A Place To Call Home

A home is a place we can all rest our feet, relax and be whoever we want to be. For some lucky people, their home is their birthland, where they fit in exactly with no difficulties. For the rest of us, we may travel all around the world to find a safe place we can call our home.

I remember first arriving in Australia and sensing a new change in me. A place where I can "start afresh" and build my self esteem from the ground. No dramas from history that will hold me back from being the real me. Maybe it is because I didn't choose an honest life back in Singapore and being overseas for a long period (three years at least then) allowed me the courage to explore different avenues and possiblities ... and so I did.

Now, when I go back to my birthland Singapore, with some of my older friends and the majority of my family and relatives that I am not honest about my sexuality, I feel like we just pick up from where we left it the last time we said goodbye. I don't seek out to lie, but also choose not to be totally honest, which I am entitled to. Over the past few trips, I have found myself looking for places of gay interest in Singapore, which surprisingly has increased over the years that I have not been around. There was a mixture of danger and also confusion as to why I needed to explore such places. I am not interested in the saunas but wanted to see the scene for myself, and probably justified in my mind then, that it was an adventure of island and self exploration.

Today, I had a conversation with a couple of friends, and one of them, Mark pointed out that he has found a trend where gay saunas are packed to the brim (or over) during the X'Mas season, and the reason he has for this is because we all need a sense of belonging (and they are the only gay places open then). After spending some or an amount of time with the family, we are in search of a need to reaffirm our sexuality or to be around our people, especially when we have to live "another life" when we are around them. It may sound rather ridiculous but it happens to everyone. Just imagine how happy we are sometimes when we are stranded in foreign land, and then we see something familiar that allows us to feel a sense of homeliness. It's the emotional state of belonging somewhere that is the most important to us, which is universal.

For me, making friends who know and accept me for who I am is very important in Singapore, where I have never been comfortable in the past, being who I truly am. Now, I know that when I go back, I have friends that I can sit down and let my hair down for a little while, even if it is just for that few hours, where I can feel that I am truly myself. It is not easy finding a place we can call home. Many of us have lived our lives perfecting the intepretations of non verbal communication signs from people and mastering the art of acting, so that we are not being picked on. It is a hard enough life just for us to be able to accept ourselves for who we are, and not self destruct, let alone being ostracised even further by so called societal "norms".

Australia has been very kind to me, for allowing me a chance to carve the life that I want and the connections that I have with the people around me, which have blended into an integral mix of my life. In this place I call my home, I can be myself and I am lovable, and am loved. Thank you to myself and everyone for making this possible ...

B is for "Burriko"

Definition of "Burriko" from Urban Dictionary

"Japanese woman of a certain age who looks and acts much younger. Given that it's often hard to identify the age of asian women anyway it can be difficult to spot a burriko."

Another site adds: "They act cute and act like they don't have much of a mind of their own" and somehow Japanese men find them attractive.

Case in point: The originator, 松田聖子 Seiko Matsuda.

Evidence: 43 years old and this is how she dresses.



I am a fan of Seiko (not a huge one) but am sometimes embarassed to admit that. However, I have to protest that I was a fan when she was in her teens and 20s, not when she is still trying so hard to be cute at 43 years old. Overall, I find it all quite disturbing.

That being said, she has a serious mind of her own and has been a true professional in manipulating her career and the press into achieving what she wants. Afterall, how many 43 year olds look like this?



There has been much discussion lately because Seiko is holding her first overseas concert and in an attempt to endear herself to the Mandarin speaking fans, she is not only busy trying to pick up the difficult language, but also releasing a Chinese album of her hits. According to the reports, she tried to sing a verse of her signature song "赤いスイートピー" in Mandarin, and everyone in the press conference had "What the f**k is she singing" written all over their faces. It was only when the translator interpreted it, that all heaved a sigh of relief. Maybe they were afraid that she was revealing something important, like her botox or cosmetic surgery secrets and they didn't understand, or simply just that her singing is so bad that they couldn't make out if she was singing or trying to say something?

I have also just read that it is going to be a mini album. Thank God for that. Maybe one song will be sufficient. Judging from her recent album covers of "Sunshine" and "Fairy" (great album names when you turn 43), where she looked like a "sex worker" (comment from John when he saw the cover) and "flower fairy", one wonders what her Chinese album cover will look like. Danny joked if it was going to be called "Mandarin Oranges" and I added that maybe she would have Mandarin oranges hanging off her hair and an angpow in her hand, so that if it doesn't sell well, it can be remarketed as a Chinese New Year album.




To us, she is crazy because it is an impossible task that will only bring on terrible reviews, but for attention hungry Seiko, any publicity is good. I can only pray for her fans that she will not sing too many Mandarin songs during her concert because that is not why anyone would go see the concert.

One has to take their hats off to her for trying so hard, and hopefully, she will not pick up enough Mandarin to know what the Taipei Press is saying about her visit yesterday. Tien has done a great job in placing links to all the reports (unfortunately all in Mandarin), but they have used two derogatory terms to describe her: "不老妖姬" & "日本不死的魔女", which I found hilarious. They both literally translate into the "Eternal (more harshly as in Never-Dying) Witch". It is terrible for them to use such terms but people who hate her would probably agree, like our dear friend, Eugin and my other friend, Shige.

For me, I guess we all have a lesson to learn from here. One that we are never too old to try new tricks and no matter how impossible the task may seem, we have to move on in face of all negative comments. To disgregard insults and do whatever makes us happy (which is what Seiko said, that "This is one of her biggest achievements for her 25th anniversary and she wants to do whatever makes her happy"), and lastly, to "stay in love" (helps if your lover is your manager who is 10 years younger).

However, that being said, never try to be something we are not, especially when it comes to mutton dressed up as lamb.

My Happiness

Isn't it strange that when people learn that their friends or loved ones are gay that the first thing they offer is to "help you" get over this phase? They seem to link it with an illness or a psychological virus that they think that they can help cure us. When will they understand that we do not want your sympathy or your help, we want your understanding, respect and the freedom to be.

I have a friend who has been religious in the past, and still believes in God, but is trying to find peace within himself and his God. He wonders if all these protests that gay activists advocate is a sign that we do not accept ourselves. It can certainly be viewed as that, but on the other hand, I think it is more an education process not only for for the common folk to recognise that we are humans too, and thus also deserve respect, but also for those closeted gays to accept themselves, and be comfortable with who they are.

I have recently been confronted by a close relative about my sexuality and I decided to be honest about it, but the "interrogation" I was subjected to later, shook me quite badly. They were inquiries of ignorance, and deeply personal, some of which extended beyond what we do behind closed doors. I felt terribly uncomfortable answering them, but at the same time, I unconsciously took on the role of an educator, trying to make them understand, and that this is not what I chose to be, but who I am.

The most ridiculous parts of the conversation arrived at the "boy-girl" roles that we take on in a homosexual relationship and if I cross dressed just because I am gay. I was gob-smacked because I wasn't prepared for the latter question. I wondered then if I should laugh or cry. If there is something I learnt as I grew, it is that just because a person is effeminate does not mean that he is gay and vice versa. People tend to pick on effeminate people and call them gay related names, and thus there is a certain prejudice, even in the homosexual community, to distance away from such traits as much as possible. I have been called many such names when I was growing up, so I knew how it felt, and thus my stronger stance on projecting masculinity in public.

