about Chinese culture or even Chinese pop culture, but it may be because I don't have many friends in the past that I had much opportunity to speak the language with. In my attempts to acculturize myself here in Australia, I started out by throwing myself into the deep end. I refused to join any social clubs in Sydney or at University that would mainly cater to the Asian culture. I desperately wanted to experience this new world, to explore what it was to be like an Aussie. I made some friends after quite a long time, though I found that it was only with my fellow international students that I truly clicked. Somehow, it was difficult to break into the networks that had been built over the years.
It was tedious and frightful ... to throw away one's comfortable life with many friends into this new surrounding and having to start making friends all over again. I am now reaping the fruits of labour but a few thoughts crept into my mind recently in my insecure moments that I still seemed to lack a true network of very close friends that would call me if they ran into any troubles, or just for an idle chat. Thankfully, a few phone calls that week helped to reaffirm my earlier beliefs that I do have my own family here in Australia now. Still, I seem to find few avenues to explore the Chinese in me.
It seemed strange that it would take a new colleague from China that made me realise my Chinese roots. She is a delightful person to work with, and she laughs often when she recalls the first day I gave up training her in English because she was having difficulty understanding me. Since I hadn't spoken Mandarin for long periods, I found it a bit of a struggle, but then again, one does not have to translate many work procedures into Mandarin everyday. I spoke haltingly and had to apologize many times for my poor Mandarin. She smiled and said that I should revert back to English and only try to explain in Mandarin to elaborate a process she did not understand.
Since then, which has been about 2 months, she remarked recently that my Mandarin has improved leaps and bounds. I debated that it was because I was more comfortable and that it was easier to talk idly in the language, which she agreed. Unfortunately, her English hasn't been given as rigorous an exercise as I have been. It is a also delight to discover the differences in our cultures and the similarities, even though we are both Chinese. To clarify various myths, especially the one child policy in China and that it is mostly untrue that most Chinese will find ways to kill their firstborn if she turns out to be a girl. Well, Sophia is the best example because she is the only daughter. With her, I was able to discuss and rediscover my love for Chinese culture. I will still cringe at the bad "obiang" (old fashioned) costumes and the noisy lion dances, but I am remembering the really old Chinese movies that I watched with my mother, my day trip with my paternal grandmother where she brought me to watch two Chinese romantic movies, because I liked them. It all seemed like such a dream but they were so warm and so real, and I was transported, back in time, to that boy of about 7, who was really happy.
Our discussions and quizzes have prompted me to want to introduce more Chinese pop culture into my blog, take trips down nostalgia and explore the dormant part of myself. To be inquisitive and to introduce good Chinese movies that are worth watching, so that others will know that there is more than just the "pugilistic kung fu" movies that I am just so not interested in. I am interested in human relations and the way of life. How events help shape the way Chinese people are, and how Western influences can have on the Chinese culture. It all comes to a full circle with many Chinese traditions and superstitions finding their niche in Western everyday lives as well. Hopefully, through the discussion of these movies, music and experiences, I will be able to introduce our rich Chinese culture, further define my internationality and ultimately, rediscover my roots ... that I am indeed proud to be a Chinese.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
世上只有妈妈好
这是妈妈非常喜欢的歌曲。
在母亲节献上这份尊敬的祝福，
是发自内心最深处的爱。
没有母亲温馨与耐心的爱护，
就不会有今天的我。
虽然不能常在您身边，
对您的爱只有增无减，
在一起的时间更珍惜。
感谢母亲养育之恩与宽容，
我会用爱与行动来证实。
最后再说声“我爱您”，
幸福的日子我深深感受到。
It's Mother's Day today and I would like to wish every woman a very Happy Mother's Day. I know of many women in my life who constantly exhibit caring and motherly qualities, and just because they have not beared any child, should not be deprived of a celebration of their ability to love like a mother. Two such people are my Aunt Constance and my dear friend, Anne, and I thank you both for being in my life, and continuously teaching me about love.
I would also like to specifically thank my mother for just being there. Even though there were many times during my teenage years where many misunderstandings took place, I always knew you did it out of love. Though we live currently in separate countries, I understand your deep yearning for me to be nearer. However, it is also your love and generosity in allowing me to live my own life that I am extremely thankful for, and in return allows me to love you even more.
I miss you too and think of you often, but I want you to know that I do not take you or time for granted. I have learnt too many lessons about love and loss, to know that nothing is permanent. So, I want to say "I love you very much" on this very day, and that I am very lucky and very happy, because I have a wonderful mother who loves me very much.
在母亲节献上这份尊敬的祝福，
是发自内心最深处的爱。
没有母亲温馨与耐心的爱护，
就不会有今天的我。
虽然不能常在您身边，
对您的爱只有增无减，
在一起的时间更珍惜。
感谢母亲养育之恩与宽容，
我会用爱与行动来证实。
最后再说声“我爱您”，
幸福的日子我深深感受到。
It's Mother's Day today and I would like to wish every woman a very Happy Mother's Day. I know of many women in my life who constantly exhibit caring and motherly qualities, and just because they have not beared any child, should not be deprived of a celebration of their ability to love like a mother. Two such people are my Aunt Constance and my dear friend, Anne, and I thank you both for being in my life, and continuously teaching me about love.
I would also like to specifically thank my mother for just being there. Even though there were many times during my teenage years where many misunderstandings took place, I always knew you did it out of love. Though we live currently in separate countries, I understand your deep yearning for me to be nearer. However, it is also your love and generosity in allowing me to live my own life that I am extremely thankful for, and in return allows me to love you even more.
I miss you too and think of you often, but I want you to know that I do not take you or time for granted. I have learnt too many lessons about love and loss, to know that nothing is permanent. So, I want to say "I love you very much" on this very day, and that I am very lucky and very happy, because I have a wonderful mother who loves me very much.
Thursday, May 11, 2006
Do We Care Too Much?
I was just making a comment on my friend, Jack's Blog entry: Pics that made me realise how our lives are so often influenced by the opinions of others. I am not criticising comments or criticisms but how much is too much?
Growing up, I believed that I was not only fat but unattractive, lazy and stupid. It was my mother's way of humbling us into working harder, but her comments to her friends stuck like super glue and helped mould me into the person I was. Though to be honest, she would have been happier with me being "fatter" than I was but my self image was so poor that I saw any excess fat as being obese. I felt small, unloved and unwanted. In my mind where I struggled to accept myself, my grandmother was my only solace.
Many other incidents along the way, for example, not being popular or one of the "accepted clans" in school helped reaffirm this warped perception in my mind. Thankfully, things changed but it wasn't until I went through some self developments courses that made me realise what effects these words had on me. People can say that "words can't hurt" but they do. Everytime I hear someone making "innocent" comments like "He/She's so ugly or so fat.", I feel like turning around and telling them off. Sometimes, it's not something that they have any control over and I am sure you have your own skeletons as well.
Growing up with such a "warped mind" helped me develop empathy. I felt for every single person who did not feel and look "perfect". I reached out for people who would be ostracised in a group. That was probably one of the few good things that came out of it, and the other was not to use hurtful words on physical appearances. The true ugliness is not in appearance, but in character and human behaviour.
I realise how words can shape and influence the person we are and the heroes in our mind/heart. So, I believe after the exercise, in self expression. Many people have wondered how I can bare all my feelings like that and not get hurt. I think I only hurt when I can't express, and the only avenue is left to bottle it up. Writing gives me the avenue to think and vent, and the best thing is that by sharing, someone else can feel less lonely because they can then understand and know that they are not alone, and whatever they are feeling ... is perhaps ... "normal". Is there such a thing as "normal"? Politically correctedness aside, I think I prefer the word "common". What if what is common is abnormal? What do we do then?
So, I strive to be as honest and as fully self expressed as I can. I still have reservations sometimes and I do know that I am putting myself and my life up for scrutiny. People can comment or criticise but they are sometimes no harsher than the beatings I give myself. I seek to encourage, not only myself but others to put aside their fears and explore ... fly and be whoever they want to be ... because it is only when we do so that we feel free and powerful.
If our friends really do love and care for us, then they will come along with us and like I said on my comments, I know that the true ones will be there to catch me, if I fall ...
Growing up, I believed that I was not only fat but unattractive, lazy and stupid. It was my mother's way of humbling us into working harder, but her comments to her friends stuck like super glue and helped mould me into the person I was. Though to be honest, she would have been happier with me being "fatter" than I was but my self image was so poor that I saw any excess fat as being obese. I felt small, unloved and unwanted. In my mind where I struggled to accept myself, my grandmother was my only solace.
