My Brother

There is something quite special about the bond that brothers share, which can transform from idolship to sibling rivalry to even best friends. It is not exactly the same as it is with brother and sister, because there is always a part of me that wants to take care of my sister, not in the same way as I would with my brother. It's a more masculine relationship, and though we might not necessarily fight, compliments and gratitude do not flow in the same natural fashion from one to another. I found that for me, we have to learn it when we speak to someone else about our brothers,

It is with boredom last night that I decided to watch my first Korean movie. My friends and family (like most of Asia now) have been swamped with Korean dramas and movies, but I have been a laggard, only succumbing a week's ago by Korean actor Won Bin's boyish charm. When I was back in Singapore, a friend had recommended this movie "My Brother" saying that it was quite good, but I didn't really act on it till a few weeks ago when it was placed in the specials bin.

In a typical story about two brothers brought up by their mother, there are many surprises along the way. The elder brother, Sung-Hyun (Shin Ha-kyun), is born hare-lipped and the mother works hard to afford him through operations to cure him. He is studious but timid. In expressing her biased love for the older boy because of his "imperfection", she openly neglects her younger son, Jong-Hyun (Won Bin) and he turns out, not surprisingly, to be stronger and rebellious. As they step through adolescence and their teenage years trying to discover themselves, they naturally grow further apart because of their differences. It takes a freak incident of their mother losing her savings to bring them closer together, understanding the sacrifices that they both make for each other, and why their mother so strongly favoured one over the other. The story might be familiar but there is surprisingly no romance, which makes for a fresh change and both actors give rather polished performances for their relative young ages, eliciting shared emotions from the viewers as well, making it a rather personal and enjoyable experience for me.

One of the most poignant scenes is when the elder brother wants his younger brother to call him "brother" once again but the wilful boy doesn't. Watching this movie reminded me of my relationship with my brother. Like them, we share a closer connection to our mother, and though our mother was not that biased, I could always tell that Julian was the apple of her eye. I didn't feel inferior or jealous, but there were few incidents along the way that made me feel like the younger (more disadvantaged) brother in the movie. On the same note, I might not see the different perception that my brother might have on my mother's "preferential" treatment towards me as well.

Julian and I moved through stages. I remember him when he was a little boy (there is a 4 year age gap) and how I would love to kiss him because he was so cute when he was a boy (and my parents were the kissy sort). He would in turn end up scratching my face, ending up with scars on my face as I grew up. He never "indulged" in hero-worship, or would not comment on it like my sister did, because I think he was terribly private, even when he was younger. We didn't fight like most brothers do, but we would do things to irritate the shits out of each other, like slapping each other for no reason and telling lies like brothers sometimes do to parents, so that the other would get into trouble. Then, he became a Christian, parted and we went different ways.

It was only through us living in Australia outside the family, that we were acquainted once again and this sharing allowed us to rekindle and redevelop the brotherhood bond that I felt never hit puberty. For the first time, I was matured enough to realise that it was my big opportunity, not only to do my part as a brother, but also to show how much I care for him. I believe that my independence in Australia and my personal acceptance for who I am allowed me to be comfortable enough to show my love. Though we would not be kissing, hugging or touching each other because I respect his privacy (that hasn't changed), I feel that through the years that we lived together, I knew him as a person instead of just my brother.

Now that he is back in Singapore and away, and in some respects, I know we will never be as closed again, I am happy we had those days together. People who really know us understand that we are poles apart, me for my openness and my emotional being, and him being very private, but I think in spite of the differences (just like the two brothers in the movie), there are many unspoken sacrifices, love and admiration for each other.

I used to grow up with him calling me "brother (哥哥)", but as we grow older, it has now changed to just "James". In some ways, it is a maturing process, but to me it is less endearing. It is interesting that Asian cultures preserve this tradition of having terms for everyone, instead of just using our names, as if it is a replacement for hugs and kisses that our Western counterparts present.

It's not that names necessarily mean anything significant but just like the elder brother in the movie, I wish he would address me as brother once again.

Jpop Blog - 80's Favourite Music

80's Japanese Music

Just wanted to introduce a blog that I have been visiting quite a bit recently because of its nostalgic value. Since 80's Jpop is the music of "my era", I was naturaly quite tickled by the diverse artistes that this blog actually covers.

It is not only a way to revisit the old songs and cover arts, but also a great way for me to improve my Japanese. Usually, I'm a little too impatient and will read only the kanji and try to decipher the entire message. Being something that is of interest, I find myself taking the time not only to read the editor's comments about each single/album, but also the comments left by the "fans". Sometimes I understand, sometimes I don't, just like my agreements with the coments.

My Japanese is not up to scratch to reply there, but it has been a nice journey. Incidentally, the artiste with the most number of posts that he has written on is not surprisingly, Akina. I hope you will enjoy this blog as much as I did.

落花流水

Even though most of my "comrades" at Happy Hamu and VAMP has been very diligent at updating the exciting new Akina news, I still feel that I must express my joy at Akina's upcoming releases.

Her new single 「落花流水」& new concert DVD「Empress Live」(which I watched this year) will be released on 7th December and 11th January 2006 respectively. After all that hiding and teasing, I am happy that she is finally working on bringing us continued joy.

There are various rumours at this stage about the single being the theme song of a period drama in 2006 and the DVD being released by a major record company, but Faithway, the fanclub, wants all fans to believe on the news distributed by them.

However, knowing how slow they are, except for this exclusive image, fervent Akina fans are continually searching the internet for more clues on the new release. As we wait with bated breath, we all pray that this new single will bring her the success she has once tasted again in 2002.