The other misconception that gay = AIDS is a common "myth" ignorant people hold. They are oblivious to the fact that more heterosexuals contract the deadly disease now than homosexuals. It is an illness that used to be "gay" but look at the Africans and the increasing heterosexual population suffering from AIDS. It is the information gatekeepers and people of high positions in society who "decide" who we are and what is acceptable (e.g. condoms). I am happy that they show such concern for me, but do they really know who I am or do they just assume the worst? Do they think that I roam the streets and loiter around the public toilets looking for promiscuous sex?

The recent incident in Tasmania where a gay person was rejected from donating blood to the Red Cross further highlights this "proposition". The Red Cross has a ruling that "anyone who has sex with a man within the past year is not allowed to donate blood", and it is a very good sign that we are not respected as human beings and that we are flawed. There was a comment in the papers that protested about how it is possible that a promiscuous heterosexual man is preferred over a homosexual man in a monogamous relationship when it comes to blood donation. Where is the logic here?

In their search for "my happiness", people try their best to stress on what is good for me, like choice. It is okay for me to stay a bachelor all my life but please reconsider about being gay. It's not an illness and we are not saying it is sick, but maybe you can see someone to help you cure this. You can choose to pick from both plates and get the best of both worlds, and isn't that better? Don't decide that you are gay now, Okay? Think over it ...

This encounter has shaken me and as funny as some of the comments may sound, is a process that many gay men have to go through in the process of coming out. There is no easy path and I wish there was for me because it is easier to just deny, but I took the difficult but honest path. At the end, I had to choose kindness (my two choices) because I know it also takes time, and this is all they can accept for now.

I thought it would bring me closer to them after I told the truth, but I seem a little more frightened that more "disasters" are to come, and I just want the distance. I am angry because of the misinterpretations but I have to be patient. It is my happiness that I am seeking and am responsible, and it is ironically, what they want for me as well. In their blind faith, they have mistaken my happiness for theirs, and have insisted that I conform to their ideals. Writing and discussing about it is my only asylum, so I am building strength through this further process of self discovery. If they want what is best for me, then they might want to start learning more about what it feels like for us, and to respect my life and my choice to live an honest life, and accept me just for who I am.

A New Miracle

I see friendships as uncelebrated miracles in the universe. Not every stranger and passer-by becomes a friend and so as we walk down the path of life, we make more acquaintances but develop less deeper friendships.

The internet has been extremely kind in allowing me to continue my passion for friendships with people I have never met before and only spoken to, and keeping in contact with them. I am so thankful that my entries on my blog has brought up discussion points and one of the most active contributors is a new friend, Jack whom I would like to introduce to all. Jack, I hope you don't mind me sharing your blog with my other friends. If you do, please let me know and I will remove it.

Jack writes and shares information about Japanese 80s pop (a passion shared by a few of us) which I just realised from my one of my best friends, Felix, that the 80s female pop singers like Akina, Seiko, Hayami Yu, Chiemi Hori, Kawai Naoko (Jack's favourite), Kashiwabara Yoshie, Oginome Yoko etc, are gay icons for gays and lesbians in their 30s and 40s. Hooray! We fall into that category! Jack also shares music files on his blog, so pay him a visit. He also translates some of his favourite songs and they are beautiful. Tien has quite an extensive collection herself as well. So, please visit her website too.

http://mysongsforyou.blogspot.com/

Thank you for all your comments because it has been a wonderful inspiration for me to carry on sharing ...

One Sided Fantasy -片想い-

I am certain everyone has their fair share of infactuations and fantasies while growing up, but I wonder if homosexuals have more than the heterosexuals in this area, since in many cases, we may never be able to fulfill them.

I have had my fair share of one sided romances while I was growing up and sometimes, I create little fantasies that can seem a little too real when the other party starts playing them out as well. It all gets a little confusing and as impossible as it may sound, most of these play out during my two and a half year compulsory stint in the army. Maybe it is the closeness and artifical world that we live in then (like the reality show "Big Brother"), disconnected with the world except for about 48 hours over the weekend, where we get to resume our normal lives. It was a little disconcerting to know then that some or most of them would claim that they are heterosexual and have girlfriends outside, but somehow, the enclosed borders seem to diminish that fine line of sexuality, and they participate in actions that they will never ever think of doing.

Of course, some of them are performed under the influence of alcohol but we also see these acts of "love" amongst team mates in sports, where it is totally acceptable for themto hug or kiss each other on the field but not off. There seems to be this unspoken professional code which deems these actions acceptable at certain times.

For me, a lot of my fantasies surrounded around just having love and affection and most of the times, it is just enough for me to give and not receive. As long as the other party showed appreciation, it was the world to me. Though some became too close that we had to create a "catastrophe" to end it, others that I have one sided affections for, remain as close friends of mine, so that I can love them in a different and friendly sort of a way. I just had an interaction with a friend who brought this up, so I thought I might explore it from my own point, discovered that if we can't love them close up in that sort of a way we can, at least we can still love them from a distance. I know that I am not alone is saying that we all have friendships with people that we used to admire.

For me, Love is not all about physicality, it is more so about the connection that one has with another, which makes it univeral yet unique at the same time.

紅白歌合戦選考曲目リスト発表 (Updated)

Akina performing "Desire" at 1986 Kohaku

As I mentioned in one of my earlier posts, NHK is changing the format of this years Kohaku Utagassen from the usual where they invite the most popular singers of the year to perform at the program to one where they get the fans to vote for the songs they would like to see most being performed this year.

It is an attempt to revive the flagging viewership and I think that if they manage to invite the top singers of the 70s, 80s and 90s to perform again, it will be so wonderful. I hope that they realise that Kohaku means less to the younger generation than to fans like us, who used to sit behind the idiots box waiting for our favourite singers to appear. The younger people just want to party and for older fans like us, we don't want to watch it if we don't know or like who is on the program.

Of course, fans like us are hoping to see Akina on the list, but I am also praying to see many more familiar faces than the newer ones that I can't be bothered about.

Anyway, here are the links to the websites:

http://www3.nhk.or.jp/kouhaku/

http://www3.nhk.or.jp/kouhaku/sukiuta.pdf

For those who can't read the 2nd link above like myself previously, my very kind and generous friend, Eugin, has decoded it sent it to me, and I have uploaded the zip file here. Thanks Eugin, you're always so nice!

Looking at the lists, I see so many familiar names and songs and I wonder if some of the really old singers will be able to come out and sing those old hits. Momoe and Seiko had 3 songs on the list while Akina has two, which is alright since Ayu has two only as well.

山口百恵

Surprisingly, they omitted her best selling single opting for better songs in my opinion and only one song "プレイバックPart2" was ever performed by Momoe at Kohaku:

秋桜, プレイバックPart2, いい日旅立ち

All I'm wondering about is how are they going to play these songs if people chose them? Momoe is not coming back onto stage to sing them for sure.