Many other incidents along the way, for example, not being popular or one of the "accepted clans" in school helped reaffirm this warped perception in my mind. Thankfully, things changed but it wasn't until I went through some self developments courses that made me realise what effects these words had on me. People can say that "words can't hurt" but they do. Everytime I hear someone making "innocent" comments like "He/She's so ugly or so fat.", I feel like turning around and telling them off. Sometimes, it's not something that they have any control over and I am sure you have your own skeletons as well.
Growing up with such a "warped mind" helped me develop empathy. I felt for every single person who did not feel and look "perfect". I reached out for people who would be ostracised in a group. That was probably one of the few good things that came out of it, and the other was not to use hurtful words on physical appearances. The true ugliness is not in appearance, but in character and human behaviour.
I realise how words can shape and influence the person we are and the heroes in our mind/heart. So, I believe after the exercise, in self expression. Many people have wondered how I can bare all my feelings like that and not get hurt. I think I only hurt when I can't express, and the only avenue is left to bottle it up. Writing gives me the avenue to think and vent, and the best thing is that by sharing, someone else can feel less lonely because they can then understand and know that they are not alone, and whatever they are feeling ... is perhaps ... "normal". Is there such a thing as "normal"? Politically correctedness aside, I think I prefer the word "common". What if what is common is abnormal? What do we do then?
So, I strive to be as honest and as fully self expressed as I can. I still have reservations sometimes and I do know that I am putting myself and my life up for scrutiny. People can comment or criticise but they are sometimes no harsher than the beatings I give myself. I seek to encourage, not only myself but others to put aside their fears and explore ... fly and be whoever they want to be ... because it is only when we do so that we feel free and powerful.
If our friends really do love and care for us, then they will come along with us and like I said on my comments, I know that the true ones will be there to catch me, if I fall ...
Monday, May 01, 2006
A Song For You
I remember the first time I heard this song. A group of us were seated around my lounge watching the "第53回紅白歌合戦" waiting for Akina's comeback performance that year in 2002, and suddenly, we found ourselves entranced by this beautiful voice and song. Dumbstruck by its beauty, we were all momentarily speechless. It gave us goosebumps as we listened to it for the first time.
An Okinawa inspired melody, this song launched the singer 夏川りみ's career to new heights. Since I don't really understand Japanese too much, I don't really pay much attention to the lyrics. However, I chanced upon this performance of hers last year with Chinese subtitles that made me realise why it has become one of the most popular songs in the past few years, making 夏川りみ the first singer in its 56 years to sing the same song 4 times at 紅白.
I did a translation myself using the Chinese wordings on the screen but found this beautiful translation on another website, so I am using it but have edited a little. It is a beautiful and touching song about love lost to death, and many people have experienced it in their lives, myself included. For those who have never lost someone before, please don't ever wait till it's too late to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. We need to be thankful for every breath we have and every day we live.
Like the famous Japanese song "秋桜" which speaks of love between a mother and child, this speaks of love between any two human beings and I want to dedicate this song to everyone who has ever lost someone dear, and especially to my web-friend, Jack from My Song For You, who moves me with his little vignettes of his love for his mother, who is no longer around. Like my beloved grandmother whom I lost 8 years ago, they live forever in our hearts ...
涙そうそう
作詞 森山 良子 (Moriyama Ryouko)
作曲 BEGIN
唄 夏川 りみ (Natsukawa Rimi)
古いアルバムめくり ありがとうってつぶやいた
いつもいつも胸の中 励ましてくれる人よ
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせてもおもかげ探して よみがえる日は 涙そうそう
一番星に祈る それが私のくせになり
夕暮れに見上げる空 心いっぱいあなた探す
悲しみにも 喜びにも 想うあの笑顔
あなたの場所から私が見えたら
きっといつか 会えると信じ 生きてゆく
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせても
さみしくて 恋しくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
会いたくて 会いたくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
Translation
I whisper "Thank You" as I leaf through this old photo album
The eternal inspiration within my heart
Should the memories of that smile,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
They return in the days I search for traces of you,
my eyes glisten with tears ...
Almost a habit now, I wish upon the very first star
Looking within the evening skies for you with all my heart
The memories of that smile I think of, in joy or sorrow
And if you can see me, from where you are
I'll have the courage to live on, believing that we'll meet again someday ...
And should the memories of that smile I think of,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
In loneliness and yearning - my feelings for you, my eyes glisten with tears ...
I miss you, if only we could meet - my feelings for you, eyes glistening with tears ...
original taken from waxin' lyrical (edited by Jamez)
An Okinawa inspired melody, this song launched the singer 夏川りみ's career to new heights. Since I don't really understand Japanese too much, I don't really pay much attention to the lyrics. However, I chanced upon this performance of hers last year with Chinese subtitles that made me realise why it has become one of the most popular songs in the past few years, making 夏川りみ the first singer in its 56 years to sing the same song 4 times at 紅白.
I did a translation myself using the Chinese wordings on the screen but found this beautiful translation on another website, so I am using it but have edited a little. It is a beautiful and touching song about love lost to death, and many people have experienced it in their lives, myself included. For those who have never lost someone before, please don't ever wait till it's too late to let them know how much you love and appreciate them. We need to be thankful for every breath we have and every day we live.
Like the famous Japanese song "秋桜" which speaks of love between a mother and child, this speaks of love between any two human beings and I want to dedicate this song to everyone who has ever lost someone dear, and especially to my web-friend, Jack from My Song For You, who moves me with his little vignettes of his love for his mother, who is no longer around. Like my beloved grandmother whom I lost 8 years ago, they live forever in our hearts ...
涙そうそう
作詞 森山 良子 (Moriyama Ryouko)
作曲 BEGIN
唄 夏川 りみ (Natsukawa Rimi)
古いアルバムめくり ありがとうってつぶやいた
いつもいつも胸の中 励ましてくれる人よ
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせてもおもかげ探して よみがえる日は 涙そうそう
一番星に祈る それが私のくせになり
夕暮れに見上げる空 心いっぱいあなた探す
悲しみにも 喜びにも 想うあの笑顔
あなたの場所から私が見えたら
きっといつか 会えると信じ 生きてゆく
晴れ渡る日も 雨の日も 浮かぶあの笑顔
想い出遠くあせても
さみしくて 恋しくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
会いたくて 会いたくて 君への想い 涙そうそう
Translation
I whisper "Thank You" as I leaf through this old photo album
The eternal inspiration within my heart
Should the memories of that smile,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
They return in the days I search for traces of you,
my eyes glisten with tears ...
Almost a habit now, I wish upon the very first star
Looking within the evening skies for you with all my heart
The memories of that smile I think of, in joy or sorrow
And if you can see me, from where you are
I'll have the courage to live on, believing that we'll meet again someday ...
And should the memories of that smile I think of,
Come rain or shine, fade away into the distance
In loneliness and yearning - my feelings for you, my eyes glisten with tears ...
I miss you, if only we could meet - my feelings for you, eyes glistening with tears ...
original taken from waxin' lyrical (edited by Jamez)
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Another Kind of 紅白 - どっちの料理ショー
I just finished watching this episode of どっちの料理ショー (Dotchi No Ryouri Cooking Show), which was split into 5 parts and I found it too irresistible not to share. For fans of the cooking show "Iron Chef", this looks like a spinoff and though, the main attraction for me initially was three singers in the tasting section, it slowly became a very educational and entertaining exercise. Hope you will enjoy them as much as I did!
In the famous tradition of 紅白(Red vs White), it's Minestrone vs Clam Chowder. Which team will win? Watch them and see ... It helps that it has English subtitles but the entertainer's expressions are also priceless ...
Friday, April 28, 2006
堀ちえみコンサート～青春の忘れ物～
Just saw this song list from Chiemi's concert last year from a blog and from the BBS of another site, the DVD is rumoured to be 97 minutes with a 33 minutes of special features (特典). That's quite a good deal for the fans and I wonder why Akina never does that. Apparently, the 特典 will include clips from the other concert which is not the main feature (not sure which is the one but she had two concerts in Osaka and Tokyo last year.
What attracted me to look for the song list is not only because I showed interest in buying the DVD, much to the chargin of my fellow VAMPires (Ha! Ha!), but also because I read on wikipaedia that there was a special guest star during her concert.
I would have thought that if she wanted a special guest star, it would probably be her fellow team-mates from キューティー★マミー - 松本伊代 and 早見優, but you will be just as surpised as I am. In Tokyo, 中村あゆみ collaborated with Chiemi to sing one of my favourite songs 「翼の折れたエンジェル」 ...
If that was included in the DVD, then it would be a great feature to look forward to!!
