Gay Love

We hear the success stories of heterosexual couples celebrating their anniversaries but we hear more of gay community's fleeting romances and one night stands. So, are gay people restricted only to short love?

Today is my very dear friend, Danny and his partner HH's 10th anniversary. Danny shared his coming out story with me at a cafe in Tokyo while we were both there for Akina's 2005 concert. He told me of his similar struggles and also the sweet story of how he met HH (I believe it is over the internet), and how they became friends and then eventually lovers after Danny was finally able to accept himself as a homosexual. My deepest and sincerest congratulations to the two of you because I know how difficult it is to find someone, let alone stay in a relationship for that long.

I met John over the internet and so did many of my other friends who have progressed in long term relationships (one over 15 years and still going strong). In a world of temptation and free love/sex, we have all managed in our ways to define, design and carve our relationships without any legal bindings like marriage or children (yet). We are fast approaching our 5th anniversary and I must say that in addition to luck, there is plenty of hard work involved in developing understanding, compassion and communication.

I remember admiring gay couples who have stayed together for more than 4 years when I first realised how difficult it was to stay in a relationship, but when that happened last year, the only thought that came was "How time flies ...". As we approach our fifth next year and I draw admiration from my fellow colleagues who exclaim at our mark, all I can say is "Thank you and how time flies ...".

John always held a practical belief that honeymoon periods had a use by date. Being the dreamer, I refuse to subscribe and though there have been trying times of stress, we grew with every argument (as little as they were), and we grew to understand and accept each other more in the process. I hate arguing and prefer to give way, but there is always something to learn from an argument. The apologies come quicker because we start to understand the need for reconciliation, for communication. It is the breakdown in communication that delivers the conflict, and only through peaceful communication will resolution evolve.

As we walk towards the 5 year mark, I can proudly say that I am more in love with John than I have ever been, and I am more comfortable now than I am 2-3 years ago. I don't think you can describe that being complacent or just too comfortable to "move", because it is a nest in our hearts that was lovingly built, regardless of the environment that we live in. It's like me enjoying my 30s more than my 20s because I am infinitely wiser.

So, I strongly believe that gay love and relationships is just like any love and it can last for as long as we want it to be. It takes hard work, lots of patience, communication, compassion and the essential ingredient love. More importantly, it takes two people to put in similar effort to make it work. People can take away marriage or any form of unionifcation from us, but they cannot take the pride that we have in our love.

Reading On Buses

Do you read on buses? I do, but do you think that the person sitting next to you is peering over at what you are reading sometimes? Maybe it is because I do that myself sometimes, but I am more interested in the title of the book than the actual writing. I do it sometimes to make mental notes if the reader seems totally engrossed in it rather than lifting their heads once in a while to make some poetic stare, signifying the "non-captivity" of the book.

I also play this little game of trying to associate the genre with the person, like an attempt to read a book by its cover. "Viola! I knew it. You are such a cliche." Can we really read a person by their book cover?

Why is it also that I feel eyes prying most when I reach a page of some invariable love making or words like "throbbing cock", that I feel the urge to close the book then and look away. Am I being prudish, ultra sensitive or vain in trying to disguise what I am reading? Maybe people just don't care ...

The Lives of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)

I recall registering shock and disbelief when one of my favourite films of the year, "Pan's Labyrinth" lost the Best Foreign Language Film Oscar in February. To me, it was like the Mexican version of "Spirited Away", another of my all time favourites, where fantasy is meshed with reality, transporting audiences back to where dreams were sometimes reality, and where we still believed unconditionally ...

What was this film "The Lives of Others" (Official site)? I had never even heard of it before its win? Was it an oversight like the winner of Best Picture, "The Departed" and last year's "Crash" ("Babel" and "Brokeback Mountain" have my vote)? How could a film that won three other Oscars lose out on its primary category?

Some foreign films will never receive worldwide distributorship if there wasn't any awards buzz or wins. Unlike "Pan's Labyrinth", it is not going to attract mainstream attention because it does not boast of any special effects. They get lost in the maze of blockbuster rubbish because audiences prefer to dumb themselves down for the sake of fancy CGI effects and reality TV. Thankfully, "The Lives Of Others" will never suffer the same fate. However, films thrive most on "word of mouth" recommendation, and like "Babel", this is an important film that has to be made, and to be watched. Hence, my strong recommendation and "plea" for you to watch it.