松田聖子

青い珊瑚礁, 赤いスイートピー, あなたに逢いたくて～Missing You～

In contrary to Momoe, Seiko has performed 2 of the 3, missing out on her most memorable hit "赤いスイートピー" in 1982.

中森明菜

Akina has two songs and both of which she performed in 1986 and 2002. I hope she performs the former because I don't like the "pant suit" concept for the latter song. It will be great to see her perform "Desire" in a kimono again.

飾りじゃないのよ涙は, Desire

The surprising entries:

悲しみがとまらない - 杏 里 (instead of Cats Eye)

春なのに - 柏原芳恵 (only 2 appearances and got nominated and 河合奈保子 who performed for 6 times did not receive a single nomination)

In my opinion, the biggest surprise, someone who has never appeared in Kohaku ...

センチメンタル・ジャーニー - 松本伊代

I think online voting starts on the 31st August and I certainly hope that this year's Kohaku will be dream come true for many of us.

JPop 歌姫 Idol Crown

I have been called many names (sometimes behind my back), but one that I am most "proud" of, is a "walking encyclopaedia" for Japanese Pop History. There is a part of me that likes to frighten my Japanese friends with my knowledge of JPop "has-beens", and it is so fun just to watch their expressive mix of dismay and nostalgia when they hear that long forgotten name.

I have an immense interest (and memory) in sales figures and discography information of Japanese pop singers (in chronological order as well for some singers), and remembered that I liked to compare the sales of the single to the song, wondering why an audience would buy this and not another. It's no wonder that I eventually found my niche in marketing because it's all about consumer behaviour.

I was more ignorant then and I isolated all other factors such as marketing and the exposure that it would gain from being a commercial or theme song for a movie/drama, which usually increases the sales for the single. My friends, perhaps not jokingly, would say that if I had a similar interest in my studies, I would do much better.

For me, I guess it all boils down to interest, and we all have an area of "specialty" that we have more knowledge and would seek out information to fulfill our further desire. Therefore, I read with much interest on a subject that Tien posted "ランキングと売上数". She said "To be crowned 歌姫/トップアイドル, what is the deciding factor? Sales? Or chart ranking? (sic)" Which is the most important. She went on to describe how her favourite idols (and mine too) did not sell very much, and came to the conclusion "Looking at the single sales of my favourite artistes, I think it's both and yet neither.... You must first hit it BIG and subsequently maintain a decent sale record.(sic)"

I started replying on her blog but then I got more excited as I started writing and it became too long, so I decided to shed a little "light on the mystery" as to why 山口百恵 (Momoe Yamaguchi), 松田聖子 (Seiko Matsuda) & 中森明菜 (Akina Nakamori) were the Queen of Jpop during their era of dominance,.

A singer's popularity is usually primarily about sales figures but there are also other factors like the likeability of the singer and the songs they cover and their newsworthiness. It is not so much about their ability to sing as we can, because there are many amateur singers who can hardly sing live, not only in the Japanese pop industry but also everywhere around the world. Momoe and Akina are much better singers than Seiko will ever be, but Seiko started a trend and even had the term "burriko" specially formulated for her because of her image (which means girls who like to act cute and younger than her age). She also has dodged many critics and have came back every single time which translates into longevity.

If we are solely looking at sales figures, which is what Tien's article was primarily about, I had the same thoughts when I first noticed the sales figures of Momoe, Seiko and Akina. Compared with the million sellers of Hikaru Utada (宇多田ヒカル) and Ayu Hamasaki (浜崎あゆみ) today, it seemed like peanuts ... but then, we have to adjust for inflation.

I don't know how you do that, but it is most important to look at the sales for that year or how long the artiste managed to stay on top. Amongst the three, Momoe's sales were the most dismal. As Tien pointed out, her best selling single was 「横須賀ストーリー」, which sold 66.1万枚 (661,000 copies). She also said that it was nothing compared to the million sellers for ピンク・レディー (Pink Lady), which had 5 million sellers. What Tien didn't notice was that, they were all in 1977 and 1978. So, we can liken ピンク・レディー to a fashion or a fad, because the Japanese are notoriously fickle with their tastes. It is true that they were the top sellers for the 70s, but if they only managed to dominate for 2 years out of a decade, and then retire in 1980, I don't think we can call them true blue idols.

Momoe on the other hand, was not only selling consistently but she was also big in movies and TV drama as well. She was definitely the top idol for the 2nd half of the 70s. Yes, there are many other people who outsell her - only two of her singles managed to hit the Year End Top 10 Sales Chart:

山口百恵 (Momoe Yamaguchi)

(a) 冬の色 - No. 10 in 1975
(b) 横須賀ストーリー - No. 8 in 1976



What Momoe didn't have in significant sales figures, she made up for it in consistency. All of her singles after her 5th single and first big hit (ひと夏の経験) hit Top 5, except しなやかに歌って (#8) & 愛染橋 (#10) and all sold more than 22.0万枚 (220,000 copies). If you look at her "fellow singers" during that era, none of them achieved this consistent result. While Pink Lady's golden era lasted for 2-3 years, Momoe had 6 years, which was why she was the Top Idol for the 70s. Moreover, she retired at the right time, and people miss her more than they think they would, so she is a legend now.

As for Seiko and Akina, they did not sell as well as the singers of today, but they were "unlucky" because the 80s were probably the lowest selling singles of all time. One has to view the economic history of Japan to be able to decipher why this trend occurred.

松田聖子 (Seiko Matsuda)

Seiko's singles constantly hit the No. 1 spot (24 consistent No. 1s - a record until B'z broke it), but like Momoe, only a handful hit the Year End Top 10:

(1) チェリーブラッサム - No.9 in 1981
(2) ガラスの林檎／SWEET MEMORIES - No.7 in 1983
(3) Rock'n Rouge - No.3 in 1984
(4) 天使のウィンク - No.10 in 1985

Most of her singles were in the 11th to 20th position.



She had better luck with her albums. On total sales for artistes for the year, she managed to top all year for 1984 (could be the only year). She dominated during the early 80s and then moved on to have a healthy career and is still going relatively well now.

中森明菜 (Akina Nakamori)

In contrast, Akina achieved much more. Firstly, she is still the only singer to top the total sales of the year for 4 years - 1983, 85-87 (I think Ayu holds the 2nd position for 3 years together with 松任谷由実 Yuming). Secondly, her singles constantly feature in the Year End Top 10.

1983

セカンド・ラブ (No. 8)



Although only セカンド・ラブ (Second Love) was in the Top 10, her other 3 singles 1/2の神話, トワイライト～夕暮れ便り～ & 禁区 all landed in the Year End Top 20. Akina was the best selling artiste for 1983, accounting for 4% of all music sold in that year.

1984

十戒（1984）(No.6)
北ウイング (No.9)
サザン・ウインド (No.10)



She followed this incredible feat with another 3 singles in 1985 in the Top 10

1985

ミ・アモーレ (No.2)
飾りじゃないのよ涙は (No.6)
SAND BEIGE -砂漠へ- (No.7)



1986

DESIRE -情熱- (No. 2)
ジプシー・クイーン (No 7)



NB: "Fin" was No. 17 that year but it had only sold about 80% of its eventual sale at the cut off date for this calculation.