『堀ちえみコンサート～青春の忘れ物～』
01.ちえみシングルスメドレー ～潮風の少女～夏色のダイアリー～稲妻パラダイス～クレイジーラブ～夢千秒～愛を今信じていたい～
（MC）
02.太陽NO.１
03.暗くなるまで待って
04.T・H・R・E・A・T
05.ストロベリー・ハート
（MC）
06.Jimmy's Girl
07.ミス・ロンリー・ユニヴァース
08.Shoes
（バンド紹介・衣装チェンジ）
09.浮気なリップス（タップダンス披露）
～スライドにてタップの練習風景～衣装チェンジ
10.渚のライオン（ダンサー紹介）
（MC）
11.抱きしめたい
（MC）
12.翼の折れたエンジェル（ゲスト：中村あゆみ）
（MC）
13.さよならの物語
14.東京suger town
15.夏咲き娘
（MC）
16.リ・ボ・ン
＜アンコール＞
17.愛のランナー
18.CHIEMI SQUALL
19.名前を呼んで
Looking at the list of songs, it appears so that Chiemi chose quite a few album songs (maybe one from each album) since this was her first concert since she semi-retired in 1987. I am less interested in those but am happy that she sang some of my fave singles of hers too. To commemorate her collaboration with 松本伊代 and 早見優, she sang two of their songs, which she also included in her cover album last year 「'80s IDOL SONGS COLLECTION」, which I didn't manage to get. I don't mind 「抱きしめたい」 from 松本伊代 that much, not that it's a great song, but I really wonder about 「渚のライオン」, which in my mind, is a really childish song. 早見優 has so many better songs, so I wonder why she chose that ... Still, I think it was good that she sang those covers during her concert. I guess this will be a sentimental rather than rational purchase which I will enjoy regardless of the quality. And now for a short キューティー★マミー performance.
Sunday, April 23, 2006
Guilty Pleasures
We all have little addictions that we indulge ourselves in. My vice is CDs and DVDs and I have been more careful recently in not going overboard. A few months back, I decided not to join my fellow VAMPires for an encore of last year's visit to Japan for Akina's concert. I am totally at ease with the decision now, though I had to admit that there was much struggle and anger then. Together, we managed to work things out and I am very happy that I am still going to live through the experience from them who are attending.
Akina has been very active recently, co-starring in a drama 「プリマダム」 and singing the ending theme "花よ踊れ". The new single will be released on the 17th May and all of us Akina fans on VAMP have decided that we are disappointed with the ugly cover and apparently Akina was too, because she replied "不思議" when asked about her first impression. It was a drawing of her when she was dancing at the age of 5/6 years old, but the scale is rather uneven and the colour unflattering. The style of drawing is apparently a big hit in the US right now and as fugly as it is, it will not stop us from buying the CD single.
Her first original album in almost 3 years "Destination" is also due a month later on 21st June, and hopefully, the cover art will be better. Her first record company, Warner Music", is also releasing a limited release deluxe box set "Akina Box", which includes all her albums from her Warner years, from her debut "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Cruise".
At the price tag of ￥37,000, I have given up on this fancy idea and will settle on the individual limited releases that I don't own, which is from "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Possibility". These special re-releases will replicate the style of the original LPs with a deluxe paper cover and album sleeves, which should be most interesting.
Coupled with the two new releases, I will also get three other re-released for the umpteenth time, concert DVDs that I don't own:
(a) East Live 23
(b) Bitter and Sweet 1985 Summer Tour
(c) Live in '88: Femme Fatale
Today, I received an email notice from HMV, that 堀ちえみwill be releasing a DVD of her special concert last year "Memorial Live 2005" at the end of July. I was quite amazed that her record company is rather actively releasing new works considering that her works last year did not sell very well. Her collaboration with 松本伊代 and 早見優 to form the disturbingly named group キューティー★マミー (Cutie Mommy) with their first single 「ミッキーマウス・マーチ（ファミリー・パラパラ・ヴァージョン）」 (Mickey Mouse March) - theme for "Disneyland" (Yes, it's the M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, Mickey Mouse Yah yah yah! song that I grew up with), only sold 1661 copies on its first week's debut at #72 on Oricon.
They are re-releasing the single on the 3rd May including a CD and DVD, and you can watch a cute preview of them dancing on their Avex homepage and download a video of them from the site as well. It's a homage to high camp, but they look great for their age, though thinking of them as 40 year old women and their combined 9 children, dancing in such teenage fashion causes some concern.
Akina has been very active recently, co-starring in a drama 「プリマダム」 and singing the ending theme "花よ踊れ". The new single will be released on the 17th May and all of us Akina fans on VAMP have decided that we are disappointed with the ugly cover and apparently Akina was too, because she replied "不思議" when asked about her first impression. It was a drawing of her when she was dancing at the age of 5/6 years old, but the scale is rather uneven and the colour unflattering. The style of drawing is apparently a big hit in the US right now and as fugly as it is, it will not stop us from buying the CD single.
Her first original album in almost 3 years "Destination" is also due a month later on 21st June, and hopefully, the cover art will be better. Her first record company, Warner Music", is also releasing a limited release deluxe box set "Akina Box", which includes all her albums from her Warner years, from her debut "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Cruise".
At the price tag of ￥37,000, I have given up on this fancy idea and will settle on the individual limited releases that I don't own, which is from "ﾌﾟﾛﾛｰｸﾞ" to "Possibility". These special re-releases will replicate the style of the original LPs with a deluxe paper cover and album sleeves, which should be most interesting.
Coupled with the two new releases, I will also get three other re-released for the umpteenth time, concert DVDs that I don't own:
(a) East Live 23
(b) Bitter and Sweet 1985 Summer Tour
(c) Live in '88: Femme Fatale
Today, I received an email notice from HMV, that 堀ちえみwill be releasing a DVD of her special concert last year "Memorial Live 2005" at the end of July. I was quite amazed that her record company is rather actively releasing new works considering that her works last year did not sell very well. Her collaboration with 松本伊代 and 早見優 to form the disturbingly named group キューティー★マミー (Cutie Mommy) with their first single 「ミッキーマウス・マーチ（ファミリー・パラパラ・ヴァージョン）」 (Mickey Mouse March) - theme for "Disneyland" (Yes, it's the M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, Mickey Mouse Yah yah yah! song that I grew up with), only sold 1661 copies on its first week's debut at #72 on Oricon.
They are re-releasing the single on the 3rd May including a CD and DVD, and you can watch a cute preview of them dancing on their Avex homepage and download a video of them from the site as well. It's a homage to high camp, but they look great for their age, though thinking of them as 40 year old women and their combined 9 children, dancing in such teenage fashion causes some concern.
Their first performance and meeting fans session:
In Cold Tokyo:
Even 柏原芳恵 is releasing a new single " Ma-Ma/みえない翼" on the 24th May, but I wil give that a miss because I am not interested enough. HMV does not mention "Ma-Ma" as the A-side but her fansite indicated so with the cover (pointed out by Hamu). Thanks!
Lastly, the mother of all these "Let's look younger with every year we grow older" "trend", 松田聖子 is also releasing a box set "Seiko Matsuda", and as much as I enjoy her albums in the 80s, the exhorbitant ￥100,000 price tag is impossible. Her new single and album both titled "Bless You" is due for release in April and May, and surprisingly, the single cover is rather mature, but still non-innovative.
Looking at all these makes me feel really happy that Akina is more comfortable with her age and is allowing herself to age gracefully instead of trying to dress and act cute. To listen to her new Latin influenced dance single, you can visit our site specially dedicated to Akina Nakamori - VAMP, which I am immensely proud to be part of a wonderful and supportive team of VAMPires. Borrowing from my wonderful fellow VAMPire 乱火 who is currently milking his stay in Japan, here are some captures of Akina on television, which I think she looks so beautiful.
So, here are my guilty pleasures that I will be indulging in the next few months and I certainly hope to be squeezing some time for a trip back to Singapore, which I have yet to decide on, because I wanted to time it with Leslie's visit. However, my family has been asking me when am I planning to visit them again, and they don't usually do, so it's a little bitter-sweet because of my current indecisiveness.
Happy Days
Giving is a beautiful feeling. The week before, in conjunction with Easter and a few birthdays within my family, I went on a shopping spree and bought a few things to send back to my family in Singapore. The first place I walked into was this child learning toy shop which was near when we do our shopping and most of its items were on sale, which made shopping rather fun but difficult at the same time. I wanted to settle on a farm and some ranch dolls and animals, but since the toys were rather small, John expressed his worry that my two year old nephew might end up putting them into his mouth.
Not wanting to risk that, though I had a pretty good idea he had stopped doing that, I moved toward another section and saw some jockey dolls on sale. Two female and one male. The price tag of $5 each (down from $20) quickly clinched the deal within my mind, especially when I recalled a conversation with Mom a month back that Joshua was quite fascinated with horses. I looked around for a suitable horse, and there was package that came with one, but it was for the whopping price of $40 for the horse and the jockey. "No way I'm going to pay $35 for a small unimpressive horse like that.", I said to John.