Set in 1984 where the tyrannical Stasi (East German police) made it their duty to monitor their citizens, they believe it was their right to know everything. We are introduced to Captain Gerd Wiesler (Ulrich Mühe), a brilliant officer who scored well in his examinations and stuck to every rule in the book, the cold hearted product of the stereotypical horror we identify in such movies. Due to his stoic adherence in life and strong loyalty, he does not possess the slimy characteristics of his fellow classmate, Oberstleutnant Anton Grubitz, who he helped to score well enough in his exams but had sucked up to the right people to attain a higher position in the police force, and is now his superior.

Wiesler is invited by Grubitz to a new play staged by Geord Dryman (Sebastian Kohl), a popular playwright who has managed to stay under the government's radar and is in a relationship with accomplished stage actress Christa-Maira Sieland (Martina Gedeck), the lead in the play. Actors, playwrights and all artists are restricted within strict boundaries of what is permissible in those days and almost all of their apartments are bugged for information. Unlike, several of his fellow artists who have been blacklisted, he has played the right game by staying uncontroversial, almost clean. This raises the suspicions of Wiesler even though Grubitz watered it down. However, when Grubitz meets Minister Bruno Hempf, who runs the police force, he takes on Weisler's suggestions as his own and when the Minister praises him for his sharp instincts, claims silent credit for it.

Weisler takes on the job of monitoring Dryman's activities and starts living through the lives of Dryman and Sieland. It is through them that his loneliness and the emptiness of his heart and life is brought for the first time to his attention. He yearns for love and belonging, and his only close relationship is a sexual one with a prostitute who works on the clock, like Wiesler. He starts to contest his beliefs and loyalty to Stasi. Like a quote at the beginning where it is believed that people don't change, we watch the new Wiesler unravel before us.

This is a political thriller which ultimately shows the strength that one is capable of, and though Weisler is not entirely responsible for the fall of Berlin Wall five years later, he can admit towards being instrumental towards a shift of perceptions in the free world. Even though he does "sacrifice" his livelihood for this decision, he is rescued from this Stasi terror in his life. The ending in unsentimental but extremely moving. I felt tears welling as I sensed Dryman's gratitude.

I loved this film and rate it along "Babel" as the best films of the year. Like "Babel" who tackles social issues, this is a film not to be missed. In today's world where the right winged ruling political parties are using scare tactics to frighten us into conformity, this is a burning and current issue. With governments tightening its security laws and establishing impossible laws linking anyone with any connections, no matter how small, to possible acts of terrorism, we have to stand brave. If efficient gatekeepers are already keeping the truth from us, then we have to make sure that we are heard. Even though it sounds impossible that we will "return" to this terror state, nothing is impossible if we do not wake up and choose our leaders carefully. Do we want to live under leaders who incite/remind us of terror, or those who truly inspire?

First time film-maker and writer, Florian Henckel von Donnersmark, implores us to examine this through this wonderful, immaculately acted piece of art. With many lessons to be learnt within, this film outstrips "Pan's Labyrinth" in all ways and is a most deserving winner of the Best Foreign Film Oscar. It has also been honoured by many other International awards, especially for the lead actor, Ulrich Mühe, who is superlative. It is interesting to note that he is a known enemy of the Stasi, and was himself spied upon by four members of his theatre group, and his late wife who he was married to for 6 years, was also an informant to the Stasi. It was also recommended that he be sent to an isolation camp in the event of a national crisis, which could have inspired him for his performance and his involvement in this movie.

This is film making at its best, reaffirming the importance of arts and film making in our lives, to educate, influence and inspire ...

Rating: 9.5/10

Masculinity

I have recently joined a Mens' Group, which we have formed as an emotional support network for men. I don't have too much of a problem relaying my thoughts anywhere as you can tell, and my initial reaction was that it would both be a great opportunity to know my friend better and also human behaviour in the process. What I have learnt and am surprised are the masculine roles that heterosexual men have been pigeonholed into, and how these societal models have forced them into conformity and the resulting emotional stress and pain from living up to these responsibilities.

It is a rare occasion that I feel that I am more fortunate that I do not have to feel the same pressures to have to worry about the mortgage and putting food on the table, and that this is my sole responsibility because I am the man. To feel that I have to live up to this expectation and worry about exposing my vulnerability and fear to my female partner and family, this is a truly big burden to have to bear.