On other news, today is the last day for 【紅白スキウタ】. A couple of us fans have placed our votes and now that the mid-term results has shown us that glimmer of hope, we are certainly praying that she will be invited this year to sing "Desire" again. Incidentally, the "rumoured" coupling song for 「落花流水」is an umpteenth remix version of「Desire」 . Some has viewed this as a good sign that she will indeed sing「Desire」 at 【紅白】 this year but I sincerely hope that she will sing the original version, unless the remix is so superb. Nonetheless, this is one of the most wonderful news to have greeted us so far. Till we find out more ...

Unbalance + Balance

I think my blog has been getting a bit too serious of late, so I thought I might balance it up with something funny that I saw off a blog of a friend of a friend. We have all been there but I think it takes guts to give an answer like this to an exam question:



Now, why didn't I think of it first ...

An Overwhelming Exercise

Right now, as I am writing this, my heart is still trembling ... It is not a bad feeling, just that I had thrown myself out into the abyss, and came back with an unexpected pot of gold.

I chose to be brave today ... to risk my newly rejuvenated friendship with this friend that I just wrote about, and decided to be honest about myself and come out. It really isn't any easier, even though I have been experiencing more of these episodes recently, because every new person is another individual with totally different sets of characteristics and values. It just doesn't get any easier.

I understood that he was religious and my revelation would be in conflict with the beliefs, but I just had to take the risk. I could have chosen to sugar coat every line and fact of my life (like I do with new strangers and some friends) but I am increasingly hating to lie and substitute he for she, his for her. So, I chose to come from the heart and stress on the importance of honesty in relationships.

As I anxiously paced in my heart for the reply, I was astonished to realise that he totally understood what I was going through and his empathy for me was rather overwhelming. His understanding and acceptance of me and his personal revelations has elevated our relating to each other to another level, and it wouldn't have been possible if I had chosen to be a coward on this occasion.

It was not an easy decision for me to write that email to him because I didn't necessarily want any more dramas, and like any "new" relationships, there was still plenty of areas to test, but I couldn't be happier with the end result.We all have our journeys to walk on, and some are tough while others have an easier time. I believe that the tougher roads only serve to make us stronger and better.

I realised that by taking this big step (for both of us), we learn to forgive that part of ourselves that can be the most self critical and serve it a blow. I am thankful I do not have a religion that confines me to certain rules but I respect everyone's choice. I have some gay friends who are religious and they face the extra conflict that I don't. Some of them have forsaken their religion, so that they can be who they are. Others have chosen to reconcile or continue to hide behind it. To me, God is loving, accepting and forgiving, and the love is not only confined to colour, status, sexual preferences or any other human condemning differences.

My true life journey has probably just started and with each painful challenge comes a revelation and a new discovery. Strength to build on to move on farther down the road. Now, I can only teach myself to continue loving, caring, accepting, respecting ...

Lost and Found - What Goes Around Comes Around -

I lost a best friend once, but now I found him again ... and the magical thing is that even though our lives have been running parallel for around 10 years, the love between us has never diminished and we moved on from the point that we left it.

I lost my phone book when I went back to Singapore for the first time in almost 3 years in 2000., since arriving in Australia. It was a great loss, not only because of all the contact phone numbers which I had not backed up, but also the little notes that I wrote in there to remind myself of the pain of losing someone. At that time, I still had my core contacts via email, so I didn't worry too much, but there was a particular friend that I missed, and miraculously, through a dream he had, that brought me back to him, we reconnected.

After going through all possible avenues to try to contact me (even trying websites to see if somehow I had gained fame), he wrote a letter to my home address and my kind brother Julian, typed it out for me. I screamed for joy when I saw the letter and the memories flowed ... I had missed him a lot.

The reunion was bitter-sweet. Bitter because of all those lost years but sweet because the connection we had, had not faded. It is so wonderful to find something that we lost once, and so good to know that our core values have kept our hearts together.

In his latest email, he "returned" a poem that I sent him almost 10 years ago on the 3rd April 1996. I had forgotten how much I loved that poem, but then it is probably because I have it ingrained in my everyday life, I live and breathe it. It was and still is a wonderful gift and like he said, it is time for it to resurface again.

Friendships lie on my very core and my relationships define who I am. I am proud of every relationship I have with my family and friends and if I don't say it enough, I just want to say "I love you all" once again ...

Around The Corner: By Henson Towne

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I like him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.
And he rang mine
if, we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.
"Tomorrow" I say "I will call on Jim"
"Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.
Around the corner!- yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir"
"Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

Remember to always say what you mean. If you love someone, tell them. Don't be afraid to express yourself. Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you. Because when you decide that it is the right time, it might be too late. Seize the day. Never have regrets. And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped make you the person that you are today. It doesn't have to be the kind of boy-girl type of love, it may be the friendship that you treasure and the love that you have for your family members and relatives. Somewhere in time, you will feel regrets of not telling someone that you've lost, how much you love them. So, don't let that happen to you.

I don't think I wrote the above passage, but like I said before, I must have it ingrained in my life. It was probably during a time when I faced the possibility of losing my grandma, which opened my eyes to the importance of expressing love whenever we find the chance. Now, I hug my parents every single time I see them, and it leaves a very special feeling in all of us. If there is one fear that you must conquer in your life, let it be saying "I love you" ...

A Good Catch

I guess it's as good a compliment when someone says "He's a good catch". It was paid by a new friend of ours who had flown from the States on a holiday and hooked up with us and it was funny that John should reply "And he knows it."

Ha! Ha! Do I know that I am one? I guess deep down, honestly, "Yes", but then I did work hard at it. It can also be rather subjective because everyone has different needs and may perceive a "good catch" as something/someone totally different, but I am happy because I believe it was a compliment on my values and attributes than the physical sense.