We looked around the shop and found some smaller horses at a cheaper tag, but they were too small for the dolls, and it would have been pointless. I suggested that we moved to KMart, and eventually found a great deal - a rainbow brite looking doll without the ugly rainbow makeup. A good sized, smart looking horse with a full mane, tail and comb, all for $12.50 at KMart. It was a steal and I immediately bought two of them and went back to the other shop for the dolls. Yes, I had to buy two of each because it was my niece's birthday next week and I didn't want them to fight over the one doll. Afterall, they could go horse-riding together. No brokeback moutain adventures, because I got a male and a female jockey, but it would still be lots of childish fun.
Anticipating my mother's "distaste" for such "extravangance", I wrote a note explaining the joys of giving, and my present to her was the gift of their smile and joy. Packed with other goodies like dates and chocolates, I sent the parcel, expecting it to arrive in a week. I received a call in 3 business days at around 8.30 pm (Australian) and 6.30 pm (Singapore) with an invitation to speak on web cam. The web cam has been great, allowing me to see and talk to them in real time and it really eases the loneliness of not seeing and watching them grow up, which is something I am really missing, not only because it is more difficult for me to have children.
My only request for a present was a videoclip of them opening up their presents. Though I didn't get it, and had to see their delighted faces on screen with their presents already opened, I had the pleasure of knowing that Joshua had his mouth wide open when he tore up the wrapping paper (in times, I know he will be taught to open them nicely. Ha! Ha!) and saw the horse. Joy was also equally excited, playing with Joshua immediately. I was also told that they were not crowding around the webcam because they are so excited about their presents and couldn't wait to start playing with them. "It was thoughtful of you to buy two" my sister told me, and the entire episode brought a lot of joy for me. Coupled with our anniversary, the double happiness resonated with me for many days after that.
Not wanting to risk that, though I had a pretty good idea he had stopped doing that, I moved toward another section and saw some jockey dolls on sale. Two female and one male. The price tag of $5 each (down from $20) quickly clinched the deal within my mind, especially when I recalled a conversation with Mom a month back that Joshua was quite fascinated with horses. I looked around for a suitable horse, and there was package that came with one, but it was for the whopping price of $40 for the horse and the jockey. "No way I'm going to pay $35 for a small unimpressive horse like that.", I said to John.
We looked around the shop and found some smaller horses at a cheaper tag, but they were too small for the dolls, and it would have been pointless. I suggested that we moved to KMart, and eventually found a great deal - a rainbow brite looking doll without the ugly rainbow makeup. A good sized, smart looking horse with a full mane, tail and comb, all for $12.50 at KMart. It was a steal and I immediately bought two of them and went back to the other shop for the dolls. Yes, I had to buy two of each because it was my niece's birthday next week and I didn't want them to fight over the one doll. Afterall, they could go horse-riding together. No brokeback moutain adventures, because I got a male and a female jockey, but it would still be lots of childish fun.
Anticipating my mother's "distaste" for such "extravangance", I wrote a note explaining the joys of giving, and my present to her was the gift of their smile and joy. Packed with other goodies like dates and chocolates, I sent the parcel, expecting it to arrive in a week. I received a call in 3 business days at around 8.30 pm (Australian) and 6.30 pm (Singapore) with an invitation to speak on web cam. The web cam has been great, allowing me to see and talk to them in real time and it really eases the loneliness of not seeing and watching them grow up, which is something I am really missing, not only because it is more difficult for me to have children.
My only request for a present was a videoclip of them opening up their presents. Though I didn't get it, and had to see their delighted faces on screen with their presents already opened, I had the pleasure of knowing that Joshua had his mouth wide open when he tore up the wrapping paper (in times, I know he will be taught to open them nicely. Ha! Ha!) and saw the horse. Joy was also equally excited, playing with Joshua immediately. I was also told that they were not crowding around the webcam because they are so excited about their presents and couldn't wait to start playing with them. "It was thoughtful of you to buy two" my sister told me, and the entire episode brought a lot of joy for me. Coupled with our anniversary, the double happiness resonated with me for many days after that.
Happy 4th Anniversary
Thursday marked the 4th Anniversary of our love. It was really difficult to believe that 4 years had flown by because many a times, the love still feels so fresh. I am a firm believer of "make believe it's your first time", so that there is no such social term as "the honeymoon period" is over, and it works with us.
I think we are very lucky to have each other and are able to feel this way because I know that there have been times in past relationships when the "honeymoon" was over, but we are able to sustain it this time. We are officially celebrating it in two weeks when we fly to Melbourne for a three day holiday and I am looking forward to it. Melbourne is a city that I fall in love over and over again whenever I am there. Maybe it's the Victorian structure of the city and even though it's about an hour and a half flight away, it has the feel of London/Europe (though I have not been there but have seen lots of pictures on it) and I always sink into the holiday mood immediately.
I love the sidewalk cafes and the feel of being a "tourist", the eyes that sees and appreciates things that citizens have taken for granted, and even if I had been to the same place before, it sends an air of nostaglia that brings forth the emotions of a first time ... I know I will fall in love all over again, with the place and the person I have been with for the past 4 years.
It is easy to take for granted, what we have in life because it is there, but we have been very lucky to indulge in positive appraisals of each other, so that the other is never left feeling unappreciated. I think this is an important ingredient to any relationship success and it applies to friendship as well. We have been honest and kind, and I have learnt so much, not only about relationships, but about life itself, and how much love we have within ourselves.
A person can inspire us to give more than they think they can. It's the mind that stops us with the "social norms" that there is a limit or we will get hurt, but the standard prevents us from moving ahead, from exploring the impossible and from ultimately achieving beyond. John is one such person to me, and I just wanted to say "Thank you once again for all the lovely times and the hard ones. I look forward to the next phase of our life and I love you dearly"!
I think we are very lucky to have each other and are able to feel this way because I know that there have been times in past relationships when the "honeymoon" was over, but we are able to sustain it this time. We are officially celebrating it in two weeks when we fly to Melbourne for a three day holiday and I am looking forward to it. Melbourne is a city that I fall in love over and over again whenever I am there. Maybe it's the Victorian structure of the city and even though it's about an hour and a half flight away, it has the feel of London/Europe (though I have not been there but have seen lots of pictures on it) and I always sink into the holiday mood immediately.
I love the sidewalk cafes and the feel of being a "tourist", the eyes that sees and appreciates things that citizens have taken for granted, and even if I had been to the same place before, it sends an air of nostaglia that brings forth the emotions of a first time ... I know I will fall in love all over again, with the place and the person I have been with for the past 4 years.
It is easy to take for granted, what we have in life because it is there, but we have been very lucky to indulge in positive appraisals of each other, so that the other is never left feeling unappreciated. I think this is an important ingredient to any relationship success and it applies to friendship as well. We have been honest and kind, and I have learnt so much, not only about relationships, but about life itself, and how much love we have within ourselves.
A person can inspire us to give more than they think they can. It's the mind that stops us with the "social norms" that there is a limit or we will get hurt, but the standard prevents us from moving ahead, from exploring the impossible and from ultimately achieving beyond. John is one such person to me, and I just wanted to say "Thank you once again for all the lovely times and the hard ones. I look forward to the next phase of our life and I love you dearly"!
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Sequel To Brokeback Mountain (10 Years After)
A beautiful sequel written by a person named Steven on another board for lovers of the movie. It was so moving that I just had to share it with all of you - a most fitting end to a classic:
JACK TWIST
Driving north was proving to be long and lonely.
Bobby had never really understood why his father, Jack Twist, was willing to make this 1400 mile trip two or three times a year. He knew that the attraction was not his grandparents up in Lightening Flat.
His daddy wasn't all that fond of going home, and had never once taken Bobby to meet them. Oddly enough, they never came to Texas either.
So much of his daddy's life had seemed mysterious to Bobby.
He knew one thing though; his daddy loved him, although he never said so--western men don't--, and he had loved his daddy. He still thought of him and missed him even though it was now ten years since his death.
Wyoming seemed to Bobby an awesome place. He was used to Texas where everything and everyone was bigger than life. Here in Wyoming everything really was big but seemed so tight, so claustrophobic. He felt the sense of something coming, but he didn't know what.
His mother, Lureen Newsome Twist, had died just three months earlier. Thankfully, the cancer had taken her quickly and she didn't suffer much. He always felt like she was so unhappy beneath it all. She was so successful with the company that they had become quite wealthy. She knew her way around a business—it was people she didn't seem to get, especially one Jack Twist.
Bobby remembered all the times with his daddy—riding in the tractors, riding horses, tutoring him for school (although Bobby realized he knew more about math than his daddy). Jack had a sense of life about him Bobby could not forget.