With John and I, we are pretty lucky that gays don't have to prescribe to the traditional man vs woman roles in our relationships. This gives us the freedom to express our joys and our fears but I am not advocating that this is true of all gay couples because there are still many that feel they need to be masculine and not reveal their emotions. However, I wonder what holds them back is their denial of their feminine side or an upbringing that just did not encourage that. The insistence of not wanting to look, sound or act gay, parts of which I prescribe to, but the emotional shutdown they impose on exposing their vulnerability, even towards their partners, is something I find a little difficult to fathom.

Is it the disappointment through past life experiences or the low trust level they embody a strong factor in this decision they make. When will men realise that it takes more courage to be vulnerable sometimes, than to be strong all the time.

We are lucky that we are both emotionally rather mature beings though I know that I hold back sometimes, not because I have a problem against vulnerability. Just because I don't always cry at movies is a not an indication, but it could be that my Asian upbringing encourages me to "keep my problems to myself". I think that vulnerability is beautiful and it can help bring people closer together and I think that this mens' group is a great outlet for them and me, to feel more comfortable playing outside the box.

I used to think that I want to be in this group to help someone and possibly find my calling, but I now know that I am gaining something from it too. Through explorations of others' experiences which can be a reflection of a past or current state of mind, I can feel myself growing and accepting myself and being more comfortable with my imperfections. It is also a great way to help build and strengthen relationships with people that mean the most to me, both within or outside the group. On top of educating them about us and what they can possibly learn from gay relationships or what I have with John, we can all help to crush and remodel the fixtures we have in our minds since our young age of five or six when we start learning values and beliefs that shape who we are today.

The Reader and The Writer

I wouldn't consider myself an avid reader because I am not burying my head in the book for most parts of my free time. However, I do read a bit, especially during my bus trips to work and before bedtime, which I do enjoy immensely. I do spend quite an amount of time on the internet reading blogs, news and forum articles, so I wonder if the term "reader" should be reclassified to include electronic material instead of just hard copy.

I don't like science fiction and I am definitely not a detective/slasher novel fan, though I had read of some which still resonate in my mind when I recall good books that I have read. Starting from fairy tales, transgressing to the Secret Seven Series and Nancy Drew in my childhood and ultimately to classics like "Little Women", "Great Expectations", "Pride and Prejudice" in my teenage years and now predominantly biographies, non-fiction, contemporary or Booker and Pulitzer Prize winning material, I reflect on how my taste have been shaped by the happenings of my life.

I guess my taste in books also progressed alongside my preference for certain genre of movies as I matured, hence my DVD collection at this point screaming "No more drama. Give me comedy!". I am currently reading an old classic "The Alchemist", which is hailed with "The Little Prince" as classics that teach us simple life lessons that have been clouded by materialistic desires in our life. Simple words, simple phrases ... nothing to truly scream "Prize winner" or "Prose", but unlike many book prize winners, I found these books profoundly moving because it touched my soul more than the flowery language that authors sometimes use to "wow" instead of move.

Do we applaud the author for managing to squeeze the most number of "dictionary browse-worthy" words in one sentence, or a paragraph that describes the ethereal ambience and things, or is the impact on our sense of our worlds more phenomenal? For me, simplicity rules. It's like speaking from the heart instead of decorating the voice. I fall victim myself sometimes, but I know that my true voice rings through when I am "stripped bare" and I certainly hope to be reminding myself to do more of this in the future.

Happenings

It's been a long time. Not because of writer's blog but pure fatigue from the hectic schedule at work over the past month or so. We have also been subjected to high levels of stress because we have been given notice once again that we might have to move again. This is because the apartment that we moved to since December is once again up for sale due to the owner's inability to make the mortgage payments. Poor luck, but it could also be read positively as a sign that the universe is trying to tell us something.

This invariably impacts on our decision to buy an apartment but we have to be very careful that we do not make a rash decision because it would end up disastrous in any case. Owning a place one can call home is ultimately many people's dream, man or woman. I have found that Australians do not have a tendency to build their savings as much as Asians are educated since young to do so, hence many Australians are unable to realise their dream till later in their lives, which is a really common phenomenon. Hedonism and qualify of life ruled against than the security needs of most Asians.