1987

TANGO NOIR (No 2)
難破船 (No. 6)
Blonde (No. 7)


She didn't do so well in 1988, but "Tattoo" and "Al Mauj" were 11th and 12th for the year.



1990

Dear Friend (No 6 in 1990).



No other artiste has been able to emulate the success that Akina has and that is why she was the Top Pop Idol for the mid-late 80s while Seiko dominated the First Half the 80s till Akina came along. If you look at Ayu’s sales, they might be high, but she did not dominate and captivate like the other 3 did. She had 1 single each hit the Year End Top 10 in 1999-2000, 2 singles in 2001-2 and 1 single for 2003. Utada Hikaru has 2 Top 10 in 1999, 1 in 2000, 3 singles in 2001 and 1 each in 2002-3. I'm not so interested in these 2 singers, so I will not bother to list the names but you can look at this website.

So, if we look at the impact the singer has on the audience for the year, we can see that Akina was immensely popular during her heydays. She also strived for individuality and difference from the other singers, which was why she was able to stand out from the rest and dominate the sales like that. So, I hope this helps to answer some of your questions and to anyone who wonder why we are who we are now ... crazy over Akina ...

Most of the statistics can be viewed on this website. The rest are from memory.

Honesty versus Kindness

What do we want in our life ... honesty or kindness. Sometimes, we are so conditioned, that our responses are automated. Before I came over to Australia, I lived in a collectivist society where kindness preceded honesty in response. It's not that we only wanted to hear sugar coated white lies, but somehow, it was much easier to accept and made life much easier.

As we grow older and sometimes gain patience in the progress, we tend to want more honesty in our lives because we realise that it is the only way to move ahead in relationships with our lovers, friends and family. I find myself at this crossroad sometimes wondering which to apply. After being in a relationship with my wonderful John, he has taught me to want more honesty. He is an advocate for total honesty but I always had my doubts. Maybe it stemmed from my childhood experiences that honesty seem to bring more hurt while I searched for a little kindness ...

I remember the criticisms from my mother about my ability and looks which made me feel rather unattractive. In her intense love for us and desire to mould us into better human beings, she was sparring with her compliments and I felt a little unwanted at times when she was cross. To make things worse, I was teased at school. I was overweight and unattractive, and since I wasn't a sports nut, I wasn't cool and "one of the guys". Their honest remarks made me feel lonely. It wasn't a nice experience and so I swore then never to make disparaging remarks about others' appearance. Thankfully, I survived knowing that there are still other misfits that I can count on.

These experiences made me stronger and realised that people who criticise others are usually the ones that are the most insecure within. They do it so that others will stay off them. They are also the most unkind, not only to others, but also to themselves. I often taught, all everyone needs is a little kindness ...

Honesty is not all bad, because after I finished my personal development course with Landmark, I confronted my mother about the remarks that she made and she was unaware that she said those things. She asked for my forgiveness and we have since become closer because of my honesty. So, honesty does bring people closer. Which brings gays and lesbians like me, to the question of "to say or not to say" in the issue of coming out. Honesty brings closeness but at the wrong time, brings hurt and sorrow. Acceptance and love takes time to nurture once again. So, is kindness the answer?

I like to think that I am honest in most of my relationships, but I am careful to practise kindness as well. After all, didn't someone say "If you don't have something nice to say about someone, then don't say anything". Looking back at my previous encounters with friends who couldn't accept the fact that I was gay, they were angry that I was dishonest, which I wasn't. I didn't lie about being straight, I just didn't admit that I was gay. I was looking after them, giving them kindness, but they wanted honesty, and then when you give them what they want, they seem to be unable to accept that as well. So, where do we go from here?

I look at open relationships where partners can knowingly "allow" their partners to have casual and sometimes even regular partners on the side, and I wonder where this issue lies with them? Do they strive for total or partial honesty in such relationships? At what point do they apply a little kindness in their honesty and tell a white lie or choose not to disclose at all. I am not only talking about homosexual relationships and sexual encounters, but the darkest secrets that partners and friends keep from others. Is there any other way to move from without hurting the other person.

I have grown older to allow constructive criticism but I know there is also a limit to acceptance. I believe in giving praise whenever I can. To cynical others, it can sound patronising, but to me, it is honest because it is kindness that can come from the heart. We could all use a bit of kindness sometimes. I guess for me, it is an ongoing journey and it applies from person to person. Honesty brings us closer and forward but kindness make the trip slower but easier. A fine balance to achieve for indeed ...

Review: 中森明菜 - Akina Nakamori Special Live 2005 Empress at CLUB eX -

I am now in my second and last leg of my unplanned Winter holiday, in cloudy Singapore. My experience in Tokyo has been another memorable one but made more special because of my 21 year dream come true of finally seeing Akina live.

It is an experience that is inexplicably exhilarating, and it was more than I could ever bargain for. I was relatively relaxed on the day but I started experiencing the jitters when I was outside Club eX and looking at all the fans gathering outside, waiting to enter the small concert hall. It was the 16th July (Sat) and I paced around, waiting for the others to arrive. I took out my camera and started taking photos of the venue and the fans. Most of them were around my age group and more (40s, 50s and even 60s), and like what Daniel had speculated, many of them were gay. There was even a lady carrying a walking stick with her family and it is so nice to see that Akina has a wide appeal for almost all age groups.

We arranged to meet around 9-9.15 pm for the 9.30 pm session and as the guys were a little late, I did my wandering and photo-taking till they arrived. They were still selling some last minute tickets (the final 2 performances were sold out) and also her CDs, DVDs and some concert special items. We were later escorted and examined for cameras in our bags, but I managed to hide mine in my pocket without them noticing.

The concert started with a two man band playing a drummed up version of 私は風 from the Utahime I album. It is not one of my favourite songs but Akina did quite a good job of it. She walked through the curtain, onto the runway, and then to the seat in the middle of the round stage, to cheers from the crowd. Tien said that since it was a rather special and upper class concert, not many fans chose to wolf whistle or scream, like they would do in most other concert halls.

I felt a lump in my throat when she sang the first few verses, but since our seats were on the 5th row (last row) and her back was facing us, I didn't feel the nerves that John told me I would experience when he watched Barbra Streisand for the first time. She proceeded on to sing more songs and explained the origins of the songs (as in why she picked them). I enjoyed my first concert of hers and though her voice was rather hoarse, she managed to project it well. However, one could tell that she was holding back, because there were two more final performances the next day and I was going to the final performance at 9.30 pm.



On the 17th (Sun), I brought my aunt, who is blind, to the concert and I will never regret doing that. She is not a fan of Akina and the only song that she has heard of Akina's was "Desire" in 1986, when she first arrived. We attracted quite a few stares from other fans when I escorted her to the front row this time. I was naturally very delighted to have such wonderful seats. When Akina appeared this time, it was to wild cheers. The crowd was ready for a great time because we all knew there would be no going back, and were we in for a treat. Akina sang so beautifully I had goosebumps on most of the songs. I also wolf-whistled and screamed my "tits" off because it is the only time Akina will hear me scream "Akina"!! I can do it at home too but it will not be the same!