That was part of the reason he was making this trip. He needed to know his daddy better and now was finally the time.
When his mama was ill she had opened up more and told him many things. She told how she and Jack met at the rodeo and how part of the attraction had been that she knew her own daddy would hate him. She talked of her regret about doing that to Jack but also it was clear there was more to the story—she did love him and still did.
She proceeded to prove her love and her forgiveness for Jack in ways Bobby was yet to understand. After all, that was the unspoken purpose of this trip.
One day Lureen had instructed Bobby that he should go to meet his grandma, if she was still alive. She added, "You need to go to Riverton and look up Ennis Del Mar. He was your daddy's only real friend."
Riverton came first on the road so he decided to try to find Mr. Del Mar before going to Lightening Flat.
Riverton was a true "one horse" town. It was small, dusty and seemed lonesome sitting between the surrounding mountains. One small post office, one hotel and one grocery store.
He decided to ask at the grocery store if they knew of Mr. Del Mar. The store wasn't very busy but it was clean and neat, looked like it was lovingly cared for. He asked the cashier if she knew of Ennis. The cashier said she thought the manager just might.
She summoned over a beautiful woman in her mid twenties, blonde hair and deep brown eyes, who looked at the stranger and found herself immediately struck by him. He was tall, had deep brown hair and piercing blue eyes that both seemed to dance and be full of loneliness.
"Bobby Twist, ma'am. Pleased to meet you"
Jennifer hesitated, still a little stunned by the eyes of this Man, and "I'm Jennifer Del Mar. How can I help you?"
"Did you say Del Mar?" Bobby said, not believing his luck on both counts. "Do you know an Ennis Del Mar?"
"That's my daddy".
Jen felt her body fill with a kind of excitement but she didn't know why.
"Well, that's the man I'm looking for. I'm Jack Twist's son."
Jen suddenly felt a rush of feelings as she remembered thoughts of Jack Twist. It was a name she heard infrequently but often enough to remember. It had an odd energy attached to it. She knew her mama, Alma, didn't like to talk about him. He was a fishing buddy of daddy's.
“I remember meeting your daddy once—just for a few minutes—seemed like he just drove up and drove off again" said Jen, thinking of that time when Jack came up just after the divorce. She thought about how sad her daddy was after he saw Jack that day—she remembered he paced all night that night and didn't sleep. She had never seen him so unhappy.
"I would like to meet your daddy if I can", asked Bobby.
"Sure. Let me see if he is at the house. He is out visiting my sister and her kids. Your timing is good. He lives up in Lightening Flat. Usually up there."
***
When Ennis put down the phone, he looked as is he had seen a ghost. Alma Jr. asked, "Daddy what's wrong—was that Jen? Is everything O.K.?"
Ennis couldn't quite answer. He sat down and felt a rush of memories flood his awareness. He saw Jack standing before him like he looked on that first day they met. He saw the vision of what he believed happened to Jack in the end. He thought of the bloodstained shirts hanging in his house.
"Daddy?" asked Alma again.
She put her arm around him sensing something very upsetting. "Tell me what is going on".
Ennis' eyes filled with tears, but he refused to let them flow down his face.
"Jen is coming over and bringing someone, name of Bobby, Bobby Twist"
That was all he needed to say to Alma.
A long time ago she had put the carefully camouflaged pieces together and knew that Jack Twist was the love of her father's life, although she never told her daddy she knew.
"Oh daddy, are you OK?"
He could neither look at his daughter nor accept her compassion. It would be too much, even though he suspected that she knew and understood in some way—he had thought so for years, ever since she came up to Lightening Flat when Jack's mother passed.
Jack's son.
Ennis had wondered if he would ever know him. He longed to know how he was, to let him know that he was not alone in grieving his father.
Nevertheless, Ennis never could take the chance of intruding on Lureen's life. In addition, he was sure he wouldn't be welcome. For so long he had wanted to have this day come.
When Jen pulled up in Bobby's truck, Ennis's heart raced so hard he thought he was having some kind of attack, but he knew what his feelings were on this day, not like so many years before with Jack standing before him.
"Mr. Del Mar, I'm Bobby, Bobby Twist".
Ennis couldn't believe what he saw. It was like Jack standing before him. Bobby was so close to Jack physically that it stunned Ennis. He shook his hand and Bobby could feel Ennis shaking as he grasped his hand.
"I've been looking forward to meeting you. My mama told me you were my daddy's only true friend. It’s an honor to make your acquaintance."
Ennis knew Jack was somewhere, looking down, sending out a big "yeehaw!!”
"So you're that boy of Jack's". Ennis felt like he sounded stupid but he could barely talk.
They all went into the house, Alma got them some coffee, and they talked all together for a while, Alma taking the lead and Jenny catching on that they needed to help their daddy out.
Finally, Bobby asked about Ennis' life in Lightening Flat.
Ennis took a deep breath, "I live on what used to be your grandparent's ranch. Your grandmother gave it to me before she died".
"You know I never knew them, my grandparents".
“I know. Your grandma just hated that, but that was how it had to be", replied Ennis. He realized now that Jack was somewhere out there, behind all of this, bringing them together. He heard Jack's voice - “Be a daddy to my boy Ennis—you need each other".
***
They went to Lightening Flat together that next day.
Ennis had worked hard to pull the place together. He had done this in Jack's memory and to honor what he came to know was his deep, consuming love for Jack. That feeling was as strong now as it had ever been. If only he had realized that would be true when he had Jack alive and with him—"Jack, I swear…"
Somehow, Bobby came to understand all he needed to know about his father through Ennis. He also came to understand the truth about Ennis and Jack. He had no judgments and no recriminations to offer for he saw how true the love remained in Ennis' heart. And Bobby grew to love Ennis as he would a father.
Ennis put his heart and soul into being a father to Bobby and to taking care of the ranch. Bobby made sure Ennis had all he needed to make the ranch the best place it could be. For Bobby, this was to honor his grandparents, his daddy, and the man he came to understand loved his daddy more than life itself.
As the years passed, Bobby also found himself in love with Jenny. They married and had a boy named Jack Jr.—just as Ennis insisted, for they had tried to name him Ennis. The ranch ran well under their love and care. It became the showplace of how a ranch ought to be run in these parts. They were all proud.
Ennis died just after Jack Jr. turned ten.
He and Bobby took Ennis' ashes and the silver urn from the mantle that held Jack's remaining ashes and left for Brokeback Mountain. Ennis's will left them very specific directions to a spot that overlooked a campsite by a stream, long since unused.
Together they took the ashes, lovingly mixed them together for eternity and spread them just as Ennis directed.
As they did, Bobby and Jack Jr. saw two young cowboys on a hill in the distance ride away together, in a slow peaceful gait, with the sound of an off-key harmonica in the wind.
JACK TWIST
Driving north was proving to be long and lonely.
Bobby had never really understood why his father, Jack Twist, was willing to make this 1400 mile trip two or three times a year. He knew that the attraction was not his grandparents up in Lightening Flat.
His daddy wasn't all that fond of going home, and had never once taken Bobby to meet them. Oddly enough, they never came to Texas either.
So much of his daddy's life had seemed mysterious to Bobby.
He knew one thing though; his daddy loved him, although he never said so--western men don't--, and he had loved his daddy. He still thought of him and missed him even though it was now ten years since his death.
Wyoming seemed to Bobby an awesome place. He was used to Texas where everything and everyone was bigger than life. Here in Wyoming everything really was big but seemed so tight, so claustrophobic. He felt the sense of something coming, but he didn't know what.
His mother, Lureen Newsome Twist, had died just three months earlier. Thankfully, the cancer had taken her quickly and she didn't suffer much. He always felt like she was so unhappy beneath it all. She was so successful with the company that they had become quite wealthy. She knew her way around a business—it was people she didn't seem to get, especially one Jack Twist.
Bobby remembered all the times with his daddy—riding in the tractors, riding horses, tutoring him for school (although Bobby realized he knew more about math than his daddy). Jack had a sense of life about him Bobby could not forget.
That was part of the reason he was making this trip. He needed to know his daddy better and now was finally the time.
When his mama was ill she had opened up more and told him many things. She told how she and Jack met at the rodeo and how part of the attraction had been that she knew her own daddy would hate him. She talked of her regret about doing that to Jack but also it was clear there was more to the story—she did love him and still did.
She proceeded to prove her love and her forgiveness for Jack in ways Bobby was yet to understand. After all, that was the unspoken purpose of this trip.
One day Lureen had instructed Bobby that he should go to meet his grandma, if she was still alive. She added, "You need to go to Riverton and look up Ennis Del Mar. He was your daddy's only real friend."
Riverton came first on the road so he decided to try to find Mr. Del Mar before going to Lightening Flat.