Citizens in Singapore are fortunate enough for the government to realise that satisfying this need for security and dream is vital to most people which is why affordable housing weighed high on their plans and they have succeeded well. Australians on the other hand, have over the years, used mortgages as their way of forced savings. My friend read an article in the Economist that now, with the economy tapering off and slowing down, significant gains are not going to be seen through mortgages and most of the payment is for interest, rather than true savings because the property market will not be seeing any significant booms. Hence, my friend's decision is to save for ten years, and then pay cash for a piece of property, rather than be tied to a mortgage. This is just a point of view from an economist and I can totally see the validity of her point. However, I can also see the emotional need for security from John's point of view, so I guess the ultimate decision lies with what is more important for us and what will make us happy. If a house is what we need to cement our relationship by building a home because we cannot get married, then that would be the best.

Some of my friends have also claimed that it is now inevitable that my parents do not have an inkling of my sexuality and our relationship, since they support both of us buying a house together, and potentially being tied to a mortgage for thirty years. It's a softer and more rational way for them to accept us and maybe this is their way of dealing with the fact that I am gay. However, I don't think they will ease on asking the same questions, giving the same advice (on girlfriends), so that they get to deal with this to best they can, and hope that they did not fail as parents.

Ultimately, I want my parents to know that regardless of my sexuality, I am happy and that they have done a good job. I want them to share my world, my wonderful family and group of friends who give me so much love and support. I want them to be proud of who I am because I believe they should be. It's a long lesson and potentially a hard one, because I will be the teacher this time, but it will possibly happen, if and when they come and visit me again in Australia.

My Virgin Valentine Bouquet

Part of me has always believed that consumerism like Valentine's Day gifts and its significance is just a another marketing vehicle, but I must say it is rather delicious when one is at the receiving end of it.

The practicality I inherited from my mother was always that it is a waste of money and also partly that I had never been the object of anyone's affection when I was a teenager, which was probably why in many ways I had shut the door on this occasion. Now, approaching our fifth anniversary, I was thinking last night while watching the various advertisements splashing on TV whether I would ever experience this "cliche"? We didn't speak about Valentine's Day at all and the plan was to have Monday's leftovers tonight, so before I left work this morning, I cheekily whispered in John's ear if he had gotten me a card. In a nonchalant fashion, he replied "Not Yet" and when he asked me the same question, I had the same answer. Just another day I thought then ...

I had to attend a seminar in the morning and when I approached my desk in the office after, I was greeted by a tall bouquet of long stemmed roses in my colleague's office. It was still wrapped immaculately and I was still admiring it, not noticing that I had a heavy file and some food in my hands, when my friend walked out. I half asked her who it was from and half moved nearer my desk to put down the things when I realised that there was a fat bouquet sitting on it. I was dumbstruck and wondered if it was a mistake. "Did everyone receive a bunch too?" was my next mindful question and then my friend came around and said that it was from John, even before I had a chance to look at the card.

It was my beautiful virgin bouquet of roses on Valentine's and I could feel myself blushing with joy and surprise. One does not expect such romanticism and extravagance when they have been together for almost 5 years. This just doesn't happen, not even in fairytales, but it just did. My friend then proceeded to let me know that the roses were not from her boyfriend but one of her secret admirers who apparently had very bad taste to send roses to someone who was already attached.

So, I ended up being the only person and the only male in an office of about 15 females who received a true Valentine's gift because my friend refused to accept it and distributed the love around to others instead. Many of them stopped and admired and asked some questions, and I was feeling so loved and yet feeling bad that they didn't receive any as welll. It is all terribly flattering and I am still gushing, which is honestly getting a little embarassing. Ha! Ha!

Anyway, I just wanted to share this little experience and my exhilaration. Who would have thought ... love can still surprise. 爱情万岁！

No Indian Summer

... it's Christmas all over again in this revamped Indian styled Christmas classic. Hilarious!

Harvest

I'm truly spoiled ... by myself.

And I love it ...

John's Birthday Celebration

A week ago, he was still deliberating why people have to celebrate their birthdays every year. He is happy to join in the celebration for others but he doesn't want to bring trouble for others. I advised that we don't all see in the same light as he does. It's not only a celebration of his life and achievements, but an opportunity for us, his friends and his loved ones to show our appreciation and love for him.

So, we set out for two celebrations because he hates big parties and mixing friends around. He had another friend Leanne who was coming down to Sydney with her beautiful twelve year old son Tully, and we were all having a farewell celebration because they are both going to Canada for a year of exchange. Unknown to John, I had made a request to have a surprise birthday celebration at the event but only for cake because it was after all, a farewell session first and foremost. So, after much celebration, deliberation on my part for the type of cake and how to bring it to Russ' house (who is hosting the farewell), I managed to create something special for my darling, though one can barely make out the name "John" on the birthday cake with mini M-Ms. We had a wonderful time and he was truly surprised and delighted, which made my day.