Here is the song list and my review:

(1) 私は風 - She really projected her voice so well on the final performance night. She showcased her singing prowess and she hit all the high notes so well. Kakoii!! Even my aunt who dislikes rock songs cheered on wildly, as did all of the fans.

(2) 傘がない - Another chilling rendition

－MC－ This is where Akina said Hi to all and explains the origins of the songs. For the first night, it was relatively quiet and routine talk but we had a transvestite sit right in front of Akina and she was wonderful in interacting with Akina. My aunt also shouted a few times that she was pretty and wonderful. Akina acknowledged her with Thanks. Akina explained that she usually gets quite anxious during concerts, so the fans (and my aunt) included shouted that she was great to make her feel more at home.

(3) 別れの予感 - The stage rotates during this song and I get to see Akina face-on. It is an unforgettable moment.

(4) アデュー - Not one of my favourite songs but she performed it better than the album cut.

(5) 踊り子 - I preferred the album's arrangement to this, but Akina sang it in a jazzy manner which was refreshing.

－MC－Another round of interaction with fans. Again the transvestite and my aunt did the lion's share of chatting with Akina. Akina said that she felt that time passed very slowly when she had to perform the 11 days straight but now that she was on the final night, she felt a little sad and lonely. We all screamed that we were too, and she kept prompting all of us to say "Sabishii" with the gentle movement of "come on" with her wrist and then she added in the coolest fashion "Then, please come and see the dinner show" to raptuous laughter from all". She showed off her quick wit and there was great laughter from the interaction with the transvestite.

Then came the moment I will never forget. My aunt shouted that we were fans from Singapore who had come specially to see her concert. She turned around, faced us, said "Thanks" and then waved to us. I waved back and then I froze there. It was such a special moment that I could have died. The guys congratulated me later and said that I would probably not be able to sleep tonight, which I managed, but with the greatest smile ...

(6) 接吻 Originally by オリジナル・ラヴ (Original Love) - A new song for Akina. The guys didn't like it, but Akina and I did. It's not an outstanding track but it had a sweet melody and I liked it.

(7) アサイラム - The first non cover song. It was from Akina's 6th album "Anniversary" and chosen because it was "summery". All fans sang along and swayed. My aunt and I shouted "We love you too" at the end.

(8) サザン・ウィンド - The first single song with a Bossa Nova remix. Akina explained that this was a mature treatment of the song and she flirted with the entire audience with many sexy poses throughout.

－MC－During this chat, Akina imitated the tranvestite to wild laughter and applause and she said that she was enjoying herself so much, which was what she wanted to achieve with this smaller series of concerts. She also said that it was good to be able to finally place a face to the name and the voice. Love her for that!!!

(9) 窓 - I liked the album version better than this remix, but Akina sang well.

(10) リバーサイド･ホテル 井上陽水 - Another special new song for the concert. It is obvious that Akina loves this song and it shows. It is the best performance of the second evening.

(11) 飾りじゃないのよ涙は - Another favourite of Akina's. During the first evening, she left halfway through the song, and when she came back, the song was over. She asked why didn't the audience sing along like in karaoke because that was her purpose. She then resung the whole song, which was her best performance of the first night that I watched. It was also interesting to notice that there were a few fans who dressed up like her during her latest Kohaku performance in 2002. There are some rumors that since NHK is going to change this year's Kohaku to one that features "famous songs of the past", the fans are debating if she will be invited again this year.

- MC - It was during this that the best news for a long time arrived for Akina's fans. The transvestite commented that Akina's version of "Riverside Hotel" (song 10) was better than the original singer, to which Akina quickly hushed her, saying that we had better not let him hear that because he is currently writing her a new song. It looks like it was a slip of the tongue and there is no current date as to when it will be ready but we will all be eagerly anticipating. Finally, someone famous writing for her again, and we have more confidence if it does fulfill, it has more potential to create publicity and be a hit!

(12) 赤い花 - Her newest single She is famous for crouching down to the floor, climb up the chair (like she did on the 16th) or lie on the floor when singing this difficult song because the chorus doesn 't allow much room for breathing. She paced herself so well the last night, it was one of her greatest performances ever for this song.

After she finished the last song, she rushed off the stage, ready to take her bow and bid goodbye to all, like she did on the 16th, but then something happened. In the dark, I saw a shadow jump onto the stage, and I initially thought it was security, but it turned out to be a crazy fan. The fan he sat next to said he noticed him shivering during her final number, and he just jumped through the barricades onto the stage. He had no intentions of hurting her because he paused when she turned around, and he seemed to want to shake her hand, but the security got to him. He started pushing, kicking, shoving and then punching. Akina kept her cool while watching and at one point, when he was pushed off the stage, looked concerned for the fan's welfare. She was then quickly ushered backstage.

We were all dumbfounded and we felt robbed because no matter how much we cheered, and it was for about 10 minutes or so, she never came back onto the stage. Some fans were seen sobbing and we all left to gather again outside to sing praises and lament about the lost encore.

It was a night to remember, even for my aunt who was not a fan. I could tell that she was impressed and I was happy that she had given me the best present ... a wave from Akina, specially for me ... what more can one ask for.

I would also like to once again thank Eugin and John for making this possible. Thank you for making my wildest dream come true. Hope to see you again soon, Akina (I know I will) and thank you for the best memories ...

Happy Birthday

Firstly, I would like to take this opportunity to wish Eugin a very Happy Birthday. I am sorry I didn't know it was your birthday earlier or I would have send you my best wishes on the exact day but I am happy to know that you received many lovely presents. They are a reflection of who you are to all of us, and you certainly deserve the best for your grand generosity.

I am so happy to be able to call you my friend because my life would certainly have been a lot poorer if not for your friendship, and I would not have been able to fulfill this wonderful dream of seeing Akina live if not for you. Thank you and may you have a most wonderful year ahead!! Now that I'm back, we have to catch up soon and make it up!!

Tokyo Dream

I didn't think it would happen so soon, but I am visiting Tokyo again for the 3rd time. My last visit was more than 7 years ago in 1998, so this will be another nostalgic trip. I am certain that many changes would have surfaced, but my love for Tokyo will always be there.

There are times when I walk past a street or a scent anywhere around the world, and it would remind me of my days in Tokyo, as short as they were, infinitely memorable. As I renew my love affair with Tokyo tomorrow morning at 7.30 am, I am looking into a possible future of "Nothing is impossible". Afterall, this is still an "unbelievable" dream come true.

I will try my best to update this blog with my happenings in Tokyo and I do hope to hear from anyone. Take Care and wish me luck ...

Sad Day

It is a sad day when innocent people are killed in accidents and I always pray that they and their loved ones have had the oppotunity to express their love for each other before the horrific accidents. My sympathy goes out to all of those who lost their loved ones in this terrible accident.

It is easy to condemn the actions of these extremists and point the finger without trying to understand why they would want to do something like this or kill themselves to "save the rest of mankind", just like how if something is missing in the house, the maid or the guest would be the first suspect, but is it fair to jump to such conclusions?