Riverton was a true "one horse" town. It was small, dusty and seemed lonesome sitting between the surrounding mountains. One small post office, one hotel and one grocery store.
He decided to ask at the grocery store if they knew of Mr. Del Mar. The store wasn't very busy but it was clean and neat, looked like it was lovingly cared for. He asked the cashier if she knew of Ennis. The cashier said she thought the manager just might.
She summoned over a beautiful woman in her mid twenties, blonde hair and deep brown eyes, who looked at the stranger and found herself immediately struck by him. He was tall, had deep brown hair and piercing blue eyes that both seemed to dance and be full of loneliness.
"Bobby Twist, ma'am. Pleased to meet you"
Jennifer hesitated, still a little stunned by the eyes of this Man, and "I'm Jennifer Del Mar. How can I help you?"
"Did you say Del Mar?" Bobby said, not believing his luck on both counts. "Do you know an Ennis Del Mar?"
"That's my daddy".
Jen felt her body fill with a kind of excitement but she didn't know why.
"Well, that's the man I'm looking for. I'm Jack Twist's son."
Jen suddenly felt a rush of feelings as she remembered thoughts of Jack Twist. It was a name she heard infrequently but often enough to remember. It had an odd energy attached to it. She knew her mama, Alma, didn't like to talk about him. He was a fishing buddy of daddy's.
“I remember meeting your daddy once—just for a few minutes—seemed like he just drove up and drove off again" said Jen, thinking of that time when Jack came up just after the divorce. She thought about how sad her daddy was after he saw Jack that day—she remembered he paced all night that night and didn't sleep. She had never seen him so unhappy.
"I would like to meet your daddy if I can", asked Bobby.
"Sure. Let me see if he is at the house. He is out visiting my sister and her kids. Your timing is good. He lives up in Lightening Flat. Usually up there."
***
When Ennis put down the phone, he looked as is he had seen a ghost. Alma Jr. asked, "Daddy what's wrong—was that Jen? Is everything O.K.?"
Ennis couldn't quite answer. He sat down and felt a rush of memories flood his awareness. He saw Jack standing before him like he looked on that first day they met. He saw the vision of what he believed happened to Jack in the end. He thought of the bloodstained shirts hanging in his house.
"Daddy?" asked Alma again.
She put her arm around him sensing something very upsetting. "Tell me what is going on".
Ennis' eyes filled with tears, but he refused to let them flow down his face.
"Jen is coming over and bringing someone, name of Bobby, Bobby Twist"
That was all he needed to say to Alma.
A long time ago she had put the carefully camouflaged pieces together and knew that Jack Twist was the love of her father's life, although she never told her daddy she knew.
"Oh daddy, are you OK?"
He could neither look at his daughter nor accept her compassion. It would be too much, even though he suspected that she knew and understood in some way—he had thought so for years, ever since she came up to Lightening Flat when Jack's mother passed.
Jack's son.
Ennis had wondered if he would ever know him. He longed to know how he was, to let him know that he was not alone in grieving his father.
Nevertheless, Ennis never could take the chance of intruding on Lureen's life. In addition, he was sure he wouldn't be welcome. For so long he had wanted to have this day come.
When Jen pulled up in Bobby's truck, Ennis's heart raced so hard he thought he was having some kind of attack, but he knew what his feelings were on this day, not like so many years before with Jack standing before him.
"Mr. Del Mar, I'm Bobby, Bobby Twist".
Ennis couldn't believe what he saw. It was like Jack standing before him. Bobby was so close to Jack physically that it stunned Ennis. He shook his hand and Bobby could feel Ennis shaking as he grasped his hand.
"I've been looking forward to meeting you. My mama told me you were my daddy's only true friend. It’s an honor to make your acquaintance."
Ennis knew Jack was somewhere, looking down, sending out a big "yeehaw!!”
"So you're that boy of Jack's". Ennis felt like he sounded stupid but he could barely talk.
They all went into the house, Alma got them some coffee, and they talked all together for a while, Alma taking the lead and Jenny catching on that they needed to help their daddy out.
Finally, Bobby asked about Ennis' life in Lightening Flat.
Ennis took a deep breath, "I live on what used to be your grandparent's ranch. Your grandmother gave it to me before she died".
"You know I never knew them, my grandparents".
“I know. Your grandma just hated that, but that was how it had to be", replied Ennis. He realized now that Jack was somewhere out there, behind all of this, bringing them together. He heard Jack's voice - “Be a daddy to my boy Ennis—you need each other".
***
They went to Lightening Flat together that next day.
Ennis had worked hard to pull the place together. He had done this in Jack's memory and to honor what he came to know was his deep, consuming love for Jack. That feeling was as strong now as it had ever been. If only he had realized that would be true when he had Jack alive and with him—"Jack, I swear…"
Somehow, Bobby came to understand all he needed to know about his father through Ennis. He also came to understand the truth about Ennis and Jack. He had no judgments and no recriminations to offer for he saw how true the love remained in Ennis' heart. And Bobby grew to love Ennis as he would a father.
Ennis put his heart and soul into being a father to Bobby and to taking care of the ranch. Bobby made sure Ennis had all he needed to make the ranch the best place it could be. For Bobby, this was to honor his grandparents, his daddy, and the man he came to understand loved his daddy more than life itself.
As the years passed, Bobby also found himself in love with Jenny. They married and had a boy named Jack Jr.—just as Ennis insisted, for they had tried to name him Ennis. The ranch ran well under their love and care. It became the showplace of how a ranch ought to be run in these parts. They were all proud.
Ennis died just after Jack Jr. turned ten.
He and Bobby took Ennis' ashes and the silver urn from the mantle that held Jack's remaining ashes and left for Brokeback Mountain. Ennis's will left them very specific directions to a spot that overlooked a campsite by a stream, long since unused.
Together they took the ashes, lovingly mixed them together for eternity and spread them just as Ennis directed.
As they did, Bobby and Jack Jr. saw two young cowboys on a hill in the distance ride away together, in a slow peaceful gait, with the sound of an off-key harmonica in the wind.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Brokeback Mountain in a Nutshell
For those who have yet to watch this movie, here is a wonderful and moving introduction to it. For those like us, we have, it's a sad but beautiful reminder of what was and what could have been ...
Let it be a lesson to us all - don't let your true love pass you by. It's always better to know than to wonder ...
Let it be a lesson to us all - don't let your true love pass you by. It's always better to know than to wonder ...
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
Happy Birthday Leslie!!!
誕生日おめでとう!!
Happy Birthday my dearest friend. It is always so nice to hear from you and an even greater treasure when we get to speak. It has been a long time and it's great to know that you are doing so well because we are all so proud of you and your achievements. You continue to be an inspiration for us all!!
I will be sharing some old photos when I get home earlier but right now, I wanted to wish you all the best and happiness in all areas of your life. I couldn't wish it for a more deserving person! On top of that, I want to share what you shared about your new projects so that your fans will know what is going to happen very soon.
Besides photographing the new jacket for 松任谷由実's new album "A Girl in Summer", Leslie is currently working on his newest project "Superstars - We Are The Asian", which is an extensive feature starring 250 top Asian superstars, past and present. His workpage currently features around 130 names but they are still working on adding more soon. His friend and idol, 松任谷由実 will be writing for the book, and he has spent more than 160 days photographing these Asian superstars. At last count, there will be 130 from Japan, 50 from HK, 40 from Taiwan, and a few representatives from the other South East Asian regions. Each star will be given a 2 page spread and no favourtism will be shown because the setting and lighting will be the same for everyone. This will be the first of its kind in the world. His aim is to bring all these stars along to share the same vision with him, and I think it is a wonderful idea for him to showcase Asian talent and beauty to the world.
Leslie has disclosed that he is flying back to Tokyo and meeting Seiko Matsuda this weekend, when she flies back from NY to record her new album. He has approached Seiko about appearing in "Superstars" but Seiko wants to look at his portfolio and discuss more about the project before signing on. Like many other superstars, there is a concern that they might be outdone by someone else.
He also mentioned that he has approached Akina twice through her record producer (I can't remember the name) for this project and has twice been rejected by Akina. The reason for declining is that Akina has decided more than 10 years ago to stop participating in group projects and will only focus on mini-projects. Leslie said that even though he has not met her, "She is the most DIVA person I know." Thankfully, he does not hold any grudges against Akina because he knows that it is important for a star to stick to their principles and he respects that.
Akina has also came back and said that she is interested in being Leslie's model if he is interested in shooting individual projcts and Leslie has promised that he will do it definitely after this major feature. He is naturally disappointed because even Yuming-sama says "Of course Akina should be in it!" Even her "Primadam" co-star (not Kuroki Hitomi) but another female actress (who used to be professional ballerina), who is featured in "Superstars" has taken on the initiative and encouraged Akina to do it. She said that Akina is very nice off-screen but she wants to focus on acting well in this drama, and mini-projects for her fans. So, Leslie has given up on Akina appearing in "Superstars" even after I asked him to ask again.