As for his two planned celebrations, one was hosted by our very generous friend Peter on Thursday who cooked this wonderful banquet consisting of his fried Turkish bread with avocado dip, barbecued prawns which were just simply divine, and for the mains, a chicken noodle dish with salad and mushrooms. It was just heavenly. Thanks Peter. Dinners will never be the same without those prawns ever again.

The other was tonight where we spent an intimate evening with two of John's closest friends, and we watched the "controversial" movie "Shortbus" which was an exploration and celebration of sex and what's down beneath us. When we watched it at the movies, we were just as gobsmacked with the rest of the audience and unrest settled. Tonight, it was just a joyous and hilarious experience which enhanced the impression of the movie in our minds.


P.S. The reason why I am not sharing more photos of others is because I don't know whether they would like it. I'm not that much of an exhibitionist. Just trying to get used to seeing myself more on my blog ...

Happy Birthday my love ... once again.

Happy Together

John and I find it rather difficult to agree on a photo of us that we both like ... there is always "something not right" about the ones we take. Maybe we have high standards or maybe we are a little too critical but I think we finally settled on one that we are happy with ... so I have to share. Are we alone or are there others like us out there ... perfectionists or just plain impossible.

Japanese New Year

The Japanese celebrate their New Year every year at the same time as their Western counterparts, unlike the Chinese who follow the calendar year. Before I came to Australia and my first two to three years here, New Year celebrations were always about the fireworks at the Harbour Bridge or just drinks at friends.

Ever since I was inaugurated into my Japanese family here in Australia, I have been fortunate enough to taste some of the most sumptuous Japanese New Year celebratin every year around the 3rd of January. This year was the 6th but my 5th (kind of like 紅白 where it is invitation based only) and every year, we farewell some and welcome new additions. With Jamie and Sophia's arrival, they were warmly welcomed though they were still both a little too young to join in the celebrations. Hopefully next year, they will start becoming a fixture at this annual event.

Besides the glorious and carefully prepared food to emulate their home experience, there is always plenty of camarderie as we share our Christmas offerings and New Year's Eve celebrations in the warm feelings of fiesta. There is also the "customary" games at the end where we are all separated into two groups and compete not only in a quiz but also a hybrid of Chinese whispers and charades, which in my view is both scary, funny and not to be missed. It is just so nice to allow ourselves to be comfortable enough to make fools of ourselves while our next counterpart decipher the message that we are trying to bring to them. Ranging from arms flapping wildly in the air to mincing like a model on a catwalk, a prostitute or a porn star at work or just Marilyn Monroe trying to keep her imaginary dress from blowing up in the wind, images that bring so much fun and joy, laughter enough to last us through the entire year till the next ...

Food, Glorious Food ...

I love it when babies are at this age. I love their "pugdy little legs" which my friend Maya says "Astro Boy legs". Ha! Ha!

A pensive and melancholic Jamie ... aren't they both adorable?

And you can't tell I love babies ...

Happy Birthday My Love

Thank you for everything and for sharing this wonderful part of my life with me. This past year has been more challenging but we have pulled through them and I look forward to the many more sunrises and sunsets that we have still yet to enjoy and conquer.

Have a wonderful year and may our dreams of owning a new home this year come through. Love Always ...

Parenthood

I hate to stereotype but Western and Eastern styles of parenting do differ. I grew up under strict parenting. There were no curfews but there might just well have been. No TV after a certain time, no romances, no playing with your friends and neighbours ... study study study. It was drilled into our minds early in our childhood that we had to study hard and aim to get to university. I was not encouraged to be an artist, policeman or fireman. What I was told was to aim to be a lawyer or a doctor. Not that it really influenced me in that way, just look at how I turned out.

It was not only the societal values in Singapore and the competitive environment that drove my parents into this style of thinking but more so because my mother did not have a chance to receive an education she deserved. Being born in poverty after World War II and in a family of 11, she had to give up schooling after starting a year or two in secondary school. Her parents could no longer afford to send her to school which was why she had to give up her dreams. Her appetite for learning was not crushed because of this and in many ways, she wanted to make sure that her children were not disadvantaged in that way. Even if she had to take on several jobs, I am sure she would have made sure that we had the best education.