It is true that we have to take care of our outer being which is physicality, but I strongly believe that what is more important is what lies beneath, and that is what I worked twice as hard. There is nothing much that we can do with our physical attributes because a lot of that is god-given, and we can argue that we can artificially enhance them through cosmetic surgery. I am not against it because God knows I would like to be taller, but that is not what wins friends, lovers or respect. We can do everything to look our best but that is sometimes just a facade for the insecurities we feel beneath. To me, it is more important to be comfortable in our own skin.

For me, I was lucky to be introduced to self development courses and open my heart and mind enough to be sceptical enough at first, but not to ignore and recognise the benefits that it could bring to my life and my insecurities. I don't think we can ever get rid of them and I don't want to because it is all part of being human ... to feel, but it is important to recognise ...

Knowledge and recognition are the keywords because we cannot change/improve what we don't know. To know what kind of a person I wanted to be (not career wise), but how I wanted to be, and take on the actions that would ascertain that. I am still fearful because they can all be challenges but then we will never be, if we don't.

In all relationships, be it friendships, kinships, couple hood, every step is a learning challenge and it is important to learn from our failures to make us stronger and better. To not be jaded and cynical after all the challenges is what I aim to be. So, do we all have the capabilities to be a good catch? Absolutely, but only if we work on it and knowing it certainly helps. Sweetness from life comes from hard work and the appreciation of what dreams can bring.

The Tall and Short of Irony

I take the same bus to work everyday and alight at the same stop with a lady dwarf or what someone would call a pigmy. The only other person I sort of know which is also a dwarf is a brother of a classmate at primary school. Then, since we were all growing up and taller, it didn't make too much a difference but then, I still remember him attracting stares from everyone. I also remember that he had a strong presence. It could be a facade but he held it well, ready to challenge anyone who was ready to tease.

I just started noticing this lady recently, especially once when she kindly gestured me to move ahead of her during alighting in a crowded bus. She also had that strong presence, and she seemed comfortable with the stares that people were probably donating her way. There was a part of me that has always felt like reaching out to more "disadvantaged" people, like picking the quietest in the group and speaking to them, and acts like this, but I didn't do it here.

Today, as I stepped out of the train, I noticed a lady who was towering over everyone. She was easily 2.3 m tall with a huge bone structure which easily attracted everyone's attention. I felt a little guilty for staring , maybe I was trying to see if she was a drag queen to start off with, but I quickly dispelled it, and was more interested to see how she perceived all the attention she received. She had a poker face but I could see that she was probably more uncomfortable than the dwarf is. She looked like she wished that people would not see her as a "freak" (especially when I passed by some schoolgirls who exclaimed "Wow!"), and she looked smaller than she was.

A part of me wanted to go over and say "I know how you feel", but then I don't ... really. What right do we have to walk over and say things like that? They are after all, perfectly normal human beings. We all have our imperfections, natural and cultivated. Thankfully, for most of us, it is ingrained in our behaviours or preferences, and not as glaring physically, so we might not "stand out" as easily, but still, we have our differences, and why should we be judged because of these.

I wondered if it could be compared to celebrities and all that attention, both of which could be unwanted. I know how uncomfortable I would feel in their shoes and would need to build my character strong to withstand this everyday. Maybe they are the lucky ones, because they have a physical reminder to do so, while some of us idle away and whittle at every challenge presented. I know how many people dread losing one of their senses or our limbs as if that will be the downfall and the end of our lives. We tend to forget how strong these people can actually be ... even more than those who are perfectly "normal" or common, and that is a lesson to learn.

Love and Relationships

*Photo courtesy of HarryD*

I was having an interesting email discussion with a Canadian friend this morning about love and relationships, listening to him write about his desire of having a deep and meaningful relationship with someone, which echoed my own feelings. He talked about gay guys not wanting to develop a friendship first, where their main concern is physical and how he doesn't just want that. He wants a real relationship which is emotional and sharing and loving and able to face the positive and negative aspects of relating to another human being. This requires more than a shallow relationship and that he does not want.

I realised that as I re-read these sentences that it is fundamentally what most of us want, not only from our lovers, but also from the important people in our lives. It is usually framed in a lovers perspective because they are the ones that will be there for us, fundamentally all along the way, or as romantic novels phrase ... down into the sunset ...

Since we shared similar values on love and relationship, I felt empathy for him and for anyone who feels that way about love and relationships. I have come a longer way and I wanted to share my own experiences here ...

And so I wrote, like you, I was waiting for someone to come and sweep me off my feet, just like those romantic novels, gay or straight. I didn't want to go to bars to meet anyone because somehow I felt them unworthy of me. I wanted to bump into them on my way to anyway, at the library, on the shopping aisles, anywhere but the venues where gay men pick up.

After all, I wanted to fall in love and didn't just want to engage in the shallow acts of sex, which the community seemed to be easily tagged with. With beats, saunas and all the stories you hear about sex venues, who could blame us for believing that gay love is all about free sex and the careless mind. I voted consciously when I first came out to be different. I judged and I prayed that I would not fall prey to such temptation. I didn't want easy sex. I wanted to make love and wanted to be made love too ... so I put myself on a pedestal ... so high that no one came around, and I wondered why?
There are not many places to meet gay men, and at that time, internet dating wasn't popular. I wasn't interested in online chatting because that seemed like another avenue to gain anonymous sex. So, tied with little options, I eventually went to some bars. I didn't feel like I was betraying my beliefs then because I was looking for a friendly face, one that spoke of true interest in me as a human being, not of pure sexual lust. Of course, I soon realised that it was not the place to be, and that not everyone who put sex before conversation was a bad person. I soon realised that many of my close friends were the "demons" I pictured in my head, and I loved them for who they are. They are still nice people after all. So, I set out a change. A change in me to stop judging people just because they have different needs and priorities from me. They are no less desirable just because they want sex on the first date or just prefer sex than having deep and meaningful relationships. If we all wanted the same thing, then the world would not be as colourful as it is. We would probably have more therapists to help fix all the relationship problems we have too.