Well, "Superstars" will be launched on 8th August, 5/6 years after his first picture book "Present". Leslie will be touring and holding exhibitions from August till December in 5 countries and I can't wait to be there congratuling him in person. Stay tuned ...
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Religion and Myself
I have never been brought up to be religious. Besides the usual offering of respects to our ancestors at home and the trips to the temple, I have never been exposed, like my Christian and Catholic counterparts, to weekly mass or scriptures, like the Bible. My parents were Taoists, or Buddhists, which is the more general term, and thankfully, in many ways, they never forced religion upon us. I will never forget what Mum said one day that we are allowed to eat hamburgers and beef products (due to restrictions from religious beliefs) because we are still too young to decide which religion we want to follow. Though they had some reservations when my brother deviated from the "family tradition" and became a Methodist, they were fine with it after a while.
Coming out hence, was not too a painful process as opposed to a struggle. Deep down, I had my suspicions for some time, and every time when someone acted upon it, I chose to shy away quickly and prevented anything remotely serious from going further. I was safe in my little haven. Imagining and creating little fantasies of me and someone desirable being together, little mundane things that heterosexual couples do, which I could live out in my dreams. Strangely, I never imagined about the sexual bits and I was happy just creating saccharine sentimental scenes. It was fun, safe but ultimately unfulfilling because it was not real. Behind these facades, I was happiest when I was living outside myself.
Australia allowed me the chance to fly. To adopt a totally new personality and take on a new approach in life. I could have chosen my familiar route, but I deviated. It was not an easy decision because many of my fantasies were crushed very quickly and my heart was broken a couple of times ... for real, but I would never ever trade these painful experiences to carry on living my fantasies. I was living for the first time. I was loving someone openly for the first time. I was having my heart officially broken and I could talk and cry over it with someone real for the first time. No more imaginary friends, no more scenes for me to fake. The pain was real and the experience was enriching.
Looking back today, I am rather thankful that I wasn't "bogged" down by more dilemmas like religion. I want to start off by saying that I don't have any problems with it. Like the Dalai Lama, I believe that there should be one religion for every single person because there is no one belief that suits everyone entirely. People need something to believe in and to hold on to, for faith and hope. If it makes them a better person, then I am all for it.
What I don't like that much are the interpretations that have been magnified. Religions usually preach about love and acceptance for everyone, but I find it ironic that it is those who teach/talk most about it, that are the worst offenders. Would there be the word "minority" if everyone just loved and accepted everyone for who they are. Would there be names to differentiate everyone according to class, system, colour, preference?
The reason why I am bringing religion into today's equation is because I have two close friends (maybe more that I don't know of) who are closeted homosexuals because homosexuality is at odds with their religious beliefs. Like most of their religious counterparts, they see it as a sin, and their "deviations" something that they will be punished for, when they finally meet God. I know of friends who have struggled with growing up, and found God who led them the way to being who they are today, and they are very grateful for this. The dilemma starts when they fear that this "sick" but irresistible homosexual thoughts will bring them down ultimately because that would be a totally unacceptable way to repay the God that redeemed them when they are down in the troughs. They can deny it all they want but their hearts know the truth. They may have come close to tasting the forbidden fruit and succumbed to such temptations, but when they bring themselves out of this "trap", they punish themselves even more. Like a merry go round, these events will "haunt" them again and again all over their lives.
Why is God always painted as mighty beings that we are fearful of? Why are we taught to love Him/Her but are only loved back when we do just as our religious scriptures prescribe? Any deviations and we become sinners and must be punished. Isn't the dilemma and the contemplation painful enough? Isn't living a lie miserable enough? Why do we want to make it easier to hate ourselves even more? Why would God create us to be who we are? Isn't it easier for everyone if we were just carbon copies of each other? Why can't they see that the God who rescued them with His/Her love and acceptance will do the same this time around?
Life is full of choices and contradictions. If anyone thinks that homosexuality is something that strikes like lightning, and we wake up one day with that limp wrist and thinking of living our lives with the same sex, then they are in for a rude shock. There are endless struggles within ourselves to accept and love ourselves for who we are. In our minds, we are so unlovable because we are different. I didn't need religion to let me know that it was not the accepted thing. I felt dirty, unwanted and unloved, not only by everyone else but also myself. I couldn't find a strand of love in me to accept and love myself for who I am. Why am I created this way? Why can't I feel the love for girls like everyone else? Why does everyone seem to pick on me? Do they know I'm gay? God! What if they find out? What will happen to me?
Why should anyone in their right mind want to live their lives around a big fat lie and subject ourselves to scrutiny and accusations? Do you think it was comfortable for us to lie constantly to our friends and family in the belief that somehow this lie will iron itself out as the truth and like lightning, we will become "normal" or "common", and we will find the love once again? Every time I chat with a friend or someone who is still closeted, all the memories flood back. I have been there, and I feel I can help, but I know that I can be defenseless against the mighty force. I have had discussions with some of my religious heterosexual friends, who accept and love me for who I am, and I am thankful that they can say that many of these "beliefs" are interpretations of man, and sometimes, power gets in the way of the over zealous leaders preaching their own agenda instead of God's true sermon.
In my mind and I do believe in the existence of God, I believe that if God created me for who I am, then I must be loved just like my other counterparts, no matter how different we are. I may make mistakes like most people do, but homosexuality is not a choice in life and hence not a mistake. The only choice, and I stress again, is honesty. To live an honest life and being true to myself. To accept and love myself for who I am, and only when I am at peace with that, can I feel God's love once again. God is approachable, like most religious people know, but not only when we are good. They are there when we are bad because when the guilt comes, it is when we need them more. Someone to believe in and who will let us know that we are fine. As long as we are not doing something that harms someone else, then we are not doing anything wrong.
There can be an interpretation that we are harming our family with our honesty but I do not see that. I understand that they have their dreams of seeing us leading the same path that most of them have walked on. The dreams of marriage, children and how happiness can only be achieved when we have all these "luxuries" in life. Yes, they are luxuries because they offer love and support, but if we can't even love ourselves, where will true love come for others? We have our own life and our own dreams to live and create. We cannot live our life fulfilling someone else's dream so that they can be happy while we are miserable. To live a dishonest life is one of the most miserable things in life. My parents may be unaware of my homosexuality because I have chosen not to confront this with them right now. It is in part the traditional Chinese/Asian way to keeping things peaceful but also that education about homosexuality and AIDS is not widely available in Singapore. There are still many misconceptions about the suicidal tendencies and the contraction of AIDS in the country and the strict gatekeepers do their jobs well. John constantly reminds me that it may be my "task" to educate them and all I can say now is "Someday ..." I am not living with them right now, so it would be unfair to lay it on my siblings to have to cop that inevitable rage and confusion.
Wwhat I want to say is that coming out, no matter how many times I do it, to friends and strangers, is still a struggle and painful decision to make. If it was accidentally exposed, it sets my heart beating 100, 1000, 1 million times faster because I am afraid. Fearful that I will not be loved and accepted. Afraid that all that good work that I have done and put into our friendship will just go down into the drain because they realise the fact that I am not who they think I am. Whether or not it is the fact that their dreams about me have been shattered or the dishonesty, I may never know. All I know is that it is painful but life goes on ... and most of the times, it gets better with time.
I love and treasure my family and my friends very much, so like many others, I shield my painful truth from them, but I know at the same time that there is no liberation. I can never be as free to be and that is the price I pay. For my two or more closeted friends, I feel your pain and your struggle. Though it is of less intensity, I want to be that ear and the light at the end of the tunnel for you. It is not going to be easy but each baby step that you take towards honesty makes life more bearable, and it can be easier than you think it is. Just think of being able to speak to everyone like you speak to me. To be loved and accepted by many others just like I have been subjected to.
It is this love and acceptance that has helped me grow and I am still taking little steps and learning everyday. I want to share this because I want to challenge mind sets. To allow people unlike us to understand the dilemmas and struggles we have to go through in life. For every decision they have to make, be it be a purchase or a life choice, be it facing an unwanted pregnancy, having kids when they didn't expect or any other life/death matter), I want you to know that we live this discomfort every day. It is not trivial because many people do think of death before coming out. Death is the easier choice because there is no life and consequence to live after the decision about honesty is made about our life.