I don't think she was resentful, maybe a little, but she definitely envied her younger sisters who went on to desk jobs instead of being given limited choices in life like being a seamstress. Though she lost out on an education, she is always eager to learn and even picked up English and Mathematics again in her late 40s when we were all grown up and she could fulfill her dream once again.

Back to us, we had tuition when we were younger to help us with our studies. Everyone did in Singapore, so she had to make sure that we did so too. I hated it because it meant more homework on top of what school had offered, so I think I rebelled, especially after she decided upon my tuition teacher's advice to throw away all my Japanese magazines that I had collected. I was crushed and I hated her for that.

I don't think I realised her good intentions, though I still ache for that memorabilia, till after I finished my "O" Levels (which is the secondary school leaving certificate) and realised that I had limited options because I had not studied hard enough. That was probably when I discovered that this woman was right. It was not too late because I did work hard and scored reasonably well, but it was not the right course for me because I wasn't interested in the subject. However, it was proof to myself that I was capable of anything I set my mind to. It was only when I stumbled upon Marketing that I found my passion and could finally make her proud.

Looking around me and the styles of Western parenting, I wonder if I would have benefited more from it. On one hand, I think a little freedom would have been very beneficial, but at the same time, I am thankful that my parents drilled the importance of education to me. Without their encouragement, I would never have discovered the joys of reading and now writing. With these skills, I develop imagination and the ability to dream and engage in interesting conversations with people, not only through intellect, but heart. I could have been a boring person which would really be a "crime".

I look at my sister parenting, and I realised that in many ways, she is walking down the same path that my parents did, and I am mindful that I have to give her support and encouragement, and at the same time advice on "letting go" sometimes. It's a tough gig and I think she has the added responsibility of knowing that she should give them every opportunity she can afford, even if it means volunteering her services at the primary school so that my nephew and niece can gain entry into the prestigious school. That is how crazy the system is. However, I need to keep my little darling's interest at heart and let my sister know that it is just as important that they enjoy it, and not find it laborious, which would take all of the joys out of life.

In comparison with some of my Western counterparts, they have a lot of freedom to do whatever they want. I am honestly very shocked to hear that some parents even give her children "permission" not to complete their high school, so that they can realise their own dreams. I understand that this is true love in allowing our loved ones the freedom in life, but at the same time, will they gain resentment when they hit the glass celling and realise their limited opportunities in life due to the lack of education?

There is no right or wrong with parenting because we have to adapt to the child's style as well, which we sometimes forget, but I think it is a topic for discussion. I am thankful for the parenting I received but I have to be mindful that I cannot force it upon others to have the same values.

Rush Rush

I guess this is what we get from living in the city. Rushing from point to point. As much as we tell our bodies or our bodies rebel with aches and illnesses, there doesn't seem to be any real slowing down in our lives for a longer period of time. Small pockets of escapes into our own world where there is no existence of time and we dictate the place.

What I hate, yes, I am angry about this rush fanatic is the sensibility and respect that people seem to lose in its presence. Does anyone stop at the pedestrian (zebra) crossings anymore? I have to cross at least two each working day, and I am truly amazed at how many cars zoom by even as I stop at the zebra crossing, waiting. They seem oblivious not only towards my presence but also for the rules. That apart, where is the basic respect for me?

I am tempted so to stick my middle finger up in the air and swear like my girlfriend did when we tried to cross once and the car just rushed pass us. I am also tempted to kick the car if they are slow to pass by like my other friend does but I have more respect than to do that. Would I have to stoop to such measures to demand some simple decency and respect?

The other thing that irritates me is stupidity. People seem to forget that when they rush for buses. They forget that they are vulnerable and they become blind only to one course, like the reckless and disrespectful drivers. Don't people realise that they have only one life and only one chance to write this path of their history? What do we have to do to stop and breathe ...

Sexy

There is no doubt that Jake Gyllenhaal is a sexy man. With smouldering looks, body and those puppy dog eyes, it is no wonder that he was voted recently in a gay magazine as the No. 1 celebrity that most gays want to be gay. Even though he has been dogged by gay rumours, he has been gracious on all accounts and even said in an interview that he wouldn't be surprised if he can develop feelings for another man one day.

In contrast with a certain superstar, he does not have to resort to elaborate fashions to prove his heterosexuality, being disrespectful to homosexuals along the way. Jake appeared in SNL (Saturday Night Live)
yesterday and played along once again to the "Brokeback" jokes and did this wonderful little number, as a way to say "Thanks" to his burgeoning gay fan base. It is hilarious and it is great to see someone like him being so comfortable with his sexuality to be able to laugh at himself. Now that's sexy!