We all need some comfort and loving sometimes, which is why we have designed places where we can find them. Sometimes, we can hold a stranger and for moments, fantasize that we are in love. Sometimes, this is the first step towards a relationship. Others, we can just walk away having our needs for belongingness met. The most important thing is to know what you want and how to get it. The gay world operates on a different level where sex is viewed as less of a taboo, so we can express ourselves more freely and sexually, and there's nothing to say or indicate that one cannot start a relationship by having sex first. I have a few friends who met their respective partners that way and they are still together . So, relationships that start with sexual encounters do work.

We have been living by certain rules that bind us to certain guidelines, which can be too restrictive. I respect your views and I know how you feel, but sometimes, I think we need to step down and enjoy life, love and perhaps even sex in a fun yet honest manner.

We all have needs and the best way we can approach it is to be honest about them. That is the first place to start. I believe that if we start off the wrong ground and prefer to play games, then we are going to get nowhere. With every relationship failure, we blame sometimes ourselves and build walls to ward off anyone ever hurting us that way again, but we are the ones that lose out eventually because we desire to love and be loved. So, the only way is to open our hearts and take whatever comes along.

I have been through a few hardships, but I learn from every lesson and I make sure that I stand strong and love myself more after each time, because if I can't love myself, who's going to be able to love me. Some might say I have been lucky to find that one special person, but I believe I grew up in the process of heartbreaks as well. Learning to accept and to love all the good and the bad times, accepting that they are all part and parcel of life. The roller coaster ride ...

He also spoke about monogamous relationships and if that is only fictional. For me, an avid reader and lover of romantic movies and novels, I like to say Yes, but it will take a lot of determination, communication and design. For what is monogamy? A wrong and a right? I have learned that it is up to us to design the relationships that we want. To be honest in the relationship and state what we both want, and make compromises, so that we are both happy with the end result that we have. We both grow in the relationship and the needs will change, so the design will need to be flexible. Relationships are difficult things, and sometimes when we feel the hard times, we wished that we are single because it is unbinding, but relationships are useful for helping us understand ourselves more as well, if we both put in the work.

Reflecting on these life experiences made me realise how much I had grown in my view of love and relationships. The fundamentals have remained but with time and education, I am less judgmental, more accepting and definitely more keen to try on new adventures. Life is a wonderful journey with love as a fundamental. Relationships and friendships help add the colour to every chapter ...

Mother Teresa

What does it take for one to be someone as wonderful as Mother Teresa? She was probably just as human as you and I, but the love that she had in her inspires. When God took her away, we lost an important voice preaching of empathy ...

What we have today in the world, are endless technological advances to help improve our life, designs to help us communicate with more strangers in the world, images to enjoy and appreciate, immediate news to educate, but yet we are losing our basic values of empathy.

As I lay engrossed in my new wonderful book "My Life So Far" by the incredible Jane Fonda, I am reminded of the wars that Ms Fonda has been through, fighting for the end of the Vietnam war, and being misunderstood for being unpatriotic because she wanted to end the war. I have been through some wars, not actively fighting in it, but against the latest, through the peace marches that were held in Sydney before the Iraq War started. Many have compared it to Vietnam, which I can only recollect through images on film, but in any war, there are only losers, no winners. There are people who lose their lives, their families, their loves ...



One quote in the book stands out:

"The problem with the world is that we draw the circle of our family too small" - Mother Teresa

Jane Fonda adds:

"There must be a stepping back, a looking at the big picture. Stepping back is hard when your life has been traumatised and hatred has built up against the "enemy" and against those who opposed the war and seemed to have sided with the enemy. This is why wars begun unnecessarily and for the wrong reasons - like the one we are fighting in Iraq as I write this - develop a momentum of revenge and justification. We have to keep going. Our men and women can't have died in vain. The people on the other side are truly evil. If we pull out now, we'll lose our credibility. Better to continue to send Americans to fight and perhaps die than to say we made a mistake."

I stand guilty on Mother Teresa's quote that we draw the lines of family too small, but I know I am not alone. I may not love the next stranger as much as I love my friends and my family, but I believe I practise empathy for all people. Most humans have empathy for the less fortunate, but sometimes, we can only seem to stomach them in small batches. The tragedy of 9/11, Bali, Tsunami, New Orleans and now the earthquakes in India and Pakistan all brought forth the best in mankind. The uniform tears for the tragedies and the numerous fundraising events, but these are "small" incidents as opposed to everyday poverty and AIDS in the world. There was the infamous ad about the number of people dying of these "causes" that had to be pulled out because it was too confronting to the governments and the superpowers of the world to react to them. When will people start realising that AIDS is no longer a gay man's disease but an epidemic in impoverished countries like Africa and is rapidly spreading to developing countries all around the world who are too poor to afford the advanced medical supplies to help sustain life.

An article linking AIDS and poverty: http://www.makepovertyhistory.org/whatwewant/povertyaids.shtml

I am not asking you to cradle an AIDS infected baby like Princess Diana did, but the world can do with a lot of less prejudice and more love, empathy and awareness. We look at the number of people who died and we sigh. I think we sometimes fail to think that like you and I, they have feelings and they have loved ones and they have families who are going to mourn their loss as much as we would. Not only for the dead but also for those suffering from poverty and the innocent Iraqis suffering the effects of war. Maybe even the soldiers who are fighting in Iraq that may not like what they are doing, but are helpless. We don't get to see many images because we are shielded from the effects of the war, but we can imagine what it would feel like if it happened to us, and hence empathy settles ...