You may not outwardly know anyone who is gay but they could be closeted. Hiding from you because they are afraid that they will not be accepted or loved by you. They could be very lonely and like anyone, just needs a smile and a hand of true honest friendship. We are all "hidden" amongst all of you, come in all sizes, shapes and colour, and do not cross dress most of the time. We do not all speak in high pitched voices or dress nicely or fashionably as well. However, like all your heterosexual counterparts and all living things, we need love. For my dear closeted friends, I just want to say that you are lovable. I love you just the way you are, no matter how bad you think you are and how no one can love you in that state, I am there.
I still have my journey to walk on but I am less afraid because not only do I have the love and acceptance of my dear friends and some family members, but more importantly, from myself. It is only when I have cleared the muddy space in my heart that love can grow once again ...
Coming out hence, was not too a painful process as opposed to a struggle. Deep down, I had my suspicions for some time, and every time when someone acted upon it, I chose to shy away quickly and prevented anything remotely serious from going further. I was safe in my little haven. Imagining and creating little fantasies of me and someone desirable being together, little mundane things that heterosexual couples do, which I could live out in my dreams. Strangely, I never imagined about the sexual bits and I was happy just creating saccharine sentimental scenes. It was fun, safe but ultimately unfulfilling because it was not real. Behind these facades, I was happiest when I was living outside myself.
Australia allowed me the chance to fly. To adopt a totally new personality and take on a new approach in life. I could have chosen my familiar route, but I deviated. It was not an easy decision because many of my fantasies were crushed very quickly and my heart was broken a couple of times ... for real, but I would never ever trade these painful experiences to carry on living my fantasies. I was living for the first time. I was loving someone openly for the first time. I was having my heart officially broken and I could talk and cry over it with someone real for the first time. No more imaginary friends, no more scenes for me to fake. The pain was real and the experience was enriching.
Looking back today, I am rather thankful that I wasn't "bogged" down by more dilemmas like religion. I want to start off by saying that I don't have any problems with it. Like the Dalai Lama, I believe that there should be one religion for every single person because there is no one belief that suits everyone entirely. People need something to believe in and to hold on to, for faith and hope. If it makes them a better person, then I am all for it.
What I don't like that much are the interpretations that have been magnified. Religions usually preach about love and acceptance for everyone, but I find it ironic that it is those who teach/talk most about it, that are the worst offenders. Would there be the word "minority" if everyone just loved and accepted everyone for who they are. Would there be names to differentiate everyone according to class, system, colour, preference?
The reason why I am bringing religion into today's equation is because I have two close friends (maybe more that I don't know of) who are closeted homosexuals because homosexuality is at odds with their religious beliefs. Like most of their religious counterparts, they see it as a sin, and their "deviations" something that they will be punished for, when they finally meet God. I know of friends who have struggled with growing up, and found God who led them the way to being who they are today, and they are very grateful for this. The dilemma starts when they fear that this "sick" but irresistible homosexual thoughts will bring them down ultimately because that would be a totally unacceptable way to repay the God that redeemed them when they are down in the troughs. They can deny it all they want but their hearts know the truth. They may have come close to tasting the forbidden fruit and succumbed to such temptations, but when they bring themselves out of this "trap", they punish themselves even more. Like a merry go round, these events will "haunt" them again and again all over their lives.
Why is God always painted as mighty beings that we are fearful of? Why are we taught to love Him/Her but are only loved back when we do just as our religious scriptures prescribe? Any deviations and we become sinners and must be punished. Isn't the dilemma and the contemplation painful enough? Isn't living a lie miserable enough? Why do we want to make it easier to hate ourselves even more? Why would God create us to be who we are? Isn't it easier for everyone if we were just carbon copies of each other? Why can't they see that the God who rescued them with His/Her love and acceptance will do the same this time around?
Life is full of choices and contradictions. If anyone thinks that homosexuality is something that strikes like lightning, and we wake up one day with that limp wrist and thinking of living our lives with the same sex, then they are in for a rude shock. There are endless struggles within ourselves to accept and love ourselves for who we are. In our minds, we are so unlovable because we are different. I didn't need religion to let me know that it was not the accepted thing. I felt dirty, unwanted and unloved, not only by everyone else but also myself. I couldn't find a strand of love in me to accept and love myself for who I am. Why am I created this way? Why can't I feel the love for girls like everyone else? Why does everyone seem to pick on me? Do they know I'm gay? God! What if they find out? What will happen to me?
Why should anyone in their right mind want to live their lives around a big fat lie and subject ourselves to scrutiny and accusations? Do you think it was comfortable for us to lie constantly to our friends and family in the belief that somehow this lie will iron itself out as the truth and like lightning, we will become "normal" or "common", and we will find the love once again? Every time I chat with a friend or someone who is still closeted, all the memories flood back. I have been there, and I feel I can help, but I know that I can be defenseless against the mighty force. I have had discussions with some of my religious heterosexual friends, who accept and love me for who I am, and I am thankful that they can say that many of these "beliefs" are interpretations of man, and sometimes, power gets in the way of the over zealous leaders preaching their own agenda instead of God's true sermon.
In my mind and I do believe in the existence of God, I believe that if God created me for who I am, then I must be loved just like my other counterparts, no matter how different we are. I may make mistakes like most people do, but homosexuality is not a choice in life and hence not a mistake. The only choice, and I stress again, is honesty. To live an honest life and being true to myself. To accept and love myself for who I am, and only when I am at peace with that, can I feel God's love once again. God is approachable, like most religious people know, but not only when we are good. They are there when we are bad because when the guilt comes, it is when we need them more. Someone to believe in and who will let us know that we are fine. As long as we are not doing something that harms someone else, then we are not doing anything wrong.
There can be an interpretation that we are harming our family with our honesty but I do not see that. I understand that they have their dreams of seeing us leading the same path that most of them have walked on. The dreams of marriage, children and how happiness can only be achieved when we have all these "luxuries" in life. Yes, they are luxuries because they offer love and support, but if we can't even love ourselves, where will true love come for others? We have our own life and our own dreams to live and create. We cannot live our life fulfilling someone else's dream so that they can be happy while we are miserable. To live a dishonest life is one of the most miserable things in life. My parents may be unaware of my homosexuality because I have chosen not to confront this with them right now. It is in part the traditional Chinese/Asian way to keeping things peaceful but also that education about homosexuality and AIDS is not widely available in Singapore. There are still many misconceptions about the suicidal tendencies and the contraction of AIDS in the country and the strict gatekeepers do their jobs well. John constantly reminds me that it may be my "task" to educate them and all I can say now is "Someday ..." I am not living with them right now, so it would be unfair to lay it on my siblings to have to cop that inevitable rage and confusion.
Wwhat I want to say is that coming out, no matter how many times I do it, to friends and strangers, is still a struggle and painful decision to make. If it was accidentally exposed, it sets my heart beating 100, 1000, 1 million times faster because I am afraid. Fearful that I will not be loved and accepted. Afraid that all that good work that I have done and put into our friendship will just go down into the drain because they realise the fact that I am not who they think I am. Whether or not it is the fact that their dreams about me have been shattered or the dishonesty, I may never know. All I know is that it is painful but life goes on ... and most of the times, it gets better with time.
I love and treasure my family and my friends very much, so like many others, I shield my painful truth from them, but I know at the same time that there is no liberation. I can never be as free to be and that is the price I pay. For my two or more closeted friends, I feel your pain and your struggle. Though it is of less intensity, I want to be that ear and the light at the end of the tunnel for you. It is not going to be easy but each baby step that you take towards honesty makes life more bearable, and it can be easier than you think it is. Just think of being able to speak to everyone like you speak to me. To be loved and accepted by many others just like I have been subjected to.
It is this love and acceptance that has helped me grow and I am still taking little steps and learning everyday. I want to share this because I want to challenge mind sets. To allow people unlike us to understand the dilemmas and struggles we have to go through in life. For every decision they have to make, be it be a purchase or a life choice, be it facing an unwanted pregnancy, having kids when they didn't expect or any other life/death matter), I want you to know that we live this discomfort every day. It is not trivial because many people do think of death before coming out. Death is the easier choice because there is no life and consequence to live after the decision about honesty is made about our life.
You may not outwardly know anyone who is gay but they could be closeted. Hiding from you because they are afraid that they will not be accepted or loved by you. They could be very lonely and like anyone, just needs a smile and a hand of true honest friendship. We are all "hidden" amongst all of you, come in all sizes, shapes and colour, and do not cross dress most of the time. We do not all speak in high pitched voices or dress nicely or fashionably as well. However, like all your heterosexual counterparts and all living things, we need love. For my dear closeted friends, I just want to say that you are lovable. I love you just the way you are, no matter how bad you think you are and how no one can love you in that state, I am there.
I still have my journey to walk on but I am less afraid because not only do I have the love and acceptance of my dear friends and some family members, but more importantly, from myself. It is only when I have cleared the muddy space in my heart that love can grow once again ...
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