Lastly, can someone tell me how SNL gets these stars to do drag (Other case in point: Justin Timberlake doing Jessica Simpson)? In comparison with the Footy Show, this is so much more tasteful

Au Revoir 2006

Six more hours till the last second of 2006 strikes, I reflect on the year that has been. I started the year out easy, spending my semi-idllyic days welcoming my eighth year in Australia and cruising through my job in my sixth year. Enjoying the extraordinarily high calibre of Oscar nominated movies, like "Brokeback Mountain", "Walk The Line", "Goodnight and Goodluck", "Transamerica", "Capote", "Crash", "Munich" etc, life was fun and easy.

Making the decision to give up joining my friends again this year in Japan to watch Akina in April after enjoying wonderful concerts from K.D. Lang and Bette Midler, we decided to spend more time in theatres. Thankfully, tt was a wonderful year of theatrical drama, the main highlights being "The History Boys", "I Am My Own Wife" and "Holding The Man".

In June, we embarked on a seemingly never ending journey in looking for our "perfect" new apartment to call our true home, and our weekends were starting to laden with more stress and strain. It was not a totally unenjoyable journey though one can get a little dis-spirited after many fruitless searches. The good thing is actually knowing and recognising immediately what we don't want, and tearing those bits apart. I guess it's all part of staying sane in this mad world, and thankfully, we have the encouragement and advise of our wiser friends, who have been down this same journey, hence reminding us of our humanity.

The rest of the year looked to span out similarly until a fundamental change in me made me realise that I had to move on in life, which sparked on a spirited charge. Oh, how I hate interviews and still do. I count them as just as bad if not worst than public speaking, because at least I can control public speaking to some extent. Anyway, I was happy to get that over and done with. Though I wasn't entirely certain that it was the right move at that time, future visits to my old job gave me the affirmation I needed.

Not long after this came another obstacle where we were told to move out of the apartment that we called home for 18 months. It can be stressful because it can bring up abandonment issues, but I focused on one issue at a time, with the knowledge that if things came down to the worst, we still had generous friends whom we could rely on. Thankfully, the move was very successful and we are happy in our new abode though it has confirmed that we will not be looking for a one bedroom apartment when we purchase. Ha! Ha!

Friends ... how can we do without them. 2006 marked my 35th year and I am so lucky to still have so many generous and loving people around me in Australia that I see as part of my family. My darling John arranged for an appreciation party and I got the best presents from everyone - their kind love and heartful words which will always grace my life for as long as I live. As for my dear friend, Jack, whom I lost this month, I didn't think I would miss you as much as I did, but I do. My dearest friend, Leslie and Ryan, who are in Japan and their lovely gift - Leslie's new book SuperStars (a few photos attached) in time for my birthday. My friends in Singapore (especially my fellow VAMPires) and around the world whom I only have mostly email contact with, thank you for all your emails and love. So, to all my dearest friends, no matter where you are, Thank you for everything ...

Two of my favourites from the book: Ultra sexy Japanese ex-soccer star Hidetoshi Nakata and Wada Akiko in a pose you will never have seen her in. Ingenious! (You can also buy this beautiful book here)

And now onto my family, John and his family. I spent a most wonderful Christmas and this year in particular, it was an exceptional season and I feel that I have truly arrived and participated as part of the Jones' family. John, whom I will be celebrating our 5th anniversary, everyday is a fruitful journey of love. Thank you for this wonderous joy! For my own family, whom I only get to see once or twice (for the past two years though the second trip is always impromptu and very short), I thank you for your love and grace ... allowing me to live my dream in Australia, it is the greatest gift anyone can give me. I sincerely hope that I will get more opportunities to spend more time in future with all of you and you must all know that I will always love you, no matter where I am.

To end, I would like to share some photos (which I haven't done much of in the last few months of the year). As you can see, I am in love with babies and hopefully some day, I will have one of my own, but if not, I will always have these babies I consider children of mine. People should always be loved, so take my advice: give give give!!

Firstly, my two darlings - Joshua and Joy who teach me how to love more everday. I love them so much and they bring me so much joy just knowing that they miss having me around to play with.

Her first pony riding experience!!

I love this photo because Joy is growing up so quickly and is a master poser when it comes to photoshoots and Joshua is just so playful. Here he is striking a "what he believes to be a similar" pose to his sister.

My other bundles of joy in Sydney - the beautiful Jamie and Sophia!!