If we are too withdrawn from these issues because we live in developed countries, we can look into our daily lives to see how we exclude people. Just my everyday trip to and from work can easily show how selfish people are sometimes. On overcrowded trains or buses, people like to stand near the exits even when they are not due to alight till much later. I feel like screaming at them to get moving or people who hog onto two seats with their "fat asses" to spare a thought, but I don't want to be one of those angry people, so I know though I am empathising, I am not doing my part. I want to tell them that we are just all as eager as they are to get home and we all have families or someone to get home to, as much as they do.

We have to look within us to find the Mother Teresa within. I do volunteer work because I love to help the less fortunate (than I am) to have a better life, but sometimes, I wonder if people will not donate or attend a fundraiser only if there is a major drawcard like a celebrity attached to it, to glamorise the whole cause. This defeats the whole purpose to charitable work (not the celebrities fault but sometimes ours) where the point of it is to educate, increase awareness and assist. The glamour of the position does not attract me but the smiles from those affected does. It is this power of influence that I am interested in, not in the power of control.

Like many, I feel small and insignificant sometimes, but I will never cease to speak up for my rights. In a land that I now choose to call my home, there are still many issues that we can sometimes feel helpless about, but speaking about it in public forums like this and having discussions, will hopefully increase awareness, and the importance of empathy. We need to be aware in order to be able to form an opinion. Like many of you, I used to hide behind and listen when people talk about politics or I choose to walk away because politics is too difficult, or it is not for me. Little was I aware of how infectious it is, and how my daily life options can be limited by this lack of knowledge and opinion. I was dumb then but I want to educate now. It is important for us to read and listen, and for us to discuss as objectively as possible (with facts), so that we can recognise injustice and speak against it when it occurs. In the process, we become stronger and better human beings, and hopefully create awareness amongst the ignorant.

I believe the ongoing natural disasters are a sign that we (or the superpowers) have become heartless and we need a leader who can truly inspire us to set thins right, but in the absence of that, we have to fight within our environments by doing the right things.

This is a long and endless journey but we are not alone, and we will never be, because we can all be like Mother Teresas, if only we think and practise the love within us to include and to be proud of who we are.

Crimson

To me, "Crimson" will always be Akina's definitive album. Akina has a tough yet feminine style that distinguished her from the rest of the singers, but she was maturing as a singer as well, and "Crimson" definitely helped to strengthen this case. She has just endured some of the worst reviews of career with her previous album " 不思議", which was unfortunate because it was an innovative album way ahead of its time. Listened today, it does not lose any of its freshness and it is a marvel that a top artiste like Akina would constantly seek for challenges in her career instead of sticking to a winning formula. Maybe she was reeling off the surprise success of the album before that, "D404ME", which was also of a futuristic concept, which led her to move on to "不思議". Not that "不思議" was a failure. The first week sales were 94,500 copies (9.45 万枚) but the total sales was a rather dismal 46.4万枚 as compared to "D404ME", whose first week sales were 99,590 (9.96万枚) ending with 65.1万枚, making it Akina's second best selling original album.

Proving that this was not a downturn in her career, she released a highly anticipated new album on the X'Mas Eve of 1986, "Crimson", which was a talking point at that time because of the composers of the album, making it one of the first times that a top artiste has used only female composers in an album. Enlisting the talents of 竹内まりや (Takeuchi Mariya) and 小林明子 (Kobyashi Akiko), they created a woman's album of all time. Akina's rendition of their songs were softer and presented a more matured and feminine sound that was previously unheard.

It was an instant hit, entering (not surprisingly) the Oricon album chart at No. 1 with sales of 105,770 copies (10.58 万枚) , the second highest first week sales of Akina's career at that time (her career No. 1 was for "Possibility" - 109,890 copies). It may have been the disappointment of some fans with "不思議" that prompted the strong first week sales but fans embraced the album, staying at the pole position for 4 week and making it one of her best selling albums totalling 60.1万枚.

The magic of "Crimson" is evident from the first song, where it opens with the bustle of New York and the opening song "Mind Game" and moves slowly onto evergreens and classics like "駅", " 約束", "OH NO,OH YES !" and "ミック・ジャガ－に微笑みを" (Mick Jagger's Smile) ending with the opening of the door and back into the city. This elegant album mostly made up of ballads and some mid tempo numbers helped showcase Akina's versatility and new found maturity and femininity.

I will never forget the day I bought the cassette when it was released. I loved every single song and at that time, it was my first Akina album that WEA has included a booklet in the cassette. The photos were mostly black and white in conjunction with the album's concept and were exquisitely shot. I remember calling my friend, Terence, after every song and exclaiming "Oh, my God, this is so good.", and played them through the phone with the earphone on the headset.

"Crimson" is thoroughly enjoyable and the arrangement on the last song is most original, and never repeated. It started a "love-hate" affair with 竹内まりや because it is evident that Akina admires her very much as a songwriter and loves the songs deeply, constantly choosing them again for her concerts, but she would have felt the hurt of the comments that Mariya's husband (山下達郎 Yamashita Tatsuro) made in the inner sleeves of Mariya's album "Request" when he wrote that the a top singer (not naming Akina) has sung the song "駅" badly, thus prompting him to encourage Mariya to do the song some justice. Thankfully, it was pointed out recently on Tien's blog that he has changed his opinion and that it was the arrangement of the song that he disliked.

"駅" has long since withstood time to be the definitive song of the album and a fan's favourite. Many other singers have covered it since, even Richard Marx, and even though it was Mariya who popularised the song, she sang it in her signature light style which to me, didn't really suit the theme of the song, which was about the rediscovery of lost love and the final realisation that their love was still evident even though they had both moved on. Akina's melancholic rendition on the album was perfect and I strongly recommend watching Akina's live performance of "駅" in her 1997 Felicidad Concert, which is extremely moving.

At the pinnacle of her career, Akina has achieved another successful album that is a classic, beautiful tunes to relax and sway to different moods of any day. Today, Akina's talent is evident, not only as a singer but also as producer of the album (another achievement), because of the timeless albums that she has carved for her career. She can be truly proud of every challenge she has mastered and conquered, which is why the magic of Akina still enraptures some new audience today.

Incidentally, more than 15 years ago while flipping through reference books at the National Library, I browsed through a book "The 200 Best Album Covers" and to my surprise and delight, in this book published in the US, was the cover of "Crimson" ...

【紅白スキウタ】中間発表！

This is really fantastic news!!! Our votes have worked!! We are only through half of the polling with 396,930 votes counted and NHK has just announced the Top 30 spots for the Red and White team ... and Akina is 10th and 12 with 「DESIRE」and「飾りじゃないのよ涙は」. It is so good to know that there are so many people out there who want to see Akina this year too!! Wonder how she feels about it?

The results on attached on this link:

http://www3.nhk.or.jp/kouhaku/vote/happyou.html

So, there is hope for Akina!! Eugin and Shige will be very happy to know that Seiko did not crack the Top 30! She has already said that she will be busy with her Countdown Concert, so she will not be attending anyway. So, Seiko fans out there, please vote for Akina so that at least one of the 80's pop queen will still be represented.

Let's hope and pray that both songs will still be there at the end and Akina will be invited again this year!!

Anyone who is a friend of mine and hasn't voted, please cast a vote for Akina! If you have multiple email address, you can vote more than once. More voting to come from me!!

A New Akina Blog

A dear friend and fellow Akina lover, Danny Bunny, has created the first Akina Blog, allowing us to post everything about Akina Nakamori.

He has very kindly allowed 5 of us, including myself, Tien, Eugin, and Kenji (the newest Akina fan of only 3 months) contributor accounts so that we can share all about our idol! So, if you want to know why we are crazy over her, pay us a visit on:

VAMP - The only English Akina blog in town - http://akinanakamori.squarespace.com/

We hope to hear from all of you about what you would like to know and any question you want answered, so that we can post whatever information we have to cure you of your desire!

Hope to see you there!!

Heaven is ...

A few months back, I read with interest, an entry on Tien's blog about a Japanese drama that she has just watched 「世界の中心で、愛をさけぶ」. When we went to Japan together, I watched as Tien and Eugin bought the box set and wondered if there it was so good that I would have to watch it one day too. I have not watched Japanese drama series for more than a year now, believing that our lives could be consumed with the characters in the series, so the thought stayed with me.



When I came back to Australia, somehow at the back of my head, I searched for the drama series, trying to convince myself, but still I resisted when I saw it. A few weeks back, as interest accumulated, I succumbed after it was placed on further discount and hence, made more available.

The story line, as Tien described is simple, and it spoke of everlasting love between the two lead characters. You would know from the beginning that it is a tragedy not only from Tien's review and the blurb at the back, but also because the drama series is adapted from a very famous book and movie, and is based on true life events in the author's life, hence making it more essential viewing for me. The time spent between the two overs were short, but their love is nothing short of a miracle ...

My verdict: I loved it and it is one of the best dramas that I have watched in a long time. As I sobbed through most episodes and progressed towards the end, a part of me wanted to stop there. Just like the episode of "Friends" where Rachel decided to put the book "Little Women" into the freezer because Joey was starting to get a little sad that Beth was going to die, I didn't want to finish the series, so that in my "reality", maybe the characters will live forever, and I wouldn't need to witness the end.

Denial is a very powerful force, and I know that we all practise that sometimes so that we don't have to face up to harsh realities at difficult times. I succumbed eventually, but I was happy that I did, because I stumbled upon one of the most beautiful lines ...

As Aki was dying in Saku's embrace, Saku asked her where she was going to, because she told Saku once that she doesn't believe that we go to another world when we die. She replied that there is still a heaven in the skies. As she slipped into deadly unconsciousness and woke up momentarily, she said "There is no other world. There is also no heaven. Because this ... life is heaven ...". I sobbed with realisation at how we take things in life for granted. We lament about our misfortunes and what we don't have, not realising that the fact that we have a life, and we can breathe, eat, walk, run, shit, and dream ... and it is not something that everyone can do and that in itself, life is actually heaven ...

This drama series also reminded me of how I dealt with my own beloved grandma's impending death in 1997. I will never forget that day when I spent some time alone with her on her sickbed, and shedding a few tears while I sang her a little lullaby as I stroked her hair. She looked at my tears and turned away. It was at that point, looking at her, that reality struck me that I might lose her, and I was losing it myself. A kind nurse told me later that I should never cry in front of patients and why should I cry when she was actually getting better in my presence. She told me she could see how much my grandma loved me, because she was actually feeling better that day. I wiped my tears and smiled. It was her love for me that I could see, there and then ...

Even though she is no longer with us today, like Aki said in the movie, she lives in our hearts. In our every footstep in life that we take, the joys and the pains ... till the very end.

Life is where heaven is. Loving and being loved. All the good and the bad times. Being alive is enough for us to celebrate. We would all like to experience the kind of love that Saku and Aki had, but we should be practical. They had a short time to prove their love while for some of us, we have a lifetime, no matter how long it may be. Even if we never find that one special person in our lives, look around us, the friendships, the relationships, the kinship ... this is where heaven is.



- My grandma and part of the 25 grandchildren and greatgrandchildren she had.



- I don't think many people has seen this photo because I dug it out this morning from a "get well" card that I made for my grandma, and in it was this only photo I could find then, of just the two of us together. I was proud that she loved the card because I found the courage in it to say "Thank you for your love and I love you."

friends in the loop

Two of my dear friends, a couple, Leonard and Bruce, have set up this new joint venture "friends in the loop" about organising small group trips for people who are interested in having a "gay" weekend of fun, laughter and friendship. The idea originated from their love of "arranging activities with our friends", as they put it in their newsletter.

It is not only for people who live in Sydney but also for tourists who want a smaller and personalised tour of fun times and places in Sydney. There are day trips, extreme sports, relaxing dinners and many other different leisure activities, and since the groups will be small, it will serve as a perfect avenue for making new friends, and who knows, maybe even your future partner?

I have know Leonard for more than 5 years and they have been together for 3 and a half years, and they are one of the loveliest people you will meet. They are not only friendly but also fun loving and helpful. So, I believe anyone who is interested will have a great time with them.

Please show your kind support and visit their website here:

http://www.friendsintheloop.com/

It is not my intention to promote anyone's business, but I will make the rare exception for my dearest friends. It is a great concept and wish the both of you plenty of well wishes!

Congratulations

Very warm Congratulations to two members of my "family", Jed and Himi, on being first time parents to twins, Jamie and Sophia Wood. It's great to be able to welcome two new lives into our world of fun, laughter, love and kinship. I have no doubt that both of you will be wonderful parents and am most confident that they will be blessed with wisdom and all the beautiful attributes both of you possess.



We look forward to sharing them in our lives and Thank you for allowing us this opportunity to have another avenue for giving and sharing our love. I look back on the times I had a chance to play parent and it is a most gorgeous moment of self sacrifice and unconditional love, where we are not often given the opportunity to play in life. Even though there are demanding times, love will override all hardship, just like the relationships we try to build within our lives, which makes us better human beings. Enjoy the ride ...

My First Baby Shower

Since I don't have many married friends or friends about to have babies, when we realised that one of our closest friends, whom we regard as family were having twins, we were all elated. Not only for them, because they have been trying for so many years, but also at the extension of our "family unit".

When my friend Joe suggested that we should have a baby shower for Himi and Jed, we jumped at the idea, because it was something that men do not get invited to. Baby showers are primarily for women and since we are going to break some rules, we decided that we were only going to invite members of the "family", and make it a gay (as in happy too) event for not only the mother to be, but the parents-to-be.

We made some arrangements to have it held at their place and it was half a surprise because they knew it was a party but no further details were leaked about our plans for the day. We bought gifts (both joke and practical) presents for the parents to be, and everyone was meant to bring a dish or two and some games to play for the day, and what a sumptuous mix of traditional Eastern and Western food we ended up with that afternoon! There were the traditional Japanese rice cakes, red bean rice (to bring good luck to the parents to be), tonjiru (pork vegetable miso soup), soy chicken, sandwiches, dim sims, lasagna, edamame etc. Shige started the afternoon with a special toast of homemade cocktail to Himi and Jed, and Himi's mother, Kumiko-san, who had flown from Japan to be with her daughter. There were some initial reservations about how she would take a baby shower party of just 3 women (including herself), 9 queens and 1 men, but she handled it wonderfully. For someone who doesn't speak English at home, she certainly had lots of charm and even chided some of them when they spoke in Japanese. She was very welcoming and joyfully participated in all the games that we played later.



After lunch, we gave the parents-to-be with the presents that we had bought for them all. Himi received a hamper which included a baby transmitter and some baby care products while Jed was pampered with a grand selection of small gifts, including a baby massage book (which he loved) and a chin cushion for him when he falls asleep while feeding the babies. I made one of my special cards where I would cut our faces and paste them on the bodies of models or singers from catalogues. Since this was a baby shower, I presented us all as little children. Kosaku, our very innovative and artistic friend, made a special card where he used Photoshop to combine both Himi and Jed's faces to create what the babies would look like when they aren born and at 40 years old. It was a hoot and the photos were hmm ... interesting ...



After the presentation, we started the games, first of which was an ongoing game where each person was given 3 paper clips. If they mentioned these words "Himi, mother or baby" and laid their elbows or hands on the table, they would be penalised and a paper clip would be taken away from them. The person who has the most paper clips at the end of the day wins the game. It is so fun to watch everyone trying their best to substitute the 3 forbidden words when they are speaking and also tricking others into saying it. The best bit for me was watching the animated faces and childlike "anger" when we all made the mistakes and lost the paper clips. It certainly added some tension and some mild cursing, but plenty of laughter to the afternoon.

Since it was an ongoing game, we proceeded onto the next game, which was dressing up the parents-to-be. We were separated into two teams and Kumiko san was made the judge. Jed was dressed as a sumo wrestler and the inspiration for Himi's outfit (especially the sleeves) were from Judy Ongg's "Miserarete" outfit. When they were paraded in front of Kumiko-san, we all waited in bated breath not for who was the winner, but whether Kumiko san would fall into the trap of mentioning Himi's name as the winner. Very tactfully and skillfully, she referred to the winner and her daughter as "that woman" to thunderous laughter and applause from us all.We were then graced by the appearance of a surgeon (Dan in dress up) and he took out some very interesting but anatomically enchanced surgical toys, which I will refrain from explaining what they were. Since we were all rather open minded, we roared in laughter but apparently, Kumiko-san was a little more than surprised, but she handled it beautifully.



Next, we started dishing out the delicious desserts, which included a special green tea "Happy Baby Day" cake (where I tricked Kosaku and Kumiko san into saying "Baby" by getting them to recite the card on the cake. Evil! Evil), a beautiful custard pudding and a fruit salad. Before we started cutting the cake, we made the introduction to the beautiful union of these two wonderful couple and played their song "You are Everything" by Diana Ross and Marvin Gaye. Naturally, they were quite surprised that we knew but they had forgotten that they had told us once and I had remembered.



We played more games and one of the best (in my "biased" opinion) that we played was one that I grouped everyone into small teams of two, and then asked them to select an envelope with a number written on the underside. Since there were 12 of us left, I distributed 6 envelopes with the numbers 1-6 written on the back. When the "couple" turned it over, they would have to take out the card inside and design a birthday card for the babies for the year of their birthday that is written on the envelope. So, we would end up designing for their 1st to their 6th birthdays and they would be kept and only opened during that year of their birth, which is like a time capsule. Himi and Jed loved the idea and got everyone to sign on the cards to commemorate this special day.



At the end of the day, after 5 full hours, we were all exhausted but the love, fun, laughter and joy that was generated made us all realise how precious, wonderful and strong, us as a "family" unit is. Even Kumiko san had lots of fun and she said that Himi has very funny friends. It was certainly a wondrous day to remember and for many of us who will never be conventional parents, an opportunity to experience impending parenthood. These babies will be blessed with our love and for all of us, who had so much love to show over the years and on this day, we should be very proud of ourselves.

For myself, a great lover of babies, I have my two little darlings of my life (another two photos to swoon over) and now two more to share my love, and I am so thankful for this great bonding that I have with these loving and wonderful group I am very proud to call my family.

Too Many Thank Yous?

Can there be too many "Thank You"s? I know that I like to thank my friends for their friendship, love and support whenever I write on their birthday cards or just for accepting me for who I am, but is there a case where there are too many?

I don't want to make it sound insincere but the Thanks come from the bottom of my heart. The "argument" was made from the case that we have been friends for so long and thus we can dispense with such courtesies, but personally, I don't want it to get to a point that the generosity becomes something that is taken for granted. Even though John and I have been together for more than 3 years, we still thank each other for the little favours we do for each other. I think it is very important to show appreciation and not to take things for granted, which is why I sprinkle it in my conversations and my writings, but also that I hope that the person realise how much I treasure this little gesture.

This gesture even exists in my family and we always teach little children to say "Thank you" for every little present or favour they receive, so why should we forgo this because we are now adults? I know that a conversation can sound too distancing if we use too many Thank you(s) but I believe I wanted the other person to know that this is a great gift that they are giving me, and should be acknowledged. There are too many things, like friendship in this world which is underappreciated, which is why I take a bold cause to support showing it once in a while.

It might be walking a fine line but when we have been in a long relationship (friendship) with someone, does "Thank you" sound too condescending or is it still essential?

The Moisturiser Mystery

Isn't it normal to want to look good and hence feel good? In this time and age, I thought it was rather rare for men in developed countries not to escape the moisturiser marketing machines. After all the name inventions for heterosexual men who want to look like their gay counterparts, the submergence of the term "metrosexual" and its eventual death, leading to lesser known terms, because of the outcries of women who want their real men butch and "just the way they are", I still find it a little weird that men can get shy over revelations of their "beauty secrets".

With more and more sports superstars lending themselves to skincare and beauty products, one would have thought that it is generally more acceptable for men to take care of themselves more. Based on my own personal observations, these "metrosexuals" do a better job than most homosexuals in adapting these extravagant lifestyle choices.

Observation at the local gym usually reveal that an increasing number of heterosexuals (especially gym instructors) shave their legs and body (because their clients can't see the muscle definitions under all that hair mass) and spend way too much time in front of the bathroom mirrors perfecting their looks, but sometimes sadly, not their brains. Not that these behaviour should all be linked to homosexual behaviour but the last straw came when we saw two straight men having manicures in a parlour.

None of my gay mates have time for facials, let alone manicures, though a straight mate of my boss' complains he needs to get manicures, pedicures and a facial because he just feels so filthy and he is a 9-5 lawyer. Figure that out.

So, it came as a surprise last night, when my friend revealed that her boyfriend (who we had just met earlier that evening) bought his first moisturiser just the other day, and he is in his mid 30s. He flared up after the revelation, accusing her of sharing an intimate fact to people he barely knew. If he has calculated his audience well enough, he would have nothing to worry about because we were all gay. After we normalised the "use of moisturiser", he cooled down and reflected on his rage, puzzled. Do straight men feel emasculated just because of the use of a moisturiser or any form of care to our face or bodies, or is it so common nowadays that we are no longer shocked?

【紅白スキウタ】投票 - Please vote for Akina!

The polls for this years「NHK紅白歌合戦」has finally begun. You can click on this link here to vote for the stars and songs you would like to watch/listen at this year's programme. There are 600 songs to choose from and what you have to do is to select the 2nd button on the right, so that you can then input your email address in there. After that, an email with a link will be sent to that address for you to vote. You get to choose 3 songs from the list and one song from anywhere (i.e. not included in the list).

As an Akina fan, I have to start this campaign to get Akina in this year. So, even if you don't care, please vote for Akina. She has two songs in the running:

382 飾りじゃないのよ涙は 中森明菜 1984
417 ＤEＳＩＲＥ中森明菜 1986

Most of us fans would like to see her perform "Desire" again this year, so even if you want to vote for someone else, please cast an outside vote for Akina!! Let's end this year with a bang! Thank you.