These bombings have timed themselves with the G8 meetings and is widely viewed as a protest to globalisation. Globalisation, while being kind to the richer and developed countries, has created a widening gap between themselves and the poorer countries, plunging many underdeveloped countries into further poverty. As we continue to use our computers and our iPods and live our days without much worry for the next day, people in improverished countries struggle just to find enough food for the next meal. It is easy for us to dismiss these actions and cry helplessness, but poverty and helplessness sometimes drive people into actions that are deemed "insane" by us. If you were hungry and helpless all the time and have to suffer under the "reins" of the richer, wouldn't you have feelings of contempt as well.

It is almost similar to being the unpopular kid being picked at in school and personally, I know how it feels. There comes a time when the nerd retaliates, sometimes in a group, sometimes as themselves. If they don't harm themselves (sometimes by suicide or mass suicide, or by simple self hate or lowering of self esteem), they harm others. We've seen it in the movies, we've seen it in real life. When we learn the stories behind the actions, do we pity they bully or do we sympathise with the nerd?

I am not supporting these barbaric actions. On the contrary, I condemn the act of killing, for any reason. However, I think we need to be fair and try to understand how we can stop this violent attacks. We have invaded Iraq, captured the leader, but killed millions in the process of doing so, and many more are still dying every day. Violence breeds violence ... I just want to know when will we learn that violence does not solve problems.

If we do not understand the fundamentals of the problem, how can we solve them? With the current world leaders and media control, it is unlikely that we will be casting a compassionate eye. What we will be seeing will be the images of inoncent people dying, but not of those in the countries that we invade, but of those that will support their case for further violence.

The world is going on a downward spiral and is currently having its breakdowns. I wonder if we will all still be around eventually when we hit rock bottom for the breakthrough to eventually occur ...

Fly Me To Love

There is something deliciously dangerous about making an impulsive decision, like travelling to Tokyo to see a concert in less than 2 weeks. It is a sudden rush of excitement that can hardly be described as rational, but it is so nice to receive so much support for making this decision.

The nicest compliments have been that I deserve this for the love I put out there and I am truly flattered, though the rational side of me nags about the frequency that I have holidays (especially after some of the conversations I had with the people that I work with). I don't know if it is jealously or a plain complaint that I seem to idle around, but if they wore my shoes for one day at work, they will understand my need for re-energizing at various intervals.

I have told myself today that I am going to leave the sadness (and hopefully the sickness too) behind and bask in the glory of this seemingly impossible decision. I am going to Tokyo in about 1 week to see my favourite idol and it is a 22 year dream come true. I am very lucky to have an aunt living there who will probably be there only till early next year and it will be another trip down memory lane for us. We had a little laugh last night just reminiscing about my first trip to Tokyo.

I remembered making the excited decision only to be partly dampened when I heard my beloved grandma say that my aunt wanted me to bring 100 rice dumplings to Tokyo for her. Before you start screaming or squealing in fright or delight, my grandma is a Nonya woman (half Malay, half Chinese), and the rice dumplings that she makes are smaller than the pyramid types that are more common. Still, a hundred sounded really daunting, but I was so excited that I said "Yes, anything is possible." When I arrived to collect the dumplings the day before I left, I was told that she only packed 50 in the bag and another 50 of the more common pyramid dumplings becuse my uncle said those were nicer. She had made more than 100 and was giving the rest away.

My mother tasted both and said that my grandma's were definitely better, so we changed the ratio to 70 or 80 of hers and 20 of the pyramid dumplings. There was a myth then that we had to wrap them up as presents, because the Japanese customs did not permit food, so we placed them in boxes and then wrapped them up in beautiful paper. I eventually left for a 10 day trip with 4 pieces of luggage. When we realised we could only check in 2 pieces of luggage (due to weight), I had to carry my backpack, and one of the big bags containing half of the rice dumplings. It was easily over 30 kgs and I tried my best to act cute and innocent so that they would allow me to carry such big bags into the cabin. I was very lucky because after various attempts to fit it into the overhead compartment, we gave up and the stewardess placed it in one of her compartments.

When I arrived at the airport and went through customs, I was stopped by a Japanese customs officer who wanted me to open 2 of my bags. Thank God the rice dumplings bag was not opened. He took out the items one by one, many containing tidbits like peanuts, biscuits and stuff like that, and stopped at one. He shook it, and then asked "Okashi?" (Tidbits?) I knew a little Japanese then, but somehow in my state of excitement and fear, forgot what it meant, but I knew I couldn't say food. So, I quickly replied "No, rocks ... stones ... rocks", hoping he would understand what I meant. He did but he shaked it a little more and then put it back into the bag. I heaved a sigh of relief because I thought he was so kind. It was a pack of groundnuts, so it was too light to be rocks/stones, but he probably thought the language barrier was too great to bridge and I looked too innocent then to carry drugs, so he let me go.

The big laugh occurred when I reached Shinagawa Prince Hotel, which is where Akina is holding her concert this year. After I alighted the bus to the delight of my aunt and Leslie, who was studying there then, they were suprised to see that I had so much luggage. I told my aunt that grandma said you wanted 100 rice dumplings and she nearly fell over. She felt so bad because she had only said 10 or something like that, but out of my grandma's love and longing for her, she made it up to be a hundred.

So, this is the story of my first trip to Tokyo. This new trip holds promises of many new adventures and the strengthening of my friendships with Tien, Eugin, Danny and Joy. It will also mark the end of a chapter of my travels with my aunt in Tokyo since she will migrate to London next year. I will miss the times but I am keeping them all in my mind, heart and sharing them with all of you here.

An additional bonus will be that I will be stopping over in Singapore on my way back for 4 days, so that I get to see my lovely family again, whom I do miss a great deal. Unlike some of you, I can't just stroll up to my parents' place anytime I want, and though I like the distance, I understand the longing we have for each other, and I will always take any opportunity I have to show them the love back.

So, wish me luck and lots of fun. I will still be updating this site before and after I leave for Tokyo. If you have any suggestions about where to go in Tokyo or what I should do, please leave some comments and I will try my best to experience them.

Dream Come True? - 東京へ いきますか-

Caption: Akina during rehearsal. Is that her with short hair again? I prefer her with longer hair.

One of the greatest gifts that someone can give me has materialised. Up till now, it still seems and feels like a dream because there is almost a possibility that I will be going to Tokyo to watch Akina's concert in 2 weeks after all. I had not entertained the thought previously because of tight finances and the possibility of a Europe trip this year, but I have just been offered a free ticket on the final night of her concert and it was too good an offer not to take up.

I have been in a dilemma for most of the morning because I didn't want to disappoint John because he was looking forward to touring Europe and the other thing is that, the day of the concert is actually the day that Julian is leaving. I was actually giving myself the guilt that I envisioned my parents giving me for forsaking him on his last day in Australia for some time, but I felt better after speaking to him, and he gave me his blessings and told me that he wanted me to go, which I am very touched.

John has been so wonderful, telling me that he would be disappointed if I didn't give myself this pleasure and it would have been wonderful to visit Tokyo with him, but he will be working that weekend, so it is impossible. He also told me not to feel guilty because the measure of my love for my brother is not just measured by this one single day.

So, I am allowing myself this joy and doing little jumps, kicks, screams and sharing this wonderful news with all my friends because it has been a 22 year dream to see Akina live. So, Thank you Eugin for pressing me on into fulfilling my dream.