John and I with wonderous and ever happy Marley separately.

Finally, Here's wishing everyone a loving and wonderful 2007 filled with exhilarating surprises sparkling all along the way!!! Take care, stay healthy and in love ...

35才の誕生日

Another year has passed ... so many bitter sweet memories that graced the 34th year of my life that I will always remember. Since my friend has passed on so recently, the lessons on cherishing life is at the forefront of my thoughts and birthdays are always a good time to say Thanks to everyone who continues to contribute to my life. My parents, especially my mother who brings up the story of being in labour for over17 hours to bring me to this world, my siblings whom I grown up with, fighting, teasing and loving, and who now accept me for who I am. My little nephew and niece who continue to such inspirations in my life teaching me how to love so much more than I thought I was ever capable of. My dear friends everywhere around the world, especially my surrogate family in Australia who create this wonderful loving world for me, and lastly, my dearest lover, John, who I am so honoured to share every day waking up next to.

Even if the world is imperfect, my world is as good as it can be and I want to remind myself to be thankful for all that I have. Spread your love everyone, make a difference in someone else's life ...

今天是我三十五岁的生日。走了这漫长的人生道路，感慨良多。除了学会珍惜家人与朋友的爱戴，也懂了爱惜自己。有了这份自爱，才能真心真意地打开心房接受与散播爱。生日不是属于我一个人的，最感激的是把我带进这世界的父母，照顾我张大的大家，与我成长的弟弟妹妹，展开友谊之手的朋友，和教我如何爱的恋人与已故的外婆。谢谢大家的爱，我是幸福的，我的生命是充实。

My Dear Friend - RIP Jack Lavery

Yesterday I was still looking at an invitation sent by him last year and now he is no longer with us ...

Jack Lavery, my dear dear friend, someone who I respected and was one of my closest friends in Sydney, died this morning. It came as an entire shock because we haven't been in close contact for the past few years but always held him close in my heart. I remember bumping into him at Chinatown, where I sat down with him and his partner, Charles, and Charles' mother for lunch. We had (always have) a great time and we talked about how we should catch up after that. We never did ... though I did mean to after coming across the card last night. Maybe that was a sign that I should have picked up on ...

I met Jack at my first independent home that I moved into after leaving my aunt's in Sydney. I was living in Redfern on top of a shop and after university one day, walked in and Laurie, the owner introduced us. Jack was an English teacher who was always happy to share. He lived a full and exciting life and I always looked forward to seeing him because I always learn so much from him. He taught me many life experiences and was always keen to inspire me to be a better person. He taught me to be comfortable in my own skin and always inspired me to write because of my love for it.

Since he was so well read, I always felt that his encouragement was priceless since I never had any idea if I could really write well. I remember his generosity when I moved out of the shop house into my first apartment and how he gave us a really nice carpet and many pieces of crockery and cutlery that they no longer needed. He always invited us to the most delicious meals and even organised my first Halloween party, which I (and everyone who attended) never forgot. He always swore by his French cookbook and taught me to make the most delicious Crème Brûlée I have ever tasted. I remember going to their apartment and he taught me how to make my first dessert. Instead of burning sugar as the topping, we did a chocolate mousse topping which really complemented and differentiated my Crème Brûlée. I still constantly laugh at his remark when there was an instruction in the cookbook to beat the eggs hard, and when I did it, he said "Now, you're hitting it like a gay man. Harder!" I swore after that I would never make it again but I just might have to do it now just for remembrance.

Jack, oh Jack, how I will miss you and your brave cheerful being. Always telling me not to listen to what others have to say if it is negative and believe in myself. How I wish I could have had one last good long conversation with you. I know you wanted us to remember you the way you were, but this is rather cruel to us, as your friends, to be able to say Goodbye. I don't like farewells so I understand and I will never forget all your stories and pearls of wisdom. I hope you are peaceful and free of pain now. I love you Jack and you will always have a special place in my heart ...

You're Gonna Love Her ...

This is without any doubt, one of the most challenging songs to sing in history. Made famous by the original Jennifer Holiday in Broadway, it is matched by this 11 year old girl Bianca Ryan, who went on to win the competition. Former "American Idol" evictee, Jennifer Hudson, sings it in the upcoming cinematic version of the Broadway musical "Dreamgirls" and the movie is apparently, all hers. Can't wait to see the movie.

True talents have finally emerged from these mediocre competitions ...

The Original

The New