Coincidentally, all my trips to Tokyo have been very impromptu. The first in 1994 was an offer from a friend who won a ticket to Tokyo but wanted to sell it for S$400 and I grabbed it. The second in 1998 was an offer from my aunt who lives in Tokyo (till Spring next year) who wanted someone to accompany her to Seoul from Tokyo, and now this ...

This will probably be my shortest but my most expensive trip to Tokyo (A A$1400 return flight is considered cheap here in Australia) and I hope that my destiny with Tokyo will expand beyond because there are still so many places in Japan I want to explore, but I guess for now, a concert with Akina will have to do, and it is positively, one of the best things that has happened to me ...

中森明菜 - Akina Nakamori Special Live 2005 Empress at CLUB eX -

Allow me this little indulgence ... I can't go this year and I am so envious of my friends, Tien, Eugin, Daniel and also a new friend, who I have not had the priviledge of seeing, Joy, who will be there in Japan this year during Akina's concert from the 7th to 17th July (total of 17 sessions) The sessions are listed here.

Recently, Akina wanted to be a club singer, so that she can be closer to her fans. To achieve this dream, she is holding a special concert this year at Club eX in Shinagawa, which holds only 450 seats in each concert. According to news reports and from Tien and Eugin, she will be holding an unplugged concert (I am more jealous) and it will consist totally of songs from her Utahime series (3 albums of cover versions). I hope that she will sing some new songs that she has not covered before in her 3 cover albums.

I believe that this will be a great challenge for any singer, not only for someone who loves challenges like Akina, to not only pull off singing popular songs of others live, but also in unplugged mode. This will be such a special concert and I am crossing my fingers that she will not only excel but also that it will be available on DVD, since Tien mentioned in her new blog that this concert is sponsored by TBS, which is such good news!

I am eagerly awaiting the first reports from Tien, who I believe is watching the first session, to see what she thinks. Akina has also mentioned that her image at the concert will be "vampish" like the one on the poster and that there will be some song changes during the 17 sessions to keep it fresh, especially for fans who might attend several sessions, like Tien and Joyce are. To learn more, you can actually visit Tien and Eugin's blog. Don't forget to go for another Akina karaoke session so that we can increase her income for this year!! (As ridiculous as it sounds, we found out recently that Japanese artistes actually get royalties if their songs are requested at Karaoke). Thanks guys and have my share of fun for me!!!

頑張って!!! 明菜さん.

Where would I be?

Without the support of my friends, where would I be? Definitely poorer, depressed and probably dead by now ...

Friendships are little miracles that usually go unappreciated and unacknowledged but I make it a point everyday or everytime I see you, to show my love to everyone who is special to me, friends and family alike. You are all people that I can't do without and many of you have shown your support for my writing and my blog with your comments. Receiving your little vignettes are like presents on my everyday life. Even though we may not chat everyday, but your little comments, emails or calls mean a great deal to me. So, Thank you.

Writing for me, is like a form of release, because then they become seagulls free to fly, free to please, and also free to annony. Isn't it amazing that the Chinese songwriters write beautiful songs about seagulls and link them to freedom and paint them as such beautiful birds, and it is only when you live near the sea, do you sometimes find them rather annoying.

Anyway, I am going to introduce another few friends to the blog today. Firstly, I have one of my best friends, Leslie Kee who has launched a new website - Leslie Kee, who is always such an inspiration. Our dear friend, Ryan, who is aspiring singer and who has moved to Taipei to achieve his dreams - 頑張って!! You will find many portraits of Ryan with Leslie and many other famous models and celebrities. He also has a few demos of his singing, so please kindly show your support.

Next, I have my two dear friends, Harry and Amit. Harry has been a very close friend not long after I arrived in Australia and though I have only known Amit for a short time, he has become a constant contributor to this blog. Amit has also been recently assigned as the official photographer for the International Web Conference called Web Essentials '05 which is due to be launched soon. This is a sequel to WE'04 from last year and details can be found here. Congratulations!

So, as I expand my horizons and friendships, I want to take another chance to say Thank you to all of you for just being in my life and keeping me warm and sane, which is very important. Thank you!

どうもありがとうございます。

The End of Innocence - 暗い世界 -

I remember a time when I didn't care ... about politics or how it affects our daily lives, choices and decisions. I am not only talking about when I was in Singapore, but also my first years of "innocence" in Australia. Maybe I was still living in my wrapped world then, but I remembered being a little puzzled over the fuss that people were making about the policies passed down by the government.

I know many people still avoid talking about politics, because like religion, it can be a topic of passion and argument. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, which is not something I learnt from Singapore, because of the authoritarian leadership practised, which may be what is suitable for them. What I learnt from my experience in Australia is to care ... not only about my own welfare but also to think more about the less priviledged and how decisions/policies passed down affect them in their everyday life.

It is easy for us to dismiss many issues just because we are not confronted by them everyday. Just because we have our basic needs of food, shelter and belongingness needs being satisfied doesn't mean that everyone is as lucky as we, even though we seldom acknowledge that we are fortunate.

The world is changing ... not only because natural causes, but also the choices we make and the leaders we or the majority believe represent us. I don't want to engage into a what's right or what's wrong argument here but there are fundamentals individual rights that we should fight for.

What I am talking about today is the Australian government and the decisions they are making in the coming months. I am not even talking about gay rights. I am talking about the ABOLITION of the unfair dismissal laws and the changes to the industrial relations which affects everyone, which many, even the Christian institutions (who this government have strong inclination) are protesting. In the near future, we may no longer be protected by unfair practices, giving the rich and the institutions power to do anything they want. They are rewriting history and moving backwards in individual rights. They are undoing what great individuals have fought for us in the past, and many of us are sitting here not worrying, and sometimes, chastising the institutions for protesting.

In today's world, everything revolves around money ... university places are no longer a priviledge for those who work hard, because you have to have money too, or you will be left behind. If you have money, you can afford to immigrate to Australia. If not, will you be left on a detention centre, mistreated like a caged animal, by a government who only recently, changed their laws so that children will not be locked up in these detention centres. It took a few courageous people to do it, and thank God they did.

Nowadays, Government policies are no longer about inspiration ... it is about fear ... that we will lose the "luxuries" that we have grown accustomed to. The stranglehold they have on us as we sink deeper and deeper into debt just so that we can live the life that we so rightly deserve.

Where are we going to? Where is their conscience ... where is ours? Do we have to have a breakdown before we can achieve that breakthrough? Can we fight to keep our rights? I don't have answers to all these questions and so may you. I don't know if I was happier when I didn't care because it infuriates me to know that there are selfish people ruling the country. I believe in loving and sharing and we always take care of those less fortunate than us. So, for me, even though it hurts to see where we are heading, I know that by caring, I can hopefully make a difference.

I want to plant a seed in your mind, so that we will think when it is time to make a choice ... and hopefully, you will think not only with your head but with your heart as well ...

Coming Out

It is not an easy decision to come out. Even though I lead a sexually honest life in Australia, I still find it very difficult to come out to my family and friends in my motherland, Singapore.

Today, I received a email from a dear female friend, who expressed shock when she accidentally stumbled upon the truth from my blog that I am gay. My best friend came out to her and another friend earlier last year, and though he said they took it well, my conversations with them have left me feeling rather shaky. Instead of addressing his partner by the name, they seem to hide a chuckle and shake of the head at the same time while asking "Is he still with that guy?", as if expecting this to be a phase that he would step out of soon, or that he needed God's help to get through this.

I respect their Christian values and maybe it is the way they seem to perceive him now, which is why I had some reservations about coming out to them. I think the misconception that most people have is that being gay is a choice.

As far as I am concerned, the only choice I made is to be honest and live my life in Australia as a gay man. I did not choose to be gay, just like I did not choose to be born a man or Asian. If it was a choice, why would I choose to be part of a minority group that is constantly subjected to discrimination. Why wouldn't I choose what the common thing is, which is to be heterosexual and lead a "no frills" life. I love children so why should I be robbed of the same priviledge to have kids. Why can't I walk down the street with my lover tugged under my arms or openly kiss and not be afraid of the next weird glare or even an attack? Why should my love for my lover not be recognised like heterosexuals and if I die, my partner gets no recognition or any of my belongings if I do not set up a will? Why would I, in the right mind, chose to be gay?

I want to be honest to my friends but I am not lying as well. If you don't ask, I wouldn't need to tell, and then I will not be telling a lie. It is difficult for most of my Singaporean friends to accept me as a gay man because of the way I "talk about love" like no other man they know. They always say they imagine it to be some lucky woman, which I cringe when I hear it, but I am not responsible for your dreams. I am only responsible for my life.

I watched a Hong Kong - Singaporean movie "Rice Rhapsody - 海南雞飯 - " two days ago, about a Singaporean mother (played by one of my favourite actresses, Sylvia Chang), who has to deal with two gay sons, and the inevitable possibility of the youngest turning out that way too. It is quite a delightful movie and the scene where she goes to every fortune teller to find out if her youngest darling is gay too, and how to "remedy" that is hilarious, but very true, because that is what my friend was subject to when he came out.

There was one heart-renching scene when the eldest son attracts media publicity when he decides to get married to his gay lover, and Sylvia, who is lying in bed from a fall, pleads "Why do you have to let Mummy suffer so much". To me, that is heartbreaking and it sounded like it came from my own mother's mouth. If I do come out to my parents I don't want to be selfish and just expose my sexuality and let them deal with it all alone in Singapore. It would be too painful and heartless of me. I can only heal the wounds with my love and education. Until then, the perception will be linked to "What will people think and will he die of AIDS because he is gay?"

I still have a long way to go and I am always thankful for everyone who accept me for who I am, because this is the greatest gift anyone can give ... the freedom to be ... In the meantime, life will continue to be a rollercoaster ride and plenty of re-education every time I come out ... but with the courage that builds, I hope to lead an honest life on all aspects one day. I am only one, but if I can educate, then hopefully I am making a difference everyday.

A Costly Experience

As most of you know, I just moved in last week with my partner into our new and beautiful apartment. We are still putting the finishing touches our new home, which we love, but an unfortunate incident happened during the move to me.

My beloved new digital camera, which was a present from my parents only a few months back when I went back for a holiday, was stolen from my pouch. It was painful not only for its sentimental value but more so because I know that my parents didn't buy one for themselves because it was a luxury item due to its relatively high cost. They bought it out of their love for me.

The other interesting thing that came up for me was how quickly the "old demons" came to haunt me. When I was younger, I was infamous amongst my family members for losing new things and I was tagged for years. I would remember Mom would say "Bring the older umbrella because if you take the new one, you will lose that." and so, not surprisingly, the first voice that came to mind was Mom's tone saying "How could you be so stupid?".

As my mind was processing such unsavoury thoughts and beating myself about it, I was conscious of how much more self-loathing I was doing to myself and how I was blaming myself for this incident. I had to pull myself out and tell myself that accidents do happen and it was not like I left it out in the open for someone to nip. It was "safely" tucked away in my pouch in my closet which I had not expected anyone to touch.

I have learnt two lessons from this experience. One being to keep my precious belongings with me at all times, and the other that I can keep my "old nightmares" at bay and not let them affect the way I lead my life.

Bitter & Sweet - 甘いと悲しいメモリー -

I am nearing the end of a chapter in my life. One of my dearest friends, Joe, said on Saturday that you are never officially a couple till you live together. As John and I walk down this exhilarating path of coupledom, towards another phase of a rollercoaster in life, I reflect deeply on the past few years of my life, not only as a "single man" but more importantly, one that I have shared with my brother for almost 3 years.

Growing up, I don't think I ever did my best as a brother, or even a friend to my baby brother. Maybe I was selfish then, and hadn't learnt the joys of giving, and since I am 4 years older than he is, there was always an unspoken gap between us. Australia has been the launching pad for our friendship to bloom and in the past 5 years of being in Australia and 3 of living together in the same apartment, I wish that I have been a good brother and friend to him.

Even though being with John meant spending a lot less quality time with him, I hoped that he had not felt deserted by me because he is and always will be family. Moving is always about saying goodbye to some old memories and hello to new ones, and though I am celebrating a new union, I am a little saddened by his impending departure from Australia.

This has been a beautiful chapter which I will cherish all my life because of the special bond I shared with my brother. It is not the end but the beginning of a new chapter and I know that only through love, dedication and communication, will this bond strengthen over time. Thank you, my little brother, for allowing me to love you and share these wonderful times with you ...

上を向いて歩こう ...

I look up as I walk
So that the tears won't fall
Remembering those spring days
But I am all alone tonight

I look up as I walk
Counting the stars with tearful eyes
Remembering those summer days
But I am all alone tonight

Happiness lies beyond the clouds
Happiness lies up above the sky

I look up as I walk
So that the tears won't fall
Though the tears well up as I walk
For tonight I'm all alone tonight

(Translated from above song or better known as "Sukiyaki" by Sakamoto Kyuu 坂本 九)

My Little Darlings - 世界のすべて ...

I love babies, like the way people love pets. I'm not a major animal lover but I have a soft spot for almost all babies. I constantly bemoan the fact that I don't get a chance to see my two beautiful little darlings grow up. Just because I choose to live my life elsewhere, I am robbed of the chance to watch them take their first steps at everything and to spend everyday with them. Being gay doesn't make my desires to be a father any weaker. It only strengthens the love I have for the people around me.

Thankfully, the abscence allows me to cherish every single moment with them and it is something I am thankful for. I will always remember the little things we do, like how little Joy likes to chase the birds and giggle in her special little way, and how little Joshua would bang his hands in excitement when he is being fed or not.

These mundane episodes that may seem trivial are precious to me because they are moments that may never be replicated. I will also always have a special smile when I see this photo and remember Joy saying "Two babies", to which John would correct "It's actually three babies", to my amusement.

Being with them allows me to escape into their fantasy world and through them, I have learnt that I can be totally selfless and indulge in unconditional love, and there is no better gift than this. So, Thank you, my beautiful sister, for giving me this intense joy of being an uncle and a chance to play